Find Senior Care (City or Zip)
Join Now Log In
T
Teasamovar Asked February 2023

I have refused to pursue guardianship over my mom, people are pressuring me to do otherwise. How do I respond to their judgement?

The worst case scenario that I have feared regarding my mom has come to pass. After years of begging her to assign a POA, make end of life decisions, to write a will and get her financials in order she has stubbornly refused and now she has been declared incompetent by her doctors and folks are pressuring me to do pursue guardianship of her. I have suffered since a child from my mother's abuse due to her alcoholism and moved faraway 34 years ago. My only living sibling cut ties with my mother 16 years ago and so caring for my mom has been my sole responsibility. I don't blame my sister, my mother is difficult and has become more impossible in the last three years. She cut me off in August telling me she never wanted to speak to me again when I last asked her to get an elder care attorney. I have faithfully and lovingly cared for my mom the best I could. I have done a lot of research about what my legal responsibilities would be to her in the state of Michigan and they are onerous. The application process is onerous, I live many states away and am simply emotionally bankrupt and don't have the resources to take guardianship on. I have read a lot of answers regarding guardianship on this forum and reading people's experiences has been so helpful. But I am struggling even after I spoke with my mom's hospital social worker yesterday and told her I cannot be my mom's guardian. She agreed it is not in my best interest being a survivor of abuse, she was so kind and compassionate. I am now fielding phone calls from friends of my mother who are pressuring me to be her guardian. "Your mom needs you and it would behoove you to do it for her," are some of the plum messages I have received. Help me craft some language to respond to them please. I am already so sad that my mother's life has come to this despite my best efforts, my mother made a choice not to empower me to care for her and now she will be at the mercy of a stranger.

Way2tired Mar 2023
It’s ridiculous that people would tell you that it would “ behoove you “. Your mother didn’t make you POA. You also don’t owe her anything . Let her be a ward of the state . She made her bed….

You don’t owe them any explanations . My blunt response would simply be that “ I offered to help get mom’s affairs in order but she declined . “

But if you don’t want to be blunt go with what you already said “Despite my best efforts my mother chose not to empower me to care for her .”

Fawnby Mar 2023
" I am already so sad that my mother's life has come to this. Despite my best efforts, my mother made a choice not to empower me to care for her."

Add that you are exhausted and have nothing more to give her.

That's all you need to say. Then you hang up or leave the room.

The people who are pressuring you have no idea what would be involved. However, if they'd like to find out, tell them that she's all theirs and that they have your blessing to be her guardian.

ADVERTISEMENT


LoopyLoo Mar 2023
Funny how the people who insist you should be her guardian aren’t offering to be guardians themselves!

Teasamovar Feb 2023
Thank you All for such supportive and helpful advice. I really appreciate you taking time to read a stranger's plight and respond so quickly and kindly. My heart is breaking over this decision and I hope it will get easier with time. Please accept my gratitude.
NeedHelpWithMom Feb 2023
You’re very welcome.

Transitional times are the hardest. You will get past this and be at peace in your life. Best wishes to you.
Beatty Feb 2023
It's not always best that the closest relative becomes the Guardian.

For people deemed unable to make their own decisions or understand why they require a Guardian, they can blame their loss of freedom on the appointed Guardian.

The Guardian can become the hated.

This can have severe negative results;
1. impedes the work the Guardian must do
2. adds much stress to the relationship - even break it
3. the person requiring care has 'lost' (in their eyes) their closest family member

This was explained to me by a kindly social worker too.

I had long expected I would one day take on Guardianship for a LO. But I was changing my mind & the above confirmed it.

I too have wondered how to deal with family & others that would not understand the complexity. I think something simple may do it. Eg "It will be better for her to have a relative (me) PLUS an appointed person as Guardian. Two is better than ONE!"
Teasamovar Feb 2023
I agree, after reading all the advice here, I think it would be best ultimately if someone else is appointed as a guardian as I am already "such a disappointment" to my mom (which she has let me know over and over through the years, I was never good enough). I don't need any additional enmity quite honestly. I am happy to assist the professional when I can, but I can't manage this on my own. Having a relationship with her has been Sisyphean task at best.
Grandma1954 Feb 2023
Anyone that pushes you to become a Guardian must have no idea how complicated, time consuming that can be.
Tell anyone of your mom's friends that they are more than welcome to become your mom's Guardian. A Guardian does not need to be a family member.
YOU owe NO ONE an explanation for why you do not want to be the Guardian.
YOU need to protect your own health that is mental, emotional, as well as physical.

BurntCaregiver Feb 2023
Don't do anything you're not comfortable with. The social worker was right. It would not be in your best interests or your mother's for you to take guardianship over her. Let her become a ward of the state. She will get placed in memory care where she will be safe and looked after.
Your mother wasn't always an incompetent needy elder. She was an abusive drunk.
You forgave that and still had a relationship with her.
When she wasn't an incompetent needy elder you made numerous attempts to get her to take some responsibility and do a POA and to let you help her. Your best efforts were met with stubbornness, anger, and bullying.
You know, I have an old saying.
Nothing gets a senior a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn. So true.
Do all these people who are guilt-tripping you about becoming your abusive mother's guardian, have anything to say to your sister who cut all ties with her 16 years ago?
My friend, all the response you need for every single one of these people who are getting on you about guardianship is right here:

"If anyone would like to take guardianship over my mother please do so and with my blessing. If you are unwilling to then you would do well to shut the hell up. I tried for years to help my mother get her life in order and she stubbornly refused like the abusive bully she has always been to my sister and I. Now it is too late and the state will appoint a conservator/guardian. If any of you want to take up the job, put your halo on and petition the court for guardianship of her. My sister and I will not fight you on it. In fact, we will support you. I will be shocked indeed if even one of you visits her a single time in the memory care or nursing home the state places her in. So either step up, or shut up. God bless and have a nice day".

