How to set boundaries with my mother? She has numerous health issues, is 65 years old, but is capable and adequately able bodied.

If you continue to do everything, she doesn't want to do it will never end. She is young by today's standards and is manipulating you.

I am 75, just returned from driving my motor home, towing a car over 6000 miles, all by myself.

Set your boundaries and enforce them, if she can do it for herself then you do not do it for her.

If she decides to cancel a doctor's visit that is on her, not you. You have taught her how to treat you, it is you, not her.

This process is only as hard as you make it, NO is a complete sentence, not up for discussion. She could live for another 20+ years, is this really how you want to live your life? Think!

THIS is one of many reasons I told my parents I would not be taking them into my home in their later years to do hands on caregiving. It wasn't dad that was the problem, it was mom, who was very much like you describe your mother. She and I were always oil & water. Mom did nothing independently, NOTHING, yet everything anyone did for her was 'wrong' or 'imperfect' or not the way SHE would have done it, yet she DID nothing FOR herself. Know the drill? Chronically complaining about how she was given a 'raw deal' in life when in reality, she wasn't! It was everyone else that SHE gave the raw deal to, due to her insufferable behavior!!!

So, when I had to move the folks out to my state to be close to me after dad couldn't drive anymore and (of course) Queen Mom refused, I got them set up in Independent Senior Living, then moved them into Assisted Living, then eventually Memory Care AL for mom as her dementia progressed. Dad died 10 months after they'd gone into Assisted Living, and the RESIDENTS of AL kept mom on her feet and functioning afterward! Had I not moved them into AL, mom would have been MY burden entirely to deal with! Not that she wasn't, but at least she was not living in my house and others were looking after her, not ME. Others were in charge of entertaining her, not ME. The doctor came into the AL to see her, meaning I didn't have to schlep her around. Oh, I did plenty, what with all of her hospitalizations, rehabs, ENT visits for vertigo, the list is endless. But at the end of the day, I dropped her off to be someone else's problem at the AL. I realize you don't live with your mother (THANK GOD) but she considers you her Entertainment Committee and Scratching Post, so you've got to figure out how to change that dynamic STAT!

You have a special needs son whom your mother is verbally abusing. Not okay. He is your number 1 concern in life, not an entitled and passive/aggressive mother who's telling you how 'sorry you'll be when she's dead.' Yeah, I don't think so, sorry ma. I listened to my mother threaten to 'throw herself out the window' or 'run out in traffic' for the past 10.5 years, and for 5 decades prior to that b/c she was ALWAYS 'dying' or trying to 'kill herself' which was just a passive/aggressive manipulation technique to keep me at her beck and call & emotionally blackmailed. Her 'my way or the highway' lifestyle didn't fly with me, which is why she lived where OTHERS had to put up with her and not ME!

Women like this need to be told *in my opinion* to Sit Down & Shut Up. They aren't, so they're running hog wild over everyone else's life, insisting they get what they want, abusing others with their forked tongues, and wreaking havoc wherever they go. It's up to YOU to tell her to sit down and shut up, but not literally; you can do so by setting down firm boundaries starting with this: The next time you speak like that to your grandson mom, you are OUT OF MY HOME and not coming back. Period. You'll see how fast she stops doing that, after she has a meltdown over being told what to do, and insisting she Did Nothing Wrong to begin with. Snicker.

Read Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend, a good book to get you started.

Read this great article to glean some tips about how to deal with narcissistic personalities who are also passive/aggressive:

https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/

I'm sure you get the Silent Treatment when things don't go Mother's way, too, right? Oh I know it well! It's actually a nice REPRIEVE from the chronic BS, isn't it? :)

Wishing you the best of luck putting yourself & your son first now, and seeing what senior residential community you can get mom into to live. Make her someone ELSE'S problem is the best advice you'll get.

This sounds really untenable. It's not just about you living your life; it's about preserving your nuclear family unit. Your son and your marriage need you more than your mother does right now. I hope you find a solution. You are totally justified.

