So, I have been following this forum and am wondering how do you cope with family shut down when an elder is ill and suffering?

Maybe brother needs to find a place of his own. Tell him its not working.

Charzfancytoy, I agree with comments posted, especially NHWM: what do you want the outcome to be? If it's to continue to care for you mom at home, is that realistic if it's just you? It sounds like your brother moved in and then you had an expectation that he would also be caring for/paying for your mom? Is he working full time? It's not fair to him for you to have had unexpressed expectations after he moved in. It's also not fair if your mother has expectations of continual home care provided by family, as things can devolve to the point of her needing more than what can physically, financially and emotionally be provided by family. If you can pinpoint what you think will "solve" your dilemma, let us know.

Oh, okay. Thanks for clarifying. It may be due to the big age span but my brothers are closer in age to me and we don’t get along either. Like I said, you aren’t alone. Unfortunately, a lot of us have difficulty with our siblings.

So, who invited him to live in your home? Can you ask him to leave? It is hard enough caring for a parent. Yes, the relationship changes when we become our parent’s caregiver. It just does. It puts a strain on the relationship. I’m sorry this is so hard. I have been there too.

My caregiver days are over but I did it for a very long time! Mom is now living with my brother and sister in law. His interference and mom’s favoritism pushed me over the edge. I love mom. I care but it became too much.

Do you want your brother to move out? Stay and help? Why did he move in?

Have you thought of going to therapy? I did. It helps.

I am so sorry that things aren’t going smoothly. Please don’t feel like you are alone. It happens to many of us. Not all siblings get along for various reasons.

You say that you all live together. Is this in your mom’s house? Your house? Do you want to live with them? Have you ever thought of being on your own?

If there are things you feel should be discussed why not ask for a family meeting in home or in a coffee shop, meet and ask your questions, or ask if anyone feels there are any things that need discussing? Clearly you think there are, so appropriately bring up your thoughts and questions and see if any have any input.

Could you elaborate about what you mean by family shut down? I think I know what you mean. Just want to make sure we are on the same page before I respond.