The only suggestion I have seen from others is to try hiring someone to assist his bathing. You could start with just once/week and see how it goes. It also might take trying several different aides, to assess his response to their help. Seems like often those with dementia will allow someone else to help with these tasks, but not their own LO!
TigressLinda, have you tried the no rinse products? They're used in rehab facilities depending on the condition. I was given bottles of each when I had an appendectomy a few years ago and was surprised how refreshed I feel.
They're available in pharmacy sections of at least one chain store here, as well as in drugs stores. They aren't cheap though, but can anyone put a price on safety?
This search hit provides links to 2 Aging Care articles on this subject, as well as threads on similar issues:
My father will not let my mother help him in the shower, or with a lot of other things. We finally hired a home health aide and he seems to accept her as a person of authority and follows her direction easily. She washes, dries and dresses him with no problem at all. Prior to that he could shower himself. He hated the shower bench, which was too low to get on and off comfortably. But his bedside commode, with the basket removed, worked well. He could sit easily and the opening below made it convenient to clean the entire groin area with a handheld shower head.
Hi, I’m in a similar situation with my older husband. You’ll have to try to figure out the reasons why he is refusing and address them.
Mine gets exhausted by showering and therefore avoids it if he’s already tired. (So we do that on days he feels better.) He doesn’t like the washcloth in bed when it becomes cold on his skin or feels invasive like on his face. (So I start with noninvasive parts of the body, usually a hand, and change the water for warmer water part way through). He doesn’t want his nails cut because.... I think he just doesn’t like the sensation! (Who does!?) So unfortunately they tend to grow long before he will let me cut them. He would never allow someone else to help him, other than me.
We are still working on these things, but it’s better than trying to force him to shower, which only resulted in anger and resentment, or just let him be, which caused him to become very itchy! Good luck.
Wish I had an answer. My husband has had this issue for almost 2 years. He had no choice but to shower when he stayed at Care facility for couple of days in February. He followed nurses request 😁. Go figure. He still doesn't want me to touch him or help him. Maybe someone on this site as some ideas. 🌹
Is this a walk in shower or does he have to step into a tub to shower? There is always the fear of falling. My Husband used a walker, he was used to holding onto a walker. There were grab bars in the shower but he did not use them. I got a resale store walker ($4.00) and put that in the shower and he would stand and hold onto the walker. When he was done he used the walker to exit the shower and we "traded" the dry walker for the wet one. I was told by a Physical Therapist that the head and torso are "vulnerable" areas so try a hand held shower head and direct the water away from the head and torso, start at the feet and work up. A shower chair or bench is safer than standing. If you get a bench one with a back is safer. Worst case you get someone to come in 2 times a week to shower your husband. I know 2 times a week does not seem like a lot but I found that that is all the state requires in facilities (I live in Illinois) and with cleaning properly after toileting 2 showers should be good, and you do not want to stress him to the point it is a fight each and every time.
Will he allow you to massage his arms, legs, back? If so start with that and a foam soap then wipe it off with a soft cloth. (look for the no rinse foam soaps)
I suppose this might also be a phase that passes as a lot do with dementia. Keep trying and a caregiver that comes in 1 or 2 times a week to give him a bath or shower also means you are not the one "forcing" him.
Why does he deny your help? Is this a sudden change in behavior? Does he need a shower chair for safety? Two person assist for safety? Stubbornness or dementia? Senior care agencies have people trained to do hygiene tasks for our loved ones. Contact his doctor for analysis and direction.
Try, as I do, the day I changed sheets on the bed, "no one gets into bed that has fresh clean sheets on without taking a shower." So far it works, after trying and trying everything. So now I change sheets the same day I want him to shower. If there is an area he fusses about washing, such as his head, I tell him a fib, that he has sores there and he needs to wash it. My comment makes it sound easy, but it sure isn't and each time there are more challenges.
Ask doctor to get you some in home help. Bathing, exercise, a weekly nurse visit, etc. It's possible that someone else arriving on 'bath days' would get him into the tub or shower.
Check with beauty/barber shops around your house. Some will do the hair cutting at your house. My mom has a lady who does it and it works out well. Kids and grandkids might also know someone who can go to hubby - ask. There are lots of folks out there who do haircuts and learned on their own, so may even be someone right there in the neighborhood.
Please talk to his physicians. He may need a medication change and/or additional lab and other tests to rule out causes for this behavior change. It may be time for alternative placement or hospice etc. He may allow a male caregiver to assist with personal care when he is unable to accept this from you.
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They're available in pharmacy sections of at least one chain store here, as well as in drugs stores. They aren't cheap though, but can anyone put a price on safety?
This search hit provides links to 2 Aging Care articles on this subject, as well as threads on similar issues:
https://www.agingcare.com/search?term=no+rinse+products
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Prior to that he could shower himself. He hated the shower bench, which was too low to get on and off comfortably. But his bedside commode, with the basket removed, worked well. He could sit easily and the opening below made it convenient to clean the entire groin area with a handheld shower head.
Mine gets exhausted by showering and therefore avoids it if he’s already tired. (So we do that on days he feels better.) He doesn’t like the washcloth in bed when it becomes cold on his skin or feels invasive like on his face. (So I start with noninvasive parts of the body, usually a hand, and change the water for warmer water part way through). He doesn’t want his nails cut because.... I think he just doesn’t like the sensation! (Who does!?) So unfortunately they tend to grow long before he will let me cut them. He would never allow someone else to help him, other than me.
We are still working on these things, but it’s better than trying to force him to shower, which only resulted in anger and resentment, or just let him be, which caused him to become very itchy! Good luck.
There is always the fear of falling.
My Husband used a walker, he was used to holding onto a walker. There were grab bars in the shower but he did not use them. I got a resale store walker ($4.00) and put that in the shower and he would stand and hold onto the walker. When he was done he used the walker to exit the shower and we "traded" the dry walker for the wet one.
I was told by a Physical Therapist that the head and torso are "vulnerable" areas so try a hand held shower head and direct the water away from the head and torso, start at the feet and work up.
A shower chair or bench is safer than standing. If you get a bench one with a back is safer.
Worst case you get someone to come in 2 times a week to shower your husband. I know 2 times a week does not seem like a lot but I found that that is all the state requires in facilities (I live in Illinois) and with cleaning properly after toileting 2 showers should be good, and you do not want to stress him to the point it is a fight each and every time.
Will he allow you to massage his arms, legs, back? If so start with that and a foam soap then wipe it off with a soft cloth. (look for the no rinse foam soaps)
I suppose this might also be a phase that passes as a lot do with dementia. Keep trying and a caregiver that comes in 1 or 2 times a week to give him a bath or shower also means you are not the one "forcing" him.
Check with beauty/barber shops around your house. Some will do the hair cutting at your house. My mom has a lady who does it and it works out well. Kids and grandkids might also know someone who can go to hubby - ask. There are lots of folks out there who do haircuts and learned on their own, so may even be someone right there in the neighborhood.
He may need a medication change and/or additional lab and other tests to rule out causes for this behavior change.
It may be time for alternative placement or hospice etc. He may allow a male caregiver to assist with personal care when he is unable to accept this from you.