notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
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1) You are “an optimist by nature so I look at the positives and inwardly celebrate small wins”. Unfortunately, being a bit too positive can hide the reality from you. Reality is not at all positive and you are compromising your own life. She’s 84, she can easily live another 10 or more years.
2) She “doesn't make sense but this is what she seems to believe”. Either she is already ‘mentally ill’, or she is faking – ie this is a deliberate trap to keep you focused on HER. Whichever it is, you shouldn’t go along with it. It is ruining your life now, and will until you stop.
3) “If I move far away she will lose her mind”. Rubbish. She can look after herself. Right now, enslaving you is her best option. If that no longer works, she will sort out something else. She is “84, healthy, sound mind” and “independent... by any measurable standard”. You are being taken for a sucker.
Start your own thread – you have a lot to work through. Love, Margaret
Now, I just need to vent...
My mother (84, healthy, sound mind) likes to feel independent, which she is by any measurable standard. However, she wants me available 24-7 because she just doesn't do adulting. Dad did all the paperwork. She never even had a credit card until he died. She drives but only to places where it's easy to park. She "needs" me to accompany her to the doc, dentist, chiropodist, hearing aid and specialist, optician, hair salon, and to go out shopping or for coffee at a moment's notice even if I have work to do (I'm self-employed).
She won't join the local seniors club or go on outings with people her own age because she does not want to think of herself as "old". She insists I drive her to her home town and stay in a hotel two nights at a time, but refuses to meet up with her old friends so the two of us spend the whole "break" shopping and eating together.
She insists on paying for trips, meals, and treats. Whenever I pay, she gets angry and says she doesn't want to be depending on anyone. She also reminds me I'm not earning much... When I remind her that I would be earning more if I could take the many opportunities I'm being offered in my career, she gets into a funk and accuses me of wanting to leave her, of hating her...
She is paranoid about my friends in a weird, jealous way. It's hard to explain but basically I think she worries I will abandon her if I meet my friends even for a minute. I know it doesn't make sense but this is what she seems to believe. She gets moody and passive-aggressive if I take a phone call from a friend or even if I stop to chat to a neighbour.
I am trapped. I want to leave, but I can't afford to rent within 200 miles of home and if I move far away she will lose her mind.
She is estranged from the rest of the family (not entirely her fault - my siblings are very abusive towards both of us).
She's also alienating her friends and neighbours with her grumpiness. I think she's depressed but she is angry-depressed and impossible to help. Her moods are contagious, but I detox by reading and watching TV.
I am an optimist by nature so I look at the positives and inwardly celebrate small wins (she goes to bed early, and I keep in touch with friends online).
I dread to think what would happen if she ever got very ill physically or mentally. I would be her carer. And if she died I would have to fight a legal battle against my siblings to stay in my home (Mum has left it to me in her will, but wills can be challenged and the legal fees are taken out of the estate, so only a fool would count on a will). I just feel life is passing me by.
Maybe leave some Instructions, fixins for lunch , & perhaps if Your Not There , you wouldn't be such a Target.
Even if it all goes to pot-so what? It seems to Anyway.
My commitment to taking care of my 88 year old Alzheimer/Dementia mother living in my home for 6 years has left me as her favorite person to argue with and lash out at, while my brother and sister only visit and enable her, doing thins that she can do on her own. They are "her babies". (By the way, I am the youngest and was always "her baby" and we always had a great relationship.)
Now, its just total disrespect and arguing while she struggles to stay in control, which always turns out to be dangerous to her health and finances. Guess who gets to pick up all the pieces and fix it when I step back and let her have her way. Which I admit, stepping back, is very hard to do since I am so OCD about making sure that everything is handled. Its a 2nd full time job and finding balance is hard enough let alone, the comments about how great my siblings are while simultaneously arguing and getting extremely nasty towards me.
Thanks for the opportunity to get that out in a safe environment.
Always remember to be nice to people who have access to your toothbrush.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
You can avoid reality.
But you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.
🙂 Your own brain ought to have the decency to be on your side!
True success is figuring out your life & career so you never have to be around jerks.
keep in mind also that narcs stick up for other narcs.
“I never realized how bad she was because I wasn’t that close to her for a long time.”
i see what you mean.
yup, narcs can’t keep up the facade forever. eventually their true nature comes out.
Sadly she has a lot of my mother’s traits. They are not nice ones.
But after 6 months of stupidity is still there that's another ball game.
The problem is I drew the short straw and am working with the attorney on my father's Medicaid and money that needs to be returned to the state from the sale of the house. I need her help right now and she is psychologically abusing me withholding the information I need. I don't want to get into the sadistic-ness of it online but I really think she is mentally ill. Even my husband who alway tells me I am overreacting is finally seeing this.
I really don't know what to do. She controls the estate trust account and my father's checking account and if she is not giving me the information the attorney is requesting. I don't know what will happen.
I will go to my grave hating my mother for putting my sister in charge of this. If you want to know why I am the one dealing with the attorney, it is because my sister had an argument with the paralegal and does not want to deal with them anymore, The argument was so bad that the paralegal actually called me and told me she refuses to work with my sister. People in nearly every capacity: nurses at the nursing home, the lawyer's paralegal, the funeral director, the real estate agent, the manager of the bank all have told me how rude and nasty she has been with them.
I just don't know what to do. Don't even know where to dump this it is so toxic. So I am leaving it in this place.
Evidently, there was something wrong with my most recent post about my referral being rejected.
Otherwise, my doctor here increased my Neurontin at night from 2 to 3 pills. I slept for 7 hours strait last night. That has not taken place in months! We will see about tonight.
Very interesting anyways
today’s words of wisdom:
CHANGING YOUR DUVET COVER:
1. Remember to use your energy sparingly. It’s a marathon, not a sprint.
2. Make sure you stay hydrated.
3. Don’t panic.
So I became the treat"
A quote I read on Instagram, not sure who said it. But it's soon true
“Don’t allow someone to treat you poorly just because you love them.”
Hold my halo.
I'm about to do unto others as they have done unto me.
Pre-annoyed (adjective)
You knew this person is about to p***ss you off even before they say anything.
“Be the reason everyone else needs therapy.”
R is doing better. Yesterday he was pleased as he remembered something he thought he would not have remembered earlier. I would agree - I see him slowly doing better memory wise and the aches and pains are easing with PT and some meds. I hope the neurologist can do something about the dizziness which is better, but still there. According to the PT, it's a disconnection between his brain, his eyes and his ear balance organs. He doesn't feel it when he is sitting quietly.
I agree, Your husband should be thankful that you care enough to schedule appointments and go with him. I know you don't have an easy relationship. Definitely as we age healing takes longer.
Take care and enjoy those grandkids and pets and keep us updated.