My Mom lives in a mobile home and refuses to have an a/c installed. She's of sound mind but adamant. Advice?

On the issue of parents not listening to their daughters (or female relatives) but listening to men, I'm told by friends that children, young and adult can be the same way. Sometimes parents have their friends give children the advice they themselves would give if they weren't parents. Coming from Mom's or Dad's friend seems to mean more than from Mom or Dad themselves.

There's also still the attitude that men automatically know things in certain areas, such as fixing things, even though women are doing more of that kind of DIY work, and some even have handywoman businesses.

Attitudes change slowly (not that I'm excusing them). Sometimes it's actually amusing (but not too often for me!)

Caring4Mom, your words about threatening your mother with going back to the nursing home sounded very bad. First, it isn't good to threaten them with losing their present home. Second, it makes NHs sound like bad things or punishment. We don't want our elders to see them as anything but good things. If I mentioned a NH in this circumstance I would say something along the line, "We want to keep you comfortable and healthy so you can stay home longer." It is a positive way of presenting the same idea. It says you care about her, and it says the AC will help to keep her out of the NH for a while." Our statements can sound mean or caring depending on how we word them. We know that you are being caring having the unit put in. She needs to know the same thing.

Kind of like the scenes in Golden Girls where Dorothy would look at her mother and say "Shady Pines, Ma! Shady Pines!"

Don't feel like you have to have an answer to every question. You can probably save yourself a ton of nitpicking if you just say you don't know the details, but it was the one that fits in her window. The end. You can't get sucked into the quicksand if you don't step in it!

Once it gets put in, she will probably gripe about this or that, but ultimately it will help dehumidify and cool the air, and breathing will be easier. If it's anything like my mom, you'll know it's working because it will be easier to gripe and complain longer and louder. ;-) You can't do that when you're short of breath.

When the installer comes to her house next week, I will be at work and won't be able to be there. She is already questioning me about what kind of unit will be installed, where it will go, etc. It seems that whenever I threaten her with 'going back to nursing home' talk, she becomes more agitated and aggravated.

JessieBelle - I would literally have to structure certain conversations in advance of mom coming into them. All the men in her life were willing to play ball except one doctor who blamed me for her problems, because I should have stayed home to take care of her. I asked him exactly what year did he think it was because on my calendar it did not say 1802, but 2002. I have an aunt who also blames me, so I've learned to take it with a grain of salt. I did finally get that doctor on board to tell mom she needs to live near family who can help her. It was some progress.

My husband had crib notes I gave him for the conversation where he told her she was moving into a senior apartment, and would no longer live in her home. She did not argue with him once and was very compliant. With me.....the very opposite.

sandwich, I had to laugh when I read the thing about being on the bottom rung. It is so true when comes to many daughters and daughters born "in the day." My mother once thought we had a plumbing issue. I told her there was no problem, but we had to get my 14-year old nephew over here to look. He told her no problem and she believed him. So a 14-yo learning-challenged boy knew better than her 60-yo professor daughter. Some women can't get past that block when it comes to women being dumb. (I also think there may be a competition thing going on.)

I should have added that POA doesn't fix stubborn or cognitive decline.
Way too many people I talk to think it's a magic wand, and it's not.

POA lets you act as your mother's agent up to a point. It does not let you override her.

Guardian/Conservatorship does, but this is expensive, hard to get (as it should be), and comes with court reporting requirements. I am going to court 6/3 to gain guardian/conservatorship for my mother.

How to get POA? Well, it depends on if your mother can understand how it's good for her or not. She might have to hear this from a lawyer or somebody at the bank. My mom could only hear new information about legal things from one person at the bank she trusted. I could sit there and say the very same words, but since it came out of my face it was not credible and was probably going to take all her money away. Unbelievable but true.

The problem really has nothing to do with hot or cold rooms and comfort. It's about control.

Your mom knows she is not in total control anymore (somewhere deep down inside if not consciously). She's going to become Xena, Warrior Princess over the little things to retain a feeling of control.

