Per a consultation with a good elder attorney, the remaining family including the adult children are responsible and this does not completely fall on the health care proxy. Per the attorney, in the state where the aging parent lives the health care proxy is not responsible for signing admission paperwork to a nursing home.
Three out of the four of the adult children want the aging parent's assets to be used to continue to pay for in-home care as per my aging mother's wishes. The POA refuses to take out any more home equity loans or a reverse mortgage loan and has for the longest time wanted the elderly parent in a nursing home. The POA attempts to get his siblings to pay for her in-home care by bullying and unreasonable demands.
The POA has forever lived rent-free with my elderly parent. We assume he will stay in the house if she is admitted to a nursing home.
Has anyone else dealt with this situation? If so, please share experience and ways to get through this.
18 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
The only thing you really can control now is how much are you, the rest of the siblings, willing to kick in financially. You say he "attempts to get his siblings to pay for her in-home care by bullying and unreasonable demands." Well, in my book there's a simple solution to that - tell him no. You will not be willing to kick in any more money so long as there is a house that can be sold, and those assets used to pay for mom's care. That is not an unreasonable answer. It is not an unkind answer. Whether or not you can afford to continue to finance this situation - and most people can't afford to finance something like this in the long term - is not the point. Mom's assets are used for mom's care. It's a very simple concept.
Insofar as your brother "not willing to take out any more home equity loans or a reverse mortgage loan and has for the longest time" - there comes a point when there is simply no more equity left in the house to draw on. And those loans have to be paid back. If he takes out a reverse mortgage and then places mom, most of those loans have language that states the owner of the home (mom) needs to reside in the home, otherwise the loan can be called in immediately. In which case the loan company will force the sale of the house, if mom can't come up with the money to pay back the loan. It could very well be that, if your brother has taken out multiple loans on the property already, he and mom are struggling to pay those loans now.
As hard as it might be, your only option at this point might be to walk away financially and let mom and your brother sink or swim on their own. Are you and your siblings willing to do this? I don't know that I would be able to, to be perfectly honest. But unfortunately, it might be the only way out of this quagmire.
ADVERTISEMENT
Brother is struggling with major medical conditions now and the only concern of the absentee sibling is that she doesn't have to do anything about the situation, all under the guise of not putting poor momma in a nursing home. No offer to take momma, just trash the brother that has been the boots on the ground caregiver for 10 long years.
OP, shame on you for all of your manipulative behaviors.
But I had suggested another sibling take Mom in with them if you are all so adamant of Mom not going to a nursing home . Has anyone offered to take Mom in ? Is anyone willing or able to do that ? I’m not saying anyone should .
I just don’t see paying for caregivers to be in her own home sustainable .
Maybe I’m wrong , I’m not a lawyer , but it boils down to who is POA which is your brother . If you don’t keep giving money to pay for caregivers at home he says he will place her in a facility . I don’t see that changing .
Right or wrong this is what you are left with
1) you can keep paying out of pocket for caregivers for Mom to live in her own home .
2) Another sibling takes Mom in with them , if Mom is willing .
3) You stop paying for caregivers in her home and POA brother puts her in a nursing home.
You and your sibs will have to decide which approach to take.
Your mother’s ignorance , which is common , is what set this up . She should have gone to a lawyer and it had put in writing that your brother was a tenant and would have to eventually sell the house to pay for her care if such care was needed. But that would never occur to her because in her mind she was never leaving her house .
The two questions that seem to be recurring through all of these posts, however, which the OP has yet to really answer are 1) what sort of care does mom need and 2) what is the extent of her cognitive decline. Maybe if we had a clearer picture of those items, we might be able to give more helpful advice.
If mom's cognitive decline isn't to the point where she is incapable of making her own decisions, then I would think brother's POA should really not be in effect. In which case most of what OP is posting is really moot, because it would still be mom's decision about where she wants to live and how she's going to paid for it.
Taking out a reversed mortgage is not a good idea. I am not even sure a POA can do this. Me as a Mortgage lender may not allow it. Mom is not able to sign a contract. And as said, once Mom is no longer in the house, the loan will be called in. Continuing to take out loans is not the answer either. There's only so much equity in a house and those loans need to be paid back on a monthly bases.
