Am I wrong for wanting to tell my mother how much her physical and mental abuse impacted my life before she passes?

In my situation, I am one of 4 adult children. 2 were favored and 2 (one of my sisters and I) were not. I keep the secret still, as everyone else reveres my parents. Or purports to.
My dad got sick and died quickly, and I had a therapist help me through it.
When he was in ICU, before life support was removed,, I said I thought it would be good if each of us had time alone to speak with him...mom refused. Other siblings agreed. When it was my turn, I told him that he was dying, and that he would have to answer for what he did on earth. And that he had helped make me who I am, in good ways and in bad...and then I left. No other words.
First few years I'd go to the cemetery and cuss him out, after dark...no need to do that now.
Get support from a therapist, maybe the hospice chaplain can help you find the words to use and he/she can read a brief message to her from you. Write that long letter for your own healing, and have a ceremony to burn it and release her from your life.
Take care, this is painful stuff.

I like the idea of writing the letter and burning it. I also agree that she did teach you how not to be. Both my parents were abusive, and mt brother and i never expected to live long enough to reach 18. But we did, and i got out as soon as i could and took my brother with me. We decided we were not going to be like them. Neither parent ever apologized. My father did mellow just before he died (who are you and where were you for so many years?), and he was actually likeable for a very short time, but he still could not say, "I'm sorry." My mother is 97 now and we put her in a good nursing home. She is still as nasty as ever but at least she can't hurt us anymore. I see no point in stooping to her level and trying to rub a sad old woman's nose in the past. Every day since i turned 18 (and there have been many days!) has been a bonus day, and i refuse to let her control how i use those days. I told her many times before how i felt about the abuse but she is determined not to be blamed for anything. That's part of the narcissistic personality. I can't tell you how to handle this, but whatever you're looking for, you won't get it from her. Find a good therapist and write that letter for YOU... not her.

Write the letter.
Vent, get it all out.
Then burn the letter.
One suggestion below was to read the letter to her at the gravesite. If you decide to do this do it when you are by yourself.
Is your mom on Hospice? If so can you contact the Hospice Chaplain and talk to him or her?
You say that you do not want to see her leave this world without at least hearing the truth. My guess is she already knows the truth, she has heard it from you and your sister many times while you were growing up, she heard it from your father after he "pulled her off" of you or your sister. I doubt that after hearing the truth for 93 years one more time will have any effect on her.
Write your letter, burn it and let the anger, frustration, hate float away with the ashes.
You can thank her for a few things though.
You learned from her how NOT to treat people.
If you have children you learned from her how to be a parent, not by the example she set but by teaching you how NOT to treat them.
We all learn from our parents.
Some learn how to be a good parent and follow a good example.
Some are treated poorly and think that it is acceptable way.
Some are treated poorly and instinctively know that people should not be treated in that way.
To carry the burden of hatred does nothing to her but it weighs on you. Why let her live rent free in your head and heart. Evict her.
((hugs)) I wish you peace in your head and heart.

Please see a counsellor to process the issues of your childhood. Though you may find it cathartic to confront your abuser, I doubt that it will have any impact in changing her thoughts or behavior. It might even increase the difficulty in communicating with her in these last times of her life. You need to work through the process of moving from anguish over the past to a place of peace in your present. That pathway is called forgiveness - and it is a process. A counsellor should be well able to help you navigate this before your mother passes. My hope is that you will communicate that you have forgiven her for the problems of her parenting style/behavior and that you wish her peace in her passing.

No, you're definitely not a horrible person to want to be released from that pain, sorrow and rightful outrage. I just don't think reading her the letter, or even sending it to her, will bring about the closure you are hoping for. It's partly in the writing of it. Which maybe should be done with the help of a therapist so that you can work on forgiveness, the other part. She doesn't deserve your forgiveness but forgiveness takes away the power that her abuse still has over you. May you receive total healing and peace in your heart as you move through this process.

I agree with most all of the comments here, with one exception. I would type the letter, make 2 copies. I would absolutely send 1 to her and make sure someone hands it to her and watches her open it and read it and then updates you that she did read it. I would then take the 2nd copy and either have it placed in her coffin, or burn it. Whichever gives your soul the most peace.

