My dad is 95 and has never had any feelings for me, and that's putting it mildly. I'm his sole caregiver since Mom died. Any advice?

Petelg,

You have been posting since February 2017. All concerning Dads abuse in some way.

I don't think you will change him at this point. What you have to do is change you. Do you live with him? If no, start backing away and set boundries. Let your sister do the caring. If you live with him, need to find a way to get out. If Dad is 95, you have to be in your 60s. You can start collecting SS at 62. You can make 17k a year with a job. There are senior apts where rent is charged on scale. I think 30% of your total income. If u need to, find a clinic that has therapy on a sliding scale if u can't afford it.

You need to find out why you continue to put up with this abuse. When Dad passes, you may find out you put up with all this and get nothing. No one knows why some people love us and others don't. You may never find out in your lifetime. You need to get a life of your own and leave Dad and Sis behind.

Stop caregiving a get on with your life. He wont change, but you can.

Dear Petelg, you seem very concerned that your sister is a gold digger, but why is that bothering you? Do you have any actual proof that your father is gifting her money (which would be a problem is he ever requires Medicaid)? Do you think you don't have the same (or any) inheritance? How do you know for sure? Because if you dislike your father to the degree I'm sensing in your post but you are providing free care to this man who you say has no feelings for you and neither you for him, maybe you are both gold diggers? I'm sorry for the disappointing family situation. I'm wondering why you stay in it? If your dad has never had feelings for you, why stay and endure it? Why don't you have your dad pay you for your caregiving at least, so that you can mitigate some of your bitterness and anxiety over money? Otherwise I agree with others who have suggested you move out and move on with your life. I wish you peace in your heart no matter what decision you make or what turns this situation takes.

You have a few choices here.
1. Begin the process of moving out if you are living in his home. Notify him as well as any siblings that as of (example) March 1, 2020 you will move out and no longer provide care for him. And on March 1, 2020 load the last of your belongings in the car and head out.
2. Draw up a caregiver contract and he should be paying you a fair wage for the care you provide. Make it legal, have taxes taken out as well as paying into Social Security. If this is not acceptable...see option 1.
3. Suck it up, stick it out and continue your life the way it currently is for the next XX years. And be prepared for worst case scenarios if he has a fall care-giving can get a lot tougher. ..if this sounds like a version of a living h311 see option 1.

If he is not competent and you think he is being take advantage of financially you could seek Guardianship and at that point you would have more control. Guardianship is not something to be taken lightly and it can be involved.

You know exactly what is coming. You are a smart person and have reasoned this all out for yourself.

what you haven’t internalized yet (apparently) is that this is never going to turn out the way you would like.

I strongly suggest to you that you get away from him. Realize that no matter when or how this separation between you and Dad happens.....you are going to be left out in the cold. So, leave now.

the best revenge is to live well. Go make your life, and don’t look back.

If everything is so awful which I sympathize with you perhaps you should walk away but you might first make your feelings known. I am sorry for all you have endured. The 10 year anniversary of my father's passing was just a few days ago. It now feels like a long time ago. I am sure your father knows how dependent he is on you. I think you need to make your feelings known. He hasn't treated you any better without your input. See if you can make a change.