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My mom is 67 and she has expressive aphasia (word fining), early dementia, and COPD. She was just discharged home from a nursing home about 3 weeks ago because she BEGGED me to come home. I'm 42, her only child and pretty much her only family aside from my 18-year-old son. The social worker and unit manager at the nursing home agreed she was ok to go home as long as services were in place. She has a full team of professionals (nurse, PT, OT, dietary, aides, NP) that see her but it seems like she is declining being at home. She is also an alcoholic. I don't have any proof that she has been drinking, but I am suspicious. There is a liquor store in walking distance and I know that she has walked herself to a CVS which is further than the liquor store. I am so overwhelmed, I don't have the money to put her in assisted living, I'm up to my eyeballs in debt, I give her EVERYTHING she wants, I take her EVERYWHERE she needs to go. She took herself to the CVS on Wednesday without my knowledge (she is not supposed to leave her house alone) and then couldn't get herself home, when her health agency got wind of this information, an elder safety report was filed so now they may put her back in a nursing home and she'll hate me forever. I don't even really know what advice I'm looking for here, maybe just to vent. I don't even know. I just know I can't handle much more.

I am so sorry for both you and your mother. Sometimes there are no easy decisions. Hopefully your mother's medicare is paying for all of her therapies, and you are not paying out of pocket. If your mother is declining and leaving the house unattended, you have no other choice than have her go back to a facility where she will be safe, supervised & get therapies she needs. She most likely is drinking again if she is declining. You say she has gone "home". Is that your home or her home? If it is your home, that adds to your stress. Trying to work and earn a living for you and your child is priority now. I know you want her happy, but as her disease progresses, she will need even more help than you can provide. Please do not feel guilty for what you need to do to keep her safe. If she is at her own home, she can sell it to pay for her care, then go on Medicaid.
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Reply to JanPeck123
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Look up Wernicke-Korsakoff Syndrome (aka "wet brain") which is a type of dementia specific to long-term alcoholics.

https://www.healthline.com/health/neurological-health/wernicke-korsakoff-syndrome
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Reply to Geaton777
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Join Al-Anon like yesterday. Your mother has dementia and alcoholism that probably caused the dementia. Send her back to the facility so you can focus on your life.

What is driving these behaviors in you to make you want to take complete financial and care of a grown person? It sounds like fear, obligation and guilt better known as FOG. Let her become a ward of the state.

Realize that you've done everything that you can do at this time. Dementia and alcoholism are progressive illnesses that will not get better over time.
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Reply to Scampie1
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You are allowing her to 'run circles around you.' STOP THAT ...
"I give her EVERYTHING she wants ... I take her EVERYWHERE"

You need to question why you are behaving like this.
What is running you? what are your motivations?

You need to learn that you HAVE TO (learn how to) set boundaries (and why) and learn that it is okay to say NO. First step is awareness and then the second, third and 27th ... is being present in how you feel ... learn that your feelings are valid and 'okay' ...
know you have a personal power - to do what is right for you and her.

However, if you continue to do do do for her (perhaps while she is actively drinking too much / an alcoholic) ... nothing will change.

How do you handle GUILT?
You learn to understand what is underneath it.
What is running you.
You feel it to your core - don't try to push it away.
You feel it then you make a decision: This is how I feel and this is what I need to do... then do it.

If you allow her behavior / needs to get you into (more) debt, this is on you. It is your responsibility to be responsible to yourself and your own welfare 'too' - tight love here perhaps, however you need to hear it.

Your mother is VERY YOUNG (younger than me).
She is responsible for your own decisions if she is medically deemed to be able to make decisions for her own welfare, ie no dementia or cognitive issues that would cause her to need an/other to make decisions on her behalf.

I sincerely recommend you get into therapy.
Discuss these feelings - and my questions to you here.
Check out Rick Hanson, Ph.D., meditation Wed nights Zoom.
His teachings (Buddhism) / meditation can support you to deal with yourself and find your equanimity. I've been a part of his Wed nights for around two years.

