I am new to caregiving and am caring for an elder that is demanding and is prone to a bad temper.

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I am new to caregiving and am caring for an elder that is demanding and is prone to a bad temper.

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Hi everyone. I'm 47 years old and live in the home I grew up in with my mother. She just turned 79 in late July.

My mother is obese (5'6" and over 300 pounds), is on medication for blood pressure and cholesterol. She has two coronary stents. In late 2005, she started having some vision problems due to circulation in her eyes. Because of her weight, she has some mobility issues/arthritis.

In spite of this, she is in better shape than many others I know who are her age.

She's always been demanding and prone to bad temper, but over the last month, it's gotten a lot worse. Right now, she hasn't spoken to me for almost FIVE DAYS all because I went out to dinner with my significant other on his birthday and came home around 11 that same night. She was mad because she had to get up out of her chair, go in the kitchen, and cook something.

I had brought her some food from our dinner and she basically said "I eat more than once every 30 - 40 hours; shove it up your a**; go take it to your significant other and his family, they're all you care about anyway." I had told her in advance we were going out to dinner and I would be home later.

Since then, she won't say anything to me unless it's in a sarcastic or hateful tone of voice. When I called and asked her what she wanted to eat before I left work on Friday, she said she "hadn't thought about it" and hung up on me. When I was getting ready to go out with my signifcant other last night, she said "I see you're getting ready to go work your corner again." (Yes, my mother basically called me a whore.)

I am going to call her doctor tomorrow and request a face to face meeting with him. I really believe she needs some medical help. I'm at the point now where if I DO go out, I'm afraid to go home, not knowing which side of her I'm going to see.

This makes me angry. I bring the paper in for her every day, bring in the mail, make sure the checks are written so bills are paid, do the laundry, take out the trash, go to the store for her. I do clean the house--not to her satisfaction, but I do the best I can.

She doesn't like my significant other, but it seems that she's becoming more resentful of the fact I have a life and do social things. A few weeks ago, when I told her that I was meeting some friends after work to see a movie, she said, "so that means you're not going to feed me?". I said, "I will bring you dinner AFTER we leave the movies and that will be sometime after 7:00."

She won't go anywhere--I've tried to get her to go places and she won't.

I'm sorry, but I don't deserve to be treated like this. I just need to vent.

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K kyredhead12 Oct 2008 · Answer 1 · 2008-10-16T08:41:05.000-0400

topaz that is very helpfull thant u so much.

C EXPERT Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF Oct 2008 · Answer 2 · 2008-10-16T10:40:22.000-0400

It sounds like my mother-in-law. Paranoia and seeing "kids" that weren't there and such. Yes, it's sounds like dementia. It could be mini-strokes and/or vascular dementia. It could be Alzheimer's. It's likely dementia, unless she is taking a medication that is doing this - that happens more often than people realize. She needs to be checked out by a qualified doctor. Don't tell her why - just say it's checkup time, maybe her bloodpressure meds need changing or something (could be true.)

Good luck with this and keep in touch.
Carol

M Mari Oct 2008 · Answer 3 · 2008-10-16T10:52:40.000-0400

Thanks for your help Carol, I guess without her knowing it, we should start with the PCP or the heart dr. Shes on blood pressure meds. and a diuretic and a heart pill, she started doing this about a year ago, it kind of stopped, now she started it again since shes been back home. She was saying this when she was on a different regime of meds. Yesterday was the worst, now she thinks that the people that are on TV can see her, I don't know what to say anymore.

Thanks again, it is good to hear someone else's opinion, especially someone who has dealt with a similar thing. Stay in touch

C EXPERT Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF Oct 2008 · Answer 4 · 2008-10-16T10:56:43.000-0400

Go along with what you can - because if you fight her and tell her she's wrong - well you know where that gets you. But some things you just can't "agree" with.

But if you can distract her, she'll forget some of it. Paranoia is one of the hardest things to deal with, because you don't want her more scared by agreeing that the people on TV can see her, but she won't believe you if you say they can't. Getting her away to something else, when possible, is best. I know this is tough. I'd get her to see her doctor pronto.

