How do I handle my grandmother's unhealthily obsessed with food?

" I am ADHD, have a chronic depression disorder that can be crippling at times (I do my best to cope), and extreme anxiety."

And you are exhausted.

"... (I) was fired from my last remote job due to her having issues with boundaries and repeating actions like knocking on my door for small things and yelling. I had to start a business to pay her rent."

So you are not only her sole caregiver, but you are also paying her rent (and other bills)? What is her financial situation? Are you her POA/HCPOA?

"I know no one else in our family wants to deal with her. The woman has opened her home and taken care of me most my life."

"...none of my aunts or other family members seem willing to step up."

What do you mean when you wrote that your grandmother has taken care of you for most of your life? Where were your parents?

Your family has dumped the caregiving responsibility AND financial responsibility of your mother's care on you?! How bad do things have to get before you make a change and put yourself first?

Quite frankly, I'm disgusted by the selfishness of the rest of your family. You are the GRANDdaughter and should not be responsible for your grandmother. How was it explained to you so that you moved back to become her caregiver? Why did you agree?



my mother (who is a caregiver for others but not for her mother due to personal differences),

Dear OP, what you really want is a magic wand to make GM more sensible. Or a magic mantra from us to do the same thing. GM is making all the decisions here, from a “strong desire not to be placed in a care facility” to whether salt on and in food is acceptable. Everyone else in the family has given up on her, but you are still doing what you are told – in minute detail.

You have options that you are not happy about trying. You “had to start a business to pay her rent” – does that mean that she is renting the house, or that you are paying rent to her? If the house belongs to GM, selling it will provide the funds for her to go to a pleasant care place. If she eats “dark chocolate muffins and pastries”, she is eating things that she won’t accept in the diet at your place (probably including salt) and it doesn’t make any sense. If she goes to care, she will have to eat what she is given. But at the moment, not following orders creates so many problems that you don’t think it’s worthwhile.

It really is up to you. There is no magic wand. You will probably go on until you can’t, and then the whole house of cards will fall down. What will be the impact of her giving up her driving licence? Sometimes it makes a big difference to how things work. What you could do now is to investigate the options, so that if you, her, or the situation does break down, you won’t be starting from scratch to work out what to do. One option you might research is a small private care home, which some people find works better than a facility. You might even find one with these very restrictive diet rules! Your family members aren’t “willing to step up” (and I’m not surprised), but they might be willing to help investigate other options for when you can’t cope.

Plan for a better future, if you can!

Good evening, I want to extend my gratitude for the honest and kind responses from all of you, as well as the valuable advice that has been offered. To address some of the questions raised:
Firstly, it's important to note that my grandmother has been diligent about her monthly doctor visits. The information I've received and witnessed indicates concerning changes in her physical brain. She recently underwent either an MRI or CT scan (I can't recall which) to provide a visual aid of these changes. Her doctor kindly presented a side-by-side comparison, revealing a significant difference. In fact, her brain has been physically shrinking, and there is also a buildup of cells near the base of her skull. In addition to these findings, she has been diagnosed with spinal stenosis, small blood vessel disease, and potentially more conditions that I might not be aware of due to my limited attendance at her appointments per disagreements.
Furthermore, my grandmother has been diagnosed with OCD, depression, anorexia, and is grappling with PTSD due to her past experiences, which I won't delve into. Despite these considerable challenges, she still maintains a degree of independence, such as driving, using the oven, and managing her laundry. This independence is something we respect and value. However, as previously mentioned, there have been noticeable changes in her behavior and cognition, which have been observed not only by me but also by my mother (who is a caregiver for others but not for her mother due to personal differences), our housemate, and others who have interacted with her.
I have gently suggested the idea of a comprehensive evaluation to definitively determine if she has Alzheimer's or dementia, but these conversations have proven difficult and sometimes contentious. Consequently, I've refrained from pushing the issue, considering her continued independence. If she chooses not to discuss it after a couple of attempts, I respect her wishes and drop the matter.
Regarding my own future, I am a data analytics and marketing student, which involves working with complex information and devising strategies regularly. However, understanding and coping with the emotional and personality changes associated with my grandmother's situation present unique challenges. My long-term goal is to further develop my business and eventually relocate outside the United States once her passing occurs.
I acknowledge that some aspects of this situation may be exacerbated by my own mental health challenges, but the issue of her health and her relationship with food has been a longstanding concern that has affected not only her but also her daughter, granddaughter (myself), our housemate, and even individuals outside the family. I recognize that some of this may be attributed to the era she grew up in and her personal struggles with food, as well as her general mistrust in herself and the younger generation, including myself. All of these factors, coupled with her mental health issues, contribute to the complexity of the situation we are facing.
It's also important to note that she has expressed her strong desire not to be placed in a care facility, and unfortunately, none of us have the financial means to afford such care, which can be prohibitively expensive. Leaving her alone is also not an option as her condition is gradually progressing. Even if she has her independence I am not sure for how much longer. I hold concerns for her mental wellbeing and wish to help provide her with a reasonable living situation until her time passes, as none of my aunts or other family members seem willing to step up. I'm not sure about the qualifications for the care or assistance she needs, and if it is state-issued, I'm unsure about the frequency and extent of the assistance they can provide.

