Advice on how to deal with live-in mother?

Sending you and yours only positive thoughts
Shar

Hi Anne: thankyou so much. I have found such comfort being able to express my self. Yes that is how I am thinking of it now. That she is cared for. That is one comfort I have. Before she had to be home alone every night and in the early morning till I arrived over there. Sometimes I was not able to go home till 8 at night. My partner whom I have been with for 35 years is a heart patient and it was all getting too much with my health and his. Hope you have a blessed Easter and thank you so much for the prayers. I wont find anything out till I go to the Oncologist next week Friday. The waiting is always horrible. You always seem to wait for the other shoe to drop. But I have faith. Thank you again. Hilde

Dear Hilde, please let us know what you find out about your CT Scan, and we'll be praying for you. God bless you, and take care. Thankfully your Mom is cared for as well. Be good to you.

Taking away the phone was taking away some of her independence, and that is hard. But you didn't have a choice. I'm happy she is doing okay with it.

Happy Easter to you, too, Hilde.
Carol

Thankyou Carol for the good advice. I am feeling better about it today. The phone has always been my Mother's life line but I called the nurses station and they said she is doing just fine. I am glad to hear that. My sister is off today she is going there afterwhile for a bit. So I am glad of that.
The nurse said she does not even miss it or ask for it. So I feel ok with that right now. I understand theyre end of it. When the police called. She also called someones house repeatedly. They filed a harrassement witht he police. I can not believe it. But we would be mad too if someone called repeatedly. So it will turn out ok , hopefully. It just seems to be the hardest thing I ever had to deal with. But thanks to you I feel somewhat better.
Happy Easter to you and everyone here. Hilde

Hi Hilde,
The whole phone thing still makes my stomach turn. My mom's phone in the nursing home was her "lifeline." But she didn't remember when she'd called me, so she would call over and over (thankfully, not 911). I got so I would answer the first two calls, and then let it go to voicemail. She would get confused and stop for awhile. I visited everyday and the nursing home called me about anything at all. It was self-protection.

My dad wanted a phone but couldn't use one. I tried "fake" phones, but of course that didn't work. All of it was very painful.

Your mother is going to be very upset for awhile. You'll have to accept that and deal with it. Eventually, she'll forget about it, but it will take time. My heart is with you.
Carol

Hi Carol: I would like to thank you for your kind words. I was with her today. They had to take her phone away because she keeps calling 911 and says she does not. So I tried to talk to her the other day about not doing that but I do think she has lost the reasoning for that. Well I have the nurses desk number and I am there every day anyway. So that is the way it goes. It did upset me but I understand they had no choice. she does not know she is doing that. My father died 19 years ago and I had looked after her all those years. Just now she can not be left home alone. And no one can stay 24 hours for her care not to mention she lost control of things. She does not realize that either. So I dont know what she will say tonight when she notices the phone is not there. This whole situation is upsetting to me. But I am not able to do it anylonger. Well thank you all for your support. I do my cat scan tomorrow for the lymphoma. this is my first year wait. I have been under such stress. Well thanks everyone. Hilde

I just want to thank all of you wonderful people. It is so comforting to know others share my frustration (not that I want all of you to be frustrated, of course)! Just being able to read your posts and vent myself has helped. This morning, I became agitated by the way

nmexgal62, thanks for joining us. You'll need support with all that you are going through. Your dog is important to you, and that has to hurt. It's like the dog abandoned you, too. You'll have to find a way to stick up for yourself, but it's very hard. Keep reading posts from these great people. It will give you courage, and the knowledge that your aren't alone is powerful.

Take care,
Carol

Hi Hilde,
It takes time to get used to having help caring for your mom or dad. Since you've found a very good nursing home, she is actually getting better care, and you can visit her refreshed and ready for a nice conversation (well, as nice as it can be), without spending all of your time on care.

She will continue talking about "going home" for a long time, but as her dementia continues, she may actually be talking about her childhood home. So, diverting her when you can is likely your only option. The main thing is, drop the guilt. You did all you could and more. You need to take care of yourself.

