Need any advice about handling the chronic stress of dealing with dementia and elder parent issues for a long haul. Thanks.

Thanks so much everyone - going to try all of the wisdom! I do see that I need to do a variety of things and KEEP doing them, I get lazy/busy/stressed and backslide(pick yourself up, dust yourself off, start all over again).

I have been at this with my 92 year old dad for 4 years now. Luckily he does not live with us. He still lives on his own but hanging on by a shoestring some days. He has care that comes in every day. I started thinking back to the beginning. Mild cognitive impairment. Fast forward 4 years and we're in full blown dementia. He's angry, combative, forgetful, and just plain mean sometimes. I find myself thinking back to last year, the year before, reflecting on how he has changed. Things pop into my brain sometimes like this weekend. Was helping him get some of his tax stuff together. He used to be so particular, even a year ago. Anymore, he acts like he doesn't care. Kind of caught me by surprise. What appears to be to be happening is that his world is getting smaller and smaller. I picture this circle closing in and closing in. What's important to him is getting smaller and smaller, less and less. He has never been much of a multi tasker but now that's even worse. And I am finding more and more that he will be ranting and raving about something one day but if you let a few days go by, he has forgotten about that and is on to something else. So different than before. The one thing I absolutely have to work on this year (I say this EVERY new years) is to be more patient. I tend to get very, very frustrated and I just really need to work on that.

The thing that helped me the most with my mother was to take one day at a time. If I went to visit her at the facility and she was “with it”, it was a blessing. If she was not, I forced myself to not dwell on it. Understand that there are no “rules” or roadmaps for dementia. People who have it live inside their own brains. Trying to convince them people aren’t coming through the walls and there are no spy cameras in the light fixtures is fruitless. And always remember, you have the option of a facility. Self-sacrifice isn’t pretty. Don’t feel guilty about needing help from a therapist to understand this journey. Don’t feel guilty about anything. Don’t dwell in the past about how things “used to be” unless they’re the happiest of memories. Unfortunately those days are gone. Take your respite when you can and where you can, even if it’s just playing video games on your tablet while they nap.

Make sure all your ducks are in a row. Wills are drawn up. POAs or guardianships are in effect. If there is property, you have an attorney on board to help liquidate assets the easiest and legal way.

And always come back here often to let us know how it goes.

I also need advice on these issues!

Respite care - For myself, one thing saving my sanity is having mom go to my sister's for a few days every month. It is very helpful and recharges my batteries a bit. I get in some R & R and get some things done too. Mom is still fairly independent so I'm sure I'm just scratching the surface on stress level.

Good luck!