How do you walk the line between feeling responsible to your elderly parents, but feeling some resentment about childhood wounds? I feel like my parents don't deserve the amount of effort I've given them, and as their conditions decline I am unsure how much more I am willing to do.
To be clear, I wasn't mistreated. I always knew I was loved. They gave me everything I needed, paid for my college, and if I asked for $10 and it was the only money they had they would give it to me. It's more like emotional wounds that didn't heal - I got older and outgrew some of the stuff that was said to me.
I was a shy kid and mom was a social butterfly as was my sister. The two of them were best friends and I was their audience. Between ages 8-16, mom frequently told me to be more like the outgoing neighbor kids, told me I was a "zero and nobody would ever like me if I didn't change", and always told me to "just deal with" whatever decisions were made on sister's behalf that had negative impacts on me. Things like my sister wanted to go on vacation involving a 12 hour car ride, but I have terrible motion sickness. Didn't matter since they could pull the car over for me throw up. When I did, mom seemed disgusted. Mom even used to tell me she didn't have to like me to love me. Dad never engaged in this, but never spoke up for me.
I started talking back to her, but she would just walk away. Eventually, I got my driver's license and left the house often. When I went away to college, I guess she could tolerate me when I only came home on holidays because the negative dialog stopped from that point on.
Mom has dementia now. She and dad are getting by OK, but not great. I've delivered meals, groceries, provided lawn care, and attended dr. appts with them. I know they would like more of my time and attention, but do I have to?
Hugs to all of you.
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I really sympathize and empathize with you. I know its hard. I was in the same situation with my siblings. Your parents are lucky to have you in their corner. But always know if things are getting to be too much there are options.
I was a desperate pleaser. I never knew how to say no to people. I tried and tried for my dad, but he never even told me thank you for anything. If you can, maybe tell your mom and dad how you feel. Really have a heart to heart even with your sister. I know its not easy.
Thinking of you.
As POA you have the power to use ALL YOUR PARENT'S money for their care.
You will not be doing anything wrong, if you do spend the money for their care.
It is your decision to accept POA. You have the right to refuse it, if it causes you problems.
If you continue with POA, keep records of all your expenditures otherwise your sister can make waves, and ask for an accounting, if and when they die.
As for "honor thy mother and father."
As, I have prior stated, their are religious doctrines in almost all known religions that state clearly that in cases where a parent is or has been abusive to their own child, that child has no obligation to follow any commandment to "honor the parents"
The parents are also commanded, in religious texts, to take care of all their children equally and properly.
If they do not, they lose the right to honored by the children they have abused.
Sometimes in dysfunctional families only one child is targeted for abuse, while the other children are treated well.
The reason for that can include, looking like an in-law or relative they do not like, being more attractive than the parent, etc..
Please do not let anyone guilt you into taking responsibilities you do not want by beating you over the head with obligations that do not apply to abusive parents.
If someone wants to take care of an abusive parent, this is their decision and their right, but if they insist someone else who has been abused MUST do so, this is another form of abuse.
As for my sister, she doesn't think mom and dad have any problems aside from normal aging. I work full time, she doesn't. Her three kids are aged 27-18. They are independent, but she never finds time to stop by our parent's house to visit or give dad an hour off to go walk around the block. I questioned her about this, but she said "Mom and dad wouldn't want me to ruin my life to help them". She just shrugged when I suggested spending 1-2 hours with them occasionally shouldn't ruin her life.
My sister is a bully. Attempts at rational conversations go nowhere. I used to rarely talk to her, but six months ago I went no-contact. I have no plans to involve her with anything I do.
My parents' finances will allow them to pay for ALF. They gave me financial POA to pay their bills should my dad become unable to. However, dear sister is the Executor of their Will and the Trustee Successor of their estate.... they think she is great.
You have figured out & live the correct meaning of honor. You are my hero!
What I suggest that you should do first if you can talk with your sister, It’ll be the start.
Address the fact that the time has come when one of you has to be legally responsible for them. If she agrees to do it, welcome her decision. If she refuses to do anything to help than, count her out of the picture and if you wish it, have your parents give you a DURABLE POWER OF ATTORNEY where voluntarily can grant you the power to make all the decisions for them. Have the DPOA signed in front of a Notary Public that will make the DPOA legal and if you can have it also signed by a Lawyer to make it more enforcing. The lawyer's signature will cost you a bigger fee than just a licensed State Notary Public - They can't charge you a lot... I'm a Notary Public - The banks have one but they wouldn't sing this type of legal papers.. It has to be a Notary that has a special license to do it. I found one in the Internet, Maryland Mobile Notary Public who was able to come to my house to help signed all the documents need it to help my elderly friends, like the Advance Directive and the Last Will and Testament.
After being granted the DPOA find out their financial status, how much assets they have, if they house is paid in full. Gather all this type of information.
Once you know where your parents stand financially... than you can start making the decisions that will easy the emotional and physical burden you're carrying.
