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SGeorge24 Asked July 2021

How long is it acceptable to keep a new employer waiting after my mom passes to start a new job?

I was told I could take a few days to be with my mom before I have to start my new job because she has been on a steep decline. I just received a call from the nursing facility and they don't expect my mom to last until the end of the day.


The funeral home has been pre-paid for an immediate cremation as per my mom's final wishes. She clearly stated she did NOT want an open casket with a viewing back when her mind was clear. I don't know if we will have any kind of memorial service since I am the only immediate family and only a hand full of people would be there. Likely some people would show up claiming to be family that I don't even know and that would be about it.


They really wanted me to start last week but now I'm not sure if I should be asking for more time. I know I need to seek out yet another lawyer because I need some answers as to how to best handle things.

JoAnn29 Jul 2021
The question is, can u afford not to take this job. If u can, then maybe let it go. You have been thru a lot the last few months. Its been very overwhelming. I think when Mom passes you may need some time to let it all sink in and do what needs to be done. Trying to concentrate on a new job is just going to add to the stress. I know it would be for me but I overwhelm easily.

Grandma1954 Jul 2021
If you really do not want this job please let them know so they can offer it to the next candidate.
the question I might ask though is do you really not want the job or are you in a dit of a depressed state after caring for someone and the subsequent death? I would do a bit of soul searching in the next 24 - 48 hours.

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polarbear Jul 2021
SGeorge, you wrote: "I kind of feel obligated to start working there now but it's like if they told me not to bother coming in, I wouldn't even care. I took a job I could drive to so I wouldn't be that far away, but if I have to sell the house, I don't want to stay in the area."

It seems to me you don't want this job, and if you took it, you wouldn't stay long either. I think it's best you let the employer know, so they can find someone else. It's the right thing to do.

Erikka Jul 2021
You aren’t a good fit: you’re already unhappy with the expectation that you’ll need to spend 8 hours a day focused on delivering what the company wants when you replied to a comment that want to take care of your mom, her affairs and yourself.

Call the employer, thank him for the job offer and tell him you’re very sorry but it won’t work out. Explain you realize it would be unfair to start a new job when your personal priorities will affect your ability to meet his expectations and affect the entire team.

If the company really wants you, they will make a counter offer. If they don’t, better everyone knows that early. The wrong hire is a huge no win headache for all parties.

Good luck.

Countrymouse Jul 2021
You were told you could take a few days to be with your mother. Were you told this by your new employer?

If yes, if your new employer has allowed you a period of grace, that employer has shown real understanding of your situation. In which case, if you are not sure if you need to negotiate more time off when your mother actually does pass away, I can't think of anybody better to discuss it with. They're being more than fair to you. Just be honest and realistic with them.

gladimhere Jul 2021
We are given bereavement leave of 7 days for immediate family, 3 days for extended family, even new employees.

This is not your employer yet. You have yet to show up and be paid. What if mom does not pass as expected?

If you don't want the job have the courtesy to call and tell them. I have had two recent hires that just did not show up.
JoAnn29 Jul 2021
7 days paid? I have never worked where u got more than 3 days paid. You could take more time off but it came out of your vacation/personal time or you didn't get paid.
JoAnn29 Jul 2021
I agree, talk to the employer. Usually when ur working, you get 3 days for immediate family and less for Aunts, Uncles, cousins, etc. This is paid time off. But you are not an employee yet.

I wouldn't worry about having a Memorial service now. I find with cremation people tend to put that off. I have told my kids I want nothing. Just use my money to go out to lunch or dinner and remember me kindly. We chose my MILs birthday to have her service which was 3 months after her death. She had been cremated and buried in a National cemetery with my FIL. A friend held a very nice luncheon for the family and friends.
SGeorge24 Jul 2021
I'm not worried about a Memorial service now unless I have other people who want to have one for her. I'm not sure who would even come, my mom is 96 years old and has outlived her family and friends. Her only living brother is in Ohio in an AL facility so he won't be coming back for her funeral, I haven't seen him since 1978.

After the cremation, I will let some people know, whoever wants to come to the cemetery can come, we'll have a little graveside service and that will be it.

My dad past away in 2008, we planned for about 200 people and maybe 30 came. It's a small town, so plans for a luncheon need to be made days in advance, reservations only. Sometimes the Church ladies will make sandwiches etc or you can get catering from the local bar & grill. Some major events are catered from out of town.

Since my mom has already requested cremation, we could delay the burial a couple of weeks if we need to.
Grandma1954 Jul 2021
When I was working an employee got 3 days off for the death of a spouse, child, parent, grandparent. (pretty sure it was paid, not sure as I never used it)
I would think 3 days but contact your new employer and ask. If they have given you some time I am sure they would be understanding BUT there are limits and if they are holding a job for you that could easily be filled by someone that is ready, willing and able to start immediately do not expect them to continue to give you more time.
SGeorge24 Jul 2021
This place gives you 2 days without pay, but I haven't started yet. I'm not even sure if I want the job now due to the location, but I completed all the starting paperwork, so I was told they considered my first day to be last Wednesday. I kind of feel obligated to start working there now but it's like if they told me not to bother coming in, I wouldn't even care. I took a job I could drive to so I wouldn't be that far away, but if I have to sell the house, I don't want to stay in the area. I've been going to visit, but not staying with her constantly. I need to go eat, sleep and take care of some stuff for myself like seeing the dentist.
BarbBrooklyn Jul 2021
Sgeorge; I wrote a long reply that got lost.

Anyway; I am SO sorry that your mom is actively dying. Go, be with her. Take a week after she passes and then go to work. Do the "tying up her estate stuff" during lunch hours. My brother settled my mom's estate while working full time; it's not something you need whole days to do.

Again, so sorry and (((((hugs))))).

polarbear Jul 2021
SGeorge - I am sorry for your impending loss.

Your question is how long is it acceptable to keep a new employer waiting. I don't think it is a legal question that you need to seek an attorney for advice. Why don't you ask the employer?

Obviously, they need help, that's why they hired you. How long can they wait, they would know best, wouldn't they? If they really want YOU to work for them, then they will try to wait. If they can find someone else, then they may not wait too long.

Ask the employer. If you involve a lawyer before you even start working, the employer will definitely think you're a potential legal trouble maker and will think twice about having you working for them. If I were them, I would.
SGeorge24 Jul 2021
How would my employer know if I am talking to a lawyer? My mom has only been in the nursing home about 2 months. She doesn't have the money to pay and we applied for Medicaid from day 1 but we have not heard anything from them and she has not yet been assigned a caseworker. I'm not sure it's okay for me to continue to stay in her house, but I have no place else to go for now.

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