Why is my mother-in-law so miserable?

if your MIL has a sense of humour, tell her:

❤️🙂 "Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up!"

I don’t think anyone is surprised by this behavior. It is extremely typical! Most of us expect it from certain people. No one is saying that it is appropriate for someone to do.

My husband’s grandmother was an awful mother to my MIL. Why? I have absolutely no idea because her mother, my husband’s great grandmother was very sweet.

My precious MIL said that her mother had been mean all of her life. My MIL would pray as a child that her parents would get divorced so that her dad would be happy.

Back then divorce wasn’t common and he died a broken man from this domineering woman!

There aren’t enough words to tell the pain that this woman caused for others. She had zero empathy or humility. She lied like a rug! She was harsh and abrasive and downright arrogant.

She never once owned a thing if she was confronted. Sadly, she went to her grave as a miserable woman without any apologies to anyone. She died completely alone because no one could stand to be around her anymore.

Whenever someone took her to the grocery, the bank, the doctor, the pharmacy, the hair salon, wherever, people always thought that she was good as gold because she showed her very best side to others. They reserve the crappy side for family members! Sad but true.

It makes sense though, because they can’t p*ss everyone off, because then they wouldn’t have anyone on their hook!

I am with Burnt here. It would be hard to explain to a 6yr old why his grandmother treats him badly. And believe me, this is how he is going to remember her. You should not allow her to disrepect him or him disrepect her. I believe that there maybe a lesson here for your kids but its not fair that the attention they should be getting goes to a woman who is really not in this world anymore mind wise. 4 kids is enough without caring for MIL. It will only worsen. She needs to be placed. No money? Then Medicaid.

Thank you everyone for your answers!! Not that I am happy but glad I am not alone😣 ..

I did forget to mention but yes, mil does have dementia. And yes that could be a cause! But the ‘company manners’ makes sense. But also makes me wonder how the rest of us are not important ?

it also Gets harder when I have to balance or referee btn my 6 year old and her.

oh well.. praying for patience and strength for all of you going through the same and myself ! 🙏

I call it ''Company Manners." My mom had them when others were around, and my daughter had them when she had colic. No one realized Mom had dementia for YEARS after she clearly did, and no on believed that my sweet baby girl cried and screamed for eight hours straight every day, because both of them perked right up when someone new came through the door.

Neither behavior was intentional, in my opinion. My mother struggled mightily to appear "normal" when others were around, and of course, my daughter was an infant with none of the ability to manipulate people with her behavior.

Feeling miserable when you're sick and elderly is the norm/ The company manners are the aberration, so try to be sympathetic that your MIL isn't experiencing her happiest years.

As my own MIL once said, "You know, the 'golden years' aren't really all that shiny."

I feel for you. The constant doom and gloom can suck the joy right out of you if you take it in. My mom is like your MIL. She is an Eeyore. Her go-to phrase is "I don't know what to do, I just don't know." All the while wringing her hands, blowing her nose, crying, or pacing. She is like this more often than not, and worse when sundowning often to the point of panting. I have to give her lorazepam to reduce the agitation. Mom gets in this state over things such as deciding where to sit, looking for her comb or glasses, planning an easy way to exit a room, worrying overwho is going to work tomorrow or coming home from work tonight, or what to have for dinner. This often turns into her telling me how cruel I am for insisting she wear a pullup or insisting she stay in bed at night. She often says she wants to report me....You might guess, if we have a visitor she is all smiles and daisies. Amazing how that switch gets flipped.

My grandmother is the same way. Myself and one of her daughters take care of her husband and her and she is so nasty to us most of the time. Rude. Snide comments. Always complaining that we don’t do enough or do something wrong. Always complaining about her symptoms and how awful she feels. Then she gets around people who come around once a year to use/ask for cash and she’s so nice with them. Telling them how much she misses them. How great she’s doing. All smiley and laughing. Drives me insane. I just don’t play into it. When she makes her snide remarks I just walk away and she talks to herself.