Carol

M Mari Oct 2008 · Answer 5 · 2008-10-16T11:38:06.000-0400

Thanks again, Carol. I was telling her that the people on TV can't see her and that there are no kids in her yard or the one next door, but she got real angry and told me that I thought that I knew everything, she knows what she sees. I'll take your advice and distract her or change the subject. The paranoia goes on and on, its just so hard to deal with a lot of the times and my brother is in denial about it all.

C EXPERT Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF Oct 2008 · Answer 6 · 2008-10-16T12:04:06.000-0400

Yeah, I know. It really brings back memories. I coped with paranoia with my dad's (surgically induced) dementia, and my mother-in-law. It is really hard to distract them sometimes, and it's so wearing on you. She maybe would be better with some anxiety medication. The doctor appointment is next.

Take care,
Carol

L Ladydi Oct 2008 · Answer 7 · 2008-10-18T07:07:55.000-0400

I can't emphasize enough that "tough love" works! Everyone's comments about getting treated with respect and not accepting unacceptable behavior is the way to go. I only wish I realized it many years ago before I allowed myself to be treated that way. My situation has miraculously changed when I changed my attitude toward myself and my mother. I didn't mention in my first post that I had several nervious breakdowns and was even taken away "nude' in a straight jacket 20 years ago. As the years went on and I got better and better with the help of God and my doctors, I vowed never to let anyone treat me badly which could cause another episode. Today I am strong and have a loving relationship with mom who I hated all my life. She even tells me she loves me and I respond back with the same sentiment. It tooks us years to get here, but little by little, day by day if you change your behavior, your mother will change hers. And...if not, she'll have to get along with the best you can provide, not what she wants or she'll find herself alone, more and more.....try it, it just may work for you. God'sBlessings to all, ladydi

C EXPERT Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF Oct 2008 · Answer 8 · 2008-10-18T09:56:49.000-0400

Wow! What a story. Thanks for your comments, Ladydi. This is a powerful testimony toward the caregiver not taking abuse.
Carol

S santababy266 Oct 2008 · Answer 9 · 2008-10-20T04:21:20.000-0400

Sorry you are going through this My Mom since moving in together in our own apartment her attitude has changed towards me and even more so now that I am a paid Caregiver through her Insurance Like You she doesn't like my husband and the feeling is mutual that is one of the reasons I am seperated but that is another story My Mom has trouble getting around but she can do things for herself but she doesn't Even when we lived in the house with my Husband she never did anything but sit for 14 hours a day watching TV which drove my Husband crazy She thinks now she has total control over me and hates it when he calls or comes over Part of it is jelosey the other she Hates him and never has anything nice to say I feel like a doormat She complains about everything Part of it I am hoping is Stress the other is she wants me to let go of my Husband and be Independent which I am trying to do But like you nothing I do is good enough for Her I am so glad I found this Web Site because I thought I was the only one going through this Sounds like you are right your Mom might need more Help then you can give and calling Her Doctor sounds like the right thing to do I hope the best for you Blessings Deborah

L Lynn Oct 2008 · Answer 10 · 2008-10-20T16:43:20.000-0400

If your mom is bored there are places you can take her. Like senior centers where they play games, excerse, talk, etc. This can be a good out for both of you. Try asking a social worker if there is a day care for mom. Some states/towns have these places.

C EXPERT Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF Oct 2008 · Answer 11 · 2008-10-20T17:11:35.000-0400

Lynn's suggestion is a good one, if you can get your mother to go. Senior centers can give people some peers to relate to. This won't cost much.

Day services (sometimes called senior day care) can be expensive, but usually you can choose how often they go. They often have a pickup bus, too. Both are options to look at so that you can get out more and have some time.

Mostly, you'll have to learn to stick up for yourself, and I know that's hard when you haven't been (that's my personality, too). In the end, though, we have to make the abusiveness stop. It's harder when you live together. You can't just walk out of the apartment, but you can leave the room.

