I want to run away from all this...

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I want to run away from all this...

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I understand. I am so, so, sorry. I felt this way at times, too, when caring for my Alzheimers MIL for six years in our home. She recently passed away & I’m glad now that I stuck it out. She got the most excellent care because we did hang in there. However, when I got burned out, we were able to hire more respite careworkers to help me. That is important - taking time to care for yourself and getting a little ‘time off’ occasionally. Luckily for me, my husband insisted on it as I tend to be overly self-sacrificial.

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How did you arrange respite care?? Thru hospice? Or a care service?? Thinking it's time to get away before I'm completely burnt out.

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CORGIMOM, if the socialworkers don't like care you give your Mom, leave her in their waiting room and let them have a go.

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I LOVE it! I guarantee they would have her back on my doorstep in less than a day. It's so easy to go to someone's house and criticize what they are doing. They won't even disclose who filed the complaint.

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same thing here there’s times I just want to get in the car and drive away what are you to do you know it’s still your parents you know I lost my dad in September and my mother right now is in a nursing home doing some physical therapy because she fail because she won’t listen and use her walker I’m just tired like you I’m just tired of the same oh thing you know I repeat things three and four times to her she’s worried about her money you know when dad was alive you know she had buchu‘s of money because he work for a good company but now she think she’s got all the money in the world and she don’t and then she keeps asking me where the money is SO WHAT DO U DO

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I had that problem. Worry about HER money. She pays for nothing, but worries about how much is in her bank account. It's all money in and nothing out. I printed out a copy of her bank statement. Make sure the account number is blacked out with magic marker or something so she doesn't start spending on stupid things.

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I, too am awaiting the relief. However, I am taking big steps with making sure that I take care of my needs first. I have two adult children of my own, a wedding coming up for my son, my daughter wants to start a family and wants me to be around to enjoy my grandchildren. I absolutely refuse to let this woman (the mother) rule or control my life anymore. I am done. I am making sure she gets the care she needs...but that's the extent of it.
I had the best day with my daughter today at the beach...only to come home to be bombarded by nonsense from the mother. So I have to once again regroup before I go to sleep and get up for work tomorrow. This too shall pass.

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I'm so glad that you were able to have a nice day with your daughter. It's too bad that your mother had to spoil it when you got home. Do you have any senior day groups in your area? If you could leave her alone, maybe that might help you if you were able to have another nice day. Sort of a social day for mom, and maybe she wouldn't be so demanding when you got home. I have them in my area. They are put on by the city. I wish I could park my mother there, but I'm afraid her dementia is too bad at this point to do that.

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Jumary: I hear you! I really do! I wanted to run away from home, but it wasn't my home! I had to leave my home and move in with my late mother in Massachusetts where she demanded to live alone. My home was dust in the wind to me as I abruptly had to leave Maryland because my sibling "wouldn't do it." Remember this, though~~this, too, will end. Hang on. Hang on also to the memories, else they fall away.

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@nolapam I say report your siblings for elder financial abuse. They need to be held accountable for their actions.

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I read through a few of these responses and feel so bad for so many of you. I've been wanting to pack up and go myself for a long time, now. Today, was a bit of a disaster, so I was going to get into bed and read for an hour or two and hope that would constitute "getting away." I'm one of those people who has many siblings who criticize and make demands. I'm finished with them. Today, it was the ALF not responding to my Mom's call. She was left sitting alone, needing help to get to the bathroom for over an hour and then I had to listen to the (probably) lies about how she calls for help too much. One complaint was that she had called for help to pull her pants up in the bathroom after she used the toilet. Huh? She's SUPPOSED to have assistance. She's called a "one person assist." There has to be a better way for all of us to get through this.

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Unfortunately, these days, unless you are independently rich ALFs are the pits. My mother was in "one of the better" ones that was supposed to be a more extended rehab to help her regain some of her strength after she broke her shoulder. She did it by falling, so after 2 weeks in the hospital to stabilize her other health problems, she was weaker than when she fell. So, daah, maybe she should have help to go to the bathroom? Maybe that's why she was there. All I got from her was she went by herself. When I approached the staff, they told me she "couldn't" go by herself. I said, "I know. Why isn't she getting help?". Of course they denied that she wasn't and responded to her call light as long as I was there. With her confusion, I didn't know who to believe. I knew when I picked her up from the hospital after the fall, she was out of town, and we stayed in a motel. The first night, I said, "Don't get out of bed without help.". The next morning I got up and she was on the bathroom floor. I understand the problem you're having. I know at the ALF I asked why she wasn't hooked to a device that alarmed if she got out of bed? I was told it was considered a form of restraint. HOW NUTS!!!! They would rather have her fall than to lay on a pad that alarmed if she got up. By the way, those pads are available for home use. I believe I got mine through Walmart online. It does work, and the alarm is loud. If you are the caregiver of a person who won't or can't wait for help or wanders they do help. Mine was combined with a call bell so she could call me if she wanted help and I was outside or in another room. I hope that's of some help.

