How do I keep my marriage solid and be a caregiver to someone with dementia at the same time?

You ask how to keep the marriage solid, and then immediately follow that with she's been there 8 years and you wont put her in a facility. and "our lives revolve around mom and my husband and I are always arguing about nit picky things she does or says' - you answer your own question.

Just exactly how much do you expect your poor husband to endure? Do you care about him at all? His happiness, his health? You have all this guilt about taking care of your mom, but where is the guilt about *literally* ruining your husbands life? Eight years? Hasnt he done this this long enough?

I bet when he comes home he sits in the car for a few minutes. I bet he sighs when it's time to go home. I bet he hates going home at all, but he loves YOU, so he continues to endure. I bet he is miserable. I bet he has high blood pressure, and I'd bet he is on anti depressants, and probably anti anxiety meds too.

Just IMAGINE how hard it must be for him. His home should be his sanctuary. He obviously loves you or he would have bailed on you ages ago. A man like that is a rare treasure and he deserves to have some peace in his life. And so do YOU.

Ask yourself one thing: If it was YOUR daughter and her husband taking care of YOU, and it was destroying their lives - wouldnt you rather be in a facility? You say 'put her in a home' like it's horrible. She already goes to a seniors center, she might have a total blast in an assisted living facility.

What is your belief system that makes you think that you should sacrifice your marriage and family life in order to care for your mother?

Is this a core tenant of your religion?

Did your parents sacrifice everything to care for all 4 of your grandparents?

Did you and your husband go into your marriage knowing that you felt that you would feel obligated to care for your parent until death?

Why do you think your mother would feel abandoned? Might she not feel she was getting professional care and have the companionship of others of her age group?

These are serious questions

Guilt is a self imposed emotion that not only keeps you stuck but is used to justify why we do not make good sound decisions. How do you know that you mother will feel abandoned? This is you talking to yourself, unfounded feedback.

The homes are structured to allow people to join in, to spend time with people of their own generation, to attend activities and be watched over 24/7, she certainly will not be alone.

Re adjust your thinking... turn your negatives thoughts into positive ones.

Don't sacrifice your marriage for your mother, I am sure she didn't sacrifice her marriage for you or anyone else...think with your head not your heart, your heart is not designed to do the thinking.

I have a hard time understanding why your husband does not get a say to who lives in his house. You can support your mom but have her live elsewhere. Your husband gets a say too and I'm surprised this has gone on 8 years.

I believe that you do not sacrifice your own marriage and kids (when kids there are) to the needs of your elder. It is time to look for care for your Mom. You will lose your marriage, and that will leave you very little when your Mom is gone, and wear you out until she is, feeling you have sacrificed your life for hers. Which will have been the case. You have done this long enough. Too long. Look to the warning signs. For me, if would be a deal breaker as well. It doesn't sound cruel at all. We owe our parents love and respect. We owe our nuclear family everything we can provide for them. I am wishing you good luck.

I certainly would not sacrifice my marriage for my parents, to me that thinking is all backwards.

You and your husband have done this long enough, time to give both you and he need a break.

You do know what needs to be done, and now is the time to do it, find a nice AL and place her, you can visit her there and give your husband the gift he deserves... his freedom.

The ball is in your court, do the right thing, your mother will adjust, believe me it's not the end of the world.

How will you deal with the guilt of knowing that you threw your husband over in order to focus all your attention on your mother?

Why do you think your mother will feel abandoned? Did she raise you to cater to her every whim at the expense of your own well-being and that of your family?

It all boils down to one question. Who are you emotionally married to?

"How do I deal with the guilt of considering putting mom somewhere." Even considering putting your mother somewhere makes you feel guilt? That is a strong statement and one that may come from a place of fear. It's rarely a good idea to make decisions based on fear. Recognize that doing nothing because you fear how your mother will react is a decision.

Your mother's needs are only going to increase. She may live another 10 years. What is now "arguing about nit picky things she does or says" will turn into resentment - your husband resenting your mother for being there and you resenting your husband for resenting your mother.

Start touring senior communities. You can care for your mother and not have her living with you.

You wrote this: " I am NOT willing to put her in a home."

If this is still true (is it?), then you won't be able to keep your marriage solid. That's the simple answer. It seems as if you have chosen your mother over your husband if you refuse to consider placement for her.