Carol

I agree , you or no one needs to disrespected. My Mom was like that with my brothers fiancee. My Mom had a tumor in the colon. So she had to have surgery. so she has stage three colon cancer. We transferred her to a skilled nursing floor.
Where they tried to work with her to get her back to near normal. But now has dementia. So now she is there to stay. I did take care of her for a lot of years. She is 88 years old. I have contracted non hodgkins lymphoma. And all the other siblings of mine work. I did it for many years without help. So now I am tired and wore out. I love my Mother and it bothers me, but like the dr. said she cannot live at home alone at all anymore. My partner of many years and I have a condo. and it is small. So living with me is out. My mom is a good lady but just set in her way. Sh is not the easiest person to care for. Well one thing I do know she is in a good place they care for her wonderfully. So hope it gets easier for me. It just is not easy. She talks about going home every day. So we just kind of ignore it. She does not remember if you have been there an hour earlier.
Hilde

Nmexgal62 No you should not have to be disrespected by anyone- my late MIL use to chew me out and spit me out and the husband let it happen she did not live with us but close by when I was in labor years ago and home with a sick 3 yr. old and he knew I was in labor he stopped at her house on the way home from work to eat and have cigeretts which she kept for him even though he needed neither -I had to call her house to have him come home to drive me to the hospital- now I think why did I stick around two of his friends called me today to see how I was after he called them today from rehab N.H. -he does not call except to leave nasty messages if your husband will not defend you keep walking away or if possible get in the car and leave for a few hrs. Dr.Phil says it is better to be alone then be with someone and unhappy-or something like that. Shar - the husband is also passive-aggresive and it drives me crazy-no wonder I want him to stay in the N.H. Someone tonight at church asked me what I was doing for Easter and I said I did not know-what I wanted to say -staying home and having peace and quiet. My heart goes out to you both dear friends-may God bless you both.

My Mom of 82 lives with me and my significant other, George. I'm the eldest and live in Arizona away from my other siblings. They all dealt with my Mom for years and I stood up and said it was my turn. What was I thinking??? I love my Mom and I think she's a saint but sometimes..................I could just scream. She became disabled at a very early age (37) when I was 16, my Dad left the same day she had her accident and we haven't seen or heard from him since. Mom eventually rehabed after 4 years and managed to raise my 3 younger sisters as a single disabled parent under the guardianship of my Aunt. Not easy to say the least. We all have an imense respect and admire her living a Don't Rely On Anyone way of life. But It's that way of her thinking that has us all going crazy. She refuses to let anyone of us to actually take care of her needs. She thinks she can still do it for herself. And let's face it she can't. Although I'm over there constantly or I wheel her over here she decided to do things on her own when alone. Rather than calling us on the intercom (she lives 50 yards away in her own little house we have the property), she tries to do things for herself and then we end up with the mess. It could all have been avoided had she just call us via intercom. She's extremely stubborn and becomes passive/aggressive. I beg her to please intercom us for difficult tasks and she gives us the ok, whatever and in reality she's ignoring our pleas to let us help her. I know she's doing this simply because she of her belief in way of life but mostly does not want to disrupt any of our lives. She fails to see not relying on us makes things worse. She's just too proud.

Thanks for listening. I'm just a little frustrated.

Hello, everyone! It's a relief to know I'm not alone. My husband is the care giver to his father. This is our second marriage for both of us and little did I know that this would happen. His father is 88 or so years old. I have tried my best to be patient and understanding. Ever since he moved in, he's been rude to me. I have never seen such an unhappy man. He does have health problems and from what my husband tells me, his father has mental issues.
I feel I'm at my wit's end. His father has taken over my dog. HE feeds her from the table, she sleeps in his room and of course he spends most of the day with him. I work full time as an elementary teacher. Last night, I told my dog to go outside with the other dogs and he said, "Just leave her alone" in a mean tone. I just held my tongue and walked into my bedroom. I'm just tired of this kind of treatment. I feel he is a woman hater and on top of that Im Native American and he is Hispanic.
I tried talking to my husband about it and he told me that he's just like that. We ended up getting into an argument. I know my husband is use to this type of treatment. My mother in law divorced my father in law ten years ago. It was due to domestic violence. I feel I don't need to have this type of treatment either. Any suggestions would help. Thank you.

