I've been taking care of mom with lung cancer and Parkinson's for 7 years. She says nasty things to me and rejects the help I try to offer. I feel so alone. What can I do?

The above answers are great-there comes a time when it is time to give in and place the person. I was going to a counsulor and told her others could not see what caring for my husband was do to me and how mean he was to me and no one offered to help and she told me I was waiting for someone to rescue me and it was not going to happen and when I made the decision to place everyone came out of the woodwork to agree after me going crazy for years thinking I had to take all that abuse. Call a nursing home and talk to their social worker and ask her how to start the medicaide process -Tomarrow and go to see different nursing home close to you-you can always change to a different one later on and let the social worker help you with the paperwork-her monies or lack of monies will be used not yours-if she has funds contact a lawyer to assist you -once you take action you will feel better. Also there is a thread called Grossed out-get on that many on that are going through the same as you and you will get support-even though my husband did pass away almost two years ago I am on it almost every day because of the friendships I made and am able to give others help along their journey of caregiving-plus we vent and cry and even laugh at time but mostly understand and support each other-it saved my sanity-my husband was as mean as a junkyard dog to me but nice to others.

I also took care of my 93 yr old Mother, it is the most difficult thing I ever did. Talk to a minister, God, a nurse, doctor to get help ....seek and u shall find, God bless.

I too cannot even imagine what you are going through. You really need to find a place for your mom. Think of it this way: you are so completely drained emotionally, mentally, and physically after these 7 years that you cannot give 100% to your mom anymore. You may find that you can have a better relationship with your mom if she is not living with you and you are not the fulltime caregiver.

SANDRA:

You're flying on a wing and a prayer, and I'm surprised the experts in this forum haven't said a word to you yet.

You can't -- and shouldn't -- be doing all this by yourself; and your Mom needs to be placed. So drop by Social Services as DMV suggested.

My heart goes out to you, but telling you "There, there; give you a pat in the back; and tell you 'I know what you're going through'" would be hypocritical because I have no clue what it feels like being in your shoes. ... No one, however, should have to endure your pain in silence. It's outright inhumane.

So get some help right now my love, and keep us posted.

-- Ed

Iknow what you are going through. I am caring for my Mom who has alzheimers and liver cancer. She gets so nasty If I don't give her liquid morphine every 5 minutes that she wants it. Please try contacting the Dept of elders affairs or council on aging inthe county in which you live. Good luck to you. Most of allstay strong and take care of you. Feel free to email me anytime you would like to talk.hugs to you SandraAnn

Iknow what you are going through. I am caring for my Mom who has alzheimers and liver cancer. She gets so nasty If I don't give her liquid morphine every 5 minutes that she wants it. Please try contacting the Dept of elders affairs or council on aging inthe county in which you live. Good luck to you. Most of allstay strong and take care of you. Feel free to email me anytime you would like to talk.hugs to you SandraAnn

Mimara's response is very eloquent. As I said in my previous response, I am going through the same thing (Lewy Body Dementia) with my wife. It's a terrible disease and it takes its toll on those of us who are caregivers. Understanding that it is the disease talking, not the person that has the disease, has given me the strength emotionally to weather this so far. I'm still greatly saddened watching the progression, but I'm not in a constant state of anger at my wife which has helped calm her quite a bit.

I sincerely hope you get some relief soon. Do look for and ask for help wherever you can get it. You are as much a victim of the disease as your Mom.

Hi Sandraann
I understand what you are going through. Parkinson's disease has a nasty acquaintance named LBD (Lewey Body Disease); it is a form of dementia.
Mother may accuse you endlessly of some of the most outrageous things; it isn't her, it's the disease. Yes, it hurts . Talk to her physician about it; my mom used to be like this,. but unless she is under an unusual high amount of stress (usually pain, infection or being in a strange place) she reacts much better these days. Medication, quiet, a repetitive schedule seem to help the most. Even when my mom hallucinates, I usually tell her the visions are not real or either I pretend to stop whatever she thinks is going on. When she is not hallucinating, she admits that most but not all of the accusations she made previously weren't real or to put it in her words, "she wasn;t in her right mind". Hang in there, and keep striving to get the help that you and your mom need. Hope things get better soon.

