Got extremely depressed again. Mom passed back in April. Any advice?

I lost my brother and father within months of each other in 1992. My brother had AIDS and I was primary caregiver. It was a long drawn out painful death. It may not feel like it now, but it will get better. The first year is the worst. I am so sorry you are in so much pain.

my brother had also passed on in 1986

Let me assure you that there is a heaven. I know this.
My mother had stage 4 cancer and a couple months before she passed on, I asked her one day if she would do something for me.
Of course she said yes.
I asked her if she would somehow, someway let me know that my brother (her son) was ok after she passed on. She looked at me strange and said, sure.
She passed on a Saturday morning with me holding her hand. I was blessed that I was able to help her in her time of need.
The next evening, I was moving some cookbooks from the kitchen to make room for the food people were bringing in. I moved them to her bedroom and laid them on her bed. When I did that, a picture of my brother that I had never seen, fell onto the bed beside the cookbooks.
She always kept pictures in an album and was very adamant about this. She never had pictures hanging around the house or refrigerator, only in the albums.
I looked at his picture and looked, then, said, "Thank you Mom."

I love the description of your wedding and the things you are doing to honor those you've lost!! I am sure your doctor will remind you that most antidepressants take a few weeks to show effectiveness. Driving 30 minutes or even up to an hour is well spent driving time to go to a grief group. You could even listen to comforting books on cd or tape while driving. When I was able to work I drove 40 minutes each way. I am hoping to be accepted into a Clinical Trial to treat my FTD (dementia) in NY city which will involve taking a 4 hour train ride down there, spending the night in a cheap hotel and returning home the next day. This will happen once a week for several weeks. I will not be reimbursed for traveling expenses but if it can help me or others in the future get better it's worth it.
Best of luck!

Coolieslady13 Congrats to you on what will be a most memorable wedding! It appears to me that you are working towards getting better. In the long run no one can put a definitive number on grieving. When my mom died I felt as if I died too . I felt like a shell of my former self. So many angels professional and non professionals helped me find myself once again. But it wasn't until I decided that I " absorbed my mother's spirit " and had a responsibility to " live in her light" that I finally felt the love for life return to my spirit. Everyone has given u such wonderful advice and I know you will one day know love is eternal and your mother still lives in you. You are her legacy so " live in her light" as I am sure she would want u to do. Take how ever long it takes to find your peace because it really is an individual process. Be blessed and enjoy your wedding!

Griefshare - can call around to see if any churches in your area hold weekly meetings. They also have a website from where you can order their workbook and have an encouraging message sent to you via email daily.

Griefshare - call local churches around where you live to find out if they have any weekly meetings. Can also find them on their website and order their daily encouraging emails as well as their workbook.

Coolieslady, good news all around, especially on the change of meds! Sounds like the awesom-est wedding! Happy Thanksgiving!

All of you have given wonderful advice (as usual) but most of it doesn't work here. Let me explain. I live in a town with the whopping population amount of 468 people. Red River NM is an amazing tourist town high up in the mountains. About 20 minutes from the Colorado border in the central area at the elevation of 8750 we have a wonderful ski season in the winter and hiking, horseback riding, jeep tours 4 wheeling, etc in the summer. Our "winter" season has just started again this week so doing things like meeting a friend for coffee would be possible now as places are opening up again. A walk? Too cold & no fun in all the snow! The closest grief counseling is over an hour away. Tried to get one going for our town but no one interested in it. As for my future husband, since he lost his
dad 1 month after my Mom passed, has been very supportive. We both have. As far as postponing the wedding.....ain't gonna happen! Getting married at noon at the best bar in town with the town judge (also Rocky's boss) in his "old western clothes" will be presiding. Reception also at the bar. All of our friends who live and work here will be in & out on their breaks all day! Red River is only 1 mile long with Main St., High st., and River Rd. I am putting my Dad's (1990) drivers licence in my bra, will be wearing Moms (2014) wedding ring, and a dragon figurine of my stepdads (Dec 2012) is our wedding cake topper. Rocky picked the date of the 13th partly because that was my late husbands favorite number. He died on March 13th 2001. I know in my heart that they will all be there with us and that I will be OK. (On the medical front Doc is changing my antidepressant) And to terryjack1 my heart goes out to you for the sudden loss of your Mom. My FMLOA ran out & I lost my job of 8 years (Walmart) but I do now how blessed I was to be with Mom the lasts months of her life and even with as hard as it was I will treasure that time for the rest of my life! Hoping every one will have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Make a ceremony one for you, one for your mother. Plant a tree somewhere for your mom. For you, take all the worries, guilty thoughts, self doubts and write them on a piece of paper. That that paper outside and burn it, watch the bits float away, and as they float away let them float out of your heart and sole. Your mother would not want you to be burdened by them. Then start your new life.

Also, the death of a parent is a severe stress. Consider counseling. If you have a history of depression, consider medication if all these other steps are not helpful.