Mom's illness is going to get worse. To the point she will need 24/7 care. That is very expensive. No one person should be expected to give Mom that kind of care. You have options. Medicaid "in home" is income based. If Mom fits the criteria, maybe you can get an aid in. Call Office of Aging to see what they offer.
Realize that brothers POA gives him the ability to place Mom. But by doing that he may be cutting his own hand off. Because, him living there for ten years and even saying he was Moms caregiver will mean nothing to Medicaid if he can't pay bills, taxes and upkeep on the house. Once on Medicaid, any Social Security and Pension Mom gets will go towards her care. So him pushing for Mom to go to a NH, does not mean he will be able to remain in the home. He needs to realize this. It may mean he will change his mind about placing her.
Does Mom have a Will leaving her home to all 4 of you? That may be another problem. Even though a house is exempt for Medicaid its only that way while Mom is living. Once she passes, it becomes an asset that Medicaid can recover from. Its one thing if brother was an only child, he may be able to stay in the home and then Medicaid will put a lien on the home. But there are 3 other children in ur situation that are entitled to their inheritance. So with me, Mom still had her home when she passed. She was on Medicaid for 3 months total recovery by Medicaid 6k. The house had tax liens and I had out of pocket. At time of sale, all liens and out if pocket were paid and the balance if proceeds were split 3 ways. This is a question for your elder lawyer. How does brother fair in all of this. I am just rambling here but IMO as Financial POA brother is the only one who can make decisions about Moms care. I do think he needs to look into his rights about being able to remain in the home if Mom goes into care or passes. He may find out he has no rights. I really think, from ur posts, that he feels he has lived in the home 10 yrs, he is entitled to stay. He maybe surprised to find out that may not be true. If Mom dies, for him to remain in the home, he may have to buy the rest of you out. And if he can't do that, you maybe able to force a sale. POA is over once Mom passes. Then an executor or administrator takes over. No Will, the State determines who inherits.
A question, if there are 3 of you, why are you not willing to split up Moms care?
The POA's job is to use the parent's assets for their care, but that might mean selling the house. The remaining siblings aren't obligated to pay for care at all. Selling the house would get the squatting POA out but give them access to all of Mom's assets from the sale of the house.
What you should be doing as siblings is demand a monthly accounting of Mom's expenditures and to see her bank statements. Technically you don't have the right to this information, but maybe your POA sibling won't know this. You can also have a lawyer write a strongly worded letter if you believe her money is being mismanaged.
Is Mom completely incompetent at this point and unable to assign another POA? If not, you might work on her to change her paperwork or add a second child to the POA. It's rarely a good thing to have co-POAs, but it might keep the squatting sibling in line a bit more.
Does he work? If not, why not. Is he disabled in some way?
If you would give a better overall picture of what is going on, you may receive better answers. And, there will come a time when Mom may not be able to get her wishes met. It will be what she needs not what she wants. And you three will need to figure out if you want to sacrifice to keep her wishes. She will become 24/7 care. She will need bathing and toileting. She will be incontinent, paranoid and have hallucinations. Its a big responsibility to take on.
Has dnajaras answered this question? I feel like it has been asked several times and she skates right by it.
What the brother has been going through doesn't mean anything to her either. Mom is fine in her long distance opinion and brother is nothing but a grifter. Truly unfortunate for the brother.
For example, the nurse, home blood draw, physical therapist, occupational therapist, etc., they are not on duty 24-7. It's the person who lives the elderly loved one.
The one left doing the hands on caregiving--in the trenches on a daily basis coordinating everything needs to be still standing after everything is said and done.
Another family meeting--does your brother plan on buying all of you out. Or, are you will to wait til he passes to get your share. Also, in all honesty, have you checked out some of these facilities--nursing homes.
After the Pandemic, every place is depleted. Most of the residents are heavily medicated and the places stink of urine. Usually the lobbies are lavish but check out the place at night time.
Every place is short-staffed, overworked and underpaid. It's not that easy. Say to yourself, could you live in that facility 24-7?
I was flabbergasted when I went looking even in the best places. They can't get the help because they don't pay anything. There are better ways to make a living than working as a CNA.
The people who own the places make the $$$ not the workers.
Help your brother in whatever way you can.
I am in agreement with Justwow123. There are 4 adult children; share the wealth and share the care...Amen.
See All Answers