Anyone have a conservatorship for their parent?

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abusedbymom Asked November 2020

Anyone have a conservatorship for their parent?

After last Sunday's nightmare when I had to call the Police on my mother, they took for her a mental evaluation which I assume she passed because people with NPD are highly intelligent and charming and convincing. She has no money and doesn't make good financial decisions whatsoever! Went to an Attorney today and he suggested getting a conservatorship for my mother. He wanted a $2500.00 retainer plus $250 per hour. Also, if she contests it (and I am sure she will) she gets a Guardian Ad Litem and Attorney Ad Litem that each bill me at $150.00 per hour. Or I just throw her on the street. As nasty as she is, and maybe this is me as an Empath and a sucker, I can't do that to her. At least I hope not to do that to her. No guarantee I will be awarded the conservatorship. She's capable enough and strong. If I lose it in court then I am stuck with her. I have my own Depression and Anxiety struggles, a house that needs constant repairs, a dog with cancer that requires a TON of care and will probably live another 5 - 10 years. Mom will live at least another 20 years. My job is super stressful. I have no one to look after me and I moved to a state 5 years ago and still have not made any friends. All I do is work, work on the never ending house repairs, take care of a sick dog and deal with mom. I just don't know what to do!!! If I threw her out I would feel tremendous guilt. I can't afford to buy her, her own condo and she is so nasty, who knows if she would go and live in it. If I spend $1000's and am awarded the conservatorship, that just means she still in my home until I can find her housing (1 - 2 year wait list for affordable senior living). And I would still have to pay $400.00 per month for the rest of HER life. She will literally outlive me. I feel so very trapped with her. I have no life and no friends.

Burnout Elder Law Mental Health

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score 4 · Answer 1

I’ve just caught up on your situation. First, I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through, everyone deserves a loving and supportive mother, and it’s sad that you’ve not had that. I really hope you’ll find the courage to change your life. Don’t pursue this conservatorship, it will drain you, in every way. Sell the house as is, real estate is hot right now. Find a new place that’s easily manageable with your career where you can live in peace. Pursue counseling to help you break this toxic cycle with your mother. Your guilt is misplaced. Happy will never happen for your mother no matter what. You desperately need to separate from her and never live together again. Her funds pay for her living arrangements and yours for you. None of this means you don’t care, it’s the natural course of life that adult children go off and fly on their own. A healthy mom would want this for you. There are social services in place to help her when she needs it, but it will be on her to accept it, it’s not on you. I’m a total stranger but I so want better for you, please want it for yourself. Have the courage to break this cycle and change life, we only get the one. I wish you the best

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score 2 · Answer 2

I think Alva is right - conservatorship is for people with dementia incapacity. Your mom has plenty of capacity, she just misuses it. She would win and what would you accomplish? You need her out of your home. Can you talk to an Elder Care Manager or consult a Social Worker to get together some alternatives for her to choose from. This could cost money but it would be well spent IMO. She gets to choose from those alternatives or she figures something out on her own. You proceed to eviction with advice on how to do it legally in your jurisdiction. I think this is very loving and reasonable. A neighbor had this kind of problem - finally they sold the house from under their lazy adult kids. They moved to the Azores, which I think was a little extreme, but they were about to retire and change their lives in any case.

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score 2 · Answer 3

The average I have heard for fighting for conservatorship or guardianship IF the person fights this, requiring their own attorney is 10,000.00. If you lose these bills are all yours. And the court is VERY hesitant to aware conservatorship over anyone. You can imagine the reason for that. This is taking away every right you have as a citizen. EVERY RIGHT. They do not do this readily. There must be a very solid diagnosis of inability to act in your own behalf. I think what I am saying is that there will be no award for someone with a personality disorder. That is not considered dementia. She will win and you will owe, almost certainly. I am sure the only winner in this would be the attorney.
I would not do this. You must make your own decision. I am with those on your other thread who suggest that personality disorder is not an excuse for abuse.
I wish you so much luck going forward. You have some hard decisions coming which will make you feel rotten no matter which way you go. My heart goes out to you; only you can make these decisions. And yup, she'll likely outlive you. There's something about literally "not caring" that just eliminates the stress that kills us, and people who are badly personality disordered cannot care. They lack sympathy and empathy; it's just missing.
So sorry for all you are going through. I had asked on your other thread if you saw the lawyer, so ignore that question. Only you can decide. I wish you so much luck.

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Thank you SO much for the kind and supportive words. I was thinking around $10K. She's very capable overall. The lawyer said I could just get conservatorship over her housing and let her maintain her independence. I was very clear that I wanted her to have dignity and independence. I've become co-dependent on her, which in of itself is a sickness. NPD's isolate you from friends and family, making them your entire world. Part of the reason why I don't have any friends. She was always weird when I brought up how I needed to make friends or wanted to invite people over. I wish she would let me find her housing alternatives. Whatever situation she finds herself in, it's not going to be good. She's made bad decisions all her life. I feel sorry for her and I know her story isn't going to have a happy ending. But then I think hey! What about me? I have NO ONE. I basically have an invalid dog (whom I love) but is attached at the hip. He ONLY likes me. I feel tugged on in all directions. I just saw that she is doing some packing so maybe she is moving. Unfortunately, after her I have no immediately family. Dad's dead, brother committed suicide last Christmas and all I had was her. I'm just feeling sorry for her and myself. Thanks for the ear. Too bad we are so close to the holidays. :(

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score 4 · Answer 4

I really think you need to rethink this. Let the state take guardianship. You have so much on your plate as it is. I just can’t see spending all this money on conservatorship especially when you still have to use your own money for her care. If I am being honest, with everything you said, it really sounds like conservatorship is a terrible idea here.

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I feel like the lawyer gets his money regardless of the outcome. He thought it would go thru, but who knows? In the end, she will still be in my home. If she was reasonable I would be more than willing to help her transition financially. She spends wildly. She bought her bedroom a bunch of new stuff, which is fine, okay. Monday when I told her she was going to have to figure out another place to live or I was going to have to get an attorney and/or evict if she didn't move, she threw all her new stuff away. So irrational. I can keep her stuff for her or put it in storage and give her the only key. Regardless of where she goes, she will need things like a TV Stand. Just crazy behavior. She will live another 20 - 30 years. Women on her side live well into their 90's. I

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Anyone have a conservatorship for their parent?

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