How do you push the issue of assisted living?

You don't 'convince' them to leave. You tell them they are leaving or you will serve them with eviction.
When your mother starts up with the nonsense of how they gave you all their money, shut her down. Tell her that you refuse to discuss that ridiculous lie and that the ramps and entry modifications certainly was for their benefit, not yours. Doing this work to your house has actually decreased its value. Then tell her that for four years her and your father have been living rent-free, eating for free, using utilities for free, and being cared for - once again for free. So really, any money they spent modifying your house so that they could live there is a drop in the bucket of what's been put out for them by you and your husband. Do not tolerate one moment of complaining or fussiness from either of them anymore.
Offer to take them to tour different AL facilities. Try to look for facilities that also have a separate area that offers skilled nursing and memory care if needed. DO NOT pay for any of their care.
Do not put up with this **** for one more day. Make your meaning plain that they are leaving whether they agree to or not.

I think Countrymouse hit the nail on the head, frankly. You can't 'convince' your folks to move to AL, not gonna happen. Sell the house, split the proceeds, giving them back the money they 'gave' you to fix it up FOR them, then go your separate ways, making it CRYSTAL CLEAR from the get-go that you will NOT be cohabitating again. Period. Serving them with an eviction notice would not be something I'd do to my parents; that's over the top in my book. If you can't convince them to move on their own, or you can't come up with the cash to 'pay them back' for their investment, then you'll have no other choice *the way I see it* than to sell the darn house and move. That settles a bad situation once and for all.

The only other thing I can think of to 'pay them back' is to take out a home equity loan (if there's equity built up in the house) and give them their cash back that way. Of course, you'll be paying interest on that LOAN of the money, don't forget. But it could be a way to get them out of your house......maybe, maybe not.

Furthermore, I would not offer to pay ONE RED CENT towards the cost of THEIR Assisted Living. That's on them entirely.

Good luck!

Ebhmom, I gave up trying to get my Mom to leave their home which had too many stairs to deem it safe for them. Dad was willing to move. At that time my parents were in their very late 80's. I even brought to them a booklet about a complex which just down the road I thought would be great for them. On-site the complex had a quite a few condo buildings, had 3 restaurants, a bank branch, barber shop, beauty shop, gift shop, swimming pool which I knew my Dad would love, walking paths that they would enjoy, and even a walk-in doctor's office. Heck, I was ready to sign up myself :)

Mom thought the place looked too "snooty" as per the people featured in the booklet. They could even purchase a condo with the same square footage as their house. Yes, it was expensive, but they had saved. Dad liked the idea he could call the condo's handyman to get a ceiling light bulb changed. Yes, the condo was high, but there were so many pluses.

Years later, once my Mom passed after numerous falls at their house, Dad sold the house and wanted to look at senior living. Wish Mom was that easy. The first place I pulled up to, Dad said "where do I sign up?". Dad loved the place, he felt so safe there. He started out in Independent Living, and later moved to Memory Care. Oh how he enjoyed being around people closer to his age.

I hope you and your parents can find a win-win solution.

You wind up the arrangement. Sell the house, divide the proceeds pro rata, your parents go their way and you go yours.

Did the modifications you made to your house increase the property value? If so then that was for your benefit.
What I would do is propose paying back what they "gave" you to make the modifications that way you are no longer "beholden" to them.
If you begin looking for Assisted Living make sure it is one that will accept Medicaid. And one that has Memory Care.
If there is a possibility that they may have to apply for Medicaid it is even more important that you pay back any funds that they gave you to do home modifications.

I feel like there are a lot of details missing here. What was the arrangement made prior to them moving in - were they invited or did they contribute to the purchase of the house? Are they on the deed as co-owners? It seems like your parents gave up their prior home or apartment based on your plan. Your parents, like it or not, have a stake in the house in my opinion. It's unfair to move them in, only 4 years later trying to move them out. Something isn't kosher to me. It sounds to me like you had good intentions, but didn't take into consideration their medical limitations.
That said, if the house isn't in their name, and they have limited assets - consult with a well regarded elder care attorney for your best options. Bring your parents with you so it becomes a group effort and they don't feel excluded. Many attorney's consultations are free. This is a good place to start. For the time being, it would help if you can hire some part-time help to help your parents at home. This is an expense that seems to be essential while you are working, based on your mother's lack of mobility and predisposition to falling. Even in assisted living, it seems by the amount of falls you report - she would not last very long. Realistically, how would they manage on their own now? Install wifi cameras in common areas so you can keep an eye on them through your cell phone while you're away. Find ways to make your home safer - it helps you in the long term.
It sounds like there is a lot of tension in your home - and I urge you to find ways to let the anger and resentment go on both sides. Come from another angle - your parents'. They are both not as independent as you thought they were; and now are being asked to leave. This is an overwhelming situation for any elderly person. Put yourself in their shoes.
Once your parents feel "safer" and wanted by the rest of the family, hopefully the tensions will slowly unravel and they will be more open to alternatives. Please get good professional advice from an elder care attorney & in addition, make sure all of you get your financial assets, health directives & POA's in order NOW. I truly wish you the best.

