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Happy16 Asked March 2022

I feel like I am going to have a melt down. That's all I do is feel guilty! Advice?

Hello everyone,


So 2nd day of my mom being in a nursing home. She hates it and complains all the time!! MY mom had a sheltered life before this, never left her apartment, she loved being alone (has a little bit of depression). She is 85 years old. I LOVE my mom so much but she is causing my siblings and I so much grief when we see her she tells us how she is suffering there and that she cannot believe we did this to her put her there etc..... We are actually putting her into another facility which is actually a "rest home." It isn't considered a nursing home. We should have put her there to begin with. This place she is now is ok! Not really happy about it, but what I heard is all nursing homes are all the same. SOOOOOO my mother today is still miserable my sister is there now and she told my sister she is better off dead! YUP she says the meanest things to us and we are doing everything we can for her to try to make things easy etc........ I am getting to the point where I am actually not liking my mom anymore. She is being so hard and mean and it's causing me sadness and pain. And you know what? I am sure she is having a hard time tooo. BUT NOT once has she asked how we are, her kids!!! So am I being a bad daughter by feeling that I don't want to even see her right now or talk to her? She is making me sooooo not like her right now and actually I cannot believe this is my mom!! I thought my mom would atually care about how WE FELT, her children, for a minute. BUT nope. It's all about her. How miserable and unhappy she is and how we stuck her in a horrible place. God please help me!!!!!! THIS IS SOOOOOOOOOOOO hard. Thank god I have a patient boyfriend who is helping me cope. He is actually mad at my mom for doing this to me.

Happy16 Mar 2022
Thank you so much guys honestly. I love this site it helps me tremondoulsy you all are right!!! staying away right now is what i need to do it is breaking my heart when i hear her and right now i need to think of me too. It is causing me headahces and no sleep either i just pray she gets used to it i just pray!!

CantDance Mar 2022
Happy16:

Sorry for the grief you're going through. Because that's what it is: grief. Grief that you can't stop your mom's decline. Here's what I've observed: Children of aging parents feel guilt no matter what they do. If they care for their parents in-home, they eventually feel guilty for the burnout that occurs when the caretaking starts to overwhelm them. And in many, (perhaps most?) cases there comes a time when your parent's needs exceed what you can humanly provide. Some caregivers are aged themselves, compromising their own health to provide hands-on care, giving up employment, time otherwise spent with kids and grand-kids, compromising marriages, etc. If we place a parent in assisted living, memory care, or a nursing home, we feel guilty because we're not providing the care ourselves, or some "friend" or family member guilts us It becomes a losing prospect no matter what we do! If your parent is the "guilting" type, they will bombard you with FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt).

Your obligation to your mom is to make sure her needs are met. You don't necessarily have to be the actual pair of hands assisting with the showers, changing the depends, etc. Growing a thick skin and setting boundaries with your mom will go a long way toward diminishing your guilt. Remember, aging is just a part of living, as is death. It's inevitable unless you die young. You didn't make the rules. You didn't cause it. Focus on her needs. You will never be able to supply all her wants because it isn't possible. No guilt, Happy16. No guilt.
Happy16 Mar 2022
THank you sooooo much for that it really means so much and you are sooo right every word you wrote GUILT is is and of course thats what she tried to put towards us and i know i am sure she is going through her own not pleasant feelings BUT LIKE YOU said her needs are met safety them taking care of her etc.... and her being ok thats all i should be worrying about right now that her needs are met!!! THNAKKKKK YOUUUU

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lealonnie1 Mar 2022
You got some good advice yesterday when you posted about this very thing; give your mom time to adjust. Going there to see her constantly is GOING to cause you grief, period. She is GOING to continue complaining b/c she has your ear to complain into. If you don't go to see her for a week or so, there will be no ear to complain into, which will force her to socialize with the other residents of this 'rest home' and get acclimated. She needed more help than you were able to give her, which is why you placed her to begin with; not out of evil or malevolence. She is trying to make you feel guilty in an effort to make you take her back home, it's that simple. Expecting her to take your feelings into consideration at this stressful time in HER life is expecting too much, really. Leave her alone to process HER grief right now, and that's what she's feeling: grief. She doesn't want to be where she's at, she feels angry & alone at being 'put' there, and needs time to figure her way around the new digs and make a few friends. THEN she will probably be in a better emotional place to greet you in a civilized fashion. Until that time comes, however, she's going to bare her teeth at you. Your choice to stay away and avoid the lashing out, or to go there and suffer the consequences. But in reality, whenever an elder is placed in managed care, most facilities recommend the family stay AWAY for a week or two to allow the resident to adjust.

Remember why she's where she is in the first place: For her care & safety.
babsjvd Mar 2022
You said it so well!😎😎
babsjvd Mar 2022
Your mom needs time to adjust. Just like when we were in kindergarten, cried at having to go…
your mom is throwing a temper tantrum of sorts… try to let it go out one ear , and out the other…
take a break from her so you both adjust.
My mom didn’t like moving. It had to be done. I tried to move her near me before AL being needed, wouldn’t. She suffered emotionally, but that was caused by her own stubbornness.

give her time..
Happy16 Mar 2022
Thank you so much you are right just like a child> I once had a nurse say to me when your parents get older you are the parent and they are the children sooooo sooo true!!

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