You need to feel good about yourself / respect yourself / feel whole... Easy. Ah No. It is a life-long process and it starts now ... in present time ... with each decision you make. Feel how you feel (awful, confused, disappointed, fearful, mad) and then make decisions that are necessary to make - for you - and then your mother.

Gena / Touch Matters
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Reply to TouchMatters
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Sounds like she needs to experience consequences of her actions. If she is legally demanded to go to skilled nursing, then so be it. You have made sure she has all the support she needs to be successful at home - except her compliance. The last is her part - the most important part of making her "being at home" work.
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Reply to Taarna
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sashie822: Your mother needs to be back in a facility.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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TouchMatters Oct 30, 2024
Thank you.
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My aunt tried to guilt me into not putting her in a facility and taking care of her. She outright lied to my face and told me she helped my mom babysit me and took care of me. She said SHE was the one who took care of me when mom needed help.
I knew it was a lie. My mom told me she didn't look after me at all. She didn't ask my aunt, firstly, because she said she had no patience and she said my aunt never asked my mother to watch me.
I told my aunt I don't think that's true. My mom said she didn't leave me with you or any other relative on her side of the family. Then she laughed and said she was kidding, but she wasn't. She was trying to manipulate me and making me think I owed her.
I agree with someone else and let your mom become ward of the state. That's the only way you're going to get her into one, I believe. My aunt is still home, hobbling along.
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Reply to Tiredniece23
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TouchMatters Oct 30, 2024
No one can try or make another feel guilt or any other feeling. It is how a person feels in response to another's actions / behavior. We all have to take responsibility for our feelings. Sure, others will try / want to manipulate others ... although they cannot without our individual consent.
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I agree that you need to go to Al-Anon for yourself to get support and learn boundaries. Your Mom needs to be in a facility as anything else is enabling. It's not only that she's drinking (you know she is), it's that she's also doing things that are a danger to herself, which burdens you unnecessarily and will eventually probably result her being placed anyway. You've done as much as you can (and beyond) for her, so you should be resting in the knowledge that many people in her situation never get any of that outpouring of love and concern. Once she is placed do not have contact with her for 2 weeks so that she acclimates and cannot guilt and manipulate you. It's obvious her alcholism is causing her to not give a damn about how her actions are wrecking you. May you receive strength, courage, wisdom and peace in your heart as you defend your boundaries.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Once again, it is time to have a talk with a social worker at what appears to be an unsafe living situation at home for your mother. The word is Goal, not Guilt. Mom should be placed in a facility where your she is safer; only age 67! Try to get her into Alcoholics Anonymous rehab to stop her alcohol illness. Do not spend any more of your money on her. Once her assets are used up, get her on Medicaid.
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Reply to Patathome01
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By doing "EVERYTHING" for mom you are NOT helping her. You are propping her up allowing her to believe that she is independent. She is far from it.
If she is not yet on Medicaid talk to her Caseworker or a Social Worker about the best way to proceed with next steps. She will need facility living so that she gets the help that she needs when she needs it and someone to monitor what she is doing.
(Has it been determined what type of dementia she has? Is it Vascular dementia? or is it dementia caused by her drinking? In some cases the damage can be slowed by stopping drinking)
But telling an alcoholic to stop drinking is easy, getting an alcoholic to stop drinking is not so easy.

