*Situation
My boyfriend of 2 years the other night told me how he worries a lot about his best friend who struggles with degenerative health issues, and talked about how ideally would want all 3 of us to live together. Seems he at some point promised to support her and care for her when she has health issues. But he NEVER mentioned this EVER to me when we’ve discussed our future plans. I feel so blindsided. I didn’t want to come off as insensitive so I didn’t pry just that I was very surprised. Then he said “well of course your opinion matters. All I know is I am in love with you and want to grow old with you.” I just feel like no matter what I say, it will seem insensitive to Mary and her health issues and his commitment to help her. But at the same time, this is a big commitment on his part and doesn’t seem compatible with the relationship plans we’ve talked about. I know I need to have another talk but want to be delicate and not seem insensitive to Mary. Please see below for more context on the friendship and more details that may help/impact your feedback. Thank you in advance for your help and guidance!
*More background
I am 34 and have been dating my boyfriend Matt (42 years old) for 2 years. Before dating, we met in grad school in Boston and were best friends for 4 years. His other best friend was a young woman, Mary (31 years old), who he lived with in Kansas. She was the one that urged Matt for years to tell me how he felt, and was so happy when we finally started dating. I knew she struggled with some health issues and was on immune-suppressing medicine to deal with it (degenerative issues that affect her joints and some chronic pain issues). A couple years ago, Mary broke up with her boyfriend so she decided to take a travel work contract and move to the East Coast, a few hours away from Matt and I. Matt would visit about one weekend a month and often I’d tag along. For the 1.5 years of our relationship, Matt and I lived in Boston in our separate apartments and did usual relationship things like traveling, meeting each other’s families and planning our future together. Then COVID happened…our city announced there would be a lockdown. Mary had just broken up with her longterm boyfriend, so Matt left Boston to go stay with Mary (in case she got sick, this way she wouldn’t be by herself in case got COVID). After a few weeks, I left to join Mary and Matt and have been here ever since. It has been very difficult being a couple, and living with a third person (the apartment is small, and have little privacy). But I always felt very grateful to be here and to Mary for welcoming me. I also took a lot of comfort in the fact this was a temporary situation and Matt and I soon would get our own place.
The other night Matt got emotional about how scared he was about COVID because he knew if Mary contracted it she likely would get very sick and potentially could be fatal coupled with her other health issues. He said he wants to “always make sure she’s okay and not alone and struggling.” I probed to ask what he meant by that logistically, and he said he was happy with the current living situation with all 3 of us. And ideally we’d find a place with her, or at the least she’d live closeby. It seemed he had made a commitment to Mary and be her caretaker when her health gets bad.
But he’s NEVER mentioned this to me EVER, and we’ve had a lot of conversations about the future. And a surprise because before COVID, she seemed fine living independently, with only a 1x month visit from Matt. She also moved far away from her hometown, friends and family to this travel work position, so she only has Matt as potential support geographically close by.
It’s noble he’s made a promise to help a friend, but this feels like it goes WAY above and beyond the usual. And the type of living situation and caretaking he’s talking about with Mary is incompatible with what I want for us. I just don’t know what to do next. Thank you for your help
All his close friends seem to be women. Weird. Has he no close males friends?
It is ok for him to be concerned about her. It is ok for him to want to "help" her in realistic ways, but he's a "Rescuer", which is not healthy. My BIL married a woman he "rescued". They didn't really get married for healthy reasons and their marriage has been rocky almost it's entire duration. IMHO this is not the guy to make a future with, and I would move on.
Good for him that he is a great “friend” but in my book not so good for husband material if that’s what you are looking for.
The implications of HIS decision are huge.
You know you can’t trust him.
Time to get back on track with your life and let them figure out their relationship.
I keep wondering...does anyone work? Any children here? What about extended family for all three of you?? Yada yada yada. So much to consider.
I’m sorry for your pain. Let us know how you are doing.
However. Back before, when you and he were doing the normal things including discussing your future and he didn't say a word about caring for Mary forever and ever... What shape were things taking?
I hate to say it, but it is possible that the bond between them was stronger than anyone realised and has now deepened further. It's *possible*. But I certainly wouldn't make any assumptions about that at this insanely stressful and disconcerting time in world events.