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I am totally with you! Sometimes I just want to choke my dad because he is a smart ass. If you can't take it, you can't take it. The social worker of some sort will take over if you are not there. You have to take care of yourself first.

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I certainly have felt that way in the past few years. Both of my parents have gone now and I really miss my Dad who died in 2015. Unfortunately when my mother died in March all I could feel was relief. Are you able to get any respite time for yourself? I think if you were able to look forward to even an afternoon once a week it would help you through the difficult times. Be kind to yourself and try not to let the criticism get to you. You are no longer the child in this relationship and if you can think of yourself in the parent's role it is easier to think of the criticism more as their frustration with being no longer being in charge of their lives. I wish you the strength to get through this.

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Thank you Jellylava; i have ptsd actually from waking up the last six years out of eight and realizing I was still in the house with my Mom; still expected to get up and do any and everything she asked. When I look at the pic of her and I when I moved in here at age 50 I don't recognize me. My friends think I have a terminal illness. I have a frozen look of sadness on my face that will not go away. As soon as I walk into my Mom's room at the n.h. even now she has me right where she wants and I spend an hour to an hour and a half getting her to settle down and sleep without me there. I don't see anyone else coming in at 9pm to 10:30 every night to sit with their parent except me. I wonder am I wrong to be doing this? I feel like someone has to be there as my six other siblings are glad its me and they just use their position to do whatever they want. They see me as a failure for doing this and they even use that against me. My friends tell me if I just keep going I will have freedom someday. I just won't know how to act or what to do when that day comes but I hope I will.

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My fantasy! Many days when the nighttime caregiver comes I practically run out the door, jump in my car, and burn rubber vrooming down the street like a cartoon character. I want to hop on the freeway - north, east, south, west - it doesn't matter, and just drive away from it all, to somewhere no one knows me and my history caregiving - yes, I too hate the word "caregiver" as describing me - as someone earlier pointed out. So many times I feel hunted by the needs of my elderly mom, her paid caregivers, the home care agency, the doctor, etc. etc.

"Helpful" hints like soak in a bubble bath or walk in the park don't cut it when your total existence revolves consciously or subconsciously around the needs of someone else - for literally years! These gems of advice are usually given by people who have no idea what it's like to have the responsibilities we have for another human who often has very limited mental -not to metion physical and possibly financial - capabilities.

Everyone has their end goal. Mine is to emerge healthy and not bitter. I don't feel noble or good for doing this. I feel stuck holding the bag with no end in sight. So, for me, it is day to day and praying I am not old and gray by the time it all ends. We'll just see how it goes.

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you are 100 percent correct. thank you for saying this.

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A trip to recover from eldercare exhaustion? I'm in! - a road trip, a cruise, a flight to Mars - whatever -
I'll bring munchies.
Hang in there - we're all with you.

