Hello everyone,
So 2nd day of my mom being in a nursing home. She hates it and complains all the time!! MY mom had a sheltered life before this, never left her apartment, she loved being alone (has a little bit of depression). She is 85 years old. I LOVE my mom so much but she is causing my siblings and I so much grief when we see her she tells us how she is suffering there and that she cannot believe we did this to her put her there etc..... We are actually putting her into another facility which is actually a "rest home." It isn't considered a nursing home. We should have put her there to begin with. This place she is now is ok! Not really happy about it, but what I heard is all nursing homes are all the same. SOOOOOO my mother today is still miserable my sister is there now and she told my sister she is better off dead! YUP she says the meanest things to us and we are doing everything we can for her to try to make things easy etc........ I am getting to the point where I am actually not liking my mom anymore. She is being so hard and mean and it's causing me sadness and pain. And you know what? I am sure she is having a hard time tooo. BUT NOT once has she asked how we are, her kids!!! So am I being a bad daughter by feeling that I don't want to even see her right now or talk to her? She is making me sooooo not like her right now and actually I cannot believe this is my mom!! I thought my mom would atually care about how WE FELT, her children, for a minute. BUT nope. It's all about her. How miserable and unhappy she is and how we stuck her in a horrible place. God please help me!!!!!! THIS IS SOOOOOOOOOOOO hard. Thank god I have a patient boyfriend who is helping me cope. He is actually mad at my mom for doing this to me.
4 Answers
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Sorry for the grief you're going through. Because that's what it is: grief. Grief that you can't stop your mom's decline. Here's what I've observed: Children of aging parents feel guilt no matter what they do. If they care for their parents in-home, they eventually feel guilty for the burnout that occurs when the caretaking starts to overwhelm them. And in many, (perhaps most?) cases there comes a time when your parent's needs exceed what you can humanly provide. Some caregivers are aged themselves, compromising their own health to provide hands-on care, giving up employment, time otherwise spent with kids and grand-kids, compromising marriages, etc. If we place a parent in assisted living, memory care, or a nursing home, we feel guilty because we're not providing the care ourselves, or some "friend" or family member guilts us It becomes a losing prospect no matter what we do! If your parent is the "guilting" type, they will bombard you with FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt).
Your obligation to your mom is to make sure her needs are met. You don't necessarily have to be the actual pair of hands assisting with the showers, changing the depends, etc. Growing a thick skin and setting boundaries with your mom will go a long way toward diminishing your guilt. Remember, aging is just a part of living, as is death. It's inevitable unless you die young. You didn't make the rules. You didn't cause it. Focus on her needs. You will never be able to supply all her wants because it isn't possible. No guilt, Happy16. No guilt.
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Remember why she's where she is in the first place: For her care & safety.
your mom is throwing a temper tantrum of sorts… try to let it go out one ear , and out the other…
take a break from her so you both adjust.
My mom didn’t like moving. It had to be done. I tried to move her near me before AL being needed, wouldn’t. She suffered emotionally, but that was caused by her own stubbornness.
give her time..