PowerOf3 Asked November 2019

Oh no, holidays are coming and my godfather ruins them for everyone. He has no one else, I’m already dreading Thanksgiving and Xmas. Help?

Recap: 91 yrs old, recovered from knee replacement and subsequent MRSA and sepsis. Still no diagnosis of dementia or onset, lives alone and he’s back volunteering 40 hrs a week at VA hospital and his weekly bus trip to gamble (not an addiction but a pastime he can afford and enjoys greatly) I see a difference in his behavior/personality but it’s chalked up as age appropriate so far.
Last year was THE WORST so I’m really dreading this year. I have 1 son and my girlfriend has 1 daughter so we spend holidays together because our families are out of town or estranged. I always invite him over, take him with us, but he’s been wrecking it. Last Christmas I was sick, had very little money but still managed. Cooked Italian food for 3 days, Christmas morning I’m wrapping the few presents and packing everything up and called told him I’d be later than noon to pick him up. (My friend was hosting since she decorated and I didn’t cuz I was sick mid December so I did food) she knew he preferred white meat so she spent her food stamps and cooked all day Xmas eve so he had a completely different meal to cater to his preference, NOT a dietary need. He started calling me at 12:15 every 15 minutes with snarky messages. I just couldn’t wrap, finish cooking, shower, and pack up everything fast enough for him! Upon our arrival when I saw she cooked an entire day/meal I told him how wonderful and how special he is treated and he just sat there pouting that he had waited for me to pick him up. We put on sports channel got him situated on couch and proceeded to get dinner together, 2 different dinners. He bitched, pouted, and was so rude and unappreciative I was so embarrassed, ashamed of him and angry I couldn’t see straight. I couldn’t get him fed, throw presents at our children and leave her home fast enough. He offered no gifts or even cash or cards to our children, he always carries over $500 on him, he has plenty of money and he’s completely mobile. SHE SPENT HER KIDS FOOD STAMPS JUST TO FEED THE MAN!!!!!
I’m dreading both Thanksgiving and Christmas and that’s not fair when he would otherwise sit home alone instead of being catered to, fed, and a pile of presents knee high (we try so hard to pull off holidays with meager means but we do it every time). I thought about fibbing that we’d be spending Xmas out of state with family, it seems so mean though. Do I let him ruin both holidays again or let him sit home alone?

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I vote for canceling the holidays this year and letting the old fart fend for himself 100%. He can easily go hang out at the VA hospital or ride the bus to go gamble, which he enjoys so much. Betcha dollars to donuts he doesn't treat THOSE people like the garbage he treats his own family. Let THEM deal with him, you've done enough.

ENJOY the holidays this year, you deserve to!

Helpful Answer (19)

You’re always a realistic, and I’ve decided it’s best for ME to not spend Christmas with him in exchange he can eat here for thanksgiving (seated strategically of course) is facing the wall rude? HAHAHAAAA

(5)

Why are you catering to this man? My former step dad decided he was going to watch hockey playoffs on my aunt's TV at a surprise party for me.

1 He did not even ask if he could turn on their TV.
2 He was incredibly rude about it. Said he wanted to watch the game.

I told him he was either turning off the TV or leaving. I was not putting up with his behaviour. He reluctantly turned off the TV.

You tell your godfather that based on his behaviour last year, he is not invited to spend the holidays with you. Period.

I do not understand why someone who is on food stamps would put their children's nutrition after that of a man who can afford to go to the casino?

Helpful Answer (17)

she and I have done most holidays in the past, she is a bleeding heart and was sharing the holiday spirit and it was out of the kindness. She didn’t know I did not approve and saw I was ashamed of his lack of regard. I’m sparing everyone Xmas this year!

(5)

I, too, often feel I give advice then can't look at my own problems with any kind of dispassion.

HE SPITS FOOD ON YOUR PLATE????????? WTH?? This would last ONE meal at my house and he'd be history.

So what if it's his last Christmas? I'm praying it's my MIL's last one. You know what she gave all the adults for a gift last year? A $100 bill in an envelope. You know what she gave me? NOTHING. An empty envelope.

Pretty much sums up our relationship. Dh was there when I opened it, and a neighbor, so I had WITNESSES.

Tell this old junker you will be unavailable over the holidays, blacklist his number and enjoy being with people you care about. (You know, just because he calls, you don't have to answer. Just sayin')

Helpful Answer (14)

🙁Been there. Its so embarrassing. My SIL was about 15 yrs younger than me so thart may be the problem. She was always nice to me but there was something "off". Over a period of time, my family was kind of "forgotten". One Xmas, after my Dad died, we drove Mom over for Xmas dinner. Mom had been showing signs of Dementia. She and DH were in the family rm watching a ball game. I was in the kitchen with the ladies and my SIL started passing out gifts. A purse to her Stepmom, giftcard to her Dad, something to her best friend, sister and great niece and nephew. Nope, nothing to me, not even a box of candy. Her SM was a nice lady and just gave me a look like sympathetic and couldn't believe it. I never understood what I or my family never did to deserve this. They r now divorced so don't have to worry about it.