First of all, you are not horrible. You are a survivor of abuse. You have a right and a need to heal from that. Although my mother was not horribly physically abusive, she was psychologically abusive when I was growing up. I have been taking care of her for a couple years now. And I have confronted her on these things. Unfortunately it came about in a “last straw” situation, so it was not calm and constructive, I just told her everything all at once. She just became defensive and had no recognition; became defiant, not compassionate. Even over time she has not come to the realization of the things she said and did. She is as you and others describe here : self centered, self absorbed, manipulative, even narcissistic. I just recently tried again to discuss it and it really is no use. She simply does not see it. She doesn’t comprehend that it is about how she made (makes) me feel, whether she thinks she did anything wrong or not. She gaslights me( as you have described with your mother), she scapegoats me, she accepts zero responsibility. One would think as our mothers age they would look back over their lives and want to make amends for their mistakes.
Instead, my mother revises history to her advantage. I said to her recently that she has never once apologized to me for the things she has said and done and her response was “apologize for what?! Doing the best I could?!”. To which I pointed out examples and asked if that was her best. She does not hear.
I know that my sister and I say daily that we do not want to be like her in our old age. So, in a way maybe her example serves to keep us from that? I hope so. In your case, you have protected yourself by moving away and removing yourself from a toxic and abusive mother. I agree with others’ advice that you should definitely write the letter, but it is doubtful she would take any responsibility if you send it. You need closure , and once she is gone, I hope you are free. I hope this forum helps with your process. Take care.

Like others have said, write the letter for you. But then bury the letter with her. My greatest healing came when I realized that I didn't need my parents to acknowledge their abuse in raising me. I worked through it and healed and I was so happy that I did. My husband and I took my mother with alzheimer's in for her last 7 years. If I hadn't worked through my issues with her it would have never worked. I thought that I needed her to admit her part to heal, but found that my healing had nothing to do with her. I pray that you find freedom.

My daughters father, my ex, was a selfish, abusive, narcissistic person also and she suffered into her adulthood with it. He went on hospice at 64 and she had not seen him for years but had so much anger inside. She went to counseling before his death and was encouraged to write her letter which was 12 pages long. But not to mail it but to get it out of her system so she could begin to heal. This was such a blessing and made such a difference. She was not going to change who he was with any words because he knew who he was and died lonely without his only child being with him. The pain never goes away but it no longer controls you. Don’t expect you would get any satisfaction out of telling her who she is because she is already in denial and has been. Move on and enjoy your life because it is a gift and you don’t want to ruin it with hate because she is still controlling you then. You deserve more than that. Focus on your healing. We cannot pick our parents but I can tell you my daughter is a wonderful mother because she knows what kind of parent she does not want to be.

Hi,
You are not a horrible person and I think it would be very freeing to let her know how you feel towards her.
She will not acknowledge the letter or your feelings, so I hope you're not waiting for that, but certainly tell her.

And then be free of her.

Wishing you healing and peace.
Take care of yourself.

My mom also had NPD. It makes their dementia even more difficult to deal with. Mine used my father for the physical abuse and she did the triangulating, gaslighting, manipulating of her 5 kids. Only my eldest sister and I were abused. One sis was out on a pedestal and the youngest were ignored. Funny thing is right before she really lost it with dementia she had tried to rewrite history to exonerate herself from any part of my childhood abuse. She was almost physically violent in her insistence about it. The eldest sister died so I’m the only one standing who got the abuse. My experience is that a narcissist will never admit what they did or that it was wrong. They will always find a way to blame you. I do not believe peace can wait for an apology or admission from a narcissistic mother - I think we just need to let them go.

It will be therapeutic for you to write down in detail all of your thoughts and feelings about your mother, past and present. However, giving it to her now will not achieve what you would like or need. It's too late for that and you might actually regret doing it just before her passing. Why not just keep the letter until she has passed and then read it out loud whilst at her grave. Then just burn it and try to look forward to a more relaxed life ahead. How about some counselling to verbalise how you felt/feel. I have had lots of counselling to try and deal with my childhood and it does help to talk about it. X

Oh I feel for you and I understand your need, but hey listen, you really would be the better person if you didn’t do this.
Would it help if you made a decision not to visit her?
I think this would be just as effective and if you mother has got a narcissistic disorder, you’re never going to make her understand anyway.
Good luck, whatever decision you make, but I feel if you write this letter, when your mum dies you will beat yourself up, and that’s not good for you.

