My heart is heavy, I just need to talk to someone about what I am going through. My Mother in law moved from another state last year and she has always been close to my husband. So much so that it has created tensions in our marriage for the past 18 years. We almost broke up last year because of her.
When she moved to our state, she wanted to buy a new home, our neighbor was selling her house so my husband proposed that we would move in the neighbor's house while my mother-in-law would move into our house. When I refused, my husband got so mad at me and his mom was in full support of him, making me feel like I did something wrong for not wanting to move out of my own house. The deal with the neighbor's house failed and I was relieved to finally stay in my house. My mother-in-law ended up buying another house, 7 miles away from us. My husband and I talked about it and he told me that since his mom is now 81, he wants her to be as comfortable as possible.
We also decided that we will not be her caretaker and that we will hire help when the time comes. She is now 81, difficulty walking, completely dependent for all her chores, finances, groceries and my husband is doing it all. She also wants him to cut her hair, cut her nails, do her nails and run all errands that she can think of. It is so excessive that my husband is going through a burnout and refuses to acknowledge it.
Here comes the icing on the cake: months ago, she did look to hire a potential home care company but now, she changed her mind. And the worst part is that my husband and I used to travel every year and take a whole month vacation. She knows this and when we told her that we wanted to plan a vacation, then she said that she doesn't want to hire home care because she feels uncomfortable.
Instead, she wants my husband to drive her 600 miles from where we live, to stay with a family member and she wants him to come pick her up. Everything she wants, my husband makes it happen and he feels guilty if he doesn't do it. It is now affecting our marriage, we often argue because of her ongoing excessive requests and each time, my husband replies that she is older and that it is only for a season.
I am losing my mind, I need a break from this madness. It hurts me to see how he invests so much time and energy into her, yet he neglects me in the process. It hurts like hell, even though he says that he loves me, he doesn't realize the pain he causes me.
Sometimes, I have the feeling that my mother in law is doing this on purpose. Has anyone experienced a such situation? What can I do to protect my marriage? I am walking on thin ice obviously and I need a break from it all. I cry often when I am alone, I think it's so unfair that a mother could interfere this much into the life of her children, without taking any responsibilities.
She is now 81 and has been diagnosed with End Stage Renal Disease and I fear that she will ask us to take care of all of her needs, while we are already drained.
Thank you for your feedback.
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She owns her own home. It's a house. Not an apartment or an AL community. This means that a live-in caregiver/companion can be moved in without problems.
If she is "uncomfortable" with a hired caregiver painting her nails and doing her hair, ask her if she thinks not getting these things done would be more uncomfortable. Then you and your husband flatly refuse to do them again. If family 600 miles away want her to visit, they can arrange and pay for a flight to get her there and back. You and your husband offer to take her to the airport.
My mother was much of the reason why my first marriage broke up. I was very young and didn't understand things like gaslighting, guilt, and manipulation. I always thought everything was my fault because I was always wrong. I was raised to be the family scapegoat. My mother's narcissism and lifetime of untreated mental illness created it. Your husband could also have also been a victim of his mother's narcissism growing up.
From what you've said here, your MIL is definitely doing it all on purpose.
She has put herself into competition with you for your husband's attention and affection. She is jealous of you and wants to prove that her son will always choose 'mommy' over every other woman. Make this a contest she loses.
Tell your husband straight that either both of you go on your usual vacation for one month or you will leave him. Ask him if his mother being 'uncomfortable' with the idea of hired caregivers painting her nails is worth him losing his marriage over.
I'm pretty sure he'll choose you. Then go on that vacation and do not even call mother the whole time you're away. Communicate indirectly by talking to her caregivers that were hired or to friends and family that might be checking up on her.
The important thing is not to call her. She needs to learn that you and your husband are not going to be at her beck and call 24/7. She also needs to get the message that the day her son married, 'mommy' stops being the number one woman in his life. Good luck.
I know it is a difficult time for him too, so I do not dismiss this part. I try to let him spend as much time with her as possible without interfering however, I often feel alone and neglected. If only she would accept home care help, our life would be so much better. I know my husband wouldn't worry this much about her, knowing that she is taking care of.
It is difficult to approach the situation with ultimatum because now, she is ill. Even though she act like nothing is wrong with her, she cannot walk properly, she is in pain constantly, she needs help with the groceries, the bills, the everything you can think of. So I am always trying to find the best solution for her and to make sure that she is comfortable but I also want to protect my marriage. I think her behavior is truly excessive.