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Count me in. While some of you have siblings that cause you even more problems, I'm an only child. My parents were divorced when I was 14. My father died at 65 in 1992. My mother remarried, and was happily married until my stepfather died in 2008. My mother was not a good mother when I was growing up, but I try to overlook that. A year ago, my then 90 year old mother, wrote me a letter that her physical health was good but she had started to forget things. She also stated that she was afraid to die alone. The last one I could relate to as it had always been a fear of mine, and a strong feeling as a nurse. Everyone comes into this world with at least one other person there; their mother. No one should leave this world alone. I always tried to be with my patients when they left this world. Alright, with physically okay and just a little forgetting, I agreed that she could move into my house. Now it's 14 months later. Her physical condition has deteriorated and her mental status is the worst part. She refuses to eat nourishing food, and lives on chocolate milk and toast, despite her weight in the 80s lb. range. I take her to the store and walk her along the isles (I walk, she's in a scooter cart) asking, "What would you like to eat?". All I get is, "I don't see anything that looks good." or "I'm not hungry.". I've given up on the food. I've thrown out more spoiled food than I care to think about. Something that she thought she liked in the store, but never got eaten. I'm on social security too, and can't afford to waste money on food that just sits there and spoils. Being an only child has its problems too. I'm the caregiver. The only one. No one that I can even share her with. I'm not getting rich on this as she and my stepfather spent their money on cruises. The thing is with her dementia, I can't even leave her alone even to go to the store. It's 24/7, and I'm really getting drained. A couple of months ago, Division of Children and Families showed up at my door that she wasn't being cared for, wasn't clean, and the living facilities were cluttered. They gave me descriptions of the inside of my house that they could only have gotten from someone who had been inside it. I really don't have anybody inside my house, so I'm pretty sure the information came from my mother. She has to wait while I see a doctor, and there are many psychologists on that floor. I think they saw "this poor, little, old lady" sitting in the common waiting room, asked if she was alright, and she started to complain. She's very good at complaining. According to my mother, the only thing I am good for is being the maid. Although I was a critical care RN for 25 years, she feels that I'm too stupid to have any knowledge, especially in regards to medical issues. My mother is very hard of hearing, so I know she didn't make the call, but I think she said enough to start the ball rolling. I hadn't heard anything from DCF for a couple of months, so I thought it was dropped, until today when I got a call from them. I really don't need their harassment. They had agreed that she was clean and cared for and seemed happy at the time of their visit, however they feel I should throw MY things out to accomidate my mother even more. I've already thrown out a $3,000.00 mahogany dining room table with leaves and 8 high back chairs to make room for "her things". That doesn't include the multiple dumpsters of MY things that I threw out so she could move in. I'm burned out. I'm in the process of buying a new home as mine was badly damaged by hurricane Irma. As the tree fell through her bedroom, she is currently in the dining room and I'm in the other side of a L shaped living room/dining room. Do I have any privacy-none. At least with the new house, my bedroom will be at one end and her's at the other. If you made it this far, thank you for letting me cry on your shoulder. It helps to do that once in awhile.

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Jumary, I have been feeling this same way today all day. When family turns on the POA after a lengthy period of time (for me 8 years) and uses whatever influence they can to criticize and make that person's life difficult then it leaves nothing but stress and regret. How can they be so insensitive? I do not understand at all and like you, I just want to drive away and not look back.

The reality is that I will have to finish this out then drive away and not look back. If I can handle the stress of it all and I am trying. The viciousness of my siblings is beyond comprehension. My sister actually works for a major insurance company and is even using her knowledge and position to make my filing claims and processing them difficult by communicating with the nursing home and the insurance companies while I am still here managing my Mom's life. She is actually working against me and I feel alone and drained. She lives 5 hours away in another state. Visiting my Mom each night is so tough and my other family members get to keep living their lives while I am it. I totally understand what you are saying and its just wrong.

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Can I join you? I’m in the same boat!

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sounds bad. I'm sorry. You're definitely not alone in that sentiment.

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Don't run away but stop being a doormat. Stand up to them and talk to them adult to adult not child to adult. Tell them what you need and if you do need to get away, tell them so and take a vacation. If you mom cannot care for your dad while you are gone,, help her make arrangements for sitters to help.

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Do you have a empty seat? I'll pay for the gas and meals.

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All 3 of us can go!

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I feel the same way. My mom was not a good mother and set so many poor examples. I have always been the person she dumped on, through 2 marriages. She is in AL about an hour from me, but I am POA and do everything for her including handle financial matters. It took me 3 months of constant data gathering and phone calls to trigger her Long Term Care policy. I spend SO much time on her. At this point I am just going Sundays for church and brunch, and bring her any supplies she needs. Sometimes she calls me 10 x a day to complain. I have a diabetic child and a husband who travels. I am exhausted and I dread Sundays when I wish I could stay home with my family.. My husband is supportive but resigned and hates to see me drained when I come home on Sunday. She makes me cry all of the time. The kicker is, I have an older brother who lives 2 hours away and he hasn't come to see her in 3 years. He calls her maybe once every 4-6 weeks, and when she begs him to come he replies "we mustn't see eachother". And he served me with cease and desist orders to stop harassing him (aka asking him to help with mom and telling him how dishonorable I think he is). He is a Colonel in the Army and everyone thinks he is so wonderful but I loathe him and hope I never see him again. I am not allowed to have contact with his two adult children, either. What a crappy situation. My aunt and grandmother were just like this at the end...I pray I don't end up like her!