Write the letter and Burn it . Be the Bigger person . Seek therapy and Let Go of the Past . My Mom Passed 5 years ago . She had good and bad qualities but did Not like her children . Some people are not cut out to be Mothers . It is better to pray for her that she finds peace .

Hi. I can definitely relate. Though my situation was somewhat different, the sicological effects are as damaging. I have tried to express my feelings to my mom (96 with demencia). But, with no success. However, she appears to enjoy reading. I don't know how well she understands what she reads. But, your idea is GREAT! ... Not only does it give my mom an opportunity of redemption , It will give me the chance to ventilate my feelings well. Thank you for posting your experience and offering a great alternative to keeping bad feelings enclosed.

What kind of illness dose your mother have? I would move on. Bringing up the past just keeps it in your future, and you must let it go. She is 93 years old, and she might not remember what she did. I know how you're feeling its hard, but you have been living in the past for a long time and I think maybe you should get yourself some help. I'm not being mean I just know what the mind can do to. I hope you can find comfort in your life.

No. It does not make you a horrible person to want to do this.
What would such a letter accomplish at this point? You've made attempts over the years to broach the subject with your mother and those attempts were in vain. They ended with a fight. I come from an abusive backround myself. My mother was not physically abusive. That wasn't her way. People can often see physical abuse (cuts, bruises, etc...). She abused in more subtle ways. I have tried numerous times to talk to my mother about her abuse and I even put it in writing more than once to her. She will never admit fault. She has tried making some amends to me but will never admit any responsibility. Her behavior was because we were poor. Or because of my father divorced her. Or because she suffers from anxiety and depression.
Of course all that's a total crock of sh*t and only excuses.
Your mother will never admit responsibility for how she chose to treat you and your sister. She will not give either one of you the validation you both deserve. There won't be any closure for you. Writing her a letter about it will do no one any good.
Your mother is bound for eternity. Let her go to her grave in peace. Try to forgive. Not for her sake, but for yours.

it's like looking into a mirror reading your post. My mom is 88 and she lives with my 65 year old brother. I too thought about the letter and telling her my thoughts, etc etc but something is holding me back . Im thinking about reading it to her when she passes. (just a thought) for now. Your thoughts?

So sorry you are dealing with this. Having a mother who does not provide unconditional love and support to her children but instead gives them a daily toxic mix of criticism, belittlement, forms of verbal or physical abuse, tries to control them in a way that quashes their path to independence, sees her kids as extensions of herself or puppets to be commanded to perform in only certain ways whether this fits the label of narcissism is not relevant. What is relevant is, IT IS NOT the childhood you or any kid deserved. No mother is perfect, but some mothers are so damaged as individuals they are toxic to their offspring. I know, I had such a mother. And 64 years later, am still working through towards healing but it is not a smooth, linear or short process. My 85 YO mom is in a nursing home now (dementia and a host of other thing). I have had no contact for almost a year. Dad passed when I was 14 and I have no siblings. I am my mom's POA and health agent so some contact with the nursing home, Medicaid, etc., no direct contact w/her as that was the only path that worked for me.

Back to you. So, Yes write the letter, pour your heart out. Write several letters. Fill up a journal. But as others have suggested burn them or just do NOT send them. At this point your mother is who she is. THIS IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE. There will be no "ah ha" moment, no apology, no introspection, no change because she cannot change; much less see any of this. She has no insight into herself, no ability to see how her behavior impacted you or others, and likely has no empathy.

You might want to think about the loss of the mother you should have had but did NOT get that. This is a separate loss from her actual death, which in time will come. But that deep deep hole that was created by NOT having a mother who could provide the unconditional love, support and encouragement you needed as a child is a void that goes unfilled for a lifetime. Your mother -- especially at this late date -- can do nothing to fill that void now; this is something ONLY you can work on but it is very hard work and takes lot of time, self love, self care and coming to accept this reality of NOT having the mother you deserved.

