My mother is in assisted living and refuses to go down for meals. She doesn’t have the money for $5 a tray and doesn’t care. What do I do?

Had similar issues with my mother. She refused to go to the dining room except lunch and her neighbor told me later that she just picked at her food. My mother said the food was awful. She was in a beautiful AL with great services. She got so weak, she fell and had a serious head injury and now, can’t go back. She’s in a memory unit now and is fed in her room. I worry what will happen as she improves, if she goes to AL in the new facility and refuses to eat again. I feel your pain. I think there are several reasons why some elderly won’t eat. I wasn’t aware until all this happened that an AL place doesn’t really monitor their eating. My mother will, however drink and Ensure for breakfast. Don’t know if your mom would consider it. I know this is such a hard situation. Praying for answers for you.

Jules, a microwave would actually increase her ability to dine in her own room.  The dirty dishes and glasses wouldn't be an issue if you used paper plates and disposable glasses (although it certainly wouldn't be climate change compliance).   Picnic accessories could replace things that need to be washed, and if she will eat frozen meals, the plastic trays aren't reusable and can be discarded as well.

Another option I haven't  seen mentioned, although I don't know if it's feasible at AL, is Meals on Wheels.   It's worth checking out; in our area it costs $3/meal, and the service provides additional meals for holidays.

If she's on MA then she should qualify for a waiver. Talk to her case manager about covering the cost of meal delivery to her room.

Jules, why is this your problem?

Are you mom's guardian?

This sounds hard, cruel and cold, I know. But if your mom has not been declared incompetent, then this is between her and the facility.

You will tell her that if she does not do this she will run out of money. She may or may not have the capability of understanding. Tell her that when the money runs out she will be on medicaid and will not have a choice in any matter whatsoever. Tell her you cannot fix everything for her. Then recognize that is the fact. You have done what I would have suggested. There is nothing else to do. A Board and Care may be better for Mom and administration where she is may be more interested in keeping her and just may have the aids "escort Mom" to the dining area for meals in interest of "keeping her funds" if you tell them you will have to look into other care, perhaps board and care facilities where dining is close in to rooms (they generally only have a few patients, often 6 or so).
I really think other than that you are just where I told you to tell Mom you are. She will run out of funds; she will be somewhere less nice.
I am sorry you are going through all this.

My Mom had a little kitchenette. She had cabinets, a counter and a sink. Plus a small fridge with a small freezer and a small microwave. I had the microwave removed. Mom could not have used it anyway. I had put good paper plates, plastic forks and spoons in the cabinets. If she had wanted to, I could have brought in cereal, milk any breakfast type foods for her. Lunch would have been just as easy. Soups, a sandwich. Snacks. Dinner would be the meal that she would have needed to go down for. Unless, the big meal is in the afternoon.

What would they do if Mom had no one. How would they charge $15 for a Medicaid recipient?

Retired teacher here.

Our schools couldn’t refuse to feed kids, either. So, there were always Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches.

Perhaps, you could get her sandwich fixings like that? Or, deli meat and packages of cut up vegetables? Maybe some Ensure?

Also, paper plates? Maybe she will get bored of these choices and decide to go?

She would be “fed”, and you wouldn’t have to do her bidding.

Best wishes.

My mother refused to go for meals in her first place, too, so they delivered them. Her reasoning was that she didn't like watching "pitiful souls" being fed.

She wasn't in the correct type of care (she was in a skilled nursing facility) and needed memory care. I moved her after seven months once I figured out her memory issues were more important to focus on than her health issues.

Problem solved.

I'd tell her she was going to pay the $5 out of her money, whether she ate or not was her own decision.

She's playing some kind of game--who knows why? The pandemic was really, really hard on seniors who were so locked in for so long.

My mom went back to BINGO today, I had to talk hard and be so firm with her that the lockdown is basically over and the ONE joyful thing in her life was back. She said "no" for 2 months to going back, and then suddenly changed her mind. I took her today ( a huge 3 blocks from her house) and picked her up and it was like magic! She was like a kid going to kindergarten, she was so anxious.

Maybe your mom is anxious and scared for some reason. Fear will rear it's ugly head as anxiety, bossiness, refusal to 'obey' the rules--a lot of unpleasant personality traits can really be called "fear" or maybe 'anger'.

Be sure and let her know she's NOT moving in with family if she's being a pill.

Sounds like she needs Memory Care, since her behavioral issues are so intense & in your profile you list her as having 'dementia/Alzheimers. Does the AL have a Memory Care wing/building she can transfer into?

If not, my mother had a fridge and a microwave in her apartment in Assisted Living and was able to fix her own simple meals if she didn't want to go to the dining room for meals. If your mother wants to eat and doesn't want to go down for meals, perhaps she can fix her own? If not, when she gets hungry enough, I suppose she WILL eat. Sounds like she's trying to punish you for placing her, huh? Let her know that you won't be paying $5 per meal for her temper tantrums, one way or another, so it's up to her if/when she chooses to eat.

It's one thing after another, isn't it? I'm sorry you're going through this. Sending you a prayer for a good resolution to this dilemma.

Tell your mother that you will not be paying for $5 trays and however that much puts a dent into her savings, that will be on her and not you. And that if she gets kicked out she will not be moving in with you so either she goes along to get along or there is nothing you can do to help. You need to be proactive and manage her expectations.

Why doesn't she want to go to the dining room?

Nasty behavior, not wanting to follow any rules are your answers, not hers - what reasons does *she* give?

And meanwhile, what's been happening? You don't say how long ago they lifted the restrictions but in any case she can't not have eaten, presumably. Does she have basics in her room/suite like a microwave and a fridge?