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you nailed it.

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I know EXACTLY how you feel!
My 86 year old Father in law lives with us and wont listen, he cant take anyone telling him ANYTHING, he KNOWS IT ALL! He Disrespects me and wont stop taking food to his room despite my numerous requests and confrontations with him. He will just start yelling at me if I try to tell him something.
My mother in law died a year ago August 2 (last week) and Im so stressed out and pissed off that Im seriously begining to hate him!
Sad but true. I used to LOVE old people until he moved in, now I dont even want to be around them!
I want him out of my house! I want my privacy, my sanity, and to be able to feel comfortable in MY OWN HOME!
Its bad enough Im married to a narcisstic male cheauvenist but now I have a duplicate 86 yr old version of him too living with me!
Everything this man hears or sees on the news is Bible!
Dont do this, Dont do that, you cant go outside because of the air quality, dont eat salads, dont eat fish, oh my gosh he drives me crazy! I wish I could stop him from watching the news all day and put on cartoons or something to make him stop!
He loves talking with his mouth full while hes eating! He spits food everywhere and as soon as he starts eating THATS when he starts a conversation! He wears this cheap cologne that my sister in law gave him, it makes me nauseous and gives me a headache.
Im so unhappy, stressed out, depressed, and just dont see an out anytime soon.
At 50 something years old my life wasnt supposed to be like this! I didnt sign up for this! I want to run away just me and my dog! Call me when its over!

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I can understand how you feel. My father-in-law, who had a drinking problem, lived with us for two different stretches and the second time we were only asked to have him for 2 weeks while the older brother and his wife moved. They never took him back. After several years of feeling like his servant and having my husband expect me to cater to his father, I finally got up the nerve to tell him that I appreciated that he wanted to make his home with us, but that if he stayed with us any longer there wouldn't be a home any more. I was going to leave if he didn't. He was shaken but he moved out within 3 weeks.

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You are not alone. Sometimes when I fill the car with gas I look at the available mileage & dream of just driving away...
@Orlando I’m dealing with my passive aggressive, hoarder, narcissistic mother. Everyone thinks she’s just such a sweet old thing. I think the only reason I haven’t had a heart attack or stroke yet is Xanax.
@Anniepeepie Pick me up on the way to the cruise ship please.
I’ve been a lurker here for quite some time. Honestly, just reading how many people are going through the same thing and feeling like this helps tremendously.

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Wow, I feel exact same way. My siblings abandoned my mother because she refused to leave her home. I promised her I would be with her and my dad as long as we could take care of each other. My siblings took my dad, who had stage2-3 dementia to a retirement home that offered no medical services. They tried to persuade mom to join him but she refused. They were married for 67 years.

Dad became ill not long after and passed away last month. For the 6 months he was at the facility, he was hospitalized 3 times and at the drs many times. He was diagnosed with COPD and asthma, no history of either so I suspect either the sitters were smokers or the building was toxic. My siblings spent more time with dad in 6 months than they did in years.

My mom was alert and spry at the beginning and prayed for dads return home. My siblings were vicious in their dealing with her. They put her out of dads room for disturbing him. She said they were talking about her not having any money. The siblings cleaned her account and stop paying her medical bills, mortgage and home insurance telling her she was not entitled to dads funds because she did not work outside the home —a decision my dad made. They threatened her with lawsuits and eventually filed a frivolous lawsuit to evict me. I had to go to court twice but both times the judge refused to hear case because there was no evidence. Yesterday, the sheriff delivered a summons for mother to appear in this frivolous case. She will be 90 this month, has depression, grief and advancing dementia brought on by her children. She refuses to leave the house and could not attend the funeral. Rather than bury my dad in the plot he selected and purchased, they buried him in the country 60 miles away.

Mom was doing everything for herself and assisting me with dad but now I do everything. On her good days we have 1 minute conversations. On her bad days she cusses me and calls me stupid. She was getting up every three hours at night and fussed about having to go back to sleep. Now she sleeps all night thanks to lavender and lemongrass. I spray her pillow, have a diffuser and a plug in deodorizer.
Didnt intend for this to be so long but your post inspired me to tell my story. I am in therapy once a week and can sometimes get someone to sit with her to run errands. When I return she is angry and verbally abusive. She threatens to hit or kick me but I told her that won’t happen.

in summary, lavender and therapy for myself. With the siblings trying to evict me from a place I don’t want to be, them stealing the money, exacerbating her dementia, having to care for her everyday and not much time for myself, I truly wish I could just walk away and go live my life far away. She ran home health folks away because she has always been mean and anti-social. Memory care facilities are pricey and I would have to foot the bill out of my retirement. I feel trapped.