I now believe she has mild dementia, several things happened during the last few days that show a change in her brain function. In the light of that, her behavior could be explained by her lack of logic. My mom had dementia too and she made so many unreasonable requests before she was finally diagnosed. So I want to make sure my mother in law is properly diagnosed and when she is, I believe we will have our answers.
Now.... let's pray my husband understand at this point and hire home care for her. She is 100 percent dependent, she is losing mobility and she could end up being in a wheelchair very soon. I am thinking about it from all angles, that's what helps me in the process. I do have compassion for her, but in the same time, we need boundaries and when we help her, we need extra help so all the work doesn't fall on us.
Thank you for your message, I truly appreciate it.
Is she on hospice yet? If not, she should definitely be evaluated for that.
Have her current docs that diagnosed renal failure given an estimate on how long she can live in this condition?
Is her paperwork in order? Will, living will, POA, etc.?
Soooo many elders say they don't want helpers. Oh well. I feel like TOO BAD. It's so grossly unfair to expect sooo much of your husband.
Housecleaning? Hire someone today! Even though you are not doing it, your husband is at the end of his rope too and should not have that additional burden. That's a real easy one to offload. If she doesn't want to be there, have hubby bring her to your house for a few hours though that's kind of ridiculous too. My mom lives with me and complains every time the cleaning people come. I had to hire them (with her $) since she can not take care of her room or bathroom anymore. She's always saying maybe we should cancel this time and I say NOPE they are coming! Ugh.
There are many things your husband can get help with ASAP. Cutting the grass? Hire a service today. He should not be doing that. Home maintenance? Hire someone. Her nails? Good lord - take her to a nail salon for a nice mani/pedi as needed.
Shopping? Cut down on the amount of times he will go to the store or have groceries delivered. Amazon is an excellent source to have so very many things delivered right to her doorstep.
He can set some boundaries yet still be there for her.
As for your vacation - I say go for it! Tell hubby you really need a break and you understand if he does not want to go away right now you understand but you hope he can also understand that you could really use a vacation. Maybe even just go somewhere not too far away for a long weekend? Have a spa weekend! Get a massage, do yoga, eat well, read a good book, get in a hot tub. Pamper yourself - even if it's an hour away, it would still be a getaway and you could just relax!
Best of luck.
Since she is likely near the end of her life, your husband should spend his time WITH her, not doing all these chores!
This is so awful, so many times this woman has disrupted our happiness, but now the real culprit is my husband because he is acting like her son and forgets to be my husband.
I hope that there will soon be a light at the end of this tunnel. Thank you for your message, I am truly happy for all the support I received from this forum.
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1) Have you got all her paperwork in order? POA, Hippa (including you on the Hippa ‘just in case DH is not well’), DNR, Will etc? She is legally competent to sign now, and she may not be in future. Even getting all the paperwork in order may be a step in her working out that her time is coming. She needs to know that (whether she likes it or not) she is going to need more help than DH can provide.
2) Do you have a detailed diagnosis for the End Stage Renal Disease, with information about what care she will need? And also a best-guess about how long she still has to live? If it’s not long, perhaps you can cope with more than if it’s 3+ years.
3) DH is spending his time looking after his mother, but you are spending your time looking after him. Can you get yourself out of the picture for a while – a fake illness, a need to visit your own relations, a booked holiday that you can’t cancel? You may be complaining, but you are still propping him up. If you can find a way to stop, he may be more realistic about what he can do and what are his own best interests. With you somewhere else, it isn't just an argument with you.
4) Can you find alternative transport to take her the 600 mile return trip while you are on vacation, for which of course she needs to pay? It’s easy for her to ask when there’s no down-side for her. Get the real costs on the table, for all of you.
I think it’s clear that elders often have good intentions, which fade from their minds as they age and any change seems too difficult. You have a marriage at stake, MIL has nothing to lose by insisting, and at present DH has nothing to lose by agreeing with mother. How can you change the dynamic? Perhaps these suggestions may prompt you to think of other approaches. Yours, Margaret
it breaks my heart to see him like this. But as soon as he is feeling better, he is back to the same routine with his mom, so that is the dynamic. And if I share with him how I feel about his lack of attention towards me, then I become the bad guy.
In reading your message, I see a new possibility. I can stop complaining and I can start making a change by simply changing the way I react to it. This is truly empowering.