If mom is in a facility you should feel NO "guilt" she is there for her own safety.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Your mom is sick....in more ways than one, and you cannot fix her. You didn't cause her alcoholism and dementia, and no matter how hard you try you cannot fix either.
What you are doing is enabling your moms bad behavior by doing "EVERYTHING" for her, which in reality is hurting her and not helping her.
I would recommend attending some Al-Anon meetings so you can get a better understanding about alcoholics and the role loved ones often play in the alcoholics life.
You should NOT be spending one penny on your mom or her care. PERIOD.
If mom doesn't have enough money for her care she will have to apply for Medicaid and she may even have to sell her home to help pay for her care.
It does sound like your mom because she is so young, has alcohol related dementia which is such a shame. But that is on her and not you. She has made her bed and now she gets to lie in it.
So let your mom go back to the nursing facility where she will receive the care she now requires, and where she won't be able to drink anymore, as it's obvious the reason she is declining at home is because she is drinking again.
And you have to learn to be strong and not give in(enable)to your mom all the time as all that is doing is hurting her in the long run.
Let her be mad at you when you allow her to be taken back to the facility. At least you'll know that she'll be safe there and well taken care of, and won't be drinking. That should be your top priority.
I would also suggest replacing the "guilt" word with what you're truly feeling and that is "grief." You are grieving the way things are and the fact that you can't do a darn thing to change things, and you're grieving the mom you wish you had but don't, and you're grieving that things may never be the same between you and your mom again, which in the end may actually be a good thing, as what you have going on now isn't healthy anyway.
Please have mom placed again, and don't look back. You will be doing what is best for ALL involved, including yourself.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Sooner or later, your M will need to go to care, and they will dry her out. So sooner or later she is going to ‘hate you forever’. Is it so much worse to start now? And 'forever' may not really mean 'forever' - it may just mean until she dries out and finds that life is worth living without alcohol.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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Your mother isn’t safe with the current living arrangement. Otherwise no safety report would have happened. Why feel guilty over a circumstance you didn’t create and cannot fix? Put your energies into helping mom adjust to a new place where she will be cared for and safe. If she chooses to be angry at you, it’s still in her best interests. Time to give yourself some grace and care for you. I wish you peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Let the health agency put her back in the nursing home and let her know this happened as a consequence of her action. Stop worrying about her hating you. Wouldn’t you prefer she was safe?
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Reply to lkdrymom
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I am so sorry you are going through this.

I'd recommend some AlAnon meetings for you.

Dad was a hardcore alcoholic. He lived to age 87. The more advanced the alcoholism, the needier he got.

She may have the start of Warnicke Korsakoffs.

You have got to take care of yourself and your son first.
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Reply to brandee
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She’s only 67. She could live another 10, 20 years. You have got to stop catering to her NOW.
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Reply to LoopyLoo
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Your mother wants and needs to stay HOME because she's an alcoholic and needs access to alcohol. She needs to be in a nursing home to dry out, where she will not be given EVERYTHING she wants. If she hates you forever, so be it. At least you won't feel guilty for enabling her anymore. And once she dries out, she'll likely act nice to you again.

Go to a few Al Anon meetings where you'll learn a whole lot, and also how to care for YOURSELF now.

Best of luck to you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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She needs to be back in the nursing home.

Despite your best intentions, you are getting manipulated by her and at the same time you aren’t doing right by her in keeping her home.

Might I suggest therapy or at least read the book “boundaries”?
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Reply to Southernwaver
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I’m assuming you don’t live with Mom.
And if Mom owns her home it can be sold to pay for her care .

Since Mom is so uncooperative , I would let the “ health agency “ do what they need to do and place her to keep her safe . If necessary , let her become a ward of the state . More so than you , they will more easily be able to place her and get Medicaid for her if necessary.

I would definatly “ work with” the agency on this and let them help get her placed . So many of us have had such trouble getting a parent to leave their home .

I’m sorry . It’s hard , many of us have been hated for placing a parent . Dementia stinks . If they were in their right minds they wouldn’t blame us.
Don’t let Mom put guilt trips . You have done nothing wrong . It’s not your fault she needs more care and supervision and can not be alone . Mom doesn’t and may never understand that she needs constant supervision.

Do not quit your job to stay with her . You need to work to support yourself and your son . You should not spend any of your own money for Mom’s care .
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Reply to waytomisery
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