SanderK, I'm so glad you found people to connect with. These are all good, caring people. There is just so much anyone can take, and controlling elders can ruin a marriage and damage grandchildren. Please feel free to vent. As with everyone, there is no magic cure for the situation. We all have to work our way though these things. But you share a lot with others here, and hopefully, knowing you aren't alone will help you. Keep coming back and letting us know how your are doing.

Carol

I feel such a connection with many of you, and it is such a relief to know I am not alone. My 72 year old mother has lived with me for about a year and a half and she is driving me nuts! She lost all her money with a gambling addiction, and then my druggie 50 year old brother moved in with her and she decided to run from her problems and move in with me. Which I have to admit, I offered because I knew she was scared of my brother and not happy with her situation. So, she sold everything, house

ce.

I too have a controlling mother, but I have noticed lately she is not coordinated and cannot load the dishwasher or unload it, she does do her laundry as I have told her not to do mine, she folds all mine and than I have to either fluff again or iron which I just absolutely love to do. NOT! I would rather do my own house work, she never puts anything where it came from so when you cook its like a egg hunt. Within the last two weeks since she knows I expect nothing from her she has been a little more giving I still do not wait on her hand and foot and she has to understand I need a little time alone once i get home from work before I start my next job and yes it is a job but she seems to either have given in or given up or realized that I am all she has My sister is planning a trip up as soon as it gets a bit warmer so that will be something we can share. I look forward to it maybe my mother will even go to lunch with us if not we are still going. I have learned that even tho I have this responsibility which I took willingly I still have a life and am entitled to do some of the things I like to do and should not change my entire life just because of her. There will come a time when she will either be in a hospital and or a nursing home and i will have to hold on to my reserves for that time. I wish you all the best and I have felt just like you shadyldy exactly like you but I have been doing the kindness act overboard which is who I am no matter what she says, does or acts I am not changing me or letting her change who I am I have worked too hard over my 60 years to become who I am, I didn't have such good role models either. My best to you try to find time for you no matter what, you deserve it and if all her needs are met and she can move stuff from one place to another she can let you be alone for a little while. My mother inlaw used to do that she had dementia/alzheimers than accuse us of taking her stuff like we wanted old lady drawers and such. She only had 111 pair so surely she could have found one pair don't ya think? LOL My mother is getting the same way go thru her stuff, who knows maybe reminicing I don't know she doesn't share anything, or maybe thats her way of telling me she has things to do?? She has arthritis in her back and everyday she has to tell me I have arthritis in my whole body plus deteriorating discs but I just keep plodding away she sits and eats and gets larger by the day I try telling her all that weight on her belly isn't helping her back any and a little walk around the house would do her good but DEAL OR NOT DEAL is more important. So she has to make her decisions she has to live with them. Hugs and love to you all neon

Dawnone, i have to reassure you that you are not the only one in that boat. my mother is the meanness most controlling old hag i have ever seen in my life. and on the washing and dishwashing, it is the same here. she puts clothes in the wrong place. i have to look for certain items each time i get dressed. my pillow cases are scattered all over the house. i go to unload the dishwasher, and have to put a third of the dishes back in, as she has no clue how to load it correctly... i wish she would just leave things alone. also she drives me nuts by going and looking thru her closet each and every day. looking thru her drawers each and every day, moving stuff from one place to another, every day. also, her wheedling and whining if i dare to go anywhere without her. i have lived with this mean old woman for 8 years, i have grown to hate the mother that i once loved very much. dream of killing her at times. Anything to be free.
The amazing thing about this is: i was once a professional home care nurse. I loved old people and couldnt understand how their children could be so cruel to them. hahahahahaha now i know. and i was like the other lady, had all kinds of good advice for giving people who were caring for thier elderly parents. LET ME TELL YOU. SHUT UP IF YOU HAVENET BEEN THERE. it is no damned fun. i feel like i am in prison.
I have been sick for 3 months, doctor tells me that a lot of my problem is depression, from dealing with the mean old witch. i know it is. i can hardly wait for her to be gone. now if that sounds bad, good. i meant for it to.I am entirely too sick to worry about this old hag. i am 64. she is 91, and she brags to people all the time that she will out live me and makes me so mad. unnatural old witch. most people dont want to outlive their kids, but she does. i hate her.