Tell her you won't do what she wants until she can talk nicely to you. If she is getting (or has) dementia, then you need medical help. If it's her personality, it's ingrained in your relationship, and will be a struggle to wiggle out of. Please do keep coming back here to talk, and get help through adult social services if it gets too rough.
Carol

M Mari Oct 2008 · Answer 12 · 2008-10-21T08:45:14.000-0400

Hi ladydi--I feel for you, but I'm glad that you are stronger and doing okay, I will pray for you. I too put up with verbal abuse from my mother, but I stand up to her and match her word for word, am I being too harsh, I don't think so, finally she stopped her nastiness right before I left to go home. the problem that we have is that my mother wants to outside help, no friends (because they talk behind your back) nor does she want to go to a seniors center, she blames her disability for not taking access, but she can get in and out of a compact car with no problem, she wants me or my brother to do it all.

Please continue to stand up for yourself Ladydi, you sound like a strong person and will be fine. please post again, mari

N norma Oct 2008 · Answer 13 · 2008-10-21T19:32:01.000-0400

Santababy266 I read you get paid by your mother's insurance company for being a caregiver, is this Medicare or her private insurance co. I have been trying to look into this for myself, but no one knows what I am talking about. I keep hitting brick walls. I live in Pa. if that helps.
Norma

C EXPERT Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF Oct 2008 · Answer 14 · 2008-10-22T07:52:38.000-0400

Hi Santababy,
I'd check with Pa. State Human Services department (they may have a different name, but if you get to the general place, they'll point you in the right direction). There is national legislation being pushed by some legislators to pay family caregivers, but at this time, to the best of my knowledge, there's nothing national. If I'm wrong on this, I'd love to hear about it.

Some private insurers, Long-term care policies, and maybe even some counties and states have this in place, but it's far too rare. I am sure we'll see this coming, but it's not much help for those who need it now.

Carol

R rbxk31a Oct 2008 · Answer 15 · 2008-10-22T14:47:05.000-0400

Most states and insurance companies would go broke paying caregivers even if it meant keeping an elderly person out of a nursing home. I don't imagine that such a bill would get very far especially in these days and times. I'll still check it out though. There may be some little known law on the books that few people know about. Many counties have services that seniors qualify for other than Meals on Wheels. Some counties offer assistance with energy bills, for example. I recently learned that many seniors qualify for food stamps through their state. Every little bit helps!

Val

Val

C EXPERT Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF Oct 2008 · Answer 16 · 2008-10-22T15:25:18.000-0400

Many seniors would qualify for Medicaid, as well. All options need to be examined if they are not able to pay their bills.

Eventually, the health care system will work through the fact that it is cheaper to keep seniors in their homes with paid care, whether family or hired from an in-home agency, than to pay for nursing home costs, if the elder doesn't really don't need a nursing home. When that time comes, I expect that family caregivers may get paid. How much is the question. Will it cover the lost salary of the person who quits work to care for the loved one? We'll see.

N norma Oct 2008 · Answer 17 · 2008-10-23T19:36:30.000-0400

ok thanks to all of you for answering my question. I just found out my brother and his wife won't be up to relieve me again this weekend or for the next couple of weekends for that matter. I have had 2 full days to do what my husband and I want to do in over one year. i am glad I can be here for my mother,but she doesn't me half of the time, and she usually won't talk to me other that one syllable answers. Sometimes, i feel like i am in this alone, my brother is too busy being a social butterfly, going on trips, visiting friends and going out to eat. I can't even get that. Mom doesn't even thank my husband or me when we do take her to eat.
Norma

R rbxk31a Oct 2008 · Answer 18 · 2008-10-23T21:56:57.000-0400

I'm sorry for your frustration, Norma. Check with your local assisted living facilities or your county's Department of Aging to see if you/your mom qualify for respite care. The ALF most likely will require a fee but your county may have a fund that covers the costs for short term respite every once in a while. Maybe you and your husband can plan now for some time to yourselves around the holidays.

Val

C EXPERT Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF Oct 2008 · Answer 19 · 2008-10-24T09:48:39.000-0400

Norma, check with your state human services department. Many have federal funding for respite care that goes unused, as people don't know it's there.
Carol

1 195Austin Oct 2008 · Answer 20 · 2008-10-24T11:18:48.000-0400

I have learned to stand up for myself but lately the husband has fallen back to his old habits and won't dress himself always says he can't-now he is in the hosp. again I am getting a much needed break and when he comes home I will have to seperate myself from him more. now it too cold to go out to the sunroom and close the door. I am discourgaged because I had worked so hard to get him independent in the first place.