Here are some other posts you might want to read about how other men tried to maneuver a man/woman friendship into a triad:
https://www.agingcare.com/search?term=man+wants+fiance+to+care+for+his+father
The facts are somewhat different, but also similar, and the result is basically the same: the woman subordinates her own interests for the individual for whom her alleged loved one brings into their twosome.
I actually found myself becoming angry when I read your post; while I acknowledge that there are people who are born "carers", somehow I can't accept that your current manfriend is one. Or perhaps he is, but it's gone beyond caring and slid into a compulsion. It's hard to believe someone really would have the audacity to ask a potential female companion for life to compromise and add a third woman in, even if she is disadvantaged.
While his alleged intents are laudatory, I would consider this an experience, an eye-opener, wish him well and find a different manfriend. Threesomes are not good, unless you're specifically into that kind of relationship and choose it. But in this situation there's not an equal playing field, b/c the other woman apparently (?) needs special care.
And I assume you don't want to be a live-in Cinderella?
Chalk it up to an early warning system, and move on.
Pretend you haven't dated your boyfriend for 2 years...
If you just met him today,
and he told you what his life situation was,
and about his female friend who was in poor health and needed a lot of care,
and that he was looking for a girlfriend who would join and be a threesome to take care of the friend,
would you sign up?
That's your answer to your "I just don’t know what to do next."
If you wouldn't sign up for that today, then you shouldn't sign up for tomorrow, and the next day, and next week, and the next 10-20 years.
Tell him what you want for YOUR life doesn't match with what he wants for HIS life, so you two/three should part ways, and you wish him/them well.
"...the type of living situation and caretaking he’s talking about with Mary is incompatible with what I want for us..." What you want for your life is what matters. You should not make decisions based on what your boyfriend or Mary wants. If it's not what you want then it's not going to work.
Life is too short to settle for less than what you want. It isn't fair to you, your boyfriend or your roommate Mary for you to be less than honest about what you want for yourself and your future. Start making arrangements for yourself to find your own place, move on with your career and do the things you enjoy doing. In time you will meet new people and new relationships can blossom.
He's not ready for marriage.
Or at least marriage to you, unless you allow this strange relationship to go on with him acting as a husband/brother proxy to her, which is why he's testing the waters.
Certainly he doesn't sound very mature or that he's given much thought to what ''growing old with you'' entails, or the level of commitment required.
Mary needs to be responsible for herself.
There's no reason he should have gone to go live with her if she was healthy when she broke up with her boyfriend-what would his presence possibly do to prevent her from getting covid? I think that was an excuse. If this was another male friend of yours who did same thing, what reason would you think he was doing it for? If you hadn't followed him, where do you think your relationship would be right now? Broken up because he decided to stay playing house with her full time over you?
So there's your answer.
It's nice he wants to take care of his friend. Weird that he's put you at the level of a roomie rather than life partner when deciding to commit himself this way. He may want to grow old with you, but do you want to grow old with Mary and her health issues?
He's 42. Too old to be so foolish.
Throw him back.
So this is entirely up to you. I would be honest with yourself about what you are signing on for. Your life would not be your own, not now and not ever, and it would be an increasingly long, agonizing slow slide down. This is not YOUR good friend. This is Matt's good friend. I suspect anyone he thinks can do this life's work with him will be letting him down SOONER or LATER.
I would make it sooner. I would tell Matt that the future cannot be known. He is correct. This dear person could die anytime soon, or she could live many decades. But all that is a gamble and to live gambling in "hopes" of someone's demise would be truly ugly, but perhaps unavoidable.
I would simply tell him I have thought long and hard on this, and I know my limitations for certain, and that they won't change. That love isn't the answer and cannot fix everything, and that this wasn't your plan for a life together. It is charming he wants to grow old with you. While you live in the same area you can be friends, and in my life friends have outlasted loves anyway, so perhaps the best way to grow old together is to stay friends.
Wouldn't be for me. As I said, you have a decision. It won't be easy, but I think you already know you cannot have him with you at the cost of his friend, nor can you live with his friend in a three way "menage".
What a blow. I am so sorry.
You have gotten some good responses. Please think seriously about this. I think you already are questioning this relationship. Most of us are Seniors. We have grandchildren. We have been there.
Something just doesn't sound right here.
If this is not what you envisioned for your life, then you move on. It doesn't make you a bad person, nor does it make him one. It just is a case of incompatibility as this particular point in time.
Go couch-surf, if you have to. Do not waste one more minute in this situation.
