Anyone else experience grandchildren not visiting?

My dad used to complain that he didn't know his grandkids, but he lived 3,000 miles away and laid on the couch reading, never visiting any of us even once in thirty years though he and his wife had plenty of money and free time.

My mother lives near the grandkids and they do visit, but when she broke her shoulder or needs something done around the house not one of them shows up. Nobody ever misses Christmas when she gives them each a wad of cash. My brother and sister raised these kids, which is why they are the way they are.

There's a reason for everything...

I'm gonna put this out here, and I have said it before in a different thread. And I'm NOT saying this is about anyone participating in this thread, because I have no idea what your lives are like. So I say this as a general statement. 

I LOVED visiting my dad's mom. She was a gentle, loving, kind, and wonderful person who I adored. 

I HATED visiting my mom's dad. He was a bully. Even worse, the thing I REALLY couldn't stand about him, were his racist and homophobic attitudes. It was against everything I believed and everything I stood for. It was against everything my parents instilled in me, and I couldn't believe my mom was willing to put aside what she'd taught me and humour his intolerance.  Worse, he was talking about my friends, and when I was in my 20s, my partner at the time was indigenous, so you can imagine how I felt. I stopped even going for Christmas at that point.

Some people from the older generation are just hateful towards people who are different. Some older people aren't necessarily hateful, but they still hold attitudes that are racist, sexist, and/or homophobic, and they don't even realize it, either because it was acceptable to be that way in their day, or they don't really understand what racism, sexism, and homophobia are.  It's not acceptable anymore. I find the many of the millennial generation and "generation Z" have no tolerance for this kind of thing, and that should be okay. The world is changing, thank goodness, and they are there for it.

I also think, in the United States, this dissonance has become heightened by what's going on politically. You will find younger people cutting ties because of who and what their parents/grandparents support and/or vote for. They take it very seriously, and I don't blame them.  It's their future, not ours. 

This "old" post kind of hit home--
I just returned from a visit to 4 of my g-kids who live in the PNW. Mom is a dr., dad (my son) is an attorney. HUGE house. Waaaaay too many toys and things & money--gaming systems on all 3 levels of the house---kids are spoiled rotten.

We have to go visit them b/c they won't come back here (DIL has serious issues with her family). Only the oldest child even attempts to interact with us, but we have been more in her life than the rest of the kids'. Five minutes after we arrived last week, the oldest boy asked if he could have friends over--he was "bored".

By day 5, I was climbing the walls. The kids don't respect any authority, they do what they want, parents scream at them day and night, dog barks incessantly and nobody respects anybody, except mom, who needs her sleep.

I gave each of the kids a little souvenir from Disneyland, b/c they opted out of a family trip there. Just a small keychain with a Disney character on it, but nobody said "thanks" and I later found all 4 keychains, one had been chewed up by the dog, 2 were stuck on a shelf, forgotten and one was outside in the snow.

I love these kids, They know that. We just aren't close and never will be. After last Christmas when I sent a lot of lovely, personalized gifts and received not ONE thank you from ANYBODY..I decided that from now on, I will send them one small gift and that's it. I will send a birthday card with money in it. It is what it is. They pattern their behavior after their parents'. Their PARENTS don't respect us much and the kids take note.

On the other side of the spectrum, my other 10 grandkids are cuddly, snuggly, loving kids. They love to see me show up. They love to come here for sleepovers and parties. I am developing new relationships with the older "tweens" that are just delightful. I like to think we will always be close. But it will take work!

I was dear friends with my grandmothers and spent time with each of them every week, esp after I was married and had kids. I was not close to my mother, so these amazing women taught me how to be a mom and a woman.

The relationship has to go both ways...and it cannot be forced.

My grandkids are in that age range, too. I have had a very good relationship with them as they were growing up. They didn't get envelopes of money from me (there are 12 of them!) but they got taken to plays and holiday events. I had several parties a year with fun themes.

