How can I get my mother to get an evaluation and move into a nursing home without throwing a temper tantrum, kicking and screaming all of the way?

Suggest just going to visit...get a free lunch at one of these places and go sample the food. Have arranged ahead of time with the staff. They distract her, you leave. Her wishes must not be the primary consideration when the doctor has made it clear what must happen. You may have legal liability for failure to follow the orders. Plan it, do it, coordinate with the doctor and the intake specialist.

I had the social worker come to the house and mom just thought it was a nice lady coming over for a visit. I told her that the doctor wanted her to go to this nice hotel and stay awhile. I told her there would be activities and coffee and what ever else I thought she would like. I never referred to the nursing home as anything but a nice hotel with flowers and there would be dancing and fun. I put her things and clothes in her room before she went, so she wouldn't be wondering what I was doing on move in day. I just made it seem we were going on a drive to the nice hotel. My mom only lasted 2 months and then she passed. At first she asked about me and then I don't think she remembered being anywhere else. It was the hardest thing I had to do, when I realized I could no longer care for her safely. She passed 1 year ago this July and I miss my sweet mommy everyday!

How about medication for your mother. How about adult day care? How would you feel about being sent to a nursing home.

Sunshine, do not take him home. There has to be a longer term geropsych facility that would accept him, and you should not try to do the impossible. One person cannot indefinitely provide 24 x 7 x 365 care and that's the level he needs at this point.

How can a patient's transition from home to a skilled nursing facility be made easier when spouse can't make up mind and patient spouse does not want to go upon doctor's & professional's recommendation

Father needs to go into a nursing home. Mom can't make up her mind. Siblings think it is best as well as doctor. Father through a tantrum every time subject is brought up; the PRI was difficult to do because of father's attitude. What can this family do to make the transition easier.?

My husband is 81 and has dementia and he has no balance. I have taken care of him for 2 and 1/2 yrs. now . 24 /7 by myself. I am exhausted. He is now in a behavioral hospital which is short term. We are trying to find a nursing home which will take him in. No luick they don't want to be bothered with him because he has episodes where he raises his voice and gets agitated. He will upset the other patients. He totally depends on me to feed him, bathe him. change his Diapers and help him in and out of bed. I am totally exhausted and I guess he will be coming back home to me this week. Who ever said there is no Hell. I and he are living it every day.

My Mom is in the 2nd stage of Alzheimer's. She has always been meek and mild and now she has started hitting me when I attempt to keep her inside at night to prevent wandering. She has started talking non-stop and it has driven my husband to leave saying he can't take it anymore. He has been staying with his nephew for a week now. Now I am all alone in this with no brothers or sisters to relieve me of the stress and all relatives live out of state. I don't know where to start in order to get her into a nursing home pronto. An Elder lawyer charges $300 per hr just to talk to me which I can't afford as I can't work in order to take care of her 24/7. Please advise as I'm literally pulling my hair out over this.

My parents have been married for almost 74 years. He has dementia and my mother can't take care of him anymore. She is willing to go into independent living and have him in a memory care unit but not unless he agrees. She doesn't understand that he will not agree. The only way we will be able to get him there is to trick him. This is almost killing her and us, the kids. Any advice or reassurance that this will turn OK?

I haven't had the problem you report since my wife agrees to and accepts most of my suggestions about her care, but, a wonderful, kind and gentle aunt of mine was diagnosed with dementia then Alzheimer's and she became a risk to herself and my cousins; her caregivers.
My cousins had to prevail upon her doctor to have her put into a state mental hospital, which they said was surprisingly nice - clean, quiet and the staff took good care of her. She apparently calmed down quite a bit and after about a month, they were able to have her transfered to a "regular" nursing home.
She died 5 months ago but the family all assure me that she was happier after entering the state hospital and seemed to almost be her old self in the last facility.
I would suggest, if I may, that her Doctor explain to her that she must, for her own well-being, enter some facility for evaluation and care. Maybe her doctor, or even a new doctor if she'd accept one, would be better equipped to convince her.
I wish you all the best, I know what you're going through and whatever you do you'll probably never think you did the right thing but unfortunately there is, for most of us, no easy way to care for our terminally ill loved ones.