Hi sandraann. I am you. I have no husband, my daughter lives 1200 miles away, I was caregiver to my brother who lived with me 3 years and died of lymphoma. Just months later I have 2 parents to care for. Dad is in and out of consciousness with heart failure and mini-strokes, is in diapers and yet is aware of his horrible condition when he is awake. Mom has dementia - seems okay to others but has no short-term memory. She yells at me to stop watering the lawn because Dad just did it - or she just did it... this is what I get no matter what I do from shopping to cleaning the toilet. They are 94-95 and I know this is not them - and my inner voice won't let me abandon them. But my inner voice also says that I might just die right along with them because I am not a person anymore. The only advice that I can offer is to do something, anything, that is not related to their care even for an hour. Walk. Treadmill with music. Find a person to have dinner with - an acquaintance, anyone! - yes indeed friends split. Family turmoil is an excellent way to find out who your friends really are... and most can't bear the endless chaos and crises and sadness. Some flee immediately. Others just drift away. And I want to smack anyone who says that "things will get better." Right... after my parents die and I deal with all of the bills and clean-up and legal messes. And I will be too old to care. Bless you for doing what you know you have to. BUT do something to get away for even a short time. Otherwise you will not survive. Maybe antidepressants will help - Lord knows you are depressed. I am taking anti-depressants so I won't run over myself with my own car (that is somewhat of a joke) Hang in there. And know that you are in the company of many many good people who are walking the same path as you.

I agree with Helensw. You did to find some help. My suggestion is to find a GOOD nursing home. You have done all you can and have fought a good fight for 7 years. It is now time to let someone else take care of Mom. Caring for her is obviously now impacting you both mentally and most likely physically. Visit her often. But most importantly give yourself time to heal. Wishing you all the best.

I know what you are living with. My dad in his last days with lung cancer called me names (using horrible curse words) and asked me to do things like "tie his pajama ties to the light on the ceiling " and I thought "do what!!!" but he became very angry. So i pretended I did that for him and he asked had i done it, i said yes, and then he said "no you did not, you are not worth nothing, you never have been (using curse words) you can't do nothing, etc and called me a GDSOB which he would have never done, and it hurt BAD but I knew it was the cancer talking and not him as he never spoke to me or my mom and sisters EVER , in that way. My guess is it is not your mom talking or doing things to you , but the disease. Keep telling yourself, when it is all over, you will be glad you tried to help her all she would let you and forgive her, as one never knows when it will someday be you talking to your loved one in that way but it will really be a disease or whatever. I have forgiven my dad long time ago and I could only pray God would forgive him as he did not know what he was saying. My life is at rest about it and someday yours will be also if you will be forgiving of her, and only hate the disease itself.
May God help you.

On this sight we all understand. I am sorry you are doing it alone...alot of us are and it is VERY hard mentally and physcially. Just do the very best you can without jeopardizing your health. Call your local VA or your local nursing home today (right now) and ask them all kinds of questins..if there is no money or whatever the circumstance then they will get you headed in the right direction for the help you need. I am thinking of you dear and just do not think about what the future holds because I did that and I cannot handle that part, so you just have to handle it one second at a time. And do not try to argue with them, that only hurts you because trying to correct them is just a waste of time because they do not understand...so be easy on yourself and just let her say what she has to..You can leave the room and just tell her you are going to go get a drink or fix lunch, etc...When she does have her good moments, hold her hand and try to reassure her things are ok and sometimes you just have to go into their world..for instance if she says there is a man in the house, then just say you will see what he wants and then walk away...Do not wear yourself down thinking you have to correct or defend yourself...Just take care of you...Call any local agency today honey. I only make it one minute at a time...and then I do what I can....IT IS HARD...we care on this sight and we understand...Take care of you...Make that call today, even if you have to call 100 places to get your help...make the calls. Take care. I will be praying and thinking of you...You are not alone....but you must take care. Sometimes I feel like running away...it is all pretty normal feelings you are experiencing....JUST VERY TOUGH ON YOU I KNOW...

Please try and see if mom is eligible for any type of home care/or nursing home care. Your life and Your health is compromised from what you are going through without family or community support. Seven years is a long time and your efforts are not acknowledged, but condemned, because of your mom's illness. She may respond better to someone else, even if it is 4 hours a day that Medicare may be able to provide. You need a break, some distance, and find some type of community support or alternate caregiver to allow you time for yourself.
-H.

We're facing similar experiences with my wife who Has Lewy Body Dementia. She mostly gives my daughter a hard time but recently has accused me of sneaking out of the bedroom at night (when I'm actually going to the bathroom) to sleep with one of her hallucinations. She was furious at me for days and said she could not live with "that other woman" in the same bed as her or in the guest room. I just keep calmly reassuring her that the "other" woman is an hallucination and that I am married to her and that I love her a lot and then I hug her which calms her. Eventually she stopped accusing me and things are better with me. However my daughter gets more upset and angry with her which sometimes makes things worse.

I find that the calmer and more attentive I am with my wife, the better things are. It's the disease talking. I don't get angry because I accept the fact that this is all due to the disease and that keeps me calm as well. Calm, but sad. It truly is an awful disease. Hope this helps you a bit.

I am so sorry that you are doing this alone. many of us have to face this alone and it can be very overwelming. Sounds like your Mom may have dementia as well. The only thing I can offer is maybe get some outside help, if the funds are available, or call in social services to protect yourself from false accusations made by your mother. Wish I caould offer you more but you are not alone there are many of us in the same boat.