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Wow, makes me glad to be an only child. What kind of mental issues do your siblings have being so ugly to their mom. How could they steal her money while she is still alive. They sound like miserable sad individuals. I would contact the lawyers in your case and tell them your mother is not well enough to attend court and you would like to bring harassment charges against your siblings. If all you say is true, you have a good chance of a judge issuing a protective order to keep them away from your mom and you and even possibly charges of theft and elder abuse. I would file everything and anything I could against them then maybe they will stop being such bullies and back off

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Come and get me. We will upgrade car to cruise ship

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I totally get it and we are going to hear more and more stories about this over the next years as more people have to deal with this.

My husband and I have been dealing with one parent after another's situation for almost the last 10 years. We are now dealing with the last parent, my mil, and I have to say we dread the possibility of her living for another 5-10 years (which is a possibility at 85 as her mother lived to 100). Sounds terrible? Maybe. But at 56 this has taken a huge financial (had to stop working when my mom fell in 2010), emotional and physical toll on us. It's been a strain on our marriage. My husband was just diagnosed with a disease and I now over-worry about both of our health, which I think stems more from being in the midst of aging and dying for so long than anything else.

My husband had to take a leave from his job three years ago to deal with all of this and at 60, there's no going back into his field. We had to move my mil from another state close to us and after not really spending anytime around her ever, I'm realizing now that she is a hoarder and narcissist. Being around her for any length of time is draining and she passive aggressively puts down my husband and now, recently, me.

She luckily has more than enough financial resources to pay for any care (her very large sum of money is hoarded away and the most important thing to her - more than her children), so we have decided that when she needs more care, we will hire someone and she can be in a facility. Honestly, if she seemed like she cared much at all about my husband I would feel differently - I think she was always this way, but now it's more pronounced.

If you haven't been through it you have no idea what it is like. I have other friends who lost parents at a younger age or parents went quickly and they really have no idea. I also have friends who are scrambling now to deal with this as they see that their parents may live a lot longer. They are having to make tough decisions about their own lives and sacrifice financially in may cases to take care of parents who don't have much resources.

I was fortunate with my mom in that I had siblings to step in, but most importantly my mother never became mean and she had told all of us she did not want to live forever and especially in a nursing home (my grandmother spent the last 10 years in a nursing home). She said repeatedly the last two years of her life that she was ready to go. I didn't love hearing that, but it made it easier in an odd way. She did not want her children to have to take care of her and preferred a retirement home (my brother chose to have her live with him at a certain point) and then nursing home for 5 months after becoming completely bedridden.

As someone said, we are the first generation to deal with this on this scale. It is hitting the late baby boomers and will hit gen xers the hardest. AND- this is hitting all of us at an age when happiness is at it's lowest and stress and unhappiness are at their peak (statistically speaking).

The main thing is - don't feel guilty, develop some strong emotional boundaries to take care of yourself. You will grieve and remember the parent they were (if you had a good relationship before) when they go. And know that you are doing your best even if you feel like you aren't. Also, DO go talk to someone about it. A counselor friend recently told me she is seeing more and more clients in our situation. And they all say - I though this time of my life would finally be easier. Instead it's just the opposite.

And know, that this too shall pass. I say that every single day.

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Awesome comments orlando101! I am 51 and after three decades of making my career my priority (putting off dreams and goals), I expected my 50s to be "my" decade to make up for lost time. Well, my parents devolved into depression, alcoholism and eventually dementia at an early age. One or both are likely to live another 5, 10, 15 years, but in misery. Where does that leave me? I have been thinking about seeing a counselor myself. I never ever imagined my parents would end up in such a state before even turning 75.

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Come and get me.

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"They wanted" you as POA? If they want someone else now, let them change it. Of course, your dad may not be competent to change his. If they can't or won't change POAs, you are obligated only to act in their best interest. You're not obligated to make them like it; so when they complain, just walk away knowing you did the best you could for them.
It's not heartless or uncaring if it's the best you can do while maintaining your own life and sanity.
And, btw...you CAN relinquish your POA, if that's what you really want to do.