Dear Coolieslady13,
Yes I had this problem. Lost my mom 16 years ago; I miss her every single day. Did I feel like I didn't do enough, absolutely!, but I did what I could. You sure have a lot going on. When a friend said to me that "losing your mom sucks!!" it actually was helpful. It does and validation of that can is more helpful than people telling you to get over it or worse is having people avoid mentioning your mom or not offering condolences. I love when someone shares a memory about my mom. You don't have to get over it in a week or a month or a year. Time does help but you will still miss your mom. You must be heartbroken that she won't be at your wedding. Its hard not to beat yourself up and question yourself. "Could I have done more to comfort her, to help her, etc.?" Sure you could have given her one more ice chip in her final hours or rubbed her feet or whatever but you have to know she will always love you and be with you and knows you did what you could. I had a very difficult time losing my mom despite the support of my loving family, brothers, sisters, meds for depression, etc. A grief support group was very helpful for me. Time helps. Grieving is a real roller coaster ride; you laugh one minute and cry the next. You hear a song and something in it triggers those tears; you see a color, a flower, somebody's hairstyle, etc., etc., etc. and it reminds you of mom. But this is all part of the grieving process. There are some great short books about grieving that helped me a great deal including "Don't Take My Grief Away From Me" and "The Gift of Significance" both by Doug Manning. I also read several books about life after death as it was very important for me to know my mom still existed. I hope your fiancé is loving, understanding, validating and supportive. Some people just don't get it. Remember despite all the planning you can postpone the wedding if you need more time to be psychologically ready. Or you could just have very very close family and friends. You may want to honor your mom by having the officiant or someone close or yourself say a few words about her such as knowing she's smiling down on you as you join your life with another. You may want to wear something of hers or have a special flower in your bouquet or even if you put something of hers in your purse like a picture to help you know she's with you. I hope this is helpful.
Sending my heartfelt caring to you,
R

It is difficult when we become caregivers for our loved ones, and it's even more difficult when they pass. My mom has been gone for 10 years, it was sudden and unexpected so I didn't have that time with her to say goodbye. You were able to spend time with your mom in her last days-you have been blessed with that time. Each of us deals with loss differently. You need to find what works with you. I like to think that those that have passed before us are in a better place, they no longer have to suffer. While we miss them, death is part of the cycle of life. Every living thing is born or becomes living, life is lived then death comes to all living things. The cycle of life is the natural progression of life, and none live forever. We have our memories and because of those memories we carry our loved ones with us and they are never really truly gone because we carry them in our hearts. You have a wedding coming up, how exciting for you. Your mom can be there in spirit.
You have a whole new chapter in your life, enjoy it.. Your mom would surely want you to be happy and to live your life to the fullest. You need to recognize that you deserve happiness and you need to take time for yourself. It's the small things in life that makes it worth living. You are lucky to have found someone to love, hang onto that and live a long full life. Seek professional counseling if you think that will help you with your grief. You are not alone in your grief, many of us have also experienced it. Each of us does the best we can with the tools we have at any given time. The tools we have help us to cope with life. Join a support group, it helps to talk with others that are going through the same things you are. I hope you have a beautiful wedding and I like to think your mom will be smiling down upon you on your special day.

I don't have anything to add to these good tips for you but I do want to say that I believe what you are experiencing is perfectly normal and natural. My husband passed away from cancer over 7 years ago and until this year I had that kind of dreams. I think they are based out of longing and normal mourning. From time to time I would have dreams of being somewhere with him, begging him to come back but he'd always refuse. I would plead and promise him I'd do better but he'd just walk away, say no, or even say he couldn't.

Family and friends have reassured me I did everything that could have been done, but I'm sure it's just grief causing me doubt and upset. Time and talking about him with family and friends who loved him have been the best help for me. It's still very soon for you. Sounds like you did a beautiful job for your mother. Blessings to you.

Here is the link to the PTSD discussion. https://www.agingcare.com/questions/post-traumatic-stress-syndrome-for-caregivers-174420.htm?cpage=8

Do things you enjoy, go for coffee with a friend, go for a walk, find a nonprofit that is a cause you believe in to volunteer time, start slowly so the new activites don't become overwhelming. Find a grief support group and keep coming here to talk about your life.

Thank you, BrightBod. I wanted to tell you that I am a very positive, very appreciative and a very thankful type person, which is what prompted me to go see the Doctor. I guarantee you, I will reach my goal and I will not only enjoy life again!

Depression can make your life difficult to live. A few changes can go a long way.

There is some general advice to help you determine the healthy changes that need to be made. I hope you're glad that you took the time to read this article.

When faced with depression surround yourself with activities and things that you enjoy doing. This will take your mind off what is troubling you and help you focus on the positive things in life.

Make sure you are getting enough Vitamin B in your diet if you suffer from depression. Having a deficiency of Vitamin B can cause depression symptoms to act up. Foods like leafy greens, beans, eggs, and chicken have Vitamin B. Also, there are supplements that you can take that contain this vitamin.

You kinda seem to know what's making you depressed...maybe do something to change that to make yourself feel better. Get on an exercise program and take the bull by the horns.

Try to avoid "glass half empty" types of people. If you suffer from depression than it is likely that you already have a pessimistic outlook on life and by hanging out with other people like this, you will only feed into your own negative thoughts. Focus on finding people with high spirits.


Depression is often cyclical. This means that your highs and lows will start to come in waves. If you pay close attention, you may even be able to forecast when the next strong down will come. This can help you greatly as you will be capable of prepare yourself for what is to come.

If you are feeling depressed, there is no better way to combat those thoughts than to dance. This will get your body moving and get the blood flowing through your body and to your brain. Although when depressed exercise is not appealing, get up and force yourself to dance. Play happy uplifting music and stretch those muscle and move. Your body, soul, and mind will be happier for it.

One of the best things depressed people can do is to learn gratitude. Being thankful for the positive things that you have in your life, in comparison to those that are less fortunate, will make you appreciate what you have, instead of dwelling on the things that you don't have.

Even in the midst of a depressive episode, you can manage your level of activity and your life. Best of luck and love to you in reaching your goals. Truly hope you are able to start enjoying your life again.

So, what is the treatment plan for you? Therapy, meds? Are you happy to be getting married? I'm sorry for your loss and your continuted pain; please let us know how it goes!. Read the thread on PTSD in caregivers on this forum.