A alicemb Oct 2008 · Answer 21 · 2008-10-27T01:03:13.000-0400

I really need to tell this story to someone and this seems like the place to do it because from what I read you have all been and are in the same place as I. I have been taking care of my father day in and day out for the last seven years. The last 4 have been really hard, 12 surgeries and recoveries and this last time 5 months ago was the worst I did not think Dad would make it. I have 3 sisters and they all live far away so I am the one who all this falls on. Dad was not always the best Dad and not their for any of us--therefore, the reason I am the only one helping him. Well I did not think he would last long and his alcoholism kept us away for many years until it made him so sick he stoped drinking 4 years ago. This is when the doctor visits started and before I knew what hit me I was his full time caretaker.

Anyway this past summer he did not even know the difference between AM and PM and I decided since he was on his last leg that I should put him in assisted living or my home if my husband agreed. My husband never got along with him because he has always been abusive to all of us. Anyway I got rid of his rental home of 12 years and he would not hear of assisted living and came to my home. Well since being in my home he has had a recovery to the point he is all of the sudden normal. I think he minulipated the situation to move with me. After all he has been great at that forever--when no one would talk to him all of the sudden he would end up in the hospital and everyone would come feeling sorry for him.

So for 4 years I have been their every day every appointment and now my home. I told him now that he was ok to take care of himself that he had to move into another place being that it is horrible having him here day in and out.

Well everyday is a fight and I feel so taken advantage of--I have a husband and I am 3 classes away from my BBA degree. He has me so stressed that we got into a huge fight and he is at the cornor hotel. I could no longer take it. I never have fought with him being sick but I feel he worked out this situation trying to get between me and my husband. Now I still feel guilty. What is going on I have been his slave forever and he has never been good to me and never said thank you once. Its like I have to do it for him and he never takes responsibility for his own actions.

What should I do? I never want to see him again but I am guilty for wanting my life back and I want to get over it. So many times he could have done things but he would rather be lazy and have me do them. How do I handle this? I have tried to get him to get friends or go to a class several times. I am ready to go back to work how can I attend to all his needs when they never end????

L Lynn Oct 2008 · Answer 22 · 2008-10-27T17:10:16.000-0400

My mother has palyed this game with me. No drugs or alcohol but lost of verble hurt and made to fill guilty. I have to come to terms with what realy counts in my life. My husband and I are not responsible for mother ever monet of the day. If your dad has the fanances to rent let him rent. Let him be on his on. Don't feel guilty, you have been there and done what needed to be done. Sounds like he is ready to be on his on. If he needs friends tell him to check into assisted living. They will do some of the little things for him, and you can visit when you have time. This game has been played on me for years. I no longer feel bad about what She thinks I should do. I have done what I can, but I too have a life and like your dad, she was not there for me except to cause trouble.

It is sad but I have come to terms with mother as a very good friend. What would I do to help a very close friend? Tough love is what I call it. They can and will run you down and next your health with start showing sign of problems.

Take care of your self and be thankful for the support of your husband.

Lynn

C EXPERT Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF Oct 2008 · Answer 23 · 2008-10-27T17:39:34.000-0400

Lynn said it all. He should be in assisted living, and he'll have people, care and whatever else he needs. If it becomes a situation where he needs a guardian, and your siblings won't step up, you can have a court appoint someone. You can't continue to take this abuse. Thank goodness your husband is behind you. You don't want to lose that support and your health. Your dad is choosing this way of behaving and you can't live with it. You've done more than enough. Things have to change.
Carol

A alicemb Oct 2008 · Answer 24 · 2008-10-27T21:03:39.000-0400

Thank you so much for makiing me feel better. You know this is sort of our generation problem because people used to live such short lives before that these long term caregiving situations did not happen very often and if they did the huge families of the past were more than enough to take care of family.

Its different today--people live alone for long periods of time and I must say I enjoy my time alone but I always have friends if I need to talk to someone, except I have wore them all out on the daddy thing. No one can believe I have been doing all this for so long.