Thank so you much for your feedback. I sincerely appreciate it.
Your husband has abandoned his marriage vows! This is HIS choice, not yours. You've done nothing wrong but coddle him when he doesn't deserve it!
I'm going to now refer "mommy" as the "other woman" in this marriage, because that's what she is! She's a home wrecker in her own special way and she is using your husband for whatever she can get. Just as a gold digger does.
Don't wait another dark day in your precious life!
Take your FAIR share of the money and open an account of your own that he DOES NOT have access to. He WILL use it for the other woman believe me!
After your new account has been established, tell him you are booking the usual month long vacation (using his share of the money cause he owes it to you!)
It's now his choice to decide to go on vacation or stay with the other woman. If he goes, he has to make all arrangements and take the other woman to wherever she is staying or have hired help in place when it's time to leave, because you are going on leave on the date with or without him. ( no waiting on an extra bit of time. Let him struggle because you are finally putting yourself in control.)
You are NOT to do any more favors or help him in any way! That means no sex, massages etc!
If he decides to go, great! Perhaps he will have a chance while on vacation to realize how far down her rabbit hole she has taken him.
If he chooses to stay with this other woman, even after vacation, then you've got 2 options. 1. Cancel vacation and get your own place with the money and move out, change your phone# and don't tell him your new address. or 2, tell him you are going alone on the month vacation since he refuses to leave the other woman's side. He will be forced to cook, clean 2 houses, yard work, cater to the other woman etc. Believe me when i say, life will be VERY hard for him without you while you are on some sunny beach soaking up the rays or doing whatever you feel inclined to do. This time is for him to decide which woman it's going to be... you or her. It gives him a second chance of time to either hire full time help for his mom with HER funds or place her into assisted living also her funding.
Make it very clear that if at the least hired help is not in place at the end of your vacation, you will not return home and that you WILL be filing for a divorce because you've been down this dead end path before and you're not going down it again.
If he chooses the other woman, then you got your answer. Let him fend fit himself ...fix his own meals, clean up and do his own laundry.. ya know a continuation of when you were on vacation.
File for your divorce. If he thinks he's got problems now, just wait! He'll perhaps need to sell the house to get your share of equity, then he will be forced to live with said other woman.
Once divorce is settled, you are free to go and do whatever your heart desires.
Meanwhile, he has chosen to be the other woman's slave so he gets to do what his heart desires. It's a win win win for all 3 of you in this marriage !
After other woman passes, he'll find you and come running back with flowers, gifts, apologies and promises of doing better because he realizes how much he misses you, loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you.
That's when you simply tell him, he made it very clear when given both ultimatums where his loyalties lie and you're not nor will ever be his top priority. Simply say you're not interested, please place flowers on other woman's grave or give them to someone else who might really care because you no longer do. Smile at him tell him you wish him the best always and close and LOCK the door on him. Never will he take advantage of you again. If you don't grow a strong backbone, you'll be here again asking for more advice.
I wish you the best of luck with your unfaithful husband. Many hugs to you because you deserve it!
It is very difficult to say "no" to one's parent and to set boundaries. I know I had to learn to say "no, I cannot possible do that" for things I could no longer do.
My parents were viewing me as a 35 year old with a lot of energy instead of being 65 years old, with my own age related issues. Plus I was still working full-time. My energy levels were drained.
I really think your mother-in-law would be so much happier living in senior independent living where she is around people closer to her own age. I remember when I Dad moved from his house to his 2 bedroom apartment which had a living room and a complete eat-in kitchen he was happy as a clam. He wished he knew about such a place earlier on. He had weekly housekeeping and weekly linen service as part of his rent. Plus 3 menu meals in the restaurant style dining rooms. The women were all dressed to the nines.
As for hiring caregivers, your mother-in-law needs to pay for that, not you and your husband. Any retirement you and hubby have is there for your OWN retirement years. Otherwise your savings could be wiped out quickly if you start paying for Mom.
I wish you luck, this situation is a tough one.
Now, she refuses to hire any help, she refuses to hire home care, and she tells my husband that she is not comfortable with strangers coming to her house. So in other words, she is telling my husband that she wants him to do everything for her. Comes Sunday evening, she sends him a one mile list of things to do, from going to the store to cut her hair, cut her nails, cut the lawn, take her to the post office, pays bills online, call the bank ect... ecf... And everytime I try to reason my husband that she is exaggerating and that he can do a few things at the time instead of making the whole list a priority, he tells me that he got this and that he is happy to help her.