If your parents are financially established, use all that money for their care. You'll start looking for ways to help them. One of them it to find a place where they can be provide and cared.
There are many ways but the easiest is to search in google under retirement homes with assisted living. There are a lot of just Retirement homes for the elderly but few of them offer ASSISTED LIVING. You want with assisted living so your parents can be cared according to their personal needs. I've done that for my friends. (They have no one who can be responsible for them.)
Most of the retirement homes have an agent who represents them. You'll see that as soon as you turn on your pc. you' will have many of them advertising their services, you may be able to choose one that will suite your parent’s needs. I was lucky to have found a lovely lady (I never met her, It was her voice that prompt me to feel secure and felt that she grasped what I wanted and knew exactly what to do...) She helped me to pick a very affordable retirement home with assisted living in Laurel Maryland. Most are very expensive.
Most of the agents will try very hard to help you. They don't ask you to pay a cent for this service. I believe it's the retirement home that pays them a small commission. I really don’t know for sure.
Stand firm, hold on to what you’re looking before you’ll make any decision. Don't give any monies ahead. The real representatives wouldn't ask for it. As soon you hear one asking for a deposit, hang up the phone and don't regret it.
Once you settled with an agent, she'll take the first step by referring you to the retirement home with assisted living that you think you may like, if there is a lot more that you have chosen, she'll do the same. She sent me 13 references. My choice was in Laurel Maryland. Very affordable, lovely place, personal attention is great, they offer 3 meals a day, snacks, drinks during the day, entertainment, health services etc. etc. The special assisted care starts gradually as the elderly patient needs this type of special care. Ask from the beginning about the minimum and the maximum that’ll be added to the regular bill. You have to consider that the price of living in the retirement home is separate from the assisted living services. Most of the homes you’ll get refer too will send you the basic information either in an email or the post office. Someone – a costumer representative may call you or even the director of the center and they will take the time to talk with you in detail. They make it easy for you to compare since most of the homes follow the same protocol. I was helped to choose one with the very best in price and overall for the money we're paying. My friends are delighted. (They are a couple, he’s 90 with the onset of Alzheimer’s and his wife is 85 with acute Parkinson’s decease. They lived in their home, lost, alone, hungry, angry at their situation feeling abandoned. It’s a pleasure to see them now very happy and cared for.
Perhaps you can do the same as I suggested. After the agent makes the first contact with the retirement home that you have chosen that you may believe it's best suitable to your parents needs than they'll ask you to go in person to talk to them and see their facilities, show you the rooms, apartments, suites, etc. for you to pick and choose what you may like it or not. Take your parents with you and if they like the feel of it than along with them help them to make the right choice.
Once it's all set and done since you'll be having the DPOA you can start making the arrangements to have your parents move into a retirement home that you all have chosen. Always be kind on the phone. Always keep on alert and fallow your sixth sense (Woman, we all have it).
If they have their house, sell it and add to the rest of the money they have... Having the DPOA makes it a lot easier to decide where and how your parent's money can be spent. Set up automatic payments for the bigger bills. Have all their health insurances lined up and organized yourself so it wouldn’t become a burden to you.
Once you are done setting your parents in a retirement home with assisted living. I'm quite certain you wouldn't feel as bad as you're feeling now. To the contrary, you will start feeling proud of yourself and what you have achieved. You will see that have won over the emotional battle you fought your entire childhood... and if you're religious, you’ll have honored one of the Ten Commandments that it says HONOR YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER regardless of how they were to you as a child.
If your parents don't have the resources not the money need it, not the extra in savings or otherwise but only their Social Security pension than you have an easy choice. Call the Elderly Protection agency thru the Social Services, they'll tell you exactly what to do.
Social Services will take over your responsibilities and they'll have probably your parents moved into a retirement home with assisted living sponsored by the State. Social Services wouldn't take any responsibilities unless your parents are penniless and don't have any savings at all.
To help be able to help my very elderly friends I had to learn a lot on how to jump all the hoops and follow all the steps it was required it to get the help need it . I was very lucky to have found many people willing to help. Bless are all these people who can guide and help to resolve whatever comes onto our paths.
Keep your head up, be proud of yourself, be positive and things are going to be much easier for you You will see. I wish you the best of luck.
Betsey
I agree with her, do only what u r willing and set boundaries and stick to them.
Can you let us know where the favored daughter is in all this?
This idea that our parents tried to do the right thing - with all due respect, I call BS on that! They make enough excuses for themselves without us making excuses for them. Neither of my parents ever cared about doing the right thing. They cared what was easiest, what was most convenient, what was most gratifying to them. It doesn't take an instruction manual to raise children in a nurturing environment. It takes a modicum of compassion, respect for others' feelings and point of view, and willingness to extend oneself. My parents lacked those things, and it appears GingerMay's did too. I wouldn't feel obligated to care for them either, except in a minimal "responsible adult" sort of way.