And now that I am a widow, do they call me or stop by? No. Hmmm. They sometimes include me in their activities (Gramma, we are doing Karaoke tonight. Want to join us?) And I do get invited when they host events. And if I ask for help, they are willing. But their main focus right now is establishing themselves as independent adults and building relationships with their own new families.

I think perhaps it is not realistic to expect more from our grandchildren than their stage in life supports.

And it probably isn't realistic to expect them to start new relationships with grandparents at this age if there wasn't a relationship all along.

My parents who are healthy and in their 70's are going through the same thing. It's the millenial generation I think. My brother's kids are too self-absorbed, they don't see the value in grandparents (my parents specificially) except for birthdays, Christmas and any occasion that involves a card filled with money. That's the only time my parents will hear from them.

But as for the other grandparents on the mother's side? oh they are the best. They HAVe a relationship with THEM. Why not our side? Why do we have to try so hard?

I don't blame them either generationally speaking, but at the very least, when you make plans to see your grandparents like my neice does, she will blatantly LIE to get out of it, and I will catch her in that lie ("Oh I'm sorry, Nanny, but I think I have the flu") but on social media she paints a different story.

WHY LIE??

It's extremely upsetting. My parents are livid at this point. They only come around for money. They do the same to me too. I was once very close to my niece but not anymore once I figured she just wanted to hang with me because she knew a card filled with money was coming.

But to outright LIE to avoid getting out of something? We've all done it, I'm sure, but to your grandparents? If you don't want to spend time with them, at the very least, don't try to make up a lie, that you'll get caught for.

Sorry, I must've been internalizing. But it's all still very relatable I'm sure.

I know it is difficult visiting my mom, who dozes through most of the visit and looks like a cast member from the walking dead, I know she is more aware than it appears but they probably miss the subtle signs. It was easier when she was still at home because she could be propped up nearby  in her wheelchair while the rest of us visited or shared a meal. Add in a long drive, all for a very brief visit... I do understand the reluctance. But still...

My cousin would take his son to visit our grandmother and she would tell the little boy that "nana is going to die soon" and she would do her signature fake cry. Freaked the little boy out and he would spend the rest of the night fussing over nana dying. I'd visit her and all she would do is badmouth others. Or talk about herself.

Visiting my father is not any better. All he can talk about is his bowel movements. My kids will call occasionally but he refuses to wear a hearing aid so talking on the phone is near impossible.

When the kids of their mother (my wife) don't come to visit or call very often how does that make the spouse feel? As their father, I have asked them to call their mother occasionally, but it happens only when the daughter the farest away calls and my wife told me just today - she can't recall anything our daughter and her talked about. BUT, she calls faithfully. Now, do we expect their kids to call? No, since their parents didn't set that example we can't change it. At least one of the granddaughters really seems to love and care about us for which we are very grateful. Another granddaughter who was given up for adoption REALLY loves us and wants to be part of our lives. At least me as grandpa. Grandmother has Vascular Dementia so she communicates with me and I love it. Communication is one way of showing love and care - please do all you can NOW so they will communicate later. Two of the grandkids lived in the same town for years as we, but the grandson doesn't really know who we are.

My children will not visit my parents unless I am with them & they are 16. They've never liked being alone with my parents. My Dad is of the old school, not very pleasant, controlling & likes to order people about. Also they have very little in common with them. My brothers 4 kids 11 - 22 rarely visit, they feel very uncomfortable with my parents, again nothing in common & my parents are very lacking in social skills. In contrast their other set of grandparents are so loving & warm & welcoming, I know who I'd prefer to visit. On top of all this my father is dying but he has only himself to blame for all but alienating my brother, me & the grandkids.

