LexiPexi Asked July 2020

It's time for my husband to go to a group home. Even though this is what I wanted, why am I now hesitating when a room is available?

It's time for my 76 year old husband to go to a group home for his care. I am no longer able to care for him - in a safe manner - at home. He was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease in 2002, dementia in 2014 and clinically blind in 2017. It has been challenging for both of us. Over the years, we've done the best we could. I looked at both group homes and larger facilities and determined along with both of his doctors (PCP and neurologist) that a group home would be best for his wants and needs. After much discussion, he has agreed to move to a group home (he has fought it every step of the way). He said I've worn him down and has agreed to the transition. We both looked at the group home with the owner, viewed the room and interacted a bit with the caregivers. He has agreed that this is the home he will move to. A room will become available August 1st and it's time to give a deposit to hold the room and get the paperwork in order. Why do I feel so guilty now that the time is here? Just yesterday there was a incident with him at home and I said to myself, I really can't do this for much longer. Today, I received notice of the upcoming availability. For some reason, I'm hesitating. This is such a huge decision. Neither of us has any family left, so the decision is mine. Has anyone else gone through the hesitation process in their mind at the last minute? If so, can you share some ideas that ultimately made you decide one way or the other. The group home has been extremely strict about Covid 19 and they have not had any cases to date. I've not been able to have any help come in since mid-March. Thank you.

35 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First

Change is so hard, even when we've planned for it and know it's the right thing to do.

If nothing else, YOU need a break from 24/7 caregiving.

Would it help if you framed this for yourself as a 6 week respite? Promise yourself (and this is a thought just for you, not DH), that you'll re-evaluate how things are going in 6-8 weeks?

Because if you become ill, your husband has no one to advocate for him. You are a precious resource for him.

Please take this time to recharge your batteries.

((((Hugs))))))

Helpful Answer (13)

Very, very good approach. Excellent idea, the OP can't possibly lose by thinking of it in this way.

(4)

I found that placing my wife in a care facility was the most difficult decision I ever made. She was 75. We were married for 52 years. I was the sole caregiver. But I had reached my limit as a caregiver. I felt the guilt in not being able to care for her. Although the guilt lingered for a while, and visiting her daily, I realized she was lovingly cared for, I felt I made the right decision and could finally feel a sense of relief.

Being a caregiver places a lot of stress and anxiety on a person which could cause physical issues with you. For his benefit and yours, go ahead and place him in the group home. He'll be well cared for.

Helpful Answer (12)

I know the feelings and how difficult the decision is to make.
I was at that same place just before Luz had her last attack of not being able to walk. I explained it all to her and we both felt really bed about it.
Unfortunately she sis not live long enough for me to go through with it.
You feel just like I did. I never wanted to be separated from her but I knew it would be for the best but it never happened.
Visiting would be the best follow up after placement.
Excuse me now. My screen is getting blurry.I wish you the best.

Helpful Answer (12)

OldSailor - I could tell by what you wrote that Luz was your soulmate. Not everyone is that lucky to find and share lives with someone so special. You and Luz shared a life journey together till the end. How blessed you both were. And I am very happy for both of you.

(6)

A complete change for your life. You have a routine and responsibilities that will become totally different leaving time for what YOU need and want to do. It is a life style change which is hard even without caregiving being part of it. Then there is the guilt.

Take that room, it may be months until one is available again. Find caregiver support and or therapy. Do not expect this change to be easy, it won't be.

Now that it looks like this move will happen do not discuss with husband. All you do not need is him having second thoughts, or worse refusing to go. If you don't get this help, then what if something happens to you?

Don't turn back.

Helpful Answer (9)

Heart breaking decision.
Many decisions we have to make are heart breaking.
I always said my number 1 priority was safety.
If I could not care for him safely, either his safety or mine I would have had to place him in Memory Care.
You have made the best choice given the circumstances the fact that he also realizes that this move is necessary is wonderful. I can tell you it may not always be so. He may forget that he also wanted this or knew it was necessary. Do not let that "guilt" you. You are doing the right thing.

Everyone hesitates when making a giant leap. But if those first steps were never taken we would all be crawling, "explorers" would never have ventured past the Mississippi, we would not know what the surface of the moon looks like.....

You are doing what is best and safest for him.

Helpful Answer (8)

The beginning of being in a facility is difficult, but it will be easier as he adjusts. You can still visit, right? You'll be his wife, not his care giver. It will be good for both of you. I'm sure you did not make the decision out of selfishness, but rather out of love. And your own well being is of course important. It's adjustment time. Continue with your plan in peace.

Helpful Answer (7)

When an opening came up in a memory care facility for my husband, I wasn’t quite ready. When I asked the neurologist about taking it, he said, “I would, it’s not going to get better you know.” That made me think, I guess it’s time. My husband loved it and acclimated immediately. He is very social and liked being with people. I was able to enjoy spending time with him without the worry of showering, will he wander, etc. He’s in a nursing home now under hospice care.

Helpful Answer (7)

You sound exactly like me. I know that my husband, who is 75, needs to go to a home. He too has fought it but I am now exhausted and cannot keep this up. But I hesitate even though I know it is time for him to go. It is such a very difficult decision and there is so much guilt on my part. I am planning to put him in August 1st too and it is just so hard. I know just what you are going through. Stay strong.

Helpful Answer (4)

Please update me on your progress. Thanks, LexiPexi

(3)

I think you said it yourself - I am no longer able to care for him at home. It is always a personal decision and certainly not easy. But what happens if something happens to you - neither have family - Dr's will tell you so often the caregiver will go before the one receiving care (due to stress, neglected health, or just their time is up) Then what would happen to him?? Who would see to it he was put in a good place. Sounds like you have found a place he will be happy and you are OK with. Given his health and duration of time you have already taken care of him - maybe the best way to take care of him now (and yourself) is to place him.

Helpful Answer (4)

I will be in the same situation in probably the near future. I will have to make the choice of going to facilities which will provide my husband care or hiring someone to do it in our home. While I know I can't do many things on my own, it is best to do what is right for the individual. My home is set up for handicapped people, however, a home could be better in many ways as I would not be 100% doing everything. If o have an appointment I must hire someone to come stay with him, if the help cannot come in for whatever reasons, I now have to cancel my appointment. The care providers health tends to go downhill when taking care of someone full time. You are doing right by him to place him in a care facility. It isnt easy, but it is not what is best for your brain, it is what is best for the person whose health is jeopardized to ensure safety and care.

Helpful Answer (3)

Very, very true. The caregiver cannot tend to his/her own needs. And, if they do, someone will come down the pike and call caregiver "selfish." I've had this happen and it hurts so bad. I wanted to ask "So, if I'm in the hospital due to a condition that may have been preventable, you'll step in and care for LO?" As it was, I ended up in the ER and I could directly and/or indirectly trace it back to my LO, other family as well, and the constant demands. Currently, I am dealing with something (not life-threatening, thank goodness) and at least part of the situation could have and possibly should have been dealt with years ago. But I put it off in order to better meet others' needs. Caregivers are still human beings, but that seems awfully hard for the person receiving care to acknowledge as most don't seem to think they need much help at all. And then when other onlookers start putting in their opinions on how things should be going (OK - what can I sign you up for?), it becomes unmanageable.

(1)

See All Answers

It's time for my husband to go to a group home. Even though this is what I wanted, why am I now hesitating when a room is available?

35 Answers

Recent Questions

Popular Questions

Related Questions

Ask a Question