Bad Thanksgiving, need advice.

Honey, you're her trigger. I know because I'm my mom's trigger. Mom's psychiatrist explained this to me. Some people just have a hard time coping with their frustrations. When things aren't as they want them to be they target someone close to them with all their anger, hurt, etc. Some people simply never grow out of those childhood temper tantrums and they morph, over time, into irrational finger pointing. Or - dementia sets in and, in some cases, their brains lose healthy coping mechanisms and they revert to this type of finger pointing. Additionally, there is a dementia symptom known as anosognosia. It means "without knowledge of disease" and it happens when changes in the brain cause individuals to be incapable of seeing that something is wrong with them. Instead, they think something is wrong with everyone else. My mother has this. She does not believe she requires the care of a dementia care unit and thinks I put her there just to get her out of my hair. She blames me for being there and thinks she's perfectly fine. She goes so far as to talk about escaping and leaving town so she can go start over her life elsewhere.

Don't take your mother out of the facility today. She literally has brain damage from this disease. She is showing you that she cannot mentally or emotionally cope. She is cognitively confused and if she falls, she could get even more seriously injured than she has already. I know it's hard. Trust me, I dread visiting my mom today because of my own guilt. But the reality is that YOU have a healthy brain. YOU have the capacity to make rational, objective decisions. YOU understand the reality of the situation that your mom does not. You need to function in the world of reality and the reality is, like it or not, your mom has brain damage and requires the care of a long term facility and her broken brain needs time to adapt (which isn't easy). Don't disrupt that but removing her from the place, people, and routines that will - in time - help her settle into her new life just to prevent her irrational anger and ease your guilt. That's not the right decision for either of you.

Seriously, don't take your mother out for the day! I do appreciate how important Thanksgiving is, but this is definitely not the time to attempt to engage her in celebrations. What she needs is to stabilise. Don't give her yourself to yell at :)

Does anybody else in the family drive? - surely someone does. Put together a tray of celebration treats, perhaps including a nicely plated-up meal if the staff agree, and get two or more (max four, or it'll be much too crowded) family members to deliver them to your mother and spend a fixed amount of time with her (I'd suggest one hour maximum).

I know it's a vital day, but it is only one day and just today you have other priorities. God willing your mother will have better Thanksgivings to come, but there is no way she is going to enjoy this one even if you do bring her to your home. Let the facility handle it. Call them, and be nice (of course), but remember you're not asking them you're telling them that mother will be with them for meals after all. They'll cope.

If your conscience won't even let you take one day, visit her this evening.

I know it would be emotionally difficult for you to pull this off but I really think you should consider not bringing her to your home today. I think that with everything in her life being so difficult right now, with both her physical and mental health being so fragile right now, that it would really be better for HER to remain calmly, quietly where she is. ((hugs))

Don't pick her up for thanksgiving dinner. Staff are asking you not to, listen to them. If you get her out you may never be able to get her back there. Give her a few weeks to settle in and think about the next holiday. The day may come that the facility requests that you do not visit for a period of time.

Within 3-4 day of mom's move to memory care she was sent for a geriatric psych assessment as inpatient. Upon her return, staff asked family and other visitor to stay away for a couple two or three weeks. Each time family visited mom would become extremely agitated and a danger to herself and others.

Follow staff instructions. They have been through this many times. AND, especially, your daughter deserves a pleasant day, and so do you.

Do not bring her to your house for Thanksgiving.

It will be a disaster.

Let her get settled into her new place and enjoy your meal with family.

You are not responsible for her anger.

I’m so thankful for this forum and all of you! I did take my mom to my house and it went well! We lost my dad and my brother last year and it’s been rough. I’m the only one my mo.m has and my heart breaks for us both. She just went through such a big change Wednesday. It was rough on the ride to my house but she kept saying she was going to be good and she was. My mother-in-law is in a nursing home and wheelchair and between getting the two of them up and down the stairs it was crazy. Thankfully my sister in law is a nurse. My mom had a great time. And she didn’t give me a problem going back. So all is ok for the time being. Thank you all for your words. You really all understand what I’m going through.

I agree with the others. Do not bring her to your house and leave her alone for a while to get adjusted. I had to stop answering calls from my mother (vascular dementia) at one point as they were crazy abusive and stressing me too much. It didn't do either of us any good to allow her to verbally abuse me. Have a good Thanksgiving with the rest of your family. Your mother is ill and it makes no more sense to take her out than if she was in a body cast.

Wubba said it perfectly. The question here is...are you doing it because of guilt? If so, put aside that guilt and do what is best for Mom. It will do her no good taking her out of the MC. She is there because she has hit a stage of her Dementia that she needs more care than an AL can give her. More care then u can give her. Look at it as she is sick with the flu and can't go out. As said, take the MCs advice and leave her. I would actually not go the whole weekend. You can call and see how she is. When u do visit, if you are the "trigger" than don't stay long. Tell her u will come back when she is feeling better. Getting her agitated is not good for her. Its now what is good for Mom. Don't visit because u feel guilty. You had nothing to do with her getting this desease so nothing to feel guilty about. As they say, this too will pass.

Please realize in the state Mom is in, she will not enjoy the gathering. She will probably get overwhelmed and need to be taken back to the MC within the hour. Thats how long my Mom lasted. Say a prayer for her at the table and toast her. Then ENJOY your day.

Val, so happy for you all! You are indeed wonderful!

I am so glad it worked out. You now have a nice memory. Yes, its a big help when everyone pitches in and helps.