yellowfeever Asked June 2011

Is it wrong for me to pre-arrange mom’s funeral without my siblings input?

My siblings are non-exsistent in moms life and have been for a while. My brother used to help with mom sometimes before I came into the picture 2years ago. But his help was based on monetary gain from mom.He sucked her for almost what she was worth. My sister actually disassociated herself from mom 5years ago. She(sister) only came around once in a while to "visit" me never speaking more than a word or two to our mother. But crap hit the fan with us over a year ago and there hasn't been any contact from neither. I know they have heard through grapevine when mom was not well.Even now with mom on Hospice and I know her time is running out....NOTHING from them. We live in a small community so I know by now they know of moms worsening condition. My sister lives about 1-2miles away, and my brother is MIA, don't know where he is?? But I am sure not far, maybe at the nearest crack house. My sister has an adult son and an older teenager and there is no contact from them either. Years ago the only way I could get them grandkids here to see mom was to give them a few bucks. To me thats a bunch of crap.
When my father died about 6 years ago my sister being much older than me and brother ran the show talking mom into high-price everything. Which was above dads ins. policy amount. My sister was handed many cards at funeral with money donations for "our" famliy. But mom never seen a dime. My sister bragged to me that she made upwards of $600 off of it. When meanwhile, mom had to dish out the extra money that dads funeral costed, when that money should have went to our mother.
So I recently went and made pre-arrangements for mom. I did it on my own. I chose things mom would want even thought not my taste.But its moms wishes not mine.
Honestly, if it was up to me I'd rather them not attending the funeral when the time comes. I decided along with my husband that when mom leaves this earth, they can hear about it through the "grapevine" cause I am not contacting them directly.

Is this wrong of me to feel this way???

If they don't care that she is alive then why should they care when she is gone!!!
I thought I put aside this anger toward my worthless sibling. But now with mom slowly slipping away the angry is building again. My husband and I with our kids ARE moms family. And we will be the ones here to witness the end of her life fighting right beside her.

End of Life

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In the end, you'll likely feel better if you make one last effort to contact your siblings. You may want to do this through a family friend, or someone who can vouch for the fact that your tried. Then, go about your business doing what your mom would like done. I seems the best you can do given the situation.
It would be good if you could get some counseling for yourself to help you cope with the anger. This could destroy your health, and that's not fair to the people who love you.
The very best to you. You sound like a good person who has been through a lot.
Carol

Helpful Answer (1)

You have been through a lot and sadly the situation with your siblings is not uncommon in our society. You are absolutely right to make the arrangements for your mother's funeral especially given the fact that you have made arrangements based upon her personal wishes. This is what really matters...honoring her wishes. Regarding your siblings: there is no need to contact them to say that you have made these arrangements. They aren't involved so you do not need any input from them. However, I would recommend that you take the HIGH road re. communication upon your mother's passing. Pick up the phone and let them know she has passed...you and your family were there and what time and where the funeral will take place. Your anger is honest and frankly, you have every right to be angry, but I'm sure your mother would want them to know about her passing and from you. You have an opportunity to go to a higher place in this situation and if you can find a way to do that, your soul will suffer less and you will feel good (after time) that you did all you could for your mom. I feel for you and the pain and unnecessary suffering your siblings have put you through, but you must find a way to care for yourself. I wish you peace at the end of this journey.

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I agree that you should attempt to notify your siblings of your mothers passing and also her advanced condition. If you can do this by way of another party or a letter it may be easier for you. Above all I would maintain respect and dignity of your mother now and focus on her closure process. Take the high ground, years from now your siblings may have an awakening and you will be able to assure them that their mother died with dignity and compassionate care. Remind your mother these days of her successes and the positive impact she has had on your life. Although your siblings are acting like jerks your mother successfully brought them from infancy to adulthood and in that regard she has been the best mother she could have been. Let her die knowing she mattered, made a difference and most important that you will be okay. Be gentle with yourself you are doing a great job.

Helpful Answer (2)

You are not "wrong" to feel any way you feel. That you feel so much anger is not "wrong" in a moral sense, but in the long run you'd probably be happier to set the burden of anger aside. I agree with Carol that a few sessions with a counselor might be useful toward that end, for your own sake. Your sibs have behaved badly. That is not a burden you should have to carry.

About your own actions, I think it was perfectly appropriate for you to make prearrangements. That will be one less stress to deal with when the time comes. I don't see any reason to announce this to your sibs, any more than you tell them when you arrange medical appointments or shop for Mom's supplies. It is just part of your caregiving role, which they are not interested in.

