mom2mom Asked April 2017

Should Mom go to a facility that is close to home or to a better facility?

Mom has landed herself back in the hospital again with a UTI and likely sepsis. I am predicting a three day stay, which will lead to a 30 day stay in a rehab facility. They will most likely ask me where I would like Mom to go.

My choices are:

1) A facility about 5-10 minutes from my house. The care is adequate, but not spectacular. The décor is dreary, but the place is clean, food is horrible, really horrible, but mom doesn't eat anyway. Mom won't participate in any activities anyway, but the offerings are lame.

2) A facility 30-35 minutes away. I have not seen it, but I have heard good things.

On a website that rates rehab facilities and nursing homes, #1 has a 78% rating and #2 has a 90% rating.

If Mom goes to facility #1 I will visit her 5-6 days a week, usually short visits, but I have been known to stay longer or visit more than once a day. My kids will visit some.

If Mom goes to Facility #2, I will only visit her once, maybe twice a week because I have a 12 and 14 year old, work full-time and part-time as a Disney Travel Agent, hold a position on the HOA board and have a husband who travels a lot.

Either way, I will keep Carol, one of her caregivers, on the schedule for a few hours a day. Carol lives minutes from falicity #2.

So, would you put your mother in a lesser place but with more company or a better place with little company? As of right now, it would be for 30-40 days but I won't rule out that it could become permanent.

Rehabilitation Center

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First just *hugs*.
Hospice does not cover 24 hour care in home. Your Mom will pay out of pocket. Hospice provides durable med equip and meds at no cost to you. No more doc payment. The hospice med folks see her no copay. Hospice will come to your home. Her supplemental may cover part of caregivers but I'm not sure of her policy. Call and ask. If hospice offers help with anything say yes. Any help like volunteer sitter yes! Mattress yes! Anti anxiety yes! If there is a chaplain or social worker yes! Any materials for teens on transition yes! File for FMLA now. Take a breath and know we are all holding you in our arms as you take the steps. Your mom trusted you in this. You can do it.

Helpful Answer (7)

I think further comments & opinions about the original question can only be helpful to others, however I'd like to inform posters that the Mom2Mom's mother had sepsis that didn't respond to treatment, wasn't able to go into a facility for long (or maybe at all, I don't recall exactly), went on hospice care, and has passed away.

Many threads like this go on here on AC for years after the OP posted the question. I'm not trying to police the thread as much as I'm feeling sympathy for a member who lost their mother yesterday. ♡

Helpful Answer (7)

Take the better place and visit less often. We put mthr up in a memory care which has a great reputation for care, but is further. The other one is more expensive and beside a very fancy country club, so it's the "in" place to use but simply has too few employees to take care of all those seniors. Go for the better place and maintain your identity!

Helpful Answer (6)

Thank you. I spoke to the hospice person a little bit ago and they are providing me with a list of caregiving companies. I am wondering if I need 16 hours a day or 24 since, before the hospitalization, Mom was sleeping through the night. I know her funds will cover that.

Non filing for FMLA because I have no intention of burning my leave or taking leave without pay to care for her myself just so that my brothers can inherit more. Bitter? Yes. Of course, the doctor won't make any specific predictions and he cushions everything with "she could improve" but he is thinking weeks.

Helpful Answer (6)

Can't judge others about visiting. For me it is now my husband who has no idea who I am. I call to see how he is or if he needs anything. Once a week visit is all I can manage emotionally. When my mother was in assisted living I visited every day after work and helped bathe her etc. I was exhausted but she was unable to communicate, I was younger but it still took a toll on my health too. You just do what you can, no one should judge you.

Helpful Answer (5)

M2M, not burn leave but covering your behind if sudden crisis. You don't have to take it;) don't blame you a bit. If she can afford it I'd do 24 hrs. Leaves you able to organize all else and just be daughter. Take care.

Helpful Answer (5)

I'm kind of having to make a similar decision for my parents.. closer for me or a slightly better facility.

If I were you I would visit facility number 2 before making any decisions. Have a meal there and see what the ambiance is like. Would it make a difference for your mom?

I think I would choose the facility with the superior care and the less dreary facility... even if it were a little farther to drive. You have to think about yourself as well. would you want to go to a dreary facility every day?

Maybe if you have a superior facility you may only need to go twice a week or so?

Helpful Answer (4)

Put her where YOU feel most comfortable. Your mom will not care so much as long as she gets to see you and the kids. That's the best thing for her. Besides a 78% rating is pretty good as these things go. If she doesn't like the food then bring her a BurgerKing when you visit. My mom loves those things.☺

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Will you feel guilty about not visiting? Will you feel guilty for not having her in the better place? To me, the answer to those questions should help control your decision. If the place that is closer is not providing substandard care, than that is a perfectly reasonable choice. Don't go for "better" if you are to be guilt stricken by not visiting.

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Please, please choose #2. It will allow you to not think about her care 24/7. When you are questioning, the care, she would be getting this thought that will leave your mind. That will drive you crazy. I chose a nursing home 4 hours away. Why.....far better employees, food, activities and a happy group of residents. Residents feelings are very important. They reflect how the home treats them. Being surrounded by happy employees and residents your reduced visits will not be missed.

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Should Mom go to a facility that is close to home or to a better facility?

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