Am I wrong for wanting to tell my mother how much her physical and mental abuse impacted my life before she passes?

Write your letter. Pour out your heart in that letter. Write as much as you want what she has done to you. As you write, envision you are telling this to her face. List everything she had done and how it affected you. When you are done, sign it and seal it in an envelope with her name on it then put it aside until the time comes when your mother has died. Then have it placed in her casket or burned with her cremation. Those words she will take with her and you should have your closure. Bereavement counseling could help with your closure.

Your mother has no 'empathy, compassion or shame', meaning, she is incapable of responding to your words, or of feeling anything from them at all. You're looking for a human response from a sociopathic individual. Why would you expect a normal reaction from an abnormal person? When you tried to broach the subject in the past, YOU were treated like a crazy person. So what's this letter going to do now? She's going to 'acknowledge' her wrongdoing to you b/c she's dying, have some sort of epiphany & call to apologize to you? That's about as likely as a snowstorm in Florida in August.

So, if you want to write a letter to bare your soul; to get it all out of YOUR system for YOU, do it, but don't mail it b/c you'll then wait for a response which will never come.

Soon enough your mother will pass and finally understand the impact she had on you; how her behavior affected you and others. That is 'hell' and she will see, through your eyes, what all that abuse did to you. That is my belief, anyhow.

However you decide to handle this matter, best of luck to you in getting past this terrible abuse that was doled out to you. You certainly deserved better, and you deserve better NOW than you will wind up getting from her in the way of an apology that will never come.

Look, the only part of her that could respond is that which has compassion, empathy and shame. Otherwise she won’t care.

Instead of sending the letter, I would burn it over moms symbolic or actual ashes.

Harrysmom, I think you should write the letter; but for you, not for your mom. As Katykat just said, your mom won't acknowledge it. Never say never but from what you've stated I doubt she has the capacity or ever had the capacity to give you what you want.

I think the closure will come for you by writing it out though. Write it out and release it to the universe. Maybe light it on fire after your mom passes. Symbolic for releasing it

No, I don't think you're horrible for wanting this. I just wonder if there's any point in writing a letter to her at this stage, because she may not be capable of understanding.

It's a funny kind of justice, as I've said before...those parents who were abusive in their younger days were protected from hearing the truth by their sense of denial then, and now when they're elderly, they're protected from the truth by confusion and/or Dementia.

As others have said, write the letter for yourself, get it all out, then burn it to let it go once and for all.

Once your mom is gone, the abuse will stop but only if you stop reliving it over and over and keeping it alive.

I don't think you are horrible. Far from it.
I also agree with all others here that your Mother is/was too flawed for such a letter to make even a particle of a difference to either her or to you.
What concerns me is that you are reaching your own elder years unable to have had help to come to peace with the abuse you suffered as a child for the simple fact of being born to someone incapable, flawed, perhaps psychotic.
I am sad to think that you believe that there is some redemption, some "something" here to be gained with leveling your truth on someone now simply because she cannot fight back. I am sad you have continued to have any contact with her whatsoever. I am afraid you believe deep down that this is a last chance for an apology (that would do no good whatsoever) that will never happen. I am afraid that after saying you "piece" you will be feel remarkably unrewarded for it.
I would suggest you seek counseling help to put to rest with whatever rituals you choose the hope and belief that there is a way to go back and change that you were born to someone thusly so remarkably flawed. It is HER grief that she was unable to love her children.
There was a movie out there, old one, with Jean Tierney and Cornell Wilde, about an evil woman. Called "Leave her to Heaven". A wonderful film. Not knowing if you are a believer or not (I am not) I suggest that you "Leave her to Heaven". And begin the gratifying work toward peace in your heart.

Hi all,

I was overwhelmed by the thoughtful, caring, and kind responses to my question, and I am so grateful to each and every one of you who took the time from your busy days to respond. Having so many folks willing to help a complete stranger with a vexing issue was a profoundly humbling experience.

There was a lot to unpack in terms of the variety of answers and advice everyone offered. I wrote a letter - in fact, rewrite followed rewrite followed rewrite, until I had a result I was comfortable with. There was no nastiness, no name-calling, no laundry list of brutality or specific actions and deeds referenced. My mother knows what she did. I also wished her comfort in her days and peace in her heart and mind; and regretted that we never had the loving mother/daughter bond others share.

I thought a great deal about all the advice you had shared, and many of you mentioned forgiveness. So I offered her that, but only after I expressed to her how much damage her abuse had caused - because I needed her to know that. (And maybe it was time for me to be a little selfish for a change.) I needed her to know what her abuse cost me throughout my life; relationships that I could never trust, years and years of therapy, the loss of potential and self-esteem that plagued me for so long. And then I wrote that I forgave her for that, but that I would never forget.

Please know that I went into this never expecting anything in return from her. Not acknowledgement, not acceptance, not understanding, and most certainly not an apology. So there will be no more hurt from her to me.

There seemed to be two schools of thought on whether or not to send the letter, and for days I vacillated, wondering what would help me the most. In the end, I sent it.

I feel a great sense of freedom and relief, having in essence severed ties with her for good. I will not see or speak to her again, and I am fine with that.

As an aside, I should have made clear in my original post is that my mother was actually diagnosed with NPD by a psychiatrist (who wasn't looking for that, but hit on it during a comprehensive mental exam a few years back). I agree that lay people probably shouldn't bandy terms like that freely about, as one person suggested, but in my mother's case, it was a valid medical diagnosis.

To all of you who shared your experiences that were so much like mine, please know that I stand with you and feel your pain. It takes courage and a certain amount of grace to share the brutality of abuse with the world at large. And to all of you that took the time to help a stranger, I am deeply and humbly grateful for your generosity.

Harrysmom

At this point the only person it will help by writing your letter is you. I'm with the others in that I think it's important to write it and get everything off your chest, but I would not have your mom read it or have it read to her.
And might I even suggest that as your writing it that you even take the time to write in it that you forgive her, as until you do, you will never be able to fully heal and move forward in your life, and live the life that God meant for you.
It's hard to forgive, this I know. I was sexually abused by my father for 11 years and my mother chose to ignore it, even though she knew it was going on.
After many years and after going to a support group for survivors of sexual abuse, I finally came to the point where I knew for my own healing and wellbeing that I was going to have to forgive them both. And because I live in NC and they lived in WI, I too wrote them a letter sharing how the abuse affected me, but also in it I let them know that I forgave them. And I truly did. I did mail them the letter( as they both were still alive then)and it was like a 50 lb. weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I could then start my real healing.
I hope that after you write the letter that you will seek some type of counseling as you've hung on to this for far too long. It's time to forgive(no you'll never forget)and start living and enjoying the life God has intended for you.
God bless you.

Write the letter, pour it all out, and then burn it. Your mother isn’t capable of understanding your anguish, you’ll have to accept that her “getting it” isn’t possible. I’m sorry you never had the mom you needed and wish you much healing and peace