Issues w the devil.

There was a precious poster who's Father became aged & seriously ill. Although different, I see similarities.

The man wished to age in place. His wife (10yrs +) was not a very flexible person. Liked things as they were. Add to that was her own (slight) memory or problem solving issues. She said no to home health aides, no to deliveries, no to changes to the home (not even a grab rail). Possible disbelief or denial over his illness.

It is very hard to age at home when the help, services & equipment you need are blocked by the other occupant.

The one in need has to stage a take-over - but if health problems, physical or cognitive prevent this... then what?

Adult offspring not living in the home can advocate, but cannot force the Wife to do anything she does not want to do.

The family here may need to comprimise. If aging at home is not possible, then it will have to be aging in a different location aka a new home.

PS the end of the previous poster's tale was the Father landed in hospital. It was too unsafe for him to return home into his Wife's sole care (she was undx but found unwashed, underfed & wandering by this time).

Sad. But he DID stay at home as long as possible.

Dr Laura, who I love for her "tough love" approach, calls mixed families "More of a tossed salad". I love that. She means it gets messy.
I think this is true, and wish a Forum could solve it, but we are more or less a tossed salad ourselves. I am thinking you are looking at lawyer work, and yeah, 50,000 sounds about right, with no guarantee. The court, without SOLID evidence incriminating Mom will side with the spouse.
Sure do wish you all the very best. A tough situation. Hope you'll update us as you comb through it all.

I don’t think I responded in the correct place to @Burnt Caregiver.
I’m not sure where you got the idea I made him change something. I didn’t make him do anything, he asked to go to lawyers after all his children explained his wife was not the right person to handle all this given all her blunders. These changes were actually put into place w his lawyer right before Covid but were never signed. I didn’t get POA changed to me, it was changed to my sibling and MPOA changed to me. I don’t want anything to do with his financial stuff, that’s not a skill I have. My concern is her changing his meds w/out consent/telling his dr. (Where he’s ended up in hospital 2x and skilled nursing once) and him aging in place as he’s planned. However, I was happy when he changed MPOA over to me (his wife admits she doesn’t know anything about insurance) and POA turned over to my sibling so that we can insure his future medical and home care is taken care of. However, MPOA isn’t active yet but probably will be next year. His cognitive tester said she’d be concerned if he lived alone. see less

I didn’t make him do anything. I didn’t get POA changed to me, it was changed to my sibling and MPOA changed to me. I don’t want anything to do with his financial stuff, that’s not a skill I have. My concern is her changing his meds w/out consent/telling his dr. (Where he’s ended up in hospital 2x and skilled nursing once) and him aging in place as he’s planned. However, I was happy when he changed MPOA over to me (his wife admits she doesn’t know anything about insurance) and POA turned over to my sibling so that we can insure his future medical and home care is taken care of. However, MPOA isn’t active yet but probably will be next year. His cognitive tester said she’d be concerned if he lived alone. see less
We all totally agree it’s his money, but he’s not controlling it because he’s out of it. He can’t remember something that was said 5 min ago. After her scam, she told him he got all that money back and he was the one who did it. Neither one of those things are true, but she’s told him that story often enough that he believes it. We have tried to work w her for years to no avail.

Thank you everyone for your responses. I can’t remember if I have mentioned details of dads wife and her family. Without going into a lot of detail, first hubby was sentenced to 5 yrs prison for financial scams she & he committed. She has 6 daughters, 4 will not speak to her and one that will, wife bought her a house w money she scammed from 2nd husbands daughter. This daughter has also sued 3 companies that we know of for large sums of money. We do not talk to her family. We tried including her and her family in our family gatherings and she always insisted that we not speak to one another. Dad has never met her other 4 kids and doesn’t even know her sisters name or anything about her.
Anyhow, that’s not the big issue. Dad changed his MPOA/POA from her BACK to his kids (he changed it to her after 4 yrs marriage) which makes sense given her age, horrible financial sense ( he paid her back taxes on $275k when they were first married and then her 2 recent situations of being scammed out of a lot of money). She’s been working on him the last 4 months, ever since he changed it to us and got him to change it back. She has also been nagging him to change executor to her ( I saw her coaching / telling him when he asked to go to lawyer to change MPOA/POA to his kids). She “coaches” him and he does/ thinks whatever she tells him ( this has been confirmed by others who have witnessed it.) His score on MoCA test is at bottom end of “mild cognitive impairment” ( this was 7 months ago and he’s worse now).
I just wanted to clarify the situation (hard to do in a forum!). Also, it was mentioned that she also has a right to not let him age at home as he desires w caregivers. I see your point, but on the flip side, I don’t think it’s fair for someone to marry him at almost 80 yrs of age, who had LTC insurance and had always planned on aging in place, to tell him now that she married him and he supported her, that he has to leave. If he had not married her, he’d be aging at home as planned. I guess she could always move to another apartment but that’s unlikely to happen.
thank you everyone, it’s always good to hear other perspectives.