Oh and P.S., there is no need to be delicate in your next discussion. Just say, “this won’t work for me.” No delicate explanation needed.
Cut loose.
Just maybe, later, he will see a way to be a friend to Mary without being her full-time caregiver... but even IF, it may take too much time.
If you are looking for the full package: partner, marriage, babies - you may need to decide now. Settle for a piece of a part-time partner only... or cut loose to give room for more.
I hope you find the right path for you.
YOU HAVE BROKEN HEART DISEASE....
What to do now?... Yup... it's easy to say get ooooouuuuttttt.
But now your feeelings haave beeen compromisseeed...
34... are you looking to have kids? is this part of the issue? I just met someone who had a kid at 49 years of age... How did she do this? Very hard..... I told her she really wanted this.. and I know how hard she worked to get this little person.. :) At your are it is hard.. been there done that.... Is it right for everyone? not sure.... but my kid doesn't want marriage or kids... do I say this is right or wrong? NO, It is not my choice..
I also no a wonderful woman who wanted a child... and got her.. the delivery was not the best.. but those 2 gals are fine... no dad in mind...
mom and daughter are great.... !! happy even in these times... but they are fine...
so, it is possible ... whatever you want.... and if it's the man you want... well,,, there are others, but if he is the one.... for you... try again..... to get him... if he cannot see just the 2 of you.... re-route your thoughts brain and heart...
the conclusions come out the same... ..
well know you did your best, wish them the best... Thank them ... just thank them.. no hard feelings... just bless them.... him, her, and you......
pray pray pray... perhaps it will go your way.
Cut and run.
Fast.
hope you can do this... QUICKLY...
you can give him "support" by saying I am praying for you two...
just know you do not have to be the caretaker of a woman, that a man you like ,wants to or thinks he needs to care for...
they are not your issue....
I would not want to live with a man who is "taking" care of a woman who is NOT a real relative...ie: mom, grandma, sister, aunt, cousin, or anyone with a "grand" or Great-Grand" in the title.
For some reason, he needs to take care of her.... That is good. YOU do NOT need to take care of THEM... Unless you want to..
Good Luck... I wish all 3 of you the best.
The cute television show with John Ritter, Three’s Company was entirely different. They were not romantically involved with each other.
You already know in your gut that this doesn’t sit well with you. Follow your instincts on this situation.
Of course, you aren’t being insensitive to Mary. You want a traditional ‘man and woman’ marriage.
Forgive me, but I had an image of a crazy reality show (Sister Wives) flash across my mind as I read your posting.
Have you ever watched that stupid show?
Can you imagine making plans with three people in the house?
Your possible future husband will always want Mary’s opinion on important issues because she wouldn’t be a guest in your home. She would be sharing your home PERMANENTLY!
My gosh, it can be hard enough making decisions with only two people!
I would think that Mary would start to feel like a third wheel after you married.
Did your boyfriend tell you how she responded to his offer of the three of you living together?
Why on earth would he discuss it with her before discussing it with you?
🚩 That’s a RED FLAG if I ever saw one.
My instincts would tell me to move on.
This isn’t about your insensitivity, nor jealousy or insecurity.
This is about him being insensitive to YOU! It’s also about him truly not having a grip on reality if he thinks that you would be happy in this situation.
I would wonder if there are any other secrets that you don’t know about and you would find yourself housing anyone else in the future.
Find someone that will be devoted to you. You deserve to start off your marriage privately.
Remember that three is a crowd.
Best wishes to you.
Are you in love with a con artist and the two of them are a team?
Your situation does not sound sustainable.
I am guessing that if you look very closely, the finances are also a bit skewed in this relationship, and you may have other complaints not yet expressed.
I think that you might feel a lot better about yourself if you just end the relationship. You don't need the drama this man brings to your life.
You aren't the only woman in your man's life. Matt has an open-ended relationship with his 'bestie'. If we were taking bets here, the good money would be on this relationship having been going on for a very long time. One or the other being single or even married doesn't affect the relationship they're in. You said he's happy with the arrangement of the three of you living together. There it is.
My friend, you are part of a 'thrupple'. At some point Matt and Mary (if they haven't already) will approach you about taking the relationship to the next level which is a menage de trois. I think you know what I'm saying here.
If you agree and are into that sort of thing, it's not my place or anyone else's to judge you. If you're not then you need to break up with your boyfriend and get the hell out of her house fast. Let them find some other woman interested in being a sister wife.
