Is there a way to get my mother to stop being verbally mean all the time?

There is no way. My mother fits that bill too. She is jealous and mean to all women, she was especially to me, her only daughter. She used and abused me, until I walked away. I will no longer be her punching bag.

OK - your mom is getting daily care in a facility. You are available to the administration of the facility should an emergency occur?  Then why on earth would you subject yourself to her abuse?  I would feel no obligation to put up with that.  You basic obligations to keep her safe are being met.  Can I suggest having as little contact with her as possible? Frankly, I don't understand the value of visiting someone who has been abusive to you your whole life.

Keldob,
Your visits with mom, sound familiar! My last visit with my mom shook me so bad I haven’t visited in couple of weeks. I was basically told what a rotten daughter I was, and accused of putting her in A/L to take over her finances for my own pleasure. As if that wasn’t bad enough she started attacking my physical appearance. After dealing with this for an hour I left shook to my core.

That visit did open my eyes that my mom as I knew her is no more. I realize that her manner is brought on by her disease dementia

Although mom has had socialization problems with other residents, I seem to be a trigger for her, with
acting out during and after my visits. I plan to visit with her this weekend, the first sign of ill behavior I’m out, and from here forth I will leave when visits turn into attack mode. I will love mom through this process, but I will not have my mental health be victimized by it.

We have a woman who comes to visit her mother all the time at the Memory Care community I work at as a receptionist. Mother is allowed out to the reception area, unfortunately, so I get to witness her abrasive and obnoxious behavior all the time. When the daughter comes in, right away mother is verbally attacking her. Yesterday, she grabbed the daughters stomach and proclaimed in a loud voice HOW FAT she's gotten. She's not overweight at all, and even if she was, that's a filthy thing to say! The daughter brought her ice cream, mother says OH YOU ARE ONLY TRYING TO MAKE ME FAT. She brings her a new watch, and OH IT HURTS. After 5 minutes, I feel like strangling mother with my bare hands. But daughter keeps taking the abuse, coming back for more. If it were me, dementia or not, I'd say Mother I'm Leaving Now Since You Are Obviously In A Foul Mood. See You Next Week.

As far as I know, there is no way to stop your mother from being verbally abusive to you. Except to say Mother I'm Leaving Now Since You Are Obviously in a Foul Mood. She may eventually catch on, especially if she'd like you to stay longer than 5 minutes.

And if not, you've only subjected yourself to the verbal abuse for 5 minutes.

Best of luck!

Go in as someone else. Ask about her food and what she did that day.

First of all, I am so sorry that you are going through this pain with your mom. It’s heartbreaking and stressful.

The sentence that jumped off the page for me that is an important statement is that your mom has ‘always’ been this way. That is telling. It isn’t out of character for her.

How did you handle this behavior in the past? Has she been manipulative if you stand up to her? Does she ever apologize for any outburst? Are there situations that cause her to be on edge and she is taking out her frustration on you?

There are so many variables that come into play regarding behavior.

What is her medical situation? Does she have dementia and is delusional or a personality disorder? If she does can you speak to her physician about ways to treat it? Others on the forum are more qualified to speak on dementia than I am but I sincerely hope things get better for you soon.

If you feel you need a break from your mom, take a break.

Has she been seen by a geriatric psychiatrist? Sometimes folks with this sort of mental illness can be helped by antidepressant, mood stabilizers and/pr anti-anxiety meds.

If you visit or call and she becomes abusive, get up and leave. You have no need to endure this.