You wrote: [" Thus, it took a lot of therapy to get passed the social conditioning that we must honor our parents.
It is not why we were born in that type of home. We learn the lesson of humility, we learn that too much compassion is not healthy, we learn that we expect love from the outside and lack it from the inside...
we learn that we are almost akin to "codependants" because we are somehow still seeking love from the stones that gave life to us. Stones. Yes. Stones. "]
Your post offered excellent and compassionate advice, from someone who has been there.
Unfortunately, people who think that all parents are doing their best, or would never harm their own children, are people who are in denial, or they are co-dependent, or suffering from stockholme syndrome, or they had amazingly caring and wonderful parents.
This type of denial, though, is harmful to a person who has been abused, all their life by a malignantly narcissistic parent.
I am not talking about a parent who has treated all their children equally and has always been a "good enough" parent, and then suddenly has dementia and becomes nasty.
I am talking about parents with a personality disorder.
A parent with NPD has always been that way and will never change, and nothing the adult child will do will ever be good enough.
Your suggestion for GingerMay to seek therapy is an excellent one.
A good therapist will recognize the abuse and will not encourage GingerMay to stick around to be further used as a doormat or punching bag by her family. She will point out that codependence is an unhealthy state.
A good therapist will not guilt GingerMay or anyone into "honoring" these types of abusive parents, unlesss it is something Gingermay wants to do.
We didn't pop out of Mom with an instruction manual. I have come to learn, all parents think they are doing the right thing (well, most of them anyway) but it's all trial and error.
Kind of "the proof is in the pudding" stuff - no one knows the repercussions until much later in life.
If you need more, how about "do unto others as you would have others do unto you" - - one day, hopefully, we all will get old.
You must take care of yourself also. In an airplane, if travelling with a child, they always tell you to first put your own oxygen mask on, and then you'll be able to put the child's oxygen mask. All parents, all of us, parents or not, are "imperfect". Don't confuse imperfect with actively "abusive".
And what about other responsibilities besides yourself - like your own family or your job or whatever. One can drown in trying to take care of one very needy person.
Having reread what I've just typed, it sounds awfully tough and hard. Don't mean it to be. Just want to create a balance.
No, you don't have to take care of them. I try to abide by the rule of limiting what I do for my mother to the extent I need to do so to keep my own resentment in check. It works most of the time, but not always. Last week I had to spend five days in a row with her, due to drs' appointments and some other circumstances. It was trying, to say the least. But if you try to limit yourself to doing what you can do out of care and concern, and not allow yourself to be roped into obligations you'll only resent, I think you will feel more at peace with the situation.
Your parents actions, as described are emotional abuse. There is an obvious difference between an imperfect parent and an abusive parent.
What you have described is emotional abuse.
Favoring one child over another typically indicates that the parent has some type of personality disorder. Typically narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), you may want to google that issue. It may open your eyes, and alleviate your guilt.
Abuse is abuse. It does not matter that your parents paid for college, much of the treatment you describe is emotional abuse pure and simple. The degree of abuse is neither here nor there. Any abuse is unforgivable.
Where is your pampered sister, now that your parents need pampering?
As for religious stuff, there are many quotes in the bible and other religious texts that point out that the "honor they mother and father" commandment does NOT apply to abusive parents.
No one would expect an abused wife to take care of an abusive spouse. The abusive spouse would most likely be charged with a crime.
Yet if a parent is abusive some ignorant folk, claim it is still the child's responsibility to care for an abuser.
Such guilting may stem from their own wounds and co-dependency or stockholme syndrome regarding their own abusive parents.
This is NOT however what religious texts say, if people actually read them. Religious doctrines do not command abused children to honor their parents.
If you still want to care for your abusive parents, that is your decision.
But, if you do not, you need not feel guilty. Perhaps you can call adult protective services in your state.
If you have POA, you can use their money to pay for assisted living or another type of elder care facility.
If you do not, and your sister does, then it is her responsibility to use your parents resources to fund their care.
In families with NPD, often the kind, responsible, hardworking child is treated like Cinderella, while the others, such as your sister are treated special, just like the evil stepsisters in Cinderella.
It seems as if you are Cinderella in your family and the parents now are calling you in to mop up the mess they have created by treating one child special and ignoring the emotional needs of the other.
If you do not want to pick up the mop, now, you have no reason to feel guilty.
Personally, I believe it is your parents who should feel guilty for the way they treated you.
So many of our old wounds revive whenever we are confronted with caring for imperfect parents. I agree with TNtechie that forgiveness is the gift you give yourself. But the path to forgiveness is not easy. Many of the caregivers who come into therapy struggle with two desires: wanting justice for those undeserved wounds and walking the higher road of goodness and compassion. We are, after all, only human. We do not deserve to be treated poorly.
Several people have suggested therapy for your emotional pain. Wise advice. As a therapist -- and a wounded child--, I can tell you that it can help you heal that pain and determine what level of care you can commit to without guilt, shame, anger, or self-neglect.