Your Dad wants you to go to his appointments with him?

Taking things away from a vulnerable elder (like the calendar) to limit their independence could be elder abuse. You might need to contact APS, get them involved if you think your concerns are valid. It sounds like both husband and wife have need of an intervention. You say she gave $75,000.00 away? A good reason to call in APS for both. It does not have to be you against her, or her family against your family. Just get them the care they both need.

Treating one spouse and dividing them in a war for control is not a good course of action. Can you help both of them at once, be an advocate for both?
They have been together for over ten years? They are a married, legal entity.
Try not to mess with that, but get them help (together).

Having a 90 y.o. wife be the caregiver for a 90 y.o. is a stretch.

First of all this woman is his legal spouse. When people are married their husband or wife is their next of kin and the one who makes decisions for them should they become incapacitated.
So really, it wasn't your place to get your father's POA changed over to you and your brother unless he is in danger and cannot take care of himself. He's mentally with it, so he can live any way he likes.

It sounds like he is if she's cutting back on his medications and all. That could be dementia on her part, but I'm going to tell you truly. People have the 'Right To Rot' as it says. Which means they can choose to live in unsafe, unhealthy conditions if they are of sound mind.

As for your speculating that she wants to "set up" her "loser" daughter (your step-sister) with your father's money, is really not your business. Don't forget that inheritance is not guaranteed. While your father is still in his right mind, he has a right to spend his money and "set up" anyone he wants.

So your best bet would be to try working with his wife and going around her.

Guardianship will not cost $50,000 to apply for because there will be no guardianship awarded if he has not been declared mentally incompetent.

The wife is 90? Hard to tell. They have been married for 10 or 13 years?
The modifications to the home were made, or not done because she wouldn't allow it?
Has any effort been made to contact her daughter, who owns a house?

The devil is in the details. Throwing around varying details on known facts that you, as family should know, may be an indication of insincere investment of interest in solving your Dad's care needs.

The things you mention could be dementia also for the wife.

Have you considered placing them both in a nice assisted living facility together?

Thanks KT for your promise to update us. Following to see how it will go.

Thank you for your comments. Will update after appt. w attorney.

“My dad recently changed his MPOA/ POA”

So, he’s mentally competent. One can’t get guardianship over someone who’s mentally competent.

You see things are not ok - but what can be done?

Wrestling for MPOA/PO has begun - Dad's 'kids' have (for now) but wife planning to obtain.

My take is that Dad may *wish* to age in place, may *wish* to stay at home. Has the RIGHT to do so.
BUT
His wife has the RIGHT not to be his servant, is not obliged to provide the hands-on care herself, nor obliged to allow health aides into their home.

These situations where you have to balance out people's rights get mighty tricky.

(I get you dislike the Shady Wife, so may have discounted her wishes/rights. No judgement! But a judge/court will not have that bias).

I think keeping your names & phone numbers with Dad's doctor to ensure you are contacted for any serious health issue / ER admission. Sometimes emergency Guardianship an be granted if need be, but I agree, without clear evidence of abuse, wife will trump kids.

Thank you for your opinion. It’s what we thought.

If you go for guardianship and DO win you can, yes, take this from the estate in almost all states. That, of course is the question you need to ask the attorney who advised you that guardianship will cost 50,000.00. Don't take the word of a "Forum" for crucial legal matters.

This clearly is a second marriage in which you do not trust the wife.
If you win guardianship it is unlikely the wife will remain in the home. She will almost certainly move on if money is her only goal. So be ready to decide on placement or in home care and a division of his finances through divorce.

Hope you will update us as you move forward. You clearly are aware of all your options. Short of conservatorship or guardianship you have little choice and I don't see, without CLEAR EVIDENCE OF ABUSE how you will wrest that away from a legal wife. I don't think it will happen. Just my guess.

Best out to you. Wishing you good luck.