I am 69. Mom has access to shuttle sevice at the senior assisted living facility she is in but she refuses to use it. There is a beauty shop in the facility she refuses to go due to "privacy issues" she doesn't want anyone to know her business so due to psoraisis her hair has fallen out. Her podiatrist comes to the facility free for paid services but she refuses to only see him at his office. Am I expected to travel 2 hours to take her to doctor appointments that are less than an hour away from where she leaves? I combine trips so that I do more errands at one time. My problem is the commute travel is at least two hours going and coming during the week if not more so I end up doing 5 hour turnaround so I can't get much done. I suggested relocating to another state so another adult child can assist her but she refuses. She doesn't like the assisted living facility she is living in but it is rated the best in her area and the least expensive. I moved her the first time from her home but I am not willing to move her again. It was a chore. My brother lives in the state and comes to see her twice a year on mother's day and her birthday. He stays two days and he is gone. I am resentful that he does not help at all with her care. We have a conference call every week but talking and leaving me to pay her bills, make her business calls, be the liaison person at the facility makes me feel used and taken advantage of because I live closer. He then insists to have his daughter on our weekly calls to our mother and this daughter has to pass by my Mother's home to go home from her daily job and Rarely offers to stop and bring or see what she can do to help. My mother has the resources but she fails to utilize services as needed agency to help her so she suffers because I limit my trips. What can I do to help myself?
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As far as the granddaughter is concerned, even though her dad is not setting a good example, you can maybe set up a spa date with her and Grams, like getting a pedicure together then out to dinner (pd for by you or Grams). Explain to Gdaughter how grateful you and Grams are for her help and company, etc. I've done this for my 2 aunties in FL with their neighbors and everyone gets blessed.
Also, can she get amazon prime deliveries where she lives? For what you'd pay in gas you can have items delivered to her (including non-perishable groceries) for the cost of the annual fee.
I do think 2 hrs away is pretty far to have anyone's parent but I get that there may not be any good places nearby. So it's a tradeoff and you need to keep explaining this politely to her. Cut back your visits to once a month or every 2 months but give her a date when she can anticipate your visit. It doesn't mean you don't love her. It's just reality. Again, she may adjust to her new home...just give it time
Visit when necessary for Doctor visits and other than that weekly or biweekly would be plenty.
If she wants to get out she can take the bus, she can start to go to the beauty parlor where she is or you can tell her that you could take her next time you are there.
It does not sound like she is "suffering", she may not like it, she may want things another way but that is not "suffering".
I bet there were plenty of times when you wanted to do something and she did not drop everything and take you where you wanted to go or get you what you wanted. And you survived.
I suppose you could throw grand daughter "under the bus" and next conference call say...Oh, Susie why don't you take grandma to the beauty shop on Saturday I bet she would love to spend some time with you"...."On the way home can you stop at Walmart and help her get a few things she needs?"
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Don't bother being resentful re your brother. You can't make him do more. You can only do what you think is best.
You have to limit your trips. That's a long day. Is your mom holding out for you to do everything and that's why she's not getting other help?? Maybe you need to back off more, for a week or two, so that she will HAVE to use the services at the AL?
How long has she been there? If you do too much, she might never get used to the "new" place. She may not like it there, but that's OK. It is probably the best that can be done and she's going to have to come to terms with it. You can try to come up with some pat answers to her complaints and demands so that you don't get too frustrated.