I am a patient with Early Onset ALZ, diagnosed almost 5yrs ago. I got married way to young at the age of 20. Agreed to move from the Midwest, back to the East Coast. Once we moved back East, all hell broke loose. My so called wife had more boyfriends than the 14 yrs of our fake marriage. Over the 14 yrs, like you little issues kept popping up affairs by my fake wife, her cross addiction to alcohol and drugs. I kicked her out the door and told her I'd had enough.
I went out and met a woman who shared my faith and practiced it. We were friends for two years when I asked her if she'd like to go out on a date. On our first date, I asked her where she'd like to go on our Honeymoon. She immediately answered Australia. We dated for 2 yrs. Life does get in the way, I changed jobs about 9 mos., before we got married and didn't have enough time off to be able to go to Australia. We did have a great honeymoon. coming up in June my DW and I will be married 25yrs, include dating time 27yrs. Three kids.
Please stop and think about how third person seems to be taking first place in your boyfriends life. Now, if you all agree that this third person belongs in your lives, well, that is your decision and no one else's. Please stop and think about what is the best thing for you to do, then don't look back.
I am now in my early 60's. Divorcing the fake wife was the best thing I ever did. In spite of my diagnosis 5 yrs ago, we are very happy, never had a fight. We still hope to get to Australia, while I can still travel. My DW and these three children are the greatest gift I've ever known. My hope is that you are able to come up with the right answer for yourself and have a happy life.
God Bless you,
John
He may get a better picture of how this isn’t a great way to start off a marriage.
He has a long history with his friend and expressed concern for her future, his solution is way off base but doesn't make him a con man or any of the other things you all have labeled him, it just makes him very misguided. If the OP wants a relationship asking him to choose between them is not the way to secure it, honestly telling him that this idea is not acceptable and then working with him to find a more realistic way to support her makes more sense to me. It's only if he digs in his heels and insists that it becomes problematic.
If you were the OP what would your initial reaction be to that conversation?
I seriously don’t know how else the OP could have taken this conversation.
A friend is one thing, having a friend immediately live with a couple after they marry is strange.
Women want to marry independent men. Not a ‘momma’s boy or a man that is connected that closely to his friend.’
He’s either committed to his future wife or he isn’t.
I am a person who sees gray areas, not so much in this case.
He can absolutely show support to his good friend without her living with them.
The OP doesn’t say how the friend feels about all of this. She may not even desire to live with them. If she would want to live with them, then it’s truly strange.
Anyway, I don’t think any of us is judging them. It’s an observation of the situation.
The other thing I don't think anyone's asked is: what does Mary think about this? Has she even been consulted? I don't think we can assume that she's going to be any too keen on Matt's indefinite involvement in her life. He may feel (at this juncture, anyway) that true friendship demands his all, but that doesn't mean she's asked for it, or would even welcome it.
I imagine the restrictions that she has faced over the past year really brought home just how vulnerable she is and will be and he has maybe been brooding about it for a long time. Maybe they did make a pact in the past, but that's no different than all of those who promised a parent that they would never allow them to go into a nursing home. Unless there are details of abuse and dysfunction we don't usually tell those people to run for the hills, we tell them that with age comes the wisdom to figure out how to honour the spirit of the bargain if not the actual promise.
I'm sure he's insisting he'll do all the grunt work of caretaking, but that won't be the reality. He'll want you to deal with bathroom/bathing tasks and it'll snowball from there. Ask the women on this site who got delegated to care for their Mother in Law. They're the ones stuck with most of the work, and when they get fed up, the husband calls his wife a heartless witch.
You indeed were blindsided. It's not so much him wanting to help someone as it is feeling the need to be everything for this 'friend' and not you. Whether he knows it or not, his heart is not 100% with you. I'm sorry it's like that.
You seem to be in different places when it comes to this relationship. You're hoping to build a long-term future with him. He is not thinking the same. He's wanting to put your future together on hold for the 'friend'. You're not as important to him as he is to you.
He needs to know how you feel about this and make it very clear that you're not on board. If he's willing to walk away from your relationship to care for the friend, you have your answer and need to go.
Thanks for spelling it out so clearly.
I don’t think the OP would consider being happy in a situation like her possible future husband has suggested.
She’s clearly disturbed by it or she wouldn’t be posting a concern about it.