You may even want to get some tips from a therapist on how to deal with her. Just the fact that you have given so much of yourself to a relatively fit, young senior says that you may need help extricating yourself from this situation.

Numerous health issues. But well and able. Yup. A good description of ME overall.
So you have a wonderful family, but with many family issues you need to deal with; and of course they are your first OBLIGATION.
Yet you are enabling a well and very manipulative, as well as unpleasant mother to run your life?
This is something I am afraid will be beyond the expertise of average folk on a Forum to help you with.
I think you should see a therapist and would suggest a Licensed Social Worker who is trained in counseling and therapy and in private practice. They are great at working on combing through life transitions work. They may help you find insight and options you cannot now see.
If you are caregiving a WELL 65 year old, I at 80 years of age, and ALSO well, want to know why? This is enmeshing your own life, the plate of which is full to overflowing, with your Mother's. Has she no interests? No hobbies? And if not, then the question to her is WHY NOT? I have reading, a garden, walking, junk shopping, knitting, sewing kimonos, podcasts, animal rescue and fostering, a few late night TV shows, and I have only time to shoot some texts off to my 60 year old daughter to say "Hi" some days. (I will be with her soon for almost a month and can't wait, and I can rest assured that between us there will be no harsh words and recriminations. Just fun and wonderful times together whether picking rocks off the beach, cooking together, or a casino jaunt, plant nursery or side trip off to see the grandson.)
I would like to tell you this. Your choices are your own. If my Mom ever had shouted at me "You will be sorry when I am dead" in THESE circumstances I would yell back "I doubt that VERY MUCH, and your grandson will be THRILLED".
So, please get help. Then make the best choices you can for your life, and know you will be living with the consequences of them. IT IS YOUR CHOICE.
As to Mom, maybe she will decide, in desperation to get a hobby. Maybe she will find someone ELSE to make miserable.Who knows. And I couldn't care less.
I surely do wish you the very best. Just now it seems you are your own worst enemy. Mom is only a second. I hope you will get help.
And just an aside. NO ONE would abuse my daughter or my grandson in front of MY face, or they would do it at their peril.
Some on Forum believe it is our duty to "make nice" with our questioners. That wouldn't be me. You have done us the honor of being honest about your life. I have been honest back. I think sometimes we need a good dose of honesty to shake us up and to wake us up.

TO EVERY READING/REPLYING

This is a poem I wrote a few weeks ago...

What About Me


 What about me, you cry at my side,
Can you just take me along for the ride?
What about me you ask each time,
But I wonder when my time will be mine.
When do I get to be me?
Without having to ask when I can be free.
What about me you ask once more,
Id like to do that and be there to see.
But what about me I cry out of bore,
I want to be free to be me and explore.

Let me understand the scenario: Your mom is 65 year old, does not work, has some health issues, but nothing terribly serious to keep her from helping herself, and expects you to keep her company/entertain her for days on end? No. Just no. It's time for her to pull up her "big girl panties" and look after herself. Of course you will be there for her and visit with her, but you can't be her full-time companion. Just say no. A time will come when she will really need your assistance. That time is not now.

Oceana,

I am happy for you that you've found a new place and moved. That's good because it can be a good start.
You have to stop enabling your mother's passive/aggressive behavior of learned helplessness and abusive gaslighting.
From what you say about her she can function as a normal adult.
You do not have to become her parent and take her by the hand and do every little thing for her like a child. Stop spending so much time with her. Four days a week for multiple house is WAY TOO much time to spend with a person who is not an invalid and can do for themselves. You're not doing her a favor being with her so much. What you are doing is enabling her to be needy and clingy. You cannot be her social life. She will never get a life of her own if you continue to let her run yours. Please don't let her look after your autistic special needs child. He doesn't understand his grandmother's abusive manipulation towards him or you. Don't leave him with her alone again.
She sounds very much like my mother. The next time she says something like 'You'll be sorry when I'm dead'. Your response should be two simple words: 'Not likely'. Then let that be the end of it.
My mother is extremely jealous that I've reconciled with my ex-husband. So, she's been doubling-down on the verbal abuse and gaslighting. I ignore her. She's almost 20 years older than your mother, so she can't at this point get a life of her own. Then again she's been this way since she was a young woman in her early 40's. I'm not willing to give any more of my life in her service. You should do the same.
Start visiting your mother once a week and not for eight and ten hours at a time. As long as it takes to have a meal and coffee is enough of a visit. Don't take her to every doctor's appointment or to run every errand. Get her a home/health aide companion. You're in the UK so it might not even cost anything out of pocket.
You will never be able to have a healthy mother/daughter relationship with her if you continue to live in a domestic servant/master employer relationship with her.
Stop enabling her nonsense and make her start doing for herself. It's for her own good.

