My mother reduced her sitter to tears today telling her to tell me (her daughter) that I could lick the sitter's @ss. She's also still praying out loud for something bad to happen to me and my husband. Paid the sitter for the week and told her that she could go on home for the day and we'd play it by ear the rest of the week. My previous post explains how she is refusing her medicine for her dementia. Going on 4 days straight. Finally took her thyroid medicine this morning with lots of coaxing but no BP or dementia meds. She's out of control, hitting one of the aides with the remote to her lift chair. Don't think she really physically hurt her though. Hospice is in and out mostly dealing with her behaviors now since she recovered from the UTI she had last week. Need advice, validation I guess, that I'm doing the right thing to leave my mother without a sitter in the NH. She's had one for the 2 years she's been there. The nurse at the NH has assured us they'll keep close check on her and I'm only 5 mins away so I can pop in most anytime. Can't visit my mother though. She verbally attacks me as soon as I walk in the door. This is a nightmare for me, the only child. My mother has always had a strong, stubborn sometimes controlling personality and I tell everyone this is her personality on steroids. I just don't know what else to do. Seeing a therapist as needed but she's an hour away and can't go anytime I want. Thank you in advance for any thoughts, encouragement, even stern words of advice.
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The anxiety meds, on the other hand, would make what life I have left much more pleasant. To me, those would be my preferred drugs if I have Alzheimer's.
If hospice is involved, have they talked to you about comfort measures only? Our hospice is so gentle talking about the end of life. They have done a great job managing mthr's problems with antipsychotic meds. Even though she can barely do anything, these drugs keep her from fighting about simple things, like being fed or changing diapers. They are wonderful.
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So I feel your pain, my friend. If you can't tolerate your mom's behavior, don't go in for a visit. Remember that this is not your REAL mother you're seeing now but the victim of a disease that has robbed her real mind and replaced it with one that doesn't work properly. Don't take things personally, but don't stay around to get verbally attacked, either. I don't think it's wrong to have the sitter stay away.......the NH will look after your mom as they said they would.
Just to throw ONE thing out there.......did the doc check to make 100% certain her UTI was fully cleared up? Sometimes, the UTIs either don't fully clear up or they come back. Sometimes, the antibiotic has to be changed and another round has to be administered. Just on the off chance that's what's contributing to this agitated behavior.
Best of luck!
Although I kept an eye on my father and communicated with the staff a couple of times a week to daily as his physical health failed, I limited my visits with my father to once a week for no more than 2 hours. If Dad started in on a rant, I told my father it wasn't good for him to get so riled up and I would see him next week as I walked out the door. The MC had cameras so I could observe Dad without him knowing I was there when he was having problems.
Is there anyway you can bribe your mother with goodies? Cookies or candy? Ice cream sunday or milk shake? I also took Dad a eatable treat when I did visit and he usually behaved himself at least until he had consumed it.
Remember dementia is not your mother's fault or yours either. She is safe and receiving as much care as she will allow. She neither needs or appreciates your visits, so there is no need to present yourself as a target for her disease's rants.
So painful to try and visit her so thinking I'll just have to go even less now.
BTY...I could write a book too, just about the last 13 years with my mother.
Again, I'm so sorry that you are going through this torture.
((((((hugs)))))))
The 'not best loved' doesn't hang around for the abuse.
Throw dementia in the mix and you just can't win.
I'm a trigger for my mother so I simply cannot see her. She triggers me and I trigger her. It's a no win.
Yet I keep trying--it's been 4 months since I spoke to her, 7 since I saw her. I'm debating whether or not to make this permanent.
Theras--is it mandatory that your mom have a sitter while she's in a NH? She's just too much to take? My heart breaks for you. I can step out of the ring and there's 4 sibs who can step in.
And everything is harder over the holidays isn't it??
Hugs to you---your mom sounds like a harridan!
Sending serene thoughts your way...
Remember. Put your oxygen mask on first.
Adjusting anti anxiety medication may help.
But there comes a time when safety is more important.
If you, your family or the caregivers are not safe it may be time to consider placing her in Memory Care.
If she is not safe it might be time to consider placing her in Memory Care.
This is not a "failure" it is the disease and the progression of the disease.
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