Is she living with u or u with her. If you, you have leverage. This is your home and as such she needs to show you respect. If she does not like it there, then you will find her a nice AL she can afford and if not a nice NH. Her home, if she wants your help, then she needs to show you respect or you will be moving out and she can go to an AL. As Burnt said she isca brat and how to you handle a brat, ignore them.

This is typical behavior of most people. There was a poster who referred to this as ‘company’ behavior. That’s exactly what it is. They want other people to see their best side. She shows you the entire view, all sides.

Some people love misery SO much, they meet it half-way. That's my husband's saying & it couldn't be more true.

My mother was exactly the same way & the prime reason I would never take her into my home to live with us. She & dad went directly into Independent Living then into Assisted Living when they needed more care, and then mom into Memory Care after dad died & her dementia worsened. It's the only way for you to 'handle' this matter without feeling the same feelings! If you were to go for a drive every time MIL acted up, you'd be living on the road. My mother was on the max dose of Wellbutrin for her depression, and STILL she was miserable 90% of the time. The 10% of the time she wasn't miserable was when she was performing for others who weren't her family members.

Why ask 'why'? Just DO something about the intolerable situation that exists and will never be 'fixed'. Some things in life just aren't fixable.

My condolences on your situation. Wishing you the best of luck in removing your MIL from your immediate surroundings.

You have pretty much described my mother to the letter. Many seniors are like this. When she is spreading her negative misery around walk away and totally ignore her. Don't give her the slighest attention whatsoever. Actually get in your car and leave the house if that's possible and leave her alone to stew in her own misery.
When the meanness and rudeness start up do the same, only tell her once that her tolerated and if she wants to continue living under your roof she had better knock that crap off right quick.
This is the response a parent gives a teen brat acting up. It also applies to a senior brat. Do not engage with her. Do not speak to her. Do not even stay in the same room with her.
Please stop tolerating this behavior from her. It has to stop and if you don't nip it in the bud now what will happen is the gloom and doom, the misery and negativity will turn into manipulation, fight instigating, abusive neediness (which always results in losing independence), and slanderous "storytelling" villifying you to anyone that will listen.
I was an in-home caregiver mostly to elderly for 25 years. I have seen many a good DIL, actual daughter, and grand daughter (it's almost always women) get real trouble in their lives because a nasty, spiteful senior wants to behave abusively and can showtime and storytell well enough to get someone in real trouble. I have seen this happen to good people who were doing right by their elderly relative or client.
You putting up with this crap stops today. You and your husband together confront your MIL about her behavior when there isn't 'company' around and that neither of you will have it. That either she cleans up her rude, mean, negative, gloom and doom act or she gets moved out of your house into a care facility. If she is too far gone with dementia that she can't understand you, start looking into placement for her. The two of you need to make your meaning very plain that if EITHER of you ever catch her "storytelling" and villifying you to anyone, that the arrangements to place her happen that very day.
I don't know if your MIL has an actual diagnosis of dementia or if you just think she has it. Have her tested. Observe her behavior carefully. Many times dementia is not to blame for the bad behavior.

She is using her wiles to get attention. One can get attention any number of ways. And we are always the worst to the ones we love, live with, and are used to. All our inhibitions to "politeness" fly out the door with the visitors. So sorry, but it's true. I think of Christmas eve. All the hauling, cooking, set up. All the "merriment". All the happy happy. And when they are out the door I turn to my mate and say "I am just SO exhausted". Honestly felt speechless with shell shock. I'm afraid that's just life sometimes.

We all relax and show our true selves around family, the people we’re closest to and feel most comfortable with. Sounds like she needs more interaction with others. Look into adult day programs for people with dementia. She can get out and have socialization and you can have a needed break in caregiving. She may also need a medication to calm the sadness. Ask her doctor to evaluate for this.

Welcome, Zeeh!