Unfortunately, very few willingly admits themselves into a NH. The majority of our residents come to us because they had a terrible fall at home which landed them in the hospital. The hospital releases them to the NH for rehab. When their Part A medicare is about to run out, the nursing home advises that the person is unfit to live at home after assessments and home evaluations. Then it's easy for you to keep her there after she's already been there for 3 months. It's crappy that something major has to happen first in order to get them in the door, when it all can be avoided if they weren't so dang stubborn. You are in plenty of company in your frustration.

Thanks for verifying the urinary infection problem. My wife has been really going off the deep end the last week. Her doctor did a urinalysis and found an infection. She's 78 so maybe there's an additional cause for dementia, etc. outbreaks/flairs. Started her on Cipro 250mg tonight - stay tuned.

We just had a horrible experience with a Nursing facility. The nurses are absolutely fabulous. The administration side is a nightmare, also totally agree with ombudsman experience. No question in my mind that they work for the nursing home, not for the best interest of the patient. I can't even go into all the problems they have left us to fix. We've been going thru this since January, we have 7 children involved, unfortunately, all but 2 live in different states. Thank the Good Lord Above it hasn't torn this family apart. Pray, Pray and Pray some more, pray for guidance, understanding and wisdom. Do not pray for patience, that comes with wisdom. Also, we've learned that Urinary Tract infections or really any infections can severely affect the mind of the elderly. So that's something to watch for. When my dad gets a UTI he is absolutely clueless!! Three times worse than usual. Glad I found this, you guys are a great comfort, it's nice to know you're not going thru something alone. Lots to consider now. Thanks. I'll be checking back in very soon.

Sometimes you have to trick your parents in order to get them the help that they need. I know it sounds terrible but if it works that's all that counts. Could you possibly tell your mom that her doctor has scheduled an appt and take her to the specialist instead??? I ended up being very lucky because my mom's doctor was also a geriatric specialist and he had his team evaluate my mom....She was not willing to enter an ALF so I had to admit her against her will which was a horrible experience for all but now she loves it there and is happier than she has been in many years................She now tells everyone that I found this home for her and luckily she has forgotten all about her not wanting to be there. I wish I had done this three years earlier but its a really hard thing to do.......

Yep, sure is hard getting the attention of some (most?) of the "professionals". Granted, I like most (I presume) caregivers am probably stressed out, impatient, short-on-time, etc. but shouldn't anyone who considers themselves a professional understand that and at least try to be considerate?
I have had many bad experiences with the day-care center where I managed to have my wife (dementia/Alzheimer's) enrolled.
They seem to listen, they make promises "I'll get back to you" and about half the time 2 - 3 weeks go by until either I call them and upset them or they finally actually do get back.
I've tried working through an Ombudsman (state agency) but they seemed to lean more towards making excuses or accepting mis-information (lies?) from the day-care center management.
Sorry for the negativity but - - - - - - that's been my experience.

Jay, dont feel bad about medicating, its a lifesaver! My Mom got so she didnt like any dr but her regular doctor, not the skin dr or a substitute so he is best to go to. I would call him and talk to him or better yet take time to think clearly and write a short "to the fact"- letter and fax it to the Dr. ENd it with "what can I do, I need help" and throw it in his lap. if he has been her dr for years, he owes you this much. I personally have had total sucess finally, with Depakote. It calms them right down and they stay on it. Some people take it all the time to control seizures, its not an antipsychotic medication. (no my mom doesnt have seizures) I think the dr can evaluate your Mom from a good letter and prescribe something to get her in there and if not, your stuck. Your Mom is so typical of a person with dementia. My mellow shy Mom started hitting ! She then cried , she knew something was wrong but didnt know what, its so sad and try to not take it personally, its like their brain is all off balance. An evaluation isnt all its cracked up to be, my moms neurologist only said "Hello" to her and asked ME everything ! I did that twice and then I just stayed with the primary regular dr mom liked. My Mom couldnt survive or go to daycare without depakote, your mom WILL be okay, she WILL, its takes TIME and patience getting her on the right dosages, think positive okay and write any time.
Luvmom

Hmmm. Another good idea luvmom. Do you think her dr. will prescribe that for her? I told him she is not sleeping and he is well aware of the situation and his reaction to everything was "have her evaluated" and he gave me the name and phone number of a hospital...on a sticky note...that's it. I don't believe he is going to be helpful with this whole situation. She loves this dr and has gone to him for years...he is non-commital in my opinion. Kinda passing the buck I think. Also, if I keep her home - I will have no choice but to have help come in for 8 hrs. a day (which she will hate) and I'm so leary of that as well. Not to mention the cost. I do know what you are saying about NH and medicating though and that breaks my heart too.