You need to give them their money back-refinance ,get a job, but you must do this.

Will the small savings and SSI pay for at least a year in the ALF?
If so you should be able to get them on Medicaid in one more year with a five year look back not affecting their being eligible. This might be an issue if you have to prove they weren’t gifting when they invested money for the house. With your moms ability to spin the narrative you should be prepared for this.

Not sure If your state allows an ALF to be paid by Medicaid. Most states don’t but some do. Make some phone calls.
To qualify for Medicaid for LTC they must meet financial and medical requirements.

Not everyone finds it necessary but I would seek the advice of a certified elder attorney well versed in Medicaid to discuss their unique situation. Their funds should pay for this but to get them placed, I would consider paying for it myself. I wouldn’t pay anything on the ALF until I had gotten legal advise from a CELA level attorney. You could be delaying the inevitable with great cost to your family.

The problem with convincing someone is that you are taking yet another burden on that doesn’t belong to you.

Stories
*Sell your house or rent it out.
I had to move one time when I let a family of 5 move in. (DH sister). I made it clear that our move was happening. They were gone the next week.

*Repairs/Disaster
When DH aunts home flooded, I had no choice but to move aunt. No discussion. Here we go.
She moved to ALF and now in a NH. And even though aunt has dementia severe enough to be on hospice, she saw that it was a done deal.

*Legal remedy
Squatters moved into an empty house next door to an elderly uncle. He tried to force them out. He got into trouble with the law for terroristic activity.
He had to evict them. If he had started with the law, he would have been done in 6 weeks instead of 6 months. check your state laws.

Of course no one wants to be harsh or a bully with our elders. Firm, kind, legal with good boundaries will actually move things along with less stress. Don’t over discuss. Find out what your legal options are and make it happen.

Come back and let us know how it is going. We learn from one another.

Your mother sounds like she was unpleasant long before she moved in with you. I would tell her frankly that the arrangement has been fraught from the beginning but it is now no longer tenable. If your parents aren’t sharing any of the costs of their upkeep, it is they who are exploiting you not the other way around.

Unfortunately, assisted living is an expensive private pay affair in most states and I don’t see how your parents could afford the cost if they are on SSI. I also don’t understand how they could have substantial reserves.

In any event, it sounds like you need to put your foot down with your mother. Her bitterness over having to contribute to improvements that were designed to benefit them suggests that she might not be a good influence on your children. I am wondering if your father shares her obvious resentment. Regardless, despite what’s going on with your mom, it sounds like bringing in some daytime help while you are working is a more financially realistic alternative until your parents qualify for a more skilled level of care which Medicare and Medicaid will pay for. If you force them out of your home now, your mother may hate you as much as she hates living with you. A formal family conference regarding the entire matter seems overdue.

If they are on SSI, they cannot possibly have 'decent reserves' leftover. I think the savings limit is still $2000. Perhaps you mean they get Social Security based on old age.

You might want to check the price of AL facility. It is quite costly. Unless they have a very tidy sum of income plus savings, it's not likely for them to go there. Also, there is the medical needs for each of them. AL means they can manage on their own and need very little in the way of hands-on care. If mom is falling all the time and dad has Parkinson's - there's a good chance they need more hand-on care. Which leads to where they are most likely to be accepted - a NH.

Go visit a few AL places so you can find out if parents would even qualify for that low level of care and if they can afford to live there with you helping.

Another choice would be for them to use their monthly income and reserves to pay for in-home care where they are now. Their finances will last much longer and it would relieve a little burden off you. As you say, they aren't using their money for anything else anyway.