Spouse and I have opposite views on helping our elderly moms. Any suggestions?

Anonymous, welcome!

It would help us if you told us your and mom's ages as well as how old your kids are. I'm sure you can see that it would make a difference if your kids are 3 and 5 or 19 and 21.

I have a bad habit of "swooping". If anyone presents we with a problem, I tend to swoop in to solve it. It disables the other person from solving their own problems.

When my dad died when mom was 72, we helped her set up things so that she could remain independent. She needed to understand her financial situation and she needed paid help for household tasks like deep cleaning, car repair, snow removal and household maintenance.

This board is literally littered with lives and marriages ruined by folks who overextended themselves because they thought they were obligated to prop up their parents' charade that they were independent.

If your mom is going to be independent, she needs systems in place for support AND she needs to have the presence of mind to use those resources. If she can't do that, she needs to re-think the level of support needed to maintain herself.

If you are an older single person who drives, you need roadside assistance. Can she change a tire? Then she needs either AAA or figure out if one of her credit cards offers a similar service.

And what's the situation with his mother? Is he also getting tense about how much help she's beginning to need, and maybe frustrated when she doesn't follow his advice?

He's not wrong to be on high alert, you know.

And you're not wrong to think that five months is not very long for your mother to be rebuilding her life as a widow.

Mind you, if she's going to continue as a car driver then yes she should have roadside assistance. What if you'd been out? Add getting that sorted to her To Do list.

When you're anxious about something happening, such as getting caught in an avalanche of care needs and demands, it's easy to lose your sense of proportion. Say your mother quite frequently calls on you for help, that can quickly come to feel to him as though she *always* calls you instead of figuring a thing out for herself. It isn't always, but it does feel like it.

Perspective. Proportion. Communication. Those are the things that you both need to work on, and recognize that you both want the same goal: happy, confident, safe mothers, managing independently.

WoW! Only 64 and helpless? Where does the elderly status come from, maybe 50 years ago, but today, no. Help her learn how to take care of herself, plan for her life.

Yes, make a plan to get her on her feet, then do what you should be doing making your children & husband your priority.

Set a timeline and advise your husband of what it is, share your progress with him, so that he will start to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

I think you have to extend your mother some grace right now b/c her husband recently passed away. She may be a bit more needy right now due to that huge loss and feeling a hole in her life that cannot be filled, so she looks for help from everyone she can get.

Sit down with DH and have an honest conversation about mom. Tell him you want to help her BECOME a bit more independent, but that it won't happen overnight (most likely). What time frame does HE think would be reasonable? Go from there. Remember, HE has a TRULY elderly mother (where you do not) who WILL need plenty of help coming up here at some point. Are you planning to have a meltdown when HE needs to go to his mom's side to help her? Probably not, is my guess. Because it's team work on both parts here that makes the dream work, I always say that. You can't expect empathy from DH with your mom and have none for him with his mom (not that that would be the case, just citing an example). Have THAT talk with him; that you plan to be there for HIS mom in her time of need, and would like that same courtesy extended to you and your mom.

Then get busy teaching mom to fish rather than giving her free fish. Like that old adage goes:
Give a man a fish and feed him for a day
Teach a man to fish and feed him for life.

Mom needs to learn how to stand on her own two feet now, w/o a husband and w/o a daughter to do everything FOR her. Mom has to do for HERSELF now, with once-in-a while help from you. Sign up for AAA, get a job to subsidize a fixed income, even if it's work from home, volunteer your time with sick kiddos, things like that. Get back into the business of living now, in other words. Make plans to be self sufficient mom, it's time now. Slowly but surely, hopefully she will do just that.

If not, she needs to think about moving into a senior apartment whereby there are lots of senior activities to partake in. And other seniors to schmooze with and no upkeep of her home to speak of. Look into affordable places like that NOW and get mom's name on the waiting list. You'll be glad you did. You don't want another child to raise in addition to your real children. I had one of those, my mother, and promptly got her into Independent Living and then Assisted Living which turned into Memory Care. Had I not done that, the woman would have sucked me dry in short order. Or, dryER than she did in the 10.5 years she lived close by.

Have a plan and stick to that plan, you and DH together. Present a united front in how you intend to deal with mom and you'll be stronger together as a result. He feels neglected b/c you're spending too much time with mom, plus he sees the handwriting on the wall about the future when she will be even NEEDIER than she already is. Not good. Nip this in the bud now, that's my suggestion. But in a planned and executed way, kindly, and together, you and he.

GOOD LUCK!

I am 63 and unless I was terminally ill , I would not expect my children to help me in anyway. Your mother should be very much independent and if she’s not, she needs to learn how to be. Your children are more important and the family that you made should come first

I suggest that you BOTH need to give in a little. Elderly parents should never expect that one child (almost always a daughter) takes it all on. You can only do so muchAND your marriage is now
your principal relationship. Husband should be there for you as well, which might mean pitching in a bit.
But husband & kids come first AS DOES YOUR HEALTH & wellbeing. It’s a balancing act for most of us: give Mom love & support, but never lose sight of which relationship you must put first.

Could you let us know a bit more about ages, your mother’s health and abilities, and her long term plans?

You lost your father only recently, and unexpectedly, so it’s natural for you to be a bit ‘cling-y’ about your mother, as well as upset yourself.

If she wants to live separately and be independent, then helping her too much is going to lead to dependency, not independence. It will be much ‘nicer’ for your mother to call you and have your help, than to work out how to cope herself. It can get to be an expectation very quickly. If independence is to be practical, you all need to make plans that don’t include running to help frequently. If real independence isn't practical, you still need to make plans, but different plans.

Does your husband need to be involved every time you help? Are your kids old enough to pick up a bit of slack if you need to go yourself? This could be when you put meals in the freezer or they learn to cook, for example. Perhaps you need to agree on a block of time, eg to sort out finances, following which you can back off a bit.

As is so often the case, it’s best to sit down together and work out a plan, rather than have friction over each time something comes up. I hope that you can all get it together, best wishes Margaret

Thanks all for the insight, I must clarify though; I see/talk to my mom about once a week. I feel like that is not a lot to be doing to help her out. Maybe it is a lot?
She is not helpless, but I feel like she just doesnt know. I am hoping to be able to have the short help for her and her learn from it. "Like the teach to fish comment" ( I like).
And sorry, hopefully nothing comes to everyone as me being sensitive or offensive. I have a hard time communicating as it is and writing isnt much easier.

Your husband is correct. IF you have a 2 and 4 year old you really need to focus on your family.

I'm 62 years old. Everyone that I know that is from 62-67 is working at paid jobs in my circle.

If money is tight can Mom get a job?

Churches have free grief support groups where Mom can meet new friends.

Can you get Mom grief counseling? Sometimes it is available at no charge.

If money is tight for Mom the emphasis should be on getting her working. She will meet new friends at work and become more self sufficient.

AA membership is $50. I'd get her a membership and tell her how to use it.

Thanks all for the responses, I appreciate them all! My kids are 2 and 4 with my mom being 64. She is capable to handle herself, but I think she might be in the learning phase of what outside sources might be available. I like the overall consensus to find out what type of sources are available for use, like Aaa and roadside type. It would make sense to take a little time now to sit down with her and help her set up something now vs. Waiting until it is something needed now and us being away.
This has been a very helpful forum to get an extra perspective. Thanks again