I can sympathize with this as the sole caregiver for my parents. Ive been watching this for 30 years with 3 grandchildren of my parents. My siblings wifes family is wealthy and never have time to stop in and say hello to our very old parents. Even though they take trips right by or are staying only an hour away they still dont stop in. They dont call and only once in a while do they get thank you for gifts and such. Our parents wernt wealthy so maybe visiting is boring for them as it isnt a large mansion by the ocean. All of their friends are wealthy as well. The "other" grandparents were also wealthy and only lived 30min away. The whole. lot of them are too busy... been too busy for 30 years. For years ive watched my parents anguish over not seeing their grandchildren despite me reaching out trying to bridge the gap. Now ive become furious at my sibling for doing nothing to try to remedy the situation. Its my siblings responsibility as it's his family.... Im furious because we weren't raised that way to be so self absorbed and disrespectful of our elders. He either doesnt care or wont go against the grain. When we were growing up you visited your grandparents it wasnt an optional thing. My parents are not unkind or loving people. Im ready to cut off all ties after they pass... im done with the lot of them. They are all worthless self absorbed people. Will never understand how family can be so oblivious disrespectful and uncaring. At this point i dont care what they think of me but I DO care what its done to our parents. It's going to bother me to the grave that they could care less about mom and dad. Wish I could let the anger go but I cant even with the realization it may be damaging my own health. There are a lot of things in life you dont want to or dont enjoy doing but you suck it up and do it anyway and stop making excuses that your too busy. I still hold out hope that they will not be too busy for our parents funerals and show some respect. Not betting on it.

Maintaining relationships is generally a two-way street.

This has been happening with my Mom. But, the phone call is nearly impossible. Her hearing is so bad...frankly it isn't talking with her...it is just letting her talk...no conversation.

The few times she insists on taking a call, afterward she asked me who it was. The caller had no idea what she was talking about either.

I cannot blame the grandkids for not calling.

At this point, I'd be happy if my siblings came to visit, let alone grand kids.

We used to have card parties and movie night once a month to encourage grand kids to come to Grandpa's and that worked for awhile when they were pre-teen but it relied on their parent's encouragement.

We take grandpa to the grand kids. The grand kids are very busy with their own lives and don't visit anyone else in the extended family but they come home occasionally for holidays. Grandpa is invited to join the family for the holiday dinner and the grand kids remind him who they are and help him join in. We are thinking of making name tags!

I wished I would have known my Grandparents much better. They were like strangers to me because we lived too far away to pop in for a visit. At least every summer my parents would drive out to the middle of no where to visit his parents. And for Thanksgiving or Christmas my parents would drive to visit her parents. In both places I was more interested with being with those cousins who were my age.

Rarely did we talk on the telephone. Back then, long distant calls were only for bad news and very expensive to call. Some used Western Union grams.

Then came career and marriage. Any time we would get off we would visit my parents and visit hubby's parents and all his siblings who all lived in the same State or just over the State line. That didn't leave any time for any long distant trips to visit the grandparents :(

Now I am learning more about the grandparents through all the photos that my late parents had left.

With today's technology, one could use the computer or smartphone to "see" each other... that is if the grandparent is able to use that technology. My sig other has young grandchildren, but he doesn't have the technology to do that kind of communication with them.

I am just beginning to experience this loss of grand kids visits. It surprised me at first and now it saddens me.Even a call or an e-mail would be welcome
Glo

I blame it on this sense of entitlement generation. it seems like everything is evaluated on a "what's in it for me" assessment
I find it hard to get my adult daughters involved with my disabled wife so I don't have any easy answers. They dont mind taking her shopping on occasion provided its a store they like and can throw in a few of their own items in the cart. It's sad to witness but I can attest that loyalty and sense of duty is lost even when it involves the parent so grandparent issues don't surprise me.

