LO is ducking end of life planning. How can I help her?

If you really want to carry this through and help her make end-of-life provisions, tell her that you've been thinking about that too. Then tell her you're going to an attorney and ask if she'd like to go with you to talk about her own plans. If you don't have your own plans, this is a good time to go with or without her.

In places where I've lived, there's usually an attorney who holds luncheons or meetings to answer questions about wills and trusts. They advertise, are hoping to rake in clients, and it's a good way to expose mom to a place to ask questions about her estate. You don't have to use that attorney if you don't want to.

As for pulling the plug, that probably happens in movies so that the characters can weep and wail and have the crisis required before it's all wrapped up in an ending that brings the plot to its conclusion.

Here's what I know from experience: if it ever comes right down to plug-pulling and you're faced with it, don't fear it. By that time the person in question will have gone way down the road to the inevitable, and trust me, if you have a heart, you will be willing and even eager to put an end to their suffering.

One of the documents she needs is a POLST. May go by other names in other States.
This document is far more detailed than a DNR.
It specifies if you want CPR or not.
The next section is Medical Interventions. That is broken down by
Full treatment
Selective Treatment
Comfort-focused Treatment.
The next section is Medically Administered Nutrition. that is broken down into
Long Term
Trial Period
No medically administered means of nutrition.
These all include the use of feeding tubes.

This document will take all the decision making out of someone's hands and the doctors should respect the wishes of the person that has had this form completed. (unfortunately some family members try to over ride the wishes of the critically ill/hurt person.)

About all you can do is have discussions with her so that if she has not completed the forms you would know what her wishes are. But stress to her that these are much better written down. Some doctors offices, when you go in for an annual physical will have this discussion and have you complete a form indicating your wishes.

Now that I have said all that...
If she has to have surgery for some reason they will "suspend" a POLST or DNR during surgery and it will become effective again after surgery. (I was told by a doctor when my Husband had to have surgery if he is healthy enough for surgery they will suspend the POLST and then he said..."no one dies on my operating table, they can die in recovery"

I get not following through. No one likes to think of their own mortality. It is kinda scary and there is so much to do. Not just the legal stuff but the boxes in the basement, the ones in the attic. The back closet that had heaven knows what stored away, my own closet that has clothes that I have not worn in 3, 4, 6 years!
If it is easier find an Elder Care Attorney that will come to her house and have this discussion and begin the paperwork that needs to be done. She may find it much more comfortable in her own home rather than a lawyers office, just going into an office can be intimidating.

My 81 year old mother with Parkinson’s claims she doesn’t care what happens to her at that stage yet micromanages every other part of her life.

Its out of fear and hoping to play it by ear to control it herself as it unfolds regardless what it does to everyone else.

I’ve had to step away so not to have my life and health completely taken over by someone out of control. I’m on the first name basis with Adult Protective Services and have them on speed dial and they told me it’s not illegal to make bad choices.

Bc my mother has made such a mess of things I’ve made a trust myself at 58 and set up POA for medical and financial. And since my daughter is an only child I included her husband to be able to make choices to take off the pressure

I only have to initial, I told them if I am even 1/10 of my mother shut it down! Lol

Sometimes that helps when you see someone else’s mistakes.

My MIL refused to make any kind of will or trust. She said she trusted her kids to liquidate her estate and split it 3 ways.

Grrrrrrrrrrr...........

I finally told her that if she died without some kind of will, then her estate would be frozen and TOTAL STRANGERS would go through all her stuff and the family would only get what was left after the attorneys were done.

She looked horrified. "They'll go through my UNDERWEAR?" (Little fib here) "Yep, everything. Every single thing."

She had DH taking her to an attorney the next week.

We don't care if we inherit anything, but we sure care if it takes years to liquidate her small estate and put it to rest.

If you don't think you can handle this job--don't accept it and find someone else who will and can handle it.

Talks like these are hard with our folks, that's for sure.

You say you don't wish to be POA.
That's fine. You don't need to. We can get this problem off your plate in one minute.
Here's how it will work:

When your loved one does go into incompetency it is of course too late for any will changes.
Whatever is now written will stand.
If none is written the laws of the state will appoint an executor and the state will be divided according to state law upon the death of your loved one.

Now we go to the case of how the care and money will be managed if your loved one goes into LIVING with incompetency without any plans made for POA, Fiduciary, and etc:

That is also easy. You would report your loved one to APS. You would say that she refused to appoint a POA and there is none, and that YOU do not wish to be her guardian. APS will make connections with attorney/and or court which will appoint another willing and competent person as guardian; if there are none a court-appointed Fiduciary is chosen to manage the funds and placement of your loved one.

You have ALREADY sat her down and explained this. Now YOU and ANY OTHER family members should sit her down ONE LAST TIME together and tell her she should see a Trust and Estate attorney. Tell her how this will work if she does not.

That's it. Either she decides to see an attorney and take care of business, or she doesn't. If she doesn't, you will, when it is necessary, allow the State to take guardianship.

I wish all the best.
Do let her know that when the state takes over the FAMILY cannot protect her nor her wishes in ANY WAY.

There's the facts. You cannot make her choices for her. This is one-and-done, and you are free to get on with your life. I wish you the best.

It took a 'professional' for my mom to listen to reason and plan: a top Elder Law Attorney in her community. Otherwise she held her cards close to her vest, which is part of the fear of change. But, as with her visits to "Doctor God" (she'd get dressed to the nines for her 'dates' with her doctor) mom could hear what a professional had to say. This Elder Law Attorney grasped the situation immediately and had great skill helping my mom revise her will, lay plans, etc. He didn't even charge her 'an arm and a leg' up front, telling me he knew he'd get his fee covered after she passed, which he did during the estate settling process. I think it is very hard for our elders/parents to relinquish control of their 'business' to we 'kids', so maybe this approach will help your mom, too.

I skimmed some of your previous posts. When you take her to the attorney, IMHO these are some things to consider to protect yourself.

You live on a trailer on her land, and do quite a bit for her. You've also stated that she expects YOU to be her caregiver. You also stated that you moved 400 miles to be her caregiver after a hospitalization.

Is the estate going to be split equally between you and your sister? Where does she live and what does she do for your mother? If you are going to be her caregiver, you should get a contract for compensation when she is at the attorney.

How far along the road to mental incompetence do you think she is? Until she is deemed mentally incompetent, there is going to be a fight every step of the way as you try to get her outside help or into a facility.

If you do NOT intend to be her caregiver, move OFF her property. That will be a much better way to enforce boundaries and not get ensnared in mission creep.

Have you considered joint tenants with rights of survivorship? It is much easier than a will especially if constant changes are trying to be made. She likely won't go for it but my husband had this with his mother. I didn't with my mother. There was a will and not a terribly complicated one but so many more details with costs involved. My husband and I are both only children so there is that aspect to our situation. I don't know all your particulars.

How old is she?

trials: I've seen your update wherein you stated that your LO is going to see an attorney. That's good.