When your mother dies, I think you should see that all relatives and her friends are notified. Perhaps you can do this by asking Aunt Sue or Cousin Jim to each call several others, including your sibs. If you know arrangements at the time of this notification you can include them. Otherwise you can say that there will be notice in tomorrow's local paper (if that is practical). If you must call your sibs yourself, DO NOT GET DRAWN INTO A DISCUSSION of how it should have been handled, etc. Make the announcement and excuse yourself so you can get on to the rest of your call list. Perhaps your husband could handle this with less likelihood of a scene.

You are doing a fine job. Best wishes to you.

Helpful Answer (2)

Doing the pre-arrangements so no one is spending other people's money for things that don't matter except to make them feel better was a good plan. And you have everyright to your mad feelings. BUT - take the high road. Do what you can to notify family. And if they show up at the funeral, criticize, and they try to make out how much they cared when they really didn't, don't be too suprised. People who know you and Mom and have been there will know better. More important - don't let your anger and resentment at their past failings eat you alive for the rest of your life!

Helpful Answer (2)

Yellowfeever - I was so glad to read that you and your husband are back together again and that you are working on custody arrangements of your children (from a previous marriage). I think it is good that, since you are the caregiver, you have gone ahead and pre-planned the funeral. It might be best to tell the siblings that you can contact that Mom is dying - then they can't fault you for not telling them (and blame you for not being able to do the things they would have done, had they only known [and all that baloney]). Don't give them an excuse to blame you. The same with telling them about the death and funeral. Be the one who does the "right thing" - you will always be glad that you did. If you don't tell them, they will blame you for EVERYTHING they didn't do. Don't give them that chance!! Once your mom is gone and her estate has been settled (whatever it is), if you don't want to be in contact with your siblings ever again, that will be your choice. But take the high road now so that you can stand proud at the end of this ordeal.

Helpful Answer (2)

faced this with my other siblings. we have a few close together and others off in another world no one knows. We tried to reach them so we could say we did try to contact in the end as mindingourelders said it would make you feel better to say you " DID " try and I also agree with the others about a few sessions to deal with it all. Just be 100% sure you are not the problem.

I have a sibling who always liked to claim to be the "ONE" doing everything for our parents and in the end she was the main one placing the distance we all had and still have in our relationships as a family and individual relations with each other and our parents.minus one now. For me it is to late, after my father passed last year I cut my mother and sister off completely. Mainly because they are cut from the same cloth " NASTY' ! But you may be able to save your relationship before you have to deal with this sort of thing at a very devastating time in your life.

Be wise and don't allow sibling rivalry to otherwise ruin an occasions where you will all want and need to be together for your mothers sake. You did say that you agreed with things your mom wanted even though you wouldn't have picked them... What would you mother want after she has passed? This is the question you really need to ask yourself. I really don't believe your mom would want her children having ill feeling with one another when your suppose to be honoring her life. If you have children put your self in your mothers shoes would you want your children there or feuding? she is also their mother to after all.

Helpful Answer (1)

Just speaking personally, I would want my children to get along during my lifetime. I don't care diddly what the five of them (and their spouses) do at my memorial service. Some of things that they do while I'll alive might be "for mother's sake" (thank you, kids) but after I'm dead I don't see how they can do anything for my sake.

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Some people simply cannot handle sickness, death, responsibility to family, etc. Do what you want to do for your Mom, what makes it easier for you. They don't want to help you and they don't visit, but I wouldn't take it personally. Lots of character traits are unevenly distributed in families. Another mystery of life to ponder.
You are a Good Daughter, Jamie:)
Love, Christina

Helpful Answer (1)

No, M1953, you are not in the identical same situation. Yes, you had some conflicts with sibs over caring for parents. Here we have oldest sister MAKING MONEY on her father's funeral by not turning cash gifts over to Mom. I say, it is not necessary to get these people involved in the prepaid funeral arrangements. It is just one of many duties that Yellowfeever has had to do that no one else is interested in. The funeral, yes, they should be told, even though she'd prefer not to see them. But the details of caregiving? Nope, no way. They have disqualified themselves from that communication service.

I'm sorry you have gone through the stress you did, M1953.

RG1232011, I don't think, under the circumstances, yellowfeever owes the sibs any explanation of what she has done. She had the responsibility by default, and she did her job. Yes, I agree the sibs should all be told about the funeral, whether yellowfever can tell them directly or arranges for someone else to do it.

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Is it wrong for me to pre-arrange mom’s funeral without my siblings input?

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