Coping with an eternal child: adult children of narcissistic and borderline personality parents as caregivers, how do you do it?

Hi, DailySuffering.
It seems like so many of us come here to get help. I have also visited other sites related to children of narcissistic parents. It helps, but here is where I have gotten the most support in addition to my family and friends.
My mother will be 91 in March, and I can say that although I hold firm to my boundaries, my mother continues to want to get out more. She is bored by the life she created. My patience is waning with the constant complaining, feigned illnesses and concerns, and things for me to do. I am more stern with her than I have ever been in my life, which is not my nature (raised by her to please people, namely her). God must know that's where it needed to go, because she has backed down, apologized (I can't remember that ever happening before), and has been better about not expecting more than I can give. At least for the moment.
What is your situation? How do you cope? It helps to hear what each other are doing to get through it all.
Blessings to all who are struggling with the issues related to caring for an elderly parent. Thank God we have the ability to reach out for help through this forum.

Though this thread is about a year old, I could copy and paste it as a new question/topic.
Pattiac and Mbmarc, if you are still here, you may be interested to know I checked twice to be sure it wasn't me that wrote your responses.
I'd love to hear an update on your situations. God bless you.. I know EXACTLY what you are going through. It's hell.

My deepest prayers is "NEVER" to be this way to my son. He and I talk about it all of the time and after 30 years we realize now that both my ex-husband's mother and mine were instrumental in our breakup and divorce. I'm not blaming them for our obvious actions, it is their influence that prevented us from learning how to relate and trust each other. My ex-MIL has NPD to and unfortunately for me, my ex was the only one of her 3 sons that she controlled. I didn't realize at the time that my mom with NPD was equally as controlling of me. I could see his mother's NPD behavior a lot clearer than I could see my own mother's. I am still getting over the shock of my awakening. My brother became aware sooner than I did and never allowed our mother to control him, but she completely controlled me until about 6 or 7 years ago. About 2 or 3 years before she had a mild stroke, I started pulling away from her and she felt it! She completely blamed the person that I was dating because she couldn't imagine that on my own, I didn't want to take care of her needs. She clearly has lost her sense of self and will not be accountable for her own behavior. It's always somebody else! I was living my own life for the first time and wasn't catering to her fears, complaints and insatiable neediness. The stroke was a convenient opportunity to pull me back in. Now, 4 yrs later she sees that it didn't work, she has shut down and has fallen further into depression. She is determined to have her way! The latest is because we aren't catering, she won't sit in the room with my brother or me. She won't eat anything that I cook and said that I cared about doing everything for everybody else. I am not falling into that guilt-trip! Things have gotten completely out of control because for the first time, I see her for who she really is. She is not what a lot of people think she is and what hurts the most is that she doesn't even respect me for having a mind of my own. Because she is my mother, I've allowed her to disrespect me as an adult. Its amazing how needy she is, yet she tries to make the people that she is most dependent on feel like they are worthless. I am not going to let her make me feel bad because I haven't done anything except let her run over me!

I love her, but I will no longer be her doormat! I will be there to take care of her "real" needs, but I will no longer cater to her narcissism!

Yes, FirePretty. Here is the first place I found when I googled several descriptors of what she was doing:

Your MIL sounds just like my mother. Everything, regardless of the topic, can be turned around to relate to her or a story about her. She's a know it all about nothing. God forbid, don't be sick, because no one can be as sick as she was/is. It's really sad, and I hope you and your husband can pull back from the control and manipulation. You owe it to yourselves. It's important to make sure she's safe and healthy, but not at the expense of yourselves and your family. I would invite my aunts or my husband's parents to live with us without question, but my mother would destroy any semblance of harmony within a few days of being here.

pattiac, What kinds of things did you research? Can you provide links or point me in the direction? Are there books I can get from the library? Did a particular website help you? This site is the only place I have found that is helpful...if only to get stuff off my chest.

BTW... my MIL is so manipulative and narcissistic, she would have found a way to turn a compliment to my husband into something about her. She prides herself in adopting him and all his accomplishments are hers...even when she was completely negligent in his up-bringing.

You also have to be prepared on occasion to simply walk out if it gets out of hand or you think you can't handle it anymore. Seems to work with my mom if she gets too demanding. By the time I'm in the next day, the 'ethel crisis' seems to have passed. Although she did manage to try and create another 'flying monkey' over there in the home last week. Don't think that got too far.

I have had to limit contact & the types of contact so that I would not be manipulated, guilted, shouted into submission. Counseling helped me see things more clearly.

You are right; a narcissist parent is never satisfied. Everything you give is never enough. You were/are never enough, and she/he will make that abundantly clear in disapproval that runs under the surface or is thrown in your face. It is stressful beyond comprehension to the average person. I agree that the narcissist parent grooms you to do her bidding so that this part of her life you'll be under her continued control, still searching for love and approval. Here are the things I've done that have really helped and lessened the burden:
Once I finally figured out what my mother was, I read a lot of research and learned tactics to pull myself back and set boundaries that work for me. I can't go no contact, so I have to protect myself from her by maintaining those boundaries. I also view it as protecting my family, because my mother has no right to rob me of the different life I've created and worked so hard to live.
I have a strong support system in my family, friends, and doctors who have been there when my mother destroys weddings, outings, you name it so she can gain and focus the attention on herself. I even meet privately with her doctor, because he's well aware of what she is like. We work together to do our best with her.
Even though it wreaks havoc on my mental and physical well being, I do my best to attend to her real needs instead of her imagined ones. Right now, she is trying to manipulate me into giving in to her, and I'm holding fast even though my stomach is in knots. She will lie, orchestrate, you name it to get her will, but I won't give her the result she wants, at least not to her knowledge. I'm the only game in town, since she refuses to take a cab, bus, or ask anyone else for transportation to shop yet another day.
I agree with her within reason, and let her talk her head off in every daily phone calls and outings, because the less attention drawn to me the better. You should have seen her face when my good friend recently told her in front of me that "You have such a wonderful daughter!" Dead silence - Not a word of reply!
Having a sense of humor and sense of self also helps.
My last word of advice is to research senior and assisted living options, and in home care for when your narcissist parent needs more care. Although she would jump at moving in with me, that is one threshold she will never cross no matter what. It has taken me years to learn how to value myself, my family and my peace of mind too much.