I'm 34 and lost my grandmother last week. She raised me as her own and always hid her aches n pains from everyone,, especially us the grandkids. I have 2 little ones of my own that loved her so much n for us to see her that way was too much to handle. Call me selfish but losing both of my wonderful PARENTS at 31 n 9 mos pregnant then again at 34 is difficult enough. She knew my pain n in her right mind she would have flipped knowing we had to watch her deteriorate the way she did. So in her honor my birth mother encouraged my brother n my kids to keep the visitS to a bare minimum out of RESPECT FOR what MY GRANDMOTHER THAT I LOVE N ALWAYS WILL WOULD have wanted. My grandparents dying days n the way my brother n I chose to go about them were for the better of all of the wonderful memories we will keep forever. The way she would have wanted it. I have NO regrets. I was there everyday on her better days with my kids so they cld only remember how wonderful she was. Also, I don't get how the actions of others would anger those who feel they are doing right by the ailing grandparent. N who can think or care about money when the loss of someone priceless is among us... I never even considered asking or expecting anything for personal gain. I was given the most priceless gifts of learning to raise my daughters and lessons for life of how to be a wife from the example of a 65 year marriage of old school Italians who loved each other till the end.

i spent 6 yrs with my mother . the only visitors were two grandsons . one would distract mom while the other stole money and pills . my son offered to dismember them and they never came back . aside from that there were virtually no visitors . thats why i couldnt sit thru the sham of mothers funeral with them . finally it was their day to grieve . i gathered up a couple of friends and moved home , my work was over , i didnt owe any of em anything .
people do get quite busy with their own lives in this rough economy though . i dont have any animosity towards any of them . the less they came around the less they bilked mom out of money .

My daughter has some problems visiting because it upsets her when Dad has no idea who any of us are, but she still comes by several times a month for a short visit ( we share the dog and she picks her up), and she spent the night Christmas eve.. She normally stays about an hour. I'm glad for even that! She does take the folks on a casino trip overnight once a year.. she is 26 so I applaud her for that too... and she pays for it.. but Dad can be a handful !

SusanA43, you are correct. My mom just passed this last Monday. She had a few out of 49 grand children and greats that called or came by once in a while with a couple making weekly calls and visits then I send messages of her heart attack and other illnesses that we were trying to get her home on Hospice and the calls etc. come out of the woodwork. I was polite but short with any that had made no effort. I'm just waiting now for them to start asking for items of moms...ugh!

Yep, it is hard to see adult grandchildren moving on in their lives, but not taking an interest in their grandparents. They get very busy, careers, homes, own families etc. There is nothing you can do about it, they are adults too. My adult children view their grandparents from afar, they ask about them, but don't visit. Oh well, all the best.

Yup, I'm there. I moved in with mom 2.5 years ago, and the grandkids have stopped by exactly ONCE to see Mom in all that time. Three of them work only 5 miles away, so it would be a simple matter to stop by and see her after work sometime, but they won't do it. I have *begged* them to bring their children by on Halloween to see her while in their costumes (a family tradition) - but they won't. They tell me they're coming and then don't. I makde up special treat bags for them, which get thrown out, because they don't show up.

But you better believe when she passes away, they'll all be right there at her bedside, making a good show of being the dutiful grandchildren, and they'll want their share of her possessions to remember her by.

Yes, Yellowstone it is heartbreaking to see grandchildren pull away from there grandparents. My mom's grand daughter who is her namesake has pretty much cut ties with both my mom and dad the last 6 years. Last time she saw her or spoke to her she was a little girl.. now she is graduating high school. They were so close when she was younger.. it breaks my heart to see her have no relationship at all with her.

My parents would send her gifts, emails, cards.. and no answer at all. My mom would be over the moon if she would so much as send her a card or return an email.

I remember how I was when I was that age with my grandparents.. they were everything to me. If I had the technology back then I would have been talking to them every day..but back then we looked forward to our once a week phone calls and visits.

I don't know.. its something I just don't understand..I see it breaking her heart though.. and mine too.

Try emailing or social media reminders two weeks before any holiday, with her complete address and phone numbers. So on February 1 "Don't forget to send grandma a Valentine! Her address is..."