(5)

As someone who determines eligibility for food stamps I can tell you it is inappropriate (illegal) to use them for anyone other than the people on the food stamp case....so it's also not appropriate to complain that someone didn't appreciate this effort to use the children's food money on them.
With all the complaints about the guest, don't invite him this year.

Helpful Answer (14)

Ok I didn’t see that coming! Thank you, and I reimbursed her as well!

(4)

Sometimes we allow ourselves to get trapped by all the hype that surrounds the holidays - have you ever considered that maybe he also feels pressured to attend these family gatherings (from social expectations or perhaps a sense of duty to you) and would really much rather sit home alone? If you put it to him that he doesn't seem to enjoy spending time with your family and that you have decided you'll take him out for lunch another day, just the two of you, what do you think his reaction would be?

Helpful Answer (14)

I said previously I don’t consider myself to force holidays on him. He normally drives over on these holidays (or I pickup if her house) I mean he asks what I’m doing weeks prior so he’s been invited for a decade or so since his wife passed and always attends.
It was indeed brought to my attention that could be the case as I read the responses... Perhaps he doesn’t enjoy them.
Regardless... we’re “not celebrating in town this year” so He has enough time to make arrangements at the casino, he definitely enjoys that place.

(8)

Ah--the dreaded holidays!

Take a year off. Call him and say you're sorry but you aren't going to 'observe' Christmas or Thanksgiving this year, or you're leaving town. Make up some fib and let him rant, rave and be a pill.

It won't kill him to sit home alone. As long as you all cater to him, the more he'll expect it.

My MIL would come to our house, stay a half hour and demand to be chauffered back home. DH would have already picked her up, but he would accede to her wishes and take her home. He's miss out on pretty much the whole day. Finally I put MY foot down and told her "we get together at 11. We will open gifts after brunch. Then, NO SOONER THAN 2 pm will DH leave HIS family to run you home. That's the way it's going to be."

Well, of course I was the bad guy and DH got angry with me and I said he could then spend the day with her, and I'd get the grandkids.

Probably wouldn't make any difference, but you could tell this sponge that your friend used her FOOD STAMPS to make a meal for HIM. He probably can't 'contribute' to a meal but he could slip you $200 to help out.

People treat us the way we let them treat us. I know that's easily said and hard to do.

Helpful Answer (13)

Thank you for your response, I’m in hopes you don’t have to spend your holidays without DH, do you? I agree about the meal and contributing, he gambles $500 per trip and has pension, retirement, and social security incomes. He is Japanese so I tend to deem certain behaviors as cultural, like waiting till he takes a bite of food to start talking and spitting his food on my plate🤢
I worry what if it’s his last Christmas? Plus I’m over here giving other people advice I cannot follow🥴 then my little voice says WHY SHOULD HE RUIN IT EVEN IF ITS HIS LAST???
I guess a bigger concern is my son isn’t going to be a child who gets excited about Xmas much longer! Why should I isolate my son and myself to spend a thankless holiday with a crotchety ungrateful terd?

(6)

If Christmas and Thanksgiving are meaningful holidays for you, don't allow other family members to ruin them for you. You have every right to spend the holiday with or without anyone you choose. The first year you establish a new "routine" for the holidays is the hardest; after that it is much easier. "We are going out of town for Christmas," if need be to get you started with the separation. If you feel that you must, invite him over for lunch a week or two beforehand to "celebrate" early since you will be "out of town."

Helpful Answer (13)

I don’t have him over my home casually, just these 2 holidays unless we go to her place. That’s it. But we’re having a new tradition called “rude ungrateful people can be alone” this year.

(12)

IF you decide to invite him can you set "ground rules"
First being that he will be picked up at...and not to call, you will have your phone off and will not answer.
Second. If at ANY time he is rude or complains you will take him home. At the first rude or mean comment you get your coat, get his and drive him home. You can then return to your gathering. (If you don't want to do that then call a Cab, they can take him)
If he does not agree to any of this then he is not welcome and he can enjoy his holiday at the VA helping to serve Veterans and Active Service men and women that can not get home.

Helpful Answer (13)

Theres no “setting rules” with him. He’s old and stubborn and healthy enough so I’m not giving him the children’s holiday! Honestly I don’t owe him anything. It’s a time for sharing and caring and cheer so since he’s not THAT way, he’s not coming. If he was nonchalant or quiet about things I could tolerate him no problem but to demean people and ruin an entire holiday when he’s had 91 of them? No and No!

(1)