mlv.... well good for you for holding your ground, but I would also have to say that even if she "changed her mind" too bad. The addition is being done, and you are trying to give them their independence with a bit of attention instead of being put in assisted living.

Don't feel guilty for doing your best. Remember these are adults who feel as though they are losing control. Some adults handle it with more graciousness and some fight to the death, but still choices are choices. Sometimes you as the caregiver have to give the options in order to let those who you are caring for make a choice that you can live with.

Also don't feel bad about dreading on going home or dealing with something. It is especially hard to face dealing with what's necessary when a person challenges you at every step. You just have to hold your head high, thank God for the ability to do and provide, and move on.

We're here for you and you aren't alone... we all feel like this frequently.

After reading some of the postings, I feel silly venting mine. Austin I wish you well with your surgery and with your husbands recovery. And hilde hang in there. As with any medical condition stress usually agravates the situation, so remember to take care of yourself.

This morning my mother started the toaster oven on fire. It was a good thing my son noticed it when he did. I had nightmares about this very thing cause before being hospitalized my mother was independent. She is able to take care of herself in the hygiene department and still can walk unassisted, but her judgement has diminished. I had to start back to work again last week and had argued the point with my husband that I can't leave her alone. He felt if I was out of work any longer we would begin to struggle financially. He seems to think she is able body. I explain to him that he is not with her all day and doesn't know what goes on. My two daughters and I are the only ones that know what's going on. She thinks that just because she isn't bedridden she is ok.

I have a struggle on my hands. I describe her as a toddler-because she gets into everything-with a teenager's attitude. She insists on washing dishes, but isn't able to clean them thoroughly. I use the excuse for her not to do them because she shouldn't be standing in one place too long. The same with the laundry. I end up having to refold and separate the clothes. There are five of us here besides my mom-when I fold the clothes I do so according to who they belong to and will they be hung or put in dresser. I've explained this to some people like my neigbors or co-workers. Unfortunately none have been in this same situation and say I should let her do something so she can feel useful. They don't understand that with all I have to do, having to re-do a chore is just too much for me. I don't want to tell her she is doing things wrong cause I have her sometimes people go into a depression. Has anyone had to go through this and what do I tell her?

TWO HUGS-Thank you for your comments it is great to have you and the other professional caregivers on this site to give us strugglers a different point of view- I had to tell my husband I can not take him home from the hosp. if he can't even get out of bed with nurses and aides helping there he is not happy but will probably have to go to rehab the social worker told me on the phone it was up to him but my son agrees with me- I can not be home with him 24/7 with his attitude and way of treating me-and I will be in surgery tomarrow and come home on TUE so will not be able to deal with it until I get home.

Hi Hilde45,
I'm a skilled in home caregiver and have been for well over 25 years.If your having this many problems with the caregivers taking care of your mom they need to be replaced. Period call their boss-office and let them know of this. The reason I go in to homes and do this type of care is to relief the family of stress. There isn't any reason for your mom to be calling you this much unless the people caring for her are not doing there job. Alzheimer patient have a hard time cooperating in the mornings this is nothing unusually. As the last thing they recall if anything is the last thing they did prior to falling asleep. I can also suggest you change you number,only give to the head supervisor who is handling the caregivers or remove the phone from the home all together. These numerous calls to are very typical of Alzheimer patients. Caregivers should be loving and be able to stop these calls to you.
I am not being mean. I am looking out for your well being as well as your mother's.
People with this disease just want to call whenever they feel they are lose their ability to care for themselves. Which is unfortunately almost always. The control as well as the mean issue is also a big part of this horrible disease. Whether it was this way prior to the onset or not. Just off the the top of my head "so to speak" the caregivers are talking way to much to your mother and trying to get her to do things she no longer comprehends. Mom needs to be put on a schedule and have limited use of things in her home and cared for with compassion. In turn you and your family should be able to visit and enjoy what time there is left with her.
Please notify the franchise you employed and alert them of this situation. If you don't get any satisfaction please find another company that services loved ones in their homes with Alzheimer's. Blessings

