Back again, 89-yr-old Mom living with 90-yr-old Dad is coming home tomorrow from rehab after breaking her hip. Now what?

Get the folks at the rehab on the horn today to set up home health coming out Friday at the latest.

If your parents call with an "emergency" call 911.

Look, your parents have the means to fund their own care. YOU are not a retirement plan. You have your own family to care for and you are not a spring chicken (and neither is your sister).

You need to say "I can't possibly do that".

Severe osteoporosis, not good. I’m sorry but regardless of where she goes, she is very fragile. Would your dad be willing to move with her?

Depending on how advanced the dementia is, you might discuss with her that she is 89. She might like to live to 100 but chances are she won’t.
She will more than likely live longer in ALF because she would be in an environment where she would be less likely to accidently harm herself and be better able to live pain free longer. Her mind is strong (therapeutic fib) but she has physical limitations that have to be considered.
If that seems too far afield then, yes, you probably have to wait for the fall.
Hopefully, you will arrange for her to continue to have therapy once she comes home.
But remember that you and sister need to be watchful that you don’t wear yourself too thin too soon.
Please, please set boundaries. Hire help. Don’t bring her home and start doing housework and running foolish errands. MANAGE her care. Don’t provide it. You have to pace yourself. Decide before she comes home the amount of time you will contribute. She’s had someone waiting on her 24/7 in the rehab. Why would she think she needs ALF if you provide all the help.
Good luck.

"Manage her care...don't provide it".

Please, Abby. Remember this.

Your parents are financially comfortable and can hire help. Help them find an agency.

Do not become your mom's personal servant.

Carefully consider the answers here, Abby. DO NOT allow yourself and your sister to become your parents' stepandfetchits.

Good for you, Abby!

We have a longtime poster here, Frequent Flyer. Her parents went to look at an AL ( because she couldn't do the home upkeep for them anymore). Parents said " maybe when we're old" ( they were 95 at the time)

The mom fell, hit her head, major brain bleed. She died. The dad then happily moved to IL and then memory care.

Sometimes, all you can do is wait.

Keep in touch. We care!

Safety, comfort, contentment. You actually have (sort of) four choices.

You can choose to place her her and her spouse in the nicest AL you can find.

You can allow her to return to the life she was living before she fell, to fend for herself with her spouse’s help.

You can bring her home with full time live in help.

You can bring her home and plan to be her full time care giver.

The decision making? BRUTAL. But as painful as it is, when you consider her medical status and your father’s willingness to accompany her AND her medical provider’s input, the decision seems a bit clearer.

Of course, SHE REFUSES. EVERYONE with dementia refuses, because of the dreadful and undeniable effects of dementia. And while it is tragic in every case, her “refusal” however poignant, is the LAST consideration to be using to decide what can be done to help these dear people to a life that is “safe - comfortable - content”.

So, Abby. She's not dealing with a full deck of cards, is she?

Do you have medical POA? I think not.

As damaged she is, it's your mom and dad's right to make poor decisions. And it's your right to say "no, that's a really stupid choice mom. Why have you saved for a rainy day if you're not going to use it to fund your care?".

Get the money question out in the open.

When we realized my mom needed facilty care and that it would cost 5k per month, my mom said " oh, I can't afford that". Fortunately my sil the MBA said " don't be silly. Of COURSE you can afford that".

You need to be very tough here, Abby. You need to let both of your parents know that you're not signing up for this gig.

Let her drive dad crazy. Make HIM want to move to AL. Move him there.

Mom will be alone and she'll need to make a choice. Home alone or AL with Dad.

Abby, don't see this as YOU needing to step in. Make it inevitable.

She refuses to go to AL, which is understandable. I had two aunts who gladly went to AL before they 'needed' to, because they didn't want to be a burden to their families. My mother totally freaked out when I took her to AL, and I felt like a complete failure as a person and daughter, and yet, I had no other choice. My mom was in the AL apartment less than one day when she had to be moved to Memory Care, because that was really the stage she was in. The story is long, of course.

Back to your mom, refusing. Can you say to her, "we (her daughters) are not capable of providing the care you need now? We don't have the skills necessary to care for you on a 24 hour basis. Please let's consider AL so that you have what you need, we can continue working, etc, and we will enjoy our visits with you on a regular basis."

I know this is very difficult and perhaps seems impossible, but you cannot give up your life for someone else, even a parent.

HI- My sister and I faced a similar situation with our parents. After firing 10 (yes, 10) home health aides-we had no choice but to help them move into an AL apartment. My mother expected my 88yr old Dad with Parkinsons Disease to help her and manage his own medications. (Was not happening) Year and a half later, they have been separated due to my mother's continuing fighting with everyone-my father, the nurses, the aides, my sister and now, me. There is no one left. She has demanded a night aide, in addition to living on the concierge floor-which is kind of a joke. If I told you how much it costs--oh my goodness!! But still the little tyrant makes constant demands and driving us all crazy. My piece of advice-as the others mentioned above, manage their care, get them in a safe and comfortable environment and go and visit once a week. Maybe then Mom will acclimate and find some others to complain to-I mean --talk to. I never thought our lives would turn out like this--theirs or ours. My mother expects me to be at her beck and call and actually told me that if I didn't have to worry about HIM (my husband of 37 years) I would have alot more time to care for her. What a peach! Don't let her go back home alone-something will eventually happen that will necessitate their going into AL. A good AL facility will work with you-I think they exist mostly for the daughters and sons who stress about doing the right thing for their sadly diminished parents. Good luck. Be strong. this is tough.