If she has cognitive decline going on, no amount of reason or logic will win the day. It could be 250 degrees in that house and she would still not turn on the air and to heck with the caregivers' needs.

With my mom, I had to be Machiavellian to plan WHO could tell her certain things, to accomplish certain results. I am 44, but will always be an incompetent stupid 5 year old to my mom. My husband could tell her certain things because he is a man. Her doctor could tell her other things because he is a man and a doctor (bonus points!) Her older brother could tell her some things because he's her brother and a man. She basically would do the opposite of anything any female told her regardless of their profession or credentials. In the list of women qualified to tell her anything, I am on the bottom rung.

It's hard to do, but sometimes you have to let Humpty Dumpty fall off the wall so you can get in there and make necessary changes. With extreme heat, you can call the local police to go do a welfare check on her. You can call Adult Protection and explain you are worried about her because she won't allow you to put AC in.

Things like this require some creative or innovative approaches. As a last resort, you can play the "just get it done" card.

Caring4Mom, I understand your concern. Mobile homes can be like heat boxes on a hot day. I stayed in one for a while when I was doing field work. When I would come home, the heat would rush out as soon as I opened the door. It was like an oven, concentrating the heat inside.

How big is the home? Could a unit be installed in a room so it wouldn't be blowing on her when it is on? That way it would be available on days that got very warm. It is always better to prepare for those days than hope they won't come. Heat exhaustion can be very dangerous.

I just visited a friend today who lives in a log cabin.. she has a free standing unit in her kitchen.. sort of like the space heaters we all see ( and probably live with.. or at least my mom does..lol) It seems to work pretty well in the space, maybe this would be enough for the CGs?

Both of my grandmothers lived into their late 90s. Neither ever had air conditioning. Survived. Thrived, in fact.

It is the aides who probably need it most. Can they get by with fans for their shifts?

My Mom (94+) is in a NH. They run the AC for the sake of the staff, but the residents all go around in sweatshirts and cardigans. My mom has a blanket over her legs. I visit and she says, "Oh, you are going to catch your death of cold in those short sleeves.

Many old people are cold all the time and putting in AC would seem senseless to them.

Pick your battles.

Ya know, she's 92 for heavens sake. Getting a little hot in the summer may do less harm to her than the battle of the ac. You get just get it put in and hope for the best but hey....why not just get some fans, an ice maker for the Norge and leave her in peace. I've learned to pick my battlest with my elderly parents. The carpet looks like h*ll but it bothers me, not them so I quit harping about it.

Tell her the Dr says she has to have one for her health or move to a home. warn the Dr "just in case" LOL

If she has COPD or any kind of respiratory problems, tell her it's for her health. It's harder to breath in humid weather, just as it's harder to breath in thin air (such as mountain air).

New Paltz NY gets warm, but I think she will survive. Just open the windows.

You know they make air conditioners for casement windows, right? (I've owned one, and it worked fine) And you can actually install a regular window a/c unit in a casement window with a little ingenuity and carpentry (I've done it, and it works fine). Also, the hose on a portable unit doesn't stick out the window; it inserts into a panel that sits in the window frame, and it looks fine. The a/c units made for sliding windows are more expensive than a regular window a/c, but probably the same or cheaper than a portable. I've moved a lot and have tried out all these options at various times.

I agree with what the other posters said. Just do it. My bet is that she'll see it looks fine and the air feels oh so much better. I couldn't function (especially sleep) without air conditioning in the summer.

I know my mother, and I can bet that she will pay to have someone take it out of her window. She is stubborn and always wants to have things her way. I told my mom that I don't want to her any more of her complaining how hot it is in her house, and if she can't breathe, she can press life alert and she will go back to the hospital and nursing home. I have tried everything and bend over backwards to help my mom, but it always backfires on me. She yells and screams at me for almost anything she can find to pick on.

Get it. Install it. You pay for it. When aids arrive, they can turn it on. Tell her it's for the aids. Close your ears to her protests.