I share caregiving of MIL with DH. She has always been extremely tight with money which comes from decades of conditioning from her controlling husband who has since passed away. She sends me in search of unicorns… For example, sunglasses that fit perfectly over her existing regular glasses, cost $10, and are available on the spot. Or, a mattress that costs $99 and includes free haul away of the old one. Most recently, she wanted me to shop around for the cheapest dental service. She’s been seeing the same dentist for over a decade and he’s fine.
She is not a victim of the Great Depression and has enough money to last the rest of her life. I realize I am very fortunate in that regard. It’s as if $10 is the same as $10,000 to her. She frets constantly.
By necessity, I have gotten better at recognizing when she’s sending me down the path in search of a unicorn. She is sensitive and insistent, and also has a bit of dementia. She’s not really capable of solving these problems on her own, hence, her request that I spend my time doing it. I don’t want to snap at her, but when I decline to spend an entire day trying to save her $10, she gets very upset with me. She means well, but has no concept of time or money. She really never has. She fixates.
Has anyone else experienced this, and if so, what has worked?
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"I've reaearched mattresses on Consumer Reports.org. The available models cost between $500 and $1200. Which firmness do you like".
Do not go in search of unicorns. It is a waste of time.
My folks began failing in their eighties. I had moved away 30 years ago but was now pressed into service as the last surviving kid so I made many long drives to deal with elder issues. I began to notice things like the dinette set and sofa were the same ones when I was in high school, circa 1969, and held together with duct tape. Dad was developing dementia and was stuck in the 60s. That sofa .......We just got that the other day.....He’d tell me. And they had plenty of money at this point but no longer could comprehend how much they had or how much things really cost.
So to get anything done I had to construct elaborate fibs and a bit of theater. The carpet cleaner guy was a friend of mine and had a little soap left in his tank from other jobs so he’ll do ours for free. Worked like a charm. The 45 year old dryer died but guess what.....I had another old buddy at home depot who found me a new one with a couple scratches for only $50! Dad had been putzing around trying to fix the old one for a month.
On one trip home I noticed that the huge flat screen tv (the first one ever made) in the living room had a huge black vertical stripe that moved slowly across the screen. It was just nuts, mom and dad contently watching wheel of fortune on this thing. Turns out my buddy at Best Buy got us a damaged tv really cheap!
When I finally got them in assisted living it cost around $8k per month. No way could they find this out!! I had to really duck, Bob, and weave on this issue. Pretty much told them not to worry, it’s pretty cheap here and your insurance and Medicare cover it. Not.......By this time I’d been controlling the finances for a couple of years and could get away with such fibs.
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In search of another doctor tell her that to change doctors they request all sorts of tests that she would have to pay for thus increasing the cost of the visit so it would be less expensive to keep with the current dr.
*The new dentist will charge for a new patient exam.
*If mom hasn't had a full mouth xray, they will do that too.
*If she has dental insurance, you'd have to be sure they subscribe to it.
If not, she's paying!!!
Price comparisons:
Other reasons I wanted to change dentists
1) With same place over 30 years, but it was ~1/2 to work.
2) Not working now for several years, but mom's place was nearby.
3) Decided to stay with known, despite the hike, until he retires.
4) Due to virus, and age, he retired.
Once I found no local in-network, I started with the closest place and got some prices along with the codes (those are important if you check with insurance!) I had to go recently to old place, broke part of tooth, needed cap. So, I decided to ask them for prices too. Being way out here in more rural location, I expected lower costs. Nope. In several cases, the local cost was $29 more than the other, and in one case it was $50 more (this is the cost over the out-of-network payment, aka MY cost. I also didn't get the cost of everything, mainly the usual with crown too.) I got the max dentist prices and the payments from ins using those codes. In network, a lot was "free." I think I need to check some more local places. Sure, the old place is farther, more of my time, not worried about gas with one hybrid available, but only the dentist is new, everyone else I've known for years! If they are less and a known commodity, I might continue with them.
If she has dental insurance, maybe tell her that her dentist is the only one who accepts the insurance? If she doesn't have dental insurance, you can do what I did - get the procedure name and code plus price for a few usual treatments, such as x-rays and cleanings. Then call other places with the names and codes and ask their prices. IF they are more, tell mom there's no one cheaper.
Even better, just get that info from her current dentist, make a chart and list these, then in the next row list another local dentist and make up the prices, higher than her current dentist, then the next row another dentist, etc. Is she ever going to check your work? Probably not. Just shows her that you "checked" and they have the cheapest game in town!