I am so sorry for all of you but I am in the worst boat too. My mother is 87 and had colon cancer and the surgery and is too elderly to do treatment. So they wanted her to go to a skilled nursing floor in a nursing home. I cared for her for a long while. I do have one brother and two other sisters. In 04 I was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins lymphoma. I am on blood thinners and have a vascular disease , Yet she calls me at least 7 times a night and she wont cooperate with them in the mornings. So they call and tell me that. She has always been controlling I am so tired of this. I can not deal with this anymore. Just wanted to know if you all have any suggestions. At the end of my rope and she is mean too. Also has early Alzheimers. Thanks

poor Austin

girl its murphy's law well I suppose your husband is in the hospital for several days take advantage and get your surgery done while you don't have to deal with taking care of him. Than when you feel better you can pick up where you left off with limitations I am sure. If your husband keeps this up he may have to go to a facility as well. sometimes we just don't have any control over stuff. you are in our prayers as is you husband

Cindy thank you for the update. I am suppose to have surgery on Mon but when I got home tonight I had a call on the machine from my doc I had preop work done yesterday and with my luck something is wrong -it was too late to call back tonight.The husband fell today and the cops who came from the lifeline call called the ambulance because of the bleeding so I followed the ambulance and he was admitted with a brused or fractured rib and a possible broken leg and a possible infection I stayed almost till 8pm in the ER and they did not know when he would get a bed. I am really stressed out.

Hi Austin: Thank you so much for caring. I am doing alright. I am 19 days post op gastric bypass now. I finally can eat soft food. I thought the liquid diet was gonna kill me. I had to stay an extra day in the hospital because I developed a fever. I already had my 2 week post op appt with dr at UCLA and seem to be okay. I see him again in 3 months with loads of bloodwork. I am still using Maryann, the caregiver to take care of my dad. But,next week I will only use her 2 days I am slowly taking over my responsibilities. I started cooking for family yesterday. I am tired and weak alot probably from malabsorption and losing weight. I am doing everything they told me to do. I lost 19 lbs since right before surgery and had lost 12 lbs before that. My body is already at a plateau I finally lost 1/2 a lb today. I hope you are doing well and God Bless you and all our friends and family whom we care for.
Love and Hugs
Cindi

195Austin

3 hrs ago
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Cindy dear I have been concerned how you are doing after surgery and hope you are ok- if you get this please let me know you are a good friend and I worry about

Cindy- I now remember about your surgery and hope all goes well for you and please rest afterwards and let others take care of you and if your Mother gives you grief tell her that is it -she has to leave tell her your doc said you can not have stress at this time.

Cindi, my dear friend,
I am glad you are getting to have the surgery. must mean that you are doing well with weight loss. Of course i will be thinking of u and you will be in my prayers. Hope things go well when you come home. my life is the same. my mom never changes, i change tho, as i become more bitter each day. my life has no joy in it anymore. love to all,Donna

Cindi- I will pray for you I am sorry but have not been able to keep up with the postings and can not remember what your surgery is for it is not for lack of interest things have been so crazy with me and the husband and just trying to keep afloat and now our son has a medicial problem and he has been a rock for us-I am going to have the surgery the docs wanted me to have but I wanted more info about and finally got some answers from reshearching it, and hope it will elimate problems later on so am seeing a surgeon in 3 weeks and setting it up and insisting we get aides in for 3 days after the surgery so I can get some rest. Dear lady take care and I will pray extra hard for you.