Dealing with toxic siblings; Do I have the right to forbid my sister from my property if Dad paid for his in-law apartment?

I'm so agreeing with Margaret. Frankly, I'm not seeing how you're forced to have people on your property that you don't want. After all, the main concern seems to be that you not restrict your father's access to his daughter. To me, you just want reasonable protection on your property. He can go with her off your property.

If you do fear that you could be in trouble for restricting your sister on your property--because she acts as caregiver, I also agree with others above in developing a contract that restricts her days of the week and time on property and allows for recording. Please see an attorney to protect you and to protect your father at the same time. All of you can sign it.

If the law is the same where you are (and it probably is), you own the land underneath your house and your father’s apartment. Your father’s apartment might belong to him legally if it is ‘movable’, ie he could have it picked up and moved. If it is a ‘fixture’ then it goes with the land which you own. So legally the access land to the apartment, plus the apartment itself if it is a fixture, are yours and you can forbid your sister’s access.

However the law stops when you consider the other issues. I’m not sure that your father has a ‘right’ to see his daughter wherever he wants, but it certainly isn’t a good look if you try to separate them. There are several options. Could your father make a regular arrangement to meet her somewhere else – perhaps at the shopping centre where she is going to do his shopping, for a coffee while he waits? Could you make a time in the week when she will come, so that you don't feel as though you have an open house and no privacy? Would her behaviour improve if you put in the cameras or sound recording as suggested by our techie friend, so that you can tolerate it better. Could you put a simple catch on the connecting door, and only hook it when you need to separate the sides -it will look better than locking them out. It would probably be worth trying a simple option first, before going as far as forbidding the whole property to sister and other people. If you have to get more ‘aggressive’ later, showing that you have done your best will be in your favour. Even if you think the options won't work, you need to protect yourself against actions (eg calling APS) that could be even more hurtful.

My Hub's sister is exactly like you described. She has severe mental problems. Ironic, as her Dad, my F-I-L is a doctor and has never tried to get her help. Instead he indulges her every whim.

I truly fear what is going to happen when he is no longer around and she will be looking to her siblings for assistance. She is not stable and despises me. I may need a restraining order one day. Hopefully not.

I have no real advise but just wanted to say I hear you and you have my deepest sympathy.

But as Countrymouse said, if your Dad wants to see her, you can't stop him.

If Dad has his own exit/entrance than tell family to use it. Are you at work where you don't know when they are coming?

Does Dad need to get into your section because you share a kitchen. If so, can you get him a little frig and microwave? You could find or have a cabinet made that would hold the frig, the microwave on top and a cabinet underneath to keep snacks and stuff. Then you can lock off your area when your not there and when you are home.

Just a heads up, Dad paying for the addition could cause a problem if he ever needs Medicaid. Medicaid considers it an improvement on your house so its a gift. He could be penalized for it.

I’m absolutely NOT ignoring the issue. I’m trying to figure out a way to co-exist without having my heart and soul ripped apart. My home is the one place I can go for peace, love and tranquility. Now, my toxic siblings have the run of it. My husband resents a brother stealing from us, that brother also leaves abusive vm because he wants money and my sister’s constant manipulation and verbal abuse towards my Dad for money. I feel trapped. I don’t have to answer the phone but not sure how to handle keeping my side of the house safe and secure. Right now, everyone has free rein. Maybe I need to put in a lock? He’s got a separate exit but feel like I’d be locking him out too. 😢

You have a legal right to restrict who is on your property and in your home; however, as long as your father is competent he has a right to see and communicate with all his children. Restricting your sister's access to your father at your home may push these visits outside the home. Your father may be hiring your sister to run his errands so he gets an opportunity to see her, thinking he would never see her if she wasn't getting some money.

When you father becomes incompetent the POA may need to protect your father from your sister.

I would encourage you to negotiate an agreement with your father that restricts the time and number of visits your sister makes and makes some provision for supervision of her visits by cameras, voice recordings, or another disinterested party. Create a written contract and get your sister to sign it before her next visit with your father.

I found an agreement signed by my estranged sibling that set basic ground rules (including being cooperative and respectful to everyone during visits) along with his agreement to be recorded very helpful. With consent to be recorded you can use the recordings with APS or in court to prove your sister's conduct (no more she said-she said). When he called APS after being denied access to my father for a week (per the agreement), I was able to show the recording to APS and justify why my sibling was being censored.

It's difficult to find a balance between a sibling that behaves badly (often our parents agree with this characterization) and aging parents who still want contact with their children, even as it risks their own physical, emotional, and financial health. You need to respect your father's choice of companions but that doesn't mean you need to take abuse from them either.

I feel for you. If she is no threat to your dad, then I guess somehow you will have to find a way to deal with it. Not easy.

You are ignoring the only issue that matters: your father has a right to see his daughter. This would be true wherever he were living and whoever paid for it.

If you can't stand the sight of her, ask someone else to supervise her visit. If you're genuinely concerned that her behaviour towards your father will distress him, or involve some other kind of risk, then address that separately. But your dislike of her, however well founded, is not a risk to him.