Oceana, I feel like you have good insight to your situation.
I also feel you are taking steps & building your strength.

Change IS hard. But you don't need great big walls built by tomorrow. Building what you need can be done in stepping stones, then some steps up, then a fence or too before any big walls.

I found the hardest thing was to changing my thinking. From 'I must do this/that/help/fix' to 'I can choose for myself'.

A reasonable adult would accept you have your own life too & wish you grace to live it. Sharing time together would be that - sharing time. Not this pressure of being their daily workhorse & emotional saviour.

I'm not blaming Mum for her ways. It can happen for whatever reason (hard childhood, life experiences, personalities, even disability, aging decline).

Your Mum may need a lot of help & be lonely too.

But this does not mean you have to be the sole person to do everything.

"I asked "what would you do if I dropped dead?"
And she said the council would have to help her then, but because I'm alive they won't".

This is incorrect. The council won't help because she won't ask them. She won't ask them because she is not forced to. Coz while you meet all her needs she won't look at *non-you* alternatives.

Fear of 'randoms' is a natural response & very very common.

A much used way to break through this is a council cleaning person. Folks get over 'random' & start to build trust. Then you build on other services as required.

Maybe call the council yourself? See if Mum qualifies for a cleaner eg once a fortnight. Arrange it. Tell her it is a trial. Then you step back a little (especially from any cleaning). Let Mum set her cleaning preferences herself.

Set an aim for yourself to whittle down your help to 2 fixed days a week. Your calendar is yours. You go when it suits you BOTH - not just Mum. Remove the *at beck & call* from your mindset would be a great starting point. Your time/wants/wishes are just as valuable a her needs/wants/wishes.

Oceana, it doesn't matter what she "picks on".

Boundaries is not about HER recognizing her poor behavior. It's about YOU telling her that her behavior is unacceptable and that you will no longer sit around and take it.

The minute she gets nasty, shouts at Nate, argues with you, you get up and leave, saying nicely "we will see you another time when you're feeling better".

No engagement. No argument. Just...leave.

Oceana,

If as you say you are sick of listening to it, then stop listening to it.
You could also tell your mother that you will pick up her bra (not her) at the store when you get around to it. Then that's the end of it. Don't give her the chance to throw in a snide criticism or a measure of passive/aggressive guilt-tripping.
You sound like a nice person who wants to be helpful. However you also sound like a someone who never learned how to shut someone down while still caring.
Start with this. The next time (and there will be a next time) your mother gives you her passive/aggressive or entitled crap, let these be your new responses.

When she starts up about all she's done for you and you give her nothing back tell her this:

'You are the parent not me. It's the parents job to provide for their children. If they don't then the law comes after them. You don't get points for doing what the law demanded of you'.

When you get the entitled behavior over what she deems "her time" here is your new response:

'I am not your employee. I do not receive a paycheck from you.
You're actually not entitled to any of my time. Whatever I give you is because I love and care and I will not tolerate ingrate behavior'.

Try these responses out. Stand up to her a bt otherwise you will get no respect and your relationship with her will get worse.

My mother has always enjoyed fighting. She knows how to insitgate without it neccesarily looking like she's instigating.
She'll start with something political so it doesn't start off personal. In fact she tried that today and it's been a while. My response to shut it down before it started up was:

'You don't care about anyone other than yourself. So really it doesn't make any difference in your world who's in office'.

Then I walked away aand got her breakfast.