So I wish there were more intervention by caretaking ideas and help for families like ours. It always seems to work out that one child does everything. I have been free for 3 whole days and I still feel sad because of his choices in life not because of mine.......I have realized that I have to live my own life or I will regret it forever and he really does not care about anyone but himself.

Thanks again--I am sure this will last a while and as long as I have someplace to vent maybe it will be easier to keep my life my own.

C EXPERT Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF Oct 2008 · Answer 25 · 2008-10-28T07:37:20.000-0400

Venting is good. Please keep coming back. You may want to check with your state human services to see where there is counseling in your area. You know you deserve better. Sometimes it's hard to make that stick until we have support.

Take care,
Carol

M mariagold Oct 2008 · Answer 26 · 2008-10-28T17:25:50.000-0400

To all who have to endure the anger and frustration of an ailing parent I offer this as a caregiver of many peoples parents. Stand up for yourself because you must take care of yourself first before you can care for another. We all need to learn and grow from our relationships so by asserting yourself and shedding the guilt trips you become a mature adult who no longer can be treated like a child and manipulated that way. At the same time you can assert your love for your parent. That no matter how baddly they treat you respect and acknowlegde a life that was lived the best way they knew how. This kind of attitude will reflect respect for both of you. Because when the end comes you will be able to let go and be right with it. This is what some parents who are only thinking of themselves and what they are going through do not understand. And that might be that underneath it all they are aware and afraid of dying and dying alone. So why do they push the one's who help away with bad behavior? Maybe that is all they know. If you understand this and can be the mature adult you may help your parent to grow too by showing them a better way of getting the attention they want. Do it for the both of you.

C EXPERT Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF Oct 2008 · Answer 27 · 2008-10-28T17:34:28.000-0400

Very sound advice, Mariagold. Most parents did the best they could, even when it wasn't very good. Few set out to purposely cause harm. Then, when they are old and hurting, fear can make them even worse. That doesn't mean caregivers have to take abuse. But standing up for yourself and detaching with love - these things are hard, but they do work.

Carol

A alicemb Oct 2008 · Answer 28 · 2008-10-28T23:25:05.000-0400

Thank you for the wonderful words. This is the best place on the internet I have ever gone. I have talked to dad and he is doing things for himself. He is going to the doctor by himself tomorrow. He actually ordered his own refills today because he told me.

I was also happy to hear him sounding good and he said he is moving into an apartnment that is very nice and has lots of other tennents his age and with his interest.

So maybe by letting dad know I am tired and cannot do everything he will find a more fullfilling life with other people and interest. I want him to be happy and have friends hopefully he will now.

Thanks again
Alice

C EXPERT Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF Oct 2008 · Answer 29 · 2008-10-29T08:33:01.000-0400

Good for you! This is exciting and a boost to us all. Next month is National Caregiver's month, and you are an example of what we need to do for ourselves and for our care receivers. They need to do as much as possible for themselves, and we need to care for ourselves.
Carol

B barbees Oct 2008 · Answer 30 · 2008-10-30T01:08:46.000-0400

HI,
I'm new at this so bear with me. I'm the 4th child out of 6 kids. My father was from Cleveland,Ohio and my mother is from the hills of Kentucky. Interesting combination right? In 1989 my older brother passed away. He was 41 had cancer. Then in 1992 my younger brother passed away. He was 34 had Aids. In 1995 my father passed he was 71 had a heart attack. In 2001 my older sister passed she was 55 had cancer. Now mom has Alzheimer's. My younger sister said she would helpme take care of her,ya right, she stops by maybe twice a month to take mom out to dinner and to get her hair done. So she's gone for about 3 hours at the most.Now we find out that my oldest brother has terminal brain cancer and is expected to live between 4-6 months.I know that Alzheimer's is a nasty disease but sometime its a blessing because if mom was normal ,she probably would not be able to handle losing so many of us. This probably is wrong section for this but You know what? I feel alittle better since I wrote this all down. Thank you for listening barbees

I am new to caregiving and am caring for an elder that is demanding and is prone to a bad temper.

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