The part that hurts me the most is that all the energy and all the attention that he used to give me is now going towards her. Even though I can understand that this is his mother and that I am willing to share some of our time with her, it's getting insane.
Thank you so much for your answer, knowing that someone understands what I am going through makes the journey a little easier this evening.
Seems its a fight you are not going to win. You really do not want him blaming you because he feels he could have done more for her. Maybe a compromise. One day a week is for you two only. A date.
Please go on a vacation YOURSELF. It could be a week at a resort hotel, a cruise or a tour of some country or city that you've alway longed to visit. Just do it.
DH is married to mom. Maybe your jaunt will wake him up to this, maybe not. But stop going out of your mind trying to change his. Get on with what you'd like to do.
I saw your comments on walking on eggshells. That is a very tough situation in a marriage.
Understand this is really a husband situation as he refuses to outsource things even though there is the money to hire caregivers.
Let him go solo on the 600 mile trip with Mom. You do your own thing.
Reconnect with friends. Reconnect with neighbors. Do things with your kids.
Houses of worship have classes and groups. Connect with others there.
Step way back. Let husband do what he is going to do (you can't change him).
Take that solo vacation.
Life is about change and growth. Marriage is about change and growth.
Prioritize yourself. Step way back.
I'd hire a once a month cleaning service for MIL and stop cleaning MIL's house.
It could be husband moves in with MIL for the last 6 months or so of MIL's life. Be prepared for that and keep living your life.
Now, if she was not THIS sick, my advice would be totally different. But with things as they are, I would stick around for DH, be there for him AND for your MIL now. Get a house cleaning service to come into to clean her house though, b/c ya gotta draw the line SOMEWHERE, and physically killing yourself scrubbing floors is over the top. Be 'the good wife & daughter in law' now that the end is near and be supportive and loving for both of them (not that you haven't in the past), it's just that NOW is a critical time where they both need your strength & support. Don't take a vacation alone, b/c where's the fun in that anyway? If you need an escape from all the stress that's going on, check into a spa hotel for a few days; get the works; massages, hair/nails/facial/saunas, all they have to offer, including room service. That will relax you and recharge your batteries for what lies ahead with the end-of-life process. DH will need you; it's hard to go thru this w/o a loving spouse; I just lost my mother, so I know I would have fallen apart w/o my DH next to me the whole time.
Look into getting MILs doctor to write an order for a hospice evaluation for her, if this hasn't happened already. She can either go into a hospice home or get them to come into her home to care for her. Beware, however, that they will only come in for short periods of time and not daily until she is actively dying. It will be on you and DH or caregivers that you HIRE to care for the woman personally. She can go into a Skilled Nursing Facility, but, she'd have to agree to it, and so would DH. Your best bet may be to get her and DH to agree to hiring 24/7 caregivers to come into the home; explain to DH that neither one of you are QUALIFIED to care for end of life RENAL FAILURE and unless he wants her to die in the hospital, then this is the best avenue to take: in home CGs with hospice coming in as an extra layer of support and to administer comfort meds as needed; hospital bed/supplies, all paid for by Medicare. DH has to prepare for the end now; as the 'good son', he has to do the 'right thing' for his mother, and trying to care for her all alone isn't the 'right thing'. See if you can get that through to him now, so you can formulate a care plan moving forward and don't have to deal with the situation on an emergency basis!!!
I realize your MIL does not 'want' strangers in her home; but DH is going to have to tell her that you & he are not equipped/qualified to care for her at THIS level of illness, and that caregivers must be brought in or she must go into Skilled Nursing for daily care. He can't manage a mile long list of demands from her, either........he's got to see that a compromise MUST be reached here. If not, then I guess you have no other alternative BUT to stay OUT of the picture while he runs himself ragged. Come back into the fray when she's literally on her death bed with a week or less to live; then you can be his rock. I doubt he's doing all this b/c he 'doesn't love or respect you'......it's to do with his 'guilt' that mother installed in him and feelings of obligation that's too late to change. Sad but true.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult and draining situation.
"he feels that he needs to provide and give her what she has asked for"
WHY? Why does he feel he cannot say No?
You can't force him out of his own F.O.G & there may not be time.. so just stick to your own boundaries & say a polite no when you need to.
Thank you so much for your message, I truly appreciate it.