After all you wrote what stuck out to me was what you wrote in your 5th sentence where you say that "The biggest predicament I am having is that she will sit for hours reading different books about microbes when I say hours I mean like 4 or 5 hours."
Are you sure that's now your biggest predicament as it sounds like you have way more going on than just that?
But I do have to give kudos to your grandmother for still wanting to eat healthy at her age, as often folks her age say that they'll eat whatever they darn well please, and not worry about the health repercussions.
But as with all things, things can be blown out of proportion and it sounds like this food issue perhaps has been.
What does her doctor say about it, or has she even been to a doctor lately? If not I would start there. They can do a workup on her to see if she's showing any signs of mental decline other than the normal aging decline that most go through.
You say that she refuses to be evaluated for Alzheimer's or dementia, but perhaps you can get her to the doctor for a different reason and then you can either hand a note(from you)to the nurse before she goes back with details on what exactly is going on with her so they have a heads up, or you can go into the patient portal and write the doctor a note prior to her appointment that way as well.
Do you also think that your grandmothers behaviors seem to be exasperated more because of all the mental health issues that you have, making them harder for you to accept as you struggle to cope not only with your own issues but hers as well? That's just a thought.
You may just be ill equipped to continue on with trying to care for her if your mental health is suffering because if it, and that's ok as you matter too in this equation.
You must first and foremost take good care of yourself if you're ever wanting to be able to care for anyone else. Please don't forget that.

1. You aren't the reason she gets upset. She has dementia. That's what they do.

2. Her care is way beyond your ability. Stop calling it a "home," it's a "care facility." She is at the point of needing 24/7 care by trained professionals in such a place.

3. You have let her grab hold of your life and cause you to be fired from your job! This is serious stuff. No matter how well she's taken care of you in the past, this can't go on.

4. With your issues of extreme anxiety, depression and ADHD, this is one of the absolutely worst situations you could be in.

5. You are obviously a kind and caring person, but it takes more than that to take care of your grandmother now. You aren't qualified and need to help her get placed. Then rebuild your life and become an adult. Your own survival depends on it.

6. I'm well aware that you probably won't accept any advice I've posted here because you may not be ready to hear and understand it. So please know that I care about you and wish you well in this horrible situation. Good luck.

I think, given the options you give to us, that you are handling it well as can be expected in the circumstances, don't you?
There is no miraculous "fix" to this sort of obsessive thinking your grandmother does.

It DOES sound as though your grandmother isn't completely competent. Can you tell us what diagnostic workups she has had? Because, while I understand that you are basically getting your shelter at your grandmother's now, being her caregiver as she sinks further into what dementia there may be, may not be possible for you to handle.

What are your plans for your future?