I agree, the best thing for her is to be home. I would call the Dr and explain the situation. He will probably prescribe xanax or something to get her in there. Once on the correct medication she can live at home. Nursing homes wont put up with it either, notice they are usually sitting, medicated. sad but true. good luck, been there!!

Thanx Lilli ~ That is an excellent idea (social worker to the home) and I might explore that. As for calming her, I'm the calm one for her. No clergy she is close to. Friends seem to stay away nowadays. Neighbors are a possibility though...hmm. You've really given me some good ideas. She refuses to have someone "a stranger" come into her house and I really don't blame her on that. I actually am the "respite" in this situation. My poor 24 yr old son lives with her and I relieve him every evening and weekends. Except this weekend - Its my wedding anniversary! Yeah! My son has been a blessing. He is the one who took her car key from her - I didn't have the guts. He is the one who said she cannot live alone. I knew it but didn't know what to do. He offered to move in 2.5 months ago and now he needs to get out. Its just too much for him and he feels bad about that...I always reassure him that I could not have come this far without him. Now I need to help my mother AND my son! STRESSFUL. Today is mom's 73rd B-Day and we will make it special. It will be bittersweet though because we have an idea of what birthdays to come will be like.... Thank you so much.

Jayne: My heart goes out to you at this stressful time in your life. I have written repeatedly in this forum about the lack of good alternatives for seniors in general but for Alz. patients in particular. I, too, have been told by the receptionist at Mom's GP's office to "take her to the ER" whenever she has a minor ailment even though she cannot get to the doctor's office because of her mobility problems. I finally started taking her to urgent care because there is no "hassle" - they just take her right in.
I understand that doctors and medical staff become overburdened and overworked, but for a caregiver to be met with flippancy and a lack of caring just adds to OUR burden. I get tired of being "reffered" to specialists etc....it is just a way of passing the buck.
Added to your dilemna is an uncooperative and confused parent. Have you asked the social worker if someone could visit in your home and evaluate your Mom? It might be less stressful that way. Is there a family member, friend, or clergy member who calms her and she responds well to? Even though you are doing what is best for her, sometimes the parent sees the caregiver as the "enemy" who wants to "put them away." Is it possible to have a paid caregiver, that specializes in Alz care, to come in temporarily to give you respite as you get this figured out?
I do not think that it is a good idea to take your Mom "kicking and screaming" into any situation. It will just add to the trauma for both of you.

Yep, that's probably what is going to happen. I originally took her to her dr. for her checkup. Dr. already knew her issues but now I really needed his help - but he just gave me a name and number of a place to have her evaluated even though he knew her problem of dementia. Well, that just set her off and she refuses to have the evaluation. So, after several phone calls and conversations with nursing homes, social workers at hosptials, etc. apparently the only inhumane way to get her to be evaluated now is to wait until she falls or worse (how assinine is that???) or take her to the ER. If she won't get in the car they told me to call 911! Can you believe that??!! I cannot believe there isn't a better way to take care of our elderly. So, in the next few weeks, I hope to catch her in a weak moment and convince her to let me have her "checked out" at the hospital. She knows things are not right, but she is so stubborn. Wandering, crying, OCD symptoms, depressed, not sleeping at nite. The social worker told me once I bring her into ER and explain those symptoms, the will admit her, evaluate her and then I can get her admitted to a nursing home. Truly not what I want for her or for me....but as you say, I have to do whats right for her...the right thing for right now. Thanx for listening.

How did your mother get you to the doctor when you didn't want to go? Did the kicking and screaming stop her from doing what she knew she had to? Did your tantrums when she made you take medicine stop her? No, because she knew it was for your good. Now it's your turn to do the right thing for her. A little kicking and screaming never killed anyone. Just ask any parent with little kids.