I suggest you use this message and send it as an email to every person giving you crap about letting the state take over for your mother.
SnoopyLove Feb 2023
Brava! 👏 Great answer.
Countrymouse Feb 2023
Who are the "people" and why is their opinion important to you?

AlvaDeer Feb 2023
That you have suffered from her abuse since childrenhood, and are not up to caring for her in her old age. That they should chalk it up to your human limitations. You do not need to sacrifice your own life on this altar, nor do I feel you should. And you don't owe a response to anyone you don't care to respond to. Smile sweetly and move on.
And get the book Never Simple by Liz Scheier about her Mom's mental illness, and her attempts over many decades, to NO AVAIL, to help her (along with the entire support of the city and state of New York, by the way). Let them borrow the book when you're done.

lealonnie1 Feb 2023
You owe nobody explanations about anything. I'd let these calls go directly to voicemail and then delete the vm w/o listening to it. The armchair critics are those who do absolutely nothing to help us, but issue free advice and tell US what to do from the comfort of their armchairs. I don't think so.

AnnReid Feb 2023
So often, compassionate family members will say “….my mom has been my sole responsibility…”

Are you absolutely certain that what you are saying, and presumably thinking, is factually and legally the case?

Your moms “friends” are close enough and concerned enough TO HER, that they can dictate what it “behooves” YOU to do? What does their concern behoove THEM to do?

GOOD FOR YOU for having explored the responsibilities of assuming guardianship over her, and EVEN MORE, GOOD FOR YOU for having come to a well informed conclusion that guardianship would NOT be in your best interests.

If you can, do some research now into the management of a client who becomes a ward of the state. Bear in mind that depending upon her present residence, the pandemic may have currently reduced the amount of client contact that was once available to clients living in state control, but things should be improving with time.

But “….at the mercy of a stranger…”? Michigan is a progressive enough state that there may be glitches, but unlikely outright failures in care. State regulations are fairly strict. Find out about Michigan in this regard.

With information in hand about state ward status in Michigan, you AND NOBODY ELSE will be more empowered to decide where a balance lies in your responsibility, and have a crystal clear conscience when making the decisions you need to make to afford her AND YOU the best level of safe, peaceful life in the future.

Her FRIENDS? Not part of your decision making process.

Don’t “field” their phone calls. Don’t answer them. Remember the old saying “With friends like these, who needs enemies”.

If you can make a decision that will allow her a SAFE life, be at peace that you’ve done all that should be fairly expected of you.
Teasamovar Feb 2023
I appreciate your support. Thank you for writing. I am the only family member that was currently in my mother's life (my father, her elder sister and my brother are deceased). My mother's twin hasn't spoken to her in years. I have nursed my mother after every surgery, through long recoveries and health crises. So yes, she was my sole responsibility for the last 16 years. When I say at the mercy of a stranger, it is not hyperbolic it is simply a statement that this person will not be known to her, will not know her history or wishes.
MJ1929 Feb 2023
Frankly, if it was me, I'd tell these do-gooders the truth.

I'd very calmly tell them that my mother requested I never speak to her again, and after a lifetime of alcoholism and abuse at her hands that has already lead to a 16-year estrangement from her only other child, you know this to be the best decision.

Then feel free to ask if they have any questions, and I suggest you answer them just as bluntly.

Remember, your mother's shame if not YOUR shame. There's nothing to hide from people, so let the truth come out.

BarbBrooklyn Feb 2023
I would tell these busybodies that they are free to pursue guardianship of your abusive mother.

As I've said elsewhere, for some of us, the way to maintain sanity while caring for elders, especially those of the uncooperative variety, is not to give a flying f*** about what others think.

Teasamovar Feb 2023
Thank you for your kindness and compassion. Oh, two of her friends have declined to be her guardian (not that I blame them). She has alienated many friends throughout the years in addition to her twin sister. It is just a mess. I probably need to find a therapist to support me through this because I just feel broken.
NeedHelpWithMom Feb 2023
You’re very welcome.

I understand how you feel broken. I had addiction in my family too. My brother was an addict. Sadly, his lifestyle caught up to him and he died several years ago.

I have sought therapy during stressful times in my life. It does help to speak with someone who will have an objective view of your situation.

Sometimes, when we are too close to a situation, we don’t see things as clearly as we should.

You seem to understand exactly what is going on. It is nice to hear validation from a therapist to motivate us to stay on track.

It’s also nice to be able to express our thoughts on a topic without being judged.

Of course, none of your mom’s friends or anyone else is going to step up and take responsibility for your mom. Not that I blame them but they have no right to tell you what to do.

You’ll get through this difficult period. Transitional times are always the hardest. Stay strong. Keep us posted on your progress and vent anytime that you need to.
NeedHelpWithMom Feb 2023
First of all, I am so sorry that you are in this situation. I’m terribly sorry that you and your sister were abused as children.

You must do what is best for you. You do not have to listen to what others say.

Simply tell them that your mom wouldn’t cooperate with you when you begged her to do what was in her best interest. So, now she is on her own because you don’t want to assume further responsibility for her.

You can also add that they are certainly welcome to care for her if they wish. I bet that will shut them up! Many people who are great at telling others what to do have never done it themselves.

Best wishes to you. Start focusing on own needs. It’s time to live life on your own terms.

ADVERTISEMENT

Ask a Question

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter