Contrary opinions at nursing home.
<p data-uw-rm-sr="">Mum has now been in a nursing home for two years. She is 104. Since a hip injury she cannot stand unaided and uses a wheelchair. She needs two carers to help her to the toilet or to shower or move from a wheelchair to a lounge chair, or to bed. As I live miles away, don't drive and have a sick husband and an adult disabled child I can't visit more than once a week. I can't move mum as she is on her home territory where she wants to be and my disabled brother could not visit her if I moved her nearer to me. I know homes have staffing problems so I have organised (and pay) two local women to visit her. Both are experienced carers who know my mother, so every day someone visits for two hours. The nursing home is expensive (£4,000 a month) bright, cheery, smells lovely, food is lovely, and with friendly staff. Mum has a lovely room with some of her own furniture. I find the staff caring and the manager approachable and am always informed if she is not well. I phone every day and talk to a variety of staff who seem to be telling me the truth (something one of the paid visitor/carers whom I shall call A, suggests is not the case). I know my mother (who is demanding, critical and sometimes really offensive to staff) can't have the personal 1+1 care she thinks is her due and I know the staff are overstretched and that a bit of leeway is needed but I am becoming anxious as A is suggesting my mother is being neglected. The more laid-back carer B does admit that sometimes it is a while before the bell is answered if mother wants the toilet (she expects less than 15 minutes but sometimes has to ring again) - though often when mum is taken nothing happens. Mother will not take part in any of the daily activities that she would be able to (says they are stupid games) despite the lovely activities ladies doing their best. Carer B takes her out in the wheelchair, for walks and coffee, but Carer A won't do this as she says mother doesn't want to go out. I get on well with the manager who confirms A has been very rude to some staff and that she has had friendly words with her to try to get her to step back a bit here and let the staff do their thing without her trying to "take over". The constant alarms and contradictions are really stressing me. I have visited unannounced and found mum not so well dressed or groomed as when they know I am coming but I don't worry about things like that, they are not the important things. She has been in the lounge with people and not alone in her room or anything like that. I know A has mother's interest at heart but I wonder if she is over-reacting to the restraints in nursing homes and is just expecting too much, or if her version (that there is some neglect) is true. A bit of both, is my instinct - so long as the "neglect" isn't the important stuff. Some staff have said to me that she makes them feel they are not doing a good job which upsets them. She has lost weight but I have seen her eating well when I am there - slowly, but no-one rushes them. She has also fallen over twice as she refuses to do as she's told and is sometimes quite aggressive. Carer A who thinks they are neglecting her says this is the home's fault, examples of their lack of proper care. I live in the UK and my mum is self-funding. The nursing home is not happy with Carer A - but she says that is because she shows some of them up. Not sure how to proceed here.
7 Answers
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- How often do you find yourself watching the camera in loved one's nursing home room?
- Caretaking while dealing with serious NPD (narcissistic personality disorder). Any advice?
- Demanding mother in a nursing facility. Any advice?
- Anything wrong with taking your mom, who lives in memory care with severe dementia, to doctor appointments but not on trips?
It looks like you have done your best caring for your mom. All of her important needs are met. Don’t look for perfection because perfection doesn’t exist.
Overall, the staff sounds like they are doing a great job.
Honestly, if I live to be 104, I might be a bit cranky too!
You have more than enough to deal with. Your life with your husband and son are your top priority.
Wishing you well as you navigate your way through your caregiving journey.
From my understanding, mom is in the NH with 2 carers doing the caregiving. It seems the one caregiver is not bothering the staff as much as the second.
OP is looking for suggestions to bring peace to all parties to benefit all involved.
And perky enough to judge the game choices and judge them stupid?
In decent care and with care add ons?
Still eating at all, and still having a good swallow at 104?
She's a rare bird, to be certain!
Congratulations. Because some things must be going very right indeed.
Sounds to me as though this is going peachy-keen, but that's just me.
I cannot do anything but congratulate all involved.
The staff of the nursing home are not her private domestic staff who are there to serve her and her alone.
No place is going to be perfect. If caregiver 'A' believes your mother is being neglected, she needs to document whatever incidents she knows of and then report them to the proper authorities.
I had just the one, do you have anyone with experience in dealing with royalty?
Let me be sure I understand - you PAY Carer A and Carer B to visit your mother correct? And it sounds to me like Carer B is actually DOING things with mom but Carer A is just....what? Stirring the pot and causing problems?
I have a love of words and their meaning. Neglect means to fail to care for PROPERLY. Is your mother being cared for properly? Is she safe, fed, clothed, attended to, given opportunities for activities, given access to medical care? Are her basic needs being met? Properly does not mean as SHE expects - or as Carer A expects - it means a basic level of care is given to every single resident in as timely manner as possible.
People almost always get tunnel vision when it comes to facility care - we naturally only focus on the person we have living there and the care they receive. It is much more difficult to pull back and consider the care that the staff is having to give to ALL of the residents and how that plays in to the care that our loved one gets.
I suspect that Carer A is thinking that your mother isn't getting IMMEDIATE response - and quite frankly that is just downright impossible. Unless SHE is the one that is going to respond to your mother's request for assistance. And that is my question to you. WHAT do you pay her for? Are they just there to keep her company? Or are they there to see to her needs? When they are there - WHAT are they supposed to be doing? Is she supposed to sit there and observe and report back? Or can she help your mother do what she needs to do and she isn't doing that? Are you paying her to do something she isn't doing and then blaming the facility for "not doing their job"?
If the extra paid caregivers are just there to keep her company - that's fine. But Carer A is just going to have to get over the expectation that your mother is going to get immediate responses.
It's like we just had our come to Jesus meeting with FIL's sis this weekend. Every single time she calls up there on his behalf because he calls her and says he's been waiting HOURS (he hasn't) she literally prevents someone else from getting care because they have to stop in their rotation to help him - he didn't even push the button for help!! There is a schedule, There is a rotation. And helping each resident takes time. And sometimes each CNA has 8-16 residents in their care. And sometimes a call requires TWO CNAs. No one is going to get immediate care unless it is a genuine emergency.
If Carer A has mom's interests at heart - then she needs to start working on mom adjusting to her living arrangement, and not commiserating with her over how bad her situation is - that just makes it worse. And if Carer A is being aggressive and nasty with the staff - that needs to stop now.
She is overstepping and if she is a guest and trying to cause problems, that can also cause you problems in the long run - trust me. We are at the point where my FIL's sister may have to be blocked from access to him - because her behaviors are beginning to agitate him and cause HIM problems as his dementia gets worse. Her commiserating with him causes him to believe that he is somewhere bad, which is just not the case, Which makes him confused and upset and angry for no reason. If it continues, we will have to remove the problem for his sake.
Onwards and upwards. This site is so reassuring. So many friendly, experienced people. Thanks.
And stop worrying about your mother eating slowing. She's 104 for heaven's sake. And residents fall in NH all the time. They're old, and old people have falls.