Others have spoken of forgiveness, but I have a slightly different perspective on this in that forgiveness does NOT condone nor approve of what happened OR how you were treated; but more as a concept to accept the past as it was. It can be part of the hard work of letting it all go so one is not trapped hanging on to the past, how you were done wrong, replaying it over an over in your mind. Trust me it is the hardest thing ever, I am not fully there yet. But working towards letting it go -- maybe that is forgiveness? -- is the only way to move forward and that is something you have to do and it is NOT something your mother can do for you at this point as she cannot. It is too late for her, but you still have time to work through this.

A gifted therapist can be helpful to work through this and to NOT let your toxic upbringing control you and your relationships as you move forward. Some mothers are wonderful, but many are broken individuals who do terrible things to their kids. Praying for all who have had to go through this.

Write the letter, but do not send it. Your mother will not change at this point, and when people are at the end of their lives we should be trying to comfort them and help them transition peacefully. I'm very sorry that you had a traumatic childhood and that your mother did not give you the love and affection you needed as a child and which continues psychologically to this day. Seek counseling for yourself so that you can learn to accept that your mother was an imperfect human being, and was cruel to you. Appreciate the people in your life who you love and who return your love and are good to you. Be good to yourself and give yourself all of the nurturing you need that you didn't get from your mother.

I understand how you feel. My MIL was abusive to my husband for 25 years before DH’s father died. She pulled herself together for a little bit, because she needed help. She wanted to move in with us. The answer was no, because our daughter got the space and she is the priority. She was upset. I told her that the agreement was that her dog had to die first since it was not house trained. We have a dog aggressive dog (loves people- not other dogs) and her teacup yorkie would be breakfast, not that we want a pet that isn’t house trained.

We suggested Assisted Living here, but she was fixated on something like “The Enchanted Cottage.” I told her “no such place here that she could afford.

She had delusions and hallucinations from mental illness before but we weren’t aware how bad until FIL passed. She called the police so frequently they were going to take her in for evaluation. Through a lot of drama she is now in AL 3.5 hours from us and very angry/unhappy because she is no longer able to exercise her hoarder tendencies and abuse her loved ones.

I did write a letter to her about her treatment of her husband and son and she categorically denies that she did threaten to disinherit her son every time he was on the phone to his father (I heard it) or that she threatened her husband to the point he was so frightened that he couldn’t return home unless he found what she wanted or that she left him lieing on the floor for several days before calling 911, when he fell, when her great-nephew, the paramedic, confirmed it was the case. She sent a note to DH complaining about my horrible, unfounded letter. The sad thing is that he never reads her letters and throws them in recycling, because of her abuse. I read them for a check on her state of mind, which hasn’t changed, even with medication.

Your mother isn’t going to accept any responsibility for past actions, since there is something wrong in her brain. I suggest you take the advice of other commenters, and try for therapy. You could write the letter and then burn or shred it. The therapy would be a significant help to you.

Write the letter to express your thoughts. You will probably have to dig deep, but consider forgiving her and expressing that too. Forgiveness may free you more than you can imagine and it sounds like it is freedom you are looking for. Sounds like much of what she did to you may have been related to mental issues that impacted her thoughts and actions at the time. Whether or not you are able to express forgiveness, burn the letter in a manner that you feel will give you a sense of freedom from the burdens you have carried for so many years. You have no idea of the guilt and burden she may also be feeling as she considers the life she lived. Personally, I would be devastated if a letter of such personal nature were read by anyone other than the intended.

first off, I’m sorry you encountered such abuse at the hands of your mother. Although I u derstand the need to “confront” the abuser to assist with the healing process I am unsure in this instance at this stage of her life what the outcome would be for you. Write the letter, get it all out and then burn it but I am not a therapist.
have you been working through your healing process with a therapist? If so, what is the suggestion there? The letter is for you not your mom, so do it. As for your mom, what will change if she were to receive the letter? Nothing, you said yourself she would not understand or comprehend.
my suggestion is to seek therapeutic advice and healing. I’m not looking out for your mom but rather you….as this has been going on for a very long time.
Hugs and prayers that you find the healing you are seeking.