A "touch" of dementia CAN be helpful in situations like this. A little subterfuge can work wonders!
"...I finally snapped and said, “these aren’t going to be family heirlooms. We are getting these. It’s time to go.”"
Then there's this method you used. Make a list of things you want MIL and we go when we go, limit the time and we take what they have or we go home without.
How about a little white lie? I'd pretend that I looked into and that X is definitely the best option at this time. Her dentist? Best deal in town.
Don't let her waste your time doing these silly searches.
But seriously - yes this is a common theme, and not a new one, I myself think there seem to have been just as many irresponsibly profligate survivors of the Great Depression as there were miserly ones so no real excuses there, and I'm very much afraid there won't be any quick 'n' easy answers.
Can you solemnly note down her specifications - price, delivery, functionality, quality - and then stall her with a cheerful "still looking, dearest MIL!" If you throw in your own bluster about the outrageous prices of Company X and the shocking attitude of Corporation Y she should be convinced that you're putting in the effort.
When it is an item that is a Need and not a Want, and the purchase has to be made no matter what the financial pain, e.g. decent dentistry, I should place those balls firmly in DH's court.
At the end my bro worried about money. He had early Lewy's dementia, and he made me his POA and his Trustee of Trust. But continued to worry. To coupon clip, to hunt the mouthwash on sale. It is hard to change a lifetime of habit and he and I saw this in our parents as well. We came to see "Time to spend DOWN" as a family joke, meaning "I am about to die in a few years and cannot spend all this; time to let the reins go slack".
But that is almost impossible to do. You delighted me with you "sends me out in search of unicorns". I will remember and steal that adage; it is great.
Now, only thing I can think is to say gently and with HUMOR the following "Mom, you now have more money than you can outlive, even if you need memory care. It's time to "spend down". Let some slack in the reins. Don't worry, it won't go all runaway horse. I know this is how you have lived your life and I couldn't be more proud of what you and dad managed to do. It is a rare thing these days. BUT I am not willing to chase unicorns for you. That is to say I am not for hire for that duty. And if you make me do it I am gonna have to get paid by the hours. Paid LOTS! I can't do it. And I can't enable you in doing it."
Just let her know you are proud and love her to all heck, but you can't be hired on for this duty.
Your post made me think of my entire family, and indeed of myself. I sure wish you good luck and I would love an update.
I am afraid this fixation won't go away; I worried that if my brother's descent into dementia became worse he would fixate on money. He died in May and never had to go that dark path. Best wishes out to you and your Mom. Consider writing! You've a way with words.
There is a very long thread on this forum (posted to regularly for over 3 yrs) where a DIL was so tired of dealing with nonsense that she resigned.
The problem, IMO, was actually caused by her out of state SIL who would create the chores and then call the locals to step and fetch.
The MIL wound up in a NH perhaps sooner than she would have if the local help wasn’t so worn out with incessant requests.
Having said that I have gone on a few trips myself for the right toothpaste or shade Of lipstick.
I found a dollar store often had the discontinued toothpaste. The lipstick was long forgotten when presented with a reasonable alternative.
I am glad you realize the problems are trivial but I know it’s annoying. Thankfully she doesn’t want you to take her with you while you look.
Another poster (Frequent Flyer) had a phrase she used to good effect. “I couldn’t possibly do that” and then move right on. She made a list of all the things she did for her parents and then scratched off the ones she was no longer willing to do and then scratched off a few more. When they tried to enlist her she would simply say “I couldn’t possibly do that”.
You could also say that you will spend one hour per week trying to find things. When that hour is up, no more searching until next week.
As for as her getting upset, she will get over it. After all, who else is going to do it? And for free!!
You will just have to toughen up while you wait for her to get over her pout. I know we hate to disappoint them. They really have such small lives and are probably trying their best. Sometimes we have to remind then that we are also aging and can’t do as much as we would like for them.
I am glad your DH is taking the dental appointments.
If you suspect your MIL's price memory might be stuck in the past, there's a very easy to use gov. website for seeing CPI-adjusted dollar equivalents between any two dates, which may or may not help you shop for her within the price range her memory is in (hope that makes sense). Anyway, here's the website: https://data.bls.gov/cgi-bin/cpicalc.pl?cost1=10.00&year1=195001&year2=202011
Kudos to you helping your DH take care of his mom's needs. Best wishes on this journey.