MIL (93) went to Assisted Living in April. Usually very easy going but lately gets into ”rages” especially re: her possessions. Any advice?

When she gets ugly it is okay for you to say, "I will talk to you later when you have calmed down. "

If she doesn't have any dementia than setting boundaries with her is completely acceptable and I don't understand why people don't do it. What allows her to have the authority to climb your frame and tear you apart and you just take it. You wouldn't let a bratty child do it, why would you allow a bratty senior to do it?

Enough, please don't talk to me that way! Then you hang up if it continues.

Of course she is scared and confused and in a new environment with lung cancer but not all of her cherished stuff. She is probably angry and you should help her deal with her emotions instead of barfing them all over you. Get her a therapist or a friendly visitor that can help her adjust to her new reality.

Does sound as if there may be dementia.
I had a terrible time with bad temper and behavior from my Father. Although he is in care facility it was terrible and upsetting. The doctor for the care home said he did not have dementia although agreed odd behavior. He took a stroke in January and was admitted to hospital. They did a brain scan. Found he had brain damage from 2 previous strokes. Areas affected caused the odd behavior. Once I knew this have found it easier to accept situation.
I just either agree. Say you are possibly right or I am not sure. This answers most and I feel much calmer. On his really bad days I suddenly remember an appointment or have to meet someone and leave. Takes a lot of practise but gets easier. Good luck

Hello LucilletIn1 and welcome :)

I'm sorry you and the family and your MIL are going through this rough time. "Teething troubles," I hope, but all the same painful enough while they last.

Just a bit of background - so your mother moved in to her ALF only 2-3 months ago. Is the ALF in Georgia or New Jersey?

I'm glad that the family was able to work together on this, and I'm sure you did make the right decision not to attempt to care for her at home if it wasn't something you were confident and happy about taking on. Good for you for not rushing into it, and for not doing it in spite of your reservations! Many people fall into that pit.

So, anyway, here we are and MIL is not a happy bunny. First thing to say is - it is early days. She'll need time.

Second: what is she getting so upset about? It doesn't have to make sense, but what are her main grievances?

Third: you say she has some short term memory loss but no dementia. Your profile also mentions cancer, is that correct? What would you say are her main health issues?

Sorry for all the questions, but the better we understand the better our chances of suggesting anything useful.

I agree that your MIL is in the middle of a difficult adjustment period and that can be difficult. She may also be experiencing a loss of control over her life, the loss of the independence she had prior to moving to the ALF. This too can be very difficult.

Give the situation some time, your MIL's moods may even out. There's not much you can do to facilitate the adjustment process, she just has to go through it. But you can try to help her feel as if she has more control over her life. Give her choices whenever you can, "Mom, do you want to come to dinner on Saturday or Sunday?" Or, "Should I pick you up at 9:30 a.m. or would you like a little more time to get ready?" Look for opportunities that give your MIL choices and if she decides she doesn't want to do something, allow her that for now. Help her regain some control back over her life.

Short term memory loss is a sign of Dementia. Everything you posted sounds like a form of Dementia. Like said, her rages could be caused by a UTI. I would ask the RN on staff if they can test her.

If the facility can't test her, then get her to a doctor. UTIs are serious in the elderly. If Its a UTI, problem solved. If not, Mom needs a good physical. Labs especially.

I agree that UTI testing would be a good idea. When MIL gets really crazy, paranoid and argumentative in her thinking and behavior, especially if it seem to come on suddenly - it almost always is a UTI.

My mother is 94, we hire in home caregivers for her, after a week she fires them as they are stealing from her. Same story, over and over again. I would say that your MIL needs another assessment, sounds like dementia.

Be strong my friend.
Double whammy is right, it is the lack of control most of the time. My Mom is still in her home with my Dad. They have 24/7 care. I do everything for them: grocery shopping, clothes shopping, paying their providers and their bills, doctor appts, meds.
At first it was difficult for her. She was in a rage everyday for months then she was better. Yep, that rage was directed at me. I'm evil and she lets everyone know it.
Something would trigger the fact that she was not in control and then here we go again.
It rattles my nerves sometimes, more than others times but That's the way it is. OUR NORMAL HAS BECAME DYSFUNCTIONAL. THAT'S OUR "NEW NORMAL".

It's a road we didn't ever expect but it's a road I know I don't walk alone. Many like me are on it with me and that makes me keep going.

BE STRONG MY FRIEND.

Just do your best to be gentle.

She he has suffered a lot of change and loss. Hear her out, agree with her, ask her follow-up questions to show her you are listening.

When she insults or screams, try to remain calm. Yelling (even yelling back) at the elderly is akin to yelling at a child.

My little aunt (92) has been a little out of sorts lately. She fired her weekday caregiver and hired her back immediately. She’s been turning the AC off. Sleeping in her recliner instead of going to bed. Refused a bath from a substitute bather!
So I called her HH nurse and requested a UTI check. Sure enough. She has an infection.
Get your MIL checked ASAP. Of course no one wants her to have a UTI but it’s a relief to have a reason for the acting out that you feel like you can actually do something about.
I know it’s not easy but try not to take anything personal.