I love my mom. I know “things were different then” and I’m in therapy working through why I am the way I am. She’s planned a trip this spring by herself. She’s begged me to go with her, offered to pay. It would be just her and I. I go back and forth daily. No, I’m not going because over a week with her so far away from home I would be at her whim- and wrath. Yes, I should go because she’s my mom and I love her. It’s only x amount of days in my life and it could be the last trip I take with her. We lost my dad recently. You never know. It would make her so happy if I went. I’m the peace maker, emotional support, dependable child. My sibling has not had to deal with anything when it comes to her. While I recognize the generational trauma, it stops here. I’m working on it. My brain knows it would not be a safe space for me to go on this vacation, but my heart says suck it up, she’s your mother, do this for her. Please help. The guilt is eating me alive.
Your continued participation on the thread would be wonderful!
Would you be able to experience that?
How about potentially undo all this therapy? Are you going to resolve all your issues be spring?
On the other hand, in my experience travel for one week is not long. Decide yourself, no guilt please!
Successful trips are achieved with equals. Compromise and letting others do as they please.
I am traveling soon with my husband with Parkinson’s and we are taking my girlfriend. We are going Jan- March.
We have condo spacious for 3 people, I made it clear to her she is not coming as caregiver.
Of course, some help is appreciated, my husband is fairly independent but requires walker mostly and little help, more of precaution as in carrying glass of water and dropping while walking with walker is probable.
I am hoping she can sit with him by the pool, so I can go to the beach for a few hours, then of course she can go and I stay.
And we have about 10 friends in the condo complex so great socializing for all, except she is more reserved person.
She is compassionate and has more patience than me.
She is also quite insistent and bossy, but I am bossier.
But we are best friends for over 20 years.
https://www.travelandleisure.com/trip-ideas/rainbow-mountain-peru
https://banff.ca/8/Events
https://rove.me/to/dublin/halloween
If you're tired or hungry, or if SHE'S tired or hungry, it won't be pretty.
Then make the best decision for you and, your overall mental, physical, spiritual health.
It will serve you well.
* Never listen to the 'shoulds' - a set up that won't serve you at all.
* Learn to let the guilt go - easy to say I know although necessary
* Investigate reframing (google it) - Reframe thoughts to serve you.
* If you decide to go: insist on a third person (a friend/supportive person for you); your mom pays for that person, too.
- This will give you time outs ... which you will need.
- Expect to be 'activated' emotionally / triggered. And deal in advance 'how you are going to manage / deal with these stressors." (i.e., leave for 5-55 minutes, meditate, go to the gym, take a walk. Journal/write how you feel.
* There is no sucking up when you are healing. You listen to yourself - your inner guide - and continue to heal.
* My gut and experience tells me ... as you say "my brain knows it would not be a safe space for me to go on this vacation" - LISTEN TO YOUR BRAIN. Clearly, you are very vulnerable now - still - and need to keep your distance.
*. You can love from a distance. This is what being responsible and compassionate means. You do not need to (continue to) be a doormat.
You are not that child any longer. This is something you need to learn by doing, and doing by respecting your self. It is a step at a time. Be gentle wth yourself although do what you need to do for YOU.
Healing from parental trauma can take a lifetime.
We need to take care of our self as we are the only person that can, as as adult. If you continue to ALLOW your mother to trigger you, this is on you, not her.
With all this said ... 'if' you decide to go, I would recommend you ask 2-3 others to join you so you have more distance and 'that self protection bubble' (many of us need). Tell her the logistics / your decision. Do NOT argue with her. State your position clearly. Give her time to 'express' her dismay / anger / disappointment and then change the subject. Never ever argue with her. As soon as you FEEL that trigger activating - leave.
And not only change the subject, leave if you need to. This is self-empowerment. Setting your boundaries with your mother. "Perhaps if 1-2-3 others are there, you REALLY could enjoy yourself.
Remember too ... if she is begging you, as you say, she is using a strategy that either generally or ALWAYS work on you - you must interrupt this and not be guilt-ridden by it any longer. You have one life. Respect and love yourself. If you do not, no one else will.
Believe me. Many of us have our own trigger and wounding histories. Learn from those who have learned to / how to heal:
* Love from a distance.
* Forgive. You do this exercise / mindset for YOURSELF. You do not hold on to their stuff. You learn to let it go.
* Transform guilt / triggers into re-framing to your healing benefit
* Feel compassion for another. Learn that doesn't mean giving in to their demands / triggers. I've learned the self-and-other compassion is a primary healer.
Gena / Touch Matters