Write the letter, pour it all out, and then burn it. Your mother isn’t capable of understanding your anguish, you’ll have to accept that her “getting it” isn’t possible. I’m sorry you never had the mom you needed and wish you much healing and peace

I think things like that are only effective in face to face. You don't know if she'll get the letter, if it's intercepted by a worker, or if she'll even read it if it is handed to her. What good would it do now anyway. If she has dementia, or alzheimers, she won't remember any of it.

Don't become a slave of the past. You can't go back in time and change it. Leave you mother alone. Forget about confronting her or writing letters. She will never admit any wrongdoing. She will get upset and you will be devastated by guilt feeling afterwards. Let the old problems stay in the past. Keep moving like a grown up.

At this point the only person it will help by writing your letter is you. I'm with the others in that I think it's important to write it and get everything off your chest, but I would not have your mom read it or have it read to her.
And might I even suggest that as your writing it that you even take the time to write in it that you forgive her, as until you do, you will never be able to fully heal and move forward in your life, and live the life that God meant for you.
It's hard to forgive, this I know. I was sexually abused by my father for 11 years and my mother chose to ignore it, even though she knew it was going on.
After many years and after going to a support group for survivors of sexual abuse, I finally came to the point where I knew for my own healing and wellbeing that I was going to have to forgive them both. And because I live in NC and they lived in WI, I too wrote them a letter sharing how the abuse affected me, but also in it I let them know that I forgave them. And I truly did. I did mail them the letter( as they both were still alive then)and it was like a 50 lb. weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I could then start my real healing.
I hope that after you write the letter that you will seek some type of counseling as you've hung on to this for far too long. It's time to forgive(no you'll never forget)and start living and enjoying the life God has intended for you.
God bless you.

Don't use the commonly used expresión that your mother is "narcissistic". This is a waste basquet term that many people use to describe in a simplistic manner any difficult interpersonal relationship. If they are looking for a psychiatric diagnosis, "narcissistic" personality is only one of numerous features that troublesome people may have. There are psychopathic, borderline, schizoid, bipolar, cyclothymic, paranoid, dependent, passive-aggressive, schizophrenic, histrionic, compulsive, obsessive, addictive and more types of people that can cause interpersonal, problems. Many times, difficult people have combinations of these features. Going back to your original question, confronting your mother about the harm she caused to you, it will be a waste of time. Nothing will be gained. Turn the page of your past and only look at the future. The past can't be fixed. The future can be planned ahead.

I don't think you are horrible. Far from it.
I also agree with all others here that your Mother is/was too flawed for such a letter to make even a particle of a difference to either her or to you.
What concerns me is that you are reaching your own elder years unable to have had help to come to peace with the abuse you suffered as a child for the simple fact of being born to someone incapable, flawed, perhaps psychotic.
I am sad to think that you believe that there is some redemption, some "something" here to be gained with leveling your truth on someone now simply because she cannot fight back. I am sad you have continued to have any contact with her whatsoever. I am afraid you believe deep down that this is a last chance for an apology (that would do no good whatsoever) that will never happen. I am afraid that after saying you "piece" you will be feel remarkably unrewarded for it.
I would suggest you seek counseling help to put to rest with whatever rituals you choose the hope and belief that there is a way to go back and change that you were born to someone thusly so remarkably flawed. It is HER grief that she was unable to love her children.
There was a movie out there, old one, with Jean Tierney and Cornell Wilde, about an evil woman. Called "Leave her to Heaven". A wonderful film. Not knowing if you are a believer or not (I am not) I suggest that you "Leave her to Heaven". And begin the gratifying work toward peace in your heart.

Write your letter. Pour out your heart in that letter. Write as much as you want what she has done to you. As you write, envision you are telling this to her face. List everything she had done and how it affected you. When you are done, sign it and seal it in an envelope with her name on it then put it aside until the time comes when your mother has died. Then have it placed in her casket or burned with her cremation. Those words she will take with her and you should have your closure. Bereavement counseling could help with your closure.