Caregiving burn out, any advice?

I hope that you will consider placement now. I do not feel that you should give up your life to your mother, and I think that you have arrived at the end of what you are capable of doing. Tell your mother this with all kindness. Do know that her doctor, the hospital, the hospital social workers, everyone out there will attempt to guilt you into doing this. You are going to have to be very strong, because they will all be full of promises about how they "can help you" and about how "we will make this work" and etc. You have to make this not an option. Next admission it is as simple as telling MD and Social Worker on DAY ONE that you will not be taking your mother back home. That you have known that you cannot do this anymore for a long time. That you are at the end of your rope mentally and continuing to try to do this could end them all up with your suicide on their collective conscience. Explain to them that you have tried and that you will NOT now be taking your mother back home. As I said, they will do anything, say anything and try anything to get you to continue care. You must be strong enough to stand for yourself now. Explain to your Mom ahead of time how it will be, tell her that you together must write up what she wants now in terms of full care, palliative care, hospice, or whatever. That would be little help to your mother. You are not a Saint and you do not deserve to be Martyred. You have done all you can. That is all any of us can do. Many have been there before you. I myself have seen my brother into assisted living. He is 85 and I am 76; I know full well I cannot care for him; so does he. Is that sad? Yes, that is sad. Life is full of sad things and loss. We all do the best we can. Please do not beat yourself up.

Welcome back. I don’t think you are “approaching” the time to put her in a facility, I think you’ve arrived at your destination. I was “lucky” with my husband. Two weeks ago, his blood pressure took a nosedive and he was 9-1-1ed to the ER. We managed to keep him there for the 3 days admittance required by Medicare. He was then sent to rehab for therapy for his immobility. I expect he will be gone for 2 months. This actually was orchestrated by my husband’s doctor. I am getting some much deserved and appreciated respite from 24/7 caregiving. I do everything for him but feed him.

Start the process to place your mother now. Apply for Medicaid if necessary. Get POA if you don’t already have it. Start touring facilities. Speak with her doctors for a referral stating that she needs more care than you can provide. Turn your feelings of hopelessness into being proactive about changing your situation. Good luck. Come back and tell you how you’re doing.

I"m afraid I don't have good advice - I am in a similar boat, and haven't found a good solution myself.

But wanted to say, you don't come across as harsh at all -- you come across as tired and worn out from this, and that's real and ok. Keep coming back here when you get time, and soak up the encouragement of everyone's stories and advice. You said it yourself, we know how much we can take. And honestly, it seems like once we say we are at the end of our rope . . . . . we were really at the end of our rope some time ago.


{{{hugs}}} to you, it's hard, and lonely, and you are not imagining that at all!!

You are caring for your Mum, who lives with you.

You are caring for your Mum, who lives at XXX Hall/Home/Manor.

Still caring, just differently. A new chapter.

Less physical hands-on caring but eventually, once the burnout subsides, a cheerful loving daughter to be a very welcome visitor. And steps towards your own life plans for yourself.

You've ready for this new path. All the best.

After many falls and trips to the hospital, the last rehab was not successful. He has had dementia and Parkinson's for several years. It was reccommended he stay for long term care because I couldnt care for him at home anymore. With Medicaid it became possible.I'm living a nightmare. Alone during the day, fretting, unmotivated and sad. Going to visit him is excruciating. His moods are angry to violent, paranoid to abusive language. Guilt is not a good enough word for how I feel. I don't want to be with him and I don't want to be without him. He's not only losing his memory but his mind too. No amount of support, coaching, or therapy can make me feel ok. I won't be ok again.

I have been taking care of my mom for 20 years; the last 5 were harrowing requiring around the clock supervision and at the very end stages of Alzheimer's. A simple cold turns into major infection and she's in the Emergency Room almost monthly now. I dread everyday. yes your whole life will be on hold. Your only other option is a nursing home and I think it's the best thing to do. Taking care of my mom for so many years means sacrificing myself for her. That is exactly what I have done.

But note the stress does not end with nursing homes. You have to visit and very often, preferably daily. They still will fall, and they can easily get infection from other patients. However, if you are unable to manage her bowels and bladder, which it will become (my mom forgot how to bear down. I have to use enemas otherwise she will get impacted), you are better off putting her in a nursing home. However, nursing homes do not always keep tabs when their last bowel movement was...or they can get c. diff and superbugs from the other patients. Happens a lot in institutionalized care.

Hospitals and nursing homes are very dangerous places. If your mom is still cognizant in any way, all you will hear is she will want to go home. You will have to live with a lot of guilt.

Thank you so much!!:) Very true that I have landed into the destination. I read my post over & may come off a little harsh but extremely overwhelmed. I have no family help and it really has all became way to much on me. Finally, I realize how much Im doing and all Im giving up, to do it! Glad u are getting much deserved & needed time off!!:) I really need a "real" break too. Praying I get one soon. I love my mom but it feels like the stress of it all has consumed me and now horribly affecting important realationship in my life. Thanks again😘

This is an excellent site which helped me over the last two years.  My husband just passed following 8 years with Alzheimer's.  He was almost 82 years.  I am 78 and was able to care for him at home until the last 7 days when he was in Hospice.  I was preparing to bring him home when I was told I could no longer care for him safely at home as he was failing.  I have not posted before and really don't have the energy to do so now but wanted to thank everyone for sharing their insights and experiences.  God Bless all the dedicated family member caregivers as well as the caring, responsible professionals.  I had an angel on my shoulder working overtime, guiding me through this difficult journey.  Educating yourself, communicating with family and drs, and being proactive is necessary.
JLJMT

I feel for you Justme44. I have a Mother and a older brother living with us for the past 5 yrs. and I feel the same way you do. I do have alittle more freedom than you but it gets old in a hurry having others in your home that take all your time and attention. I want my freedom back too ! Unfortunately mine are both healthy and will probably live for along time still. I love them don't get me wrong. Just miss the way it used to be. I will pray for your situation to resolve itself and soon.
Blessings for being a good daughter !!!

Placement is not a decision you should make alone, especially if your mother is still able to make her own decisions. I've learned from this site the importance of setting up POA and advance directives. Nobody said you have to be the only caregiver for your mom so please get some help. The hospital social worker may have some suggestions.