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You have a 13 year old daughter. BF's dad is 92? I would guess you are probably 40 or under. So since dad is 92, your BF must be about 60? Just wondering.
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My BF was born late in his parents' lives. His dad is 96, my BF is 53. I am 48. So, only a 5-year age gap. My daughter was born late in my life. I was 36 when I had her. Lovelucy, my BF has made me secondary beneficiary after his dad. To me, that says a lot about how he feels about me.
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Joann29, He wants to marry. He mentioned it to me, first. But he also said that it can't happen until his dad passes. Then he wants to get full time work in his field, which he has been out of for a long time and probably needs his skills updated. Then he wants to save up money to buy me an impressive ring and give us an impressive wedding. That's all fine and good, but how many years is this going to take? He's a perfectionist. He wants all the conditions to be perfect, but that will take years and we don't have that kind of time. We are not young. But he says it's important to him. He feels bad because he can't wine and dine me, and show me a good time with his part-time income. I think he thinks that buying me a really nice ring will kind of make up for that. I do understand where he's coming from. a man wants to be able to show off the beautiful ring he bought for the woman he loves....
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Has BF been married before? Or a bachelor.
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Never married. I was married once, for 10 years. Now....I can predict what everybody is thinking. Let me guess.....you think that if he hasn't married, by now, that he's just not the marrying kind. That he doesn't want to marry anyone, ever. WRONG! He has his reasons why he never married, and they are valid.
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Oh Lucky you..hope your first husband left you financially independent. Or are you going in for a second dip?
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Waiting; I'm trying hard not to jump to any conclusions here, but I would tread cautiously in trying myself to a man who places such a store in "things" such as the ring he can show off and the "impressive" wedding. Where he places his values.... Not on your happiness, not on commitment, but on "showing" other people. In my mind, not a solid basis on which to base a marriage.
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Lucy, My 1st husband left me with next to nothing....long story, but I got royally screwed. But it was worth it to no longer be with him, for real. With the help of my mom, I went back to college and got a better education, and now I work at a hospital and support my daughter and myself quite well, with a veru small amount of child support from my ex. I learned my lesson well----never be financially dependent on anyone..
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I've never been a gold digger, if that is what you are suggesting. My 1st husband was not rich, by any means. We both worked at mediocre-paying jobs and we did okay, but didn't have the money for a lot of extras. I know what hard work is, and carry my own weight...and then some. My ex is supposed to have 50% custody of my daughter, yet, I have her 97% of the time--his choice. But, it's a good thing, because I feel he is a bad influence for her, and she prefers not to spend much time with him.
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Yes, babalou, I'm sure it's hard not to jump to all kinds of different conclusions with this situation. But, like I said---only I know all the facts. And I know he is concerned with my happiness, as well. He wants a nice ring, for me. He wants a nice wedding for me. He wants to do it right, not half-a**. His dreams are no less important than mine are. And this is what he has always dreamed of. It's all about compromise....give and take. About not being selfish, and yet, being selfish enough to not get taken advantage of.
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It seems to me that freqflyer and Ralph have covered both the medical/emotional issues and legal too. Moving someone with Alzheimer's isn't the best thing. Even rearranging a room can be difficult on them! I understand how hard it can be to be patient, but that's why it's called a virtue - not all people have it. Either marry and live separately until dad passes, or wait to marry until he does. If it's not worth waiting for, move on. It will be best on his dad to stay where he is and use his funds for his care.
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Not to sound inconsiderate, but why is everyone always so worried about what is best for the person who has already lived a happy and fulfilling life? No one is concerned about what is best for the people who's life has been put on hold for the past several years? The ones who can't HAVE a life because the one who already had a happy, fulfilling life needs to be kept happy....at the expense of the people who have had to give up there lives...or not begin there lives because they have to keep the person who lived their life happy... I'm usually not this self-centered, but I have given up my happiness all of my life so that others can be happy. It has made me miserable. You reach a point where you want to be the SELFISH one instead of the SELFLESS one, all the time. It's SO frustrating! And, yes, he is worth waiting for, but the waiting is....ugh...there are no words.
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Maybe BF is not the one who wants the big ring and wedding and bragging rights? Sorry if I seem harsh, but that is not what love and commitment is all about,,IMHO The dad is in his 90's you have waited this long... and it;s HIS money for gosh sakes! Maybe he still has a few years HE thinks should be happy and fulfilling.. he worked for it! My hubs and I worked hard for what we have, and now my mom lives with us.. I am not gonna spend her money for anything for us without her permission ( or knowing that she would have given it) The money I got when my dad passed is still in the bank.. in case my mother needs it. I Know it is for ME.. but she was his sweetheart and I'd rather she get it if she needs it. You say you have a good job... so why not use your money and BF's to get the ball rolling
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waiting4alife, we are all thinking about you, your daughter, and your future husband and what would happen if the father moved into a new home he's not familiar with and living under the same roof now with you and your daughter included. That is very disruptive to someone with Alzheimer's and in turn will disrupt your life, too.

I can fully understand that you want to have a life of your own with a new husband, but all of us here find life comes to a screeching halt when there are elders involved. My plans to retire and travel the world stopped 6 years ago and I don't foresee those plans ever getting off the ground now due to my own age decline.... but my parents had a fantastic retirement.
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Pam, I have told BF that I don't need an expensive ring or a big wedding. In fact, I prefer a small wedding. Like I said before, I'm not a gold digger. I just want to get our lives started. My income is enough to support my daughter and I, but not enough to finance the building of a house. I would have to sell my house first...and then where would I live? BF only works part time and his money is tied up in retirement funds.

And, like I said before, I know perfectly well that what I have said sounds selfish. But if you had any idea what I have been through you would totally understand. And, I know...doesn't give me any right..... I just wish it would be my turn to be happy....in all of my 48 years I can't ever remember being truly happy....

That's my whole point, flyer, my BF has not even had a life yet and it's likely that he won't be free to have one until he also is older with age decline. My mother was so afraid that she was going to be a burden to her children in her old age that she bought NH insurance. Then she developed cancer we didn't find out until a month before she died because she didn't want anyone to be worried or burden anyone to have to care for her.
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Waiting4life.... Your boyfriend's dad has had a full life and is coming to the end of it. His dad is still alive and has issues. If your boyfriend didn't love his dad he wouldn't be doing this. This is a wonderful trait. Be thankful he is this way. If you're tired of waiting, then like everyone said, move on. Just don't make your boyfriend pick between his dad and you, and please don't put a guilt trip on him either. He's probably feeling lousy about this entire situation as it is.
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I'm not asking him to throw his dad under the bus or in a NH and forget him. All I really want is for us to be able to get away once in a while. Take a long weekend together. There are other issues involved. Ones I'm not going to discuss on here. He told me that he would not be doing this if he didn't have to.He has no choice.He's stuck. Anyway, I thank you all for your input.
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Waiting, this discussion is becoming more about your needs and wants instead of something related to caring for an elder. There are probably more appropriate websites for you to find support.
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Yup, this happened before when I asked a question on here....because people on here assume things. Then I feel I need to clarify, even though I don't. I know the all the facts and I can weigh the pros and cons and make my own decisions. All I really wanted to know is advice on a legal issue and it turned into this, again.
And even though this IS related to caring for an elder, I will now close this conversation. Thanks again for everyone's input. Take care!
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