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Jumary, this task, journey, duty, or whatever you want to call it, is overwhelming. No matter how much good you get to experience, the disease will bring along a lot of stress as well. Your gut is talking to you. Respite is needed and now your task is to find it. Support groups in person are amazing places to vent, get ideas, and some even provide free care for your loved one(s) while you attend. The ones offered by the Alzheimer’s association had workshops, activities, and support groups for the caregivers and activities and social interaction for our afflicted loved ones. It was a Godsend and completely donation based. Some people threw some money into the box and others did not. No questions, no judgements and you are around people who “get it”. Best to you.

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Been there, wanted to do that, too. This was not the life you expected, nor is it fair that you have to deal with all this. I'm only 52 and the past couple of years I have spent WAAAAYYY too much time thinking and talking about retirement, assisted living, caregiving, etc. In fact, I really HATE that word "caregiver." I never wanted to be that and I hate when someone calls me that. Fortunately, my brother stepped in when I was at the end of my rope and he has been caring for my 86 year old mother for the past year. Of course, his way of caring for her is much different than my way, and she is willing to accept things from him that she never would from me. He pretty much just goes on with his life, and she is there for the ride. He doesn't deprive himself of vacations, sports activities, etc. When she gets sick, he calls the ambulance and when she is better, she's come home in an Uber sometimes because he can't/won't disrupt his life to get her the moment she wants to come home. After just a few months, he hired a caregiver to come several hours a day while he is at work. She takes mom to the store, the mall, out for lunch, for walks, etc. She has even taken over taking her to doctor appointments and other "necessary" things. When mom was here (she is now 3000 miles away from me) she fought with me tooth and nail about getting someone to help her. She wanted ME to quit my job and be her full time caregiver while she lived in her own home an hour away from me. When she got sick and was in the hospital, she expected me to be there by her side every day, be the one to pick her up, etc. Of course, I didn't always do that and that made me the "bad" daughter. I felt guilty when I went on vacation (even when she was well) even though I had people checking in on her daily. I left laminated sheets with my itinerary and phone numbers of all hotels, etc. for every person I knew (and mom) in case something happened while I was gone. My brother just goes and has a neighbor look in on her. He doesn't worry about it.

My point is is that everyone has their own way of "caregiving" and as long as the person being cared for is safe (not abused, fed, clothed, bathed, etc.) you have to find what works for you. Clearly what you are doing now isn't working for you or you wouldn't feel like this. Also, I believe the person being cared for will eventually adapt to their situation. It may not be the way they want it exactly, and they may try the guilt trip tactics to get their way, or anger or whatever "works" for them, but they will adapt....eventually. In the mean time, you HAVE to remember that you are just as important. You have to take care of yourself....you have a RIGHT to live a life that you are happy with. There are SOOO many really nice independent and assisted living facilities out there (yes, I know they cost $$), as well as people who have the tolerance to be caregivers, so PLEASE fine one to help you! You DESERVE a break and please do not feel bad or guilty about wanting/needing help. Try to find some activity to get involved with (a local club, volunteer work, etc.) that you look forward to. Plan a vacation to look forward to. It is OK to not want to be a caregiver 24/7. Your loved one will eventually adapt to the new "norm" and you will both be much better off for it.

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Me too...bad daughter because I will not quit my job, allow mom to move into my home or go sit with her at the hospital while she carries on like a nut...ok, I'm a bad daughter...and at 65 years old...I'm ok with that.

What I have done for her would take all day to write down. Yes, she fired everyone I hired to help her in her home - and now she lives in an Adult Foster Care (that she 'could' afford)...and I have to say it's not much...but she is SAFE, supervised and with other people - of course she hates it - can't figure out why I won't pay $$$ to put her in another place that she feels is more befitting of her stature (as an 88 year old who never saved anything for the future - and still doesn't - spending $$ on everything under the sun, clothing, eating out, etc.)...but save any money? What for??? I should work my entire life and then treat her to royal accommodations? Well...I guess it makes me a bad daughter that I will not put myself into debt to do that - the docs told us 8 years ago that 'the train had left the station' as far as if she would get any better from an episode of CHF...and guess what - I moved her into AL and she complained about it the entire time...several more moves ensued...but never the one she wanted - in with me. That's where I drew the line...
Quit that job so you can be home more. Another line...
She may very well live another 10 years while my health continues to decline...various heart issues, cancer, etc...and she keeps right on going - like a trooper...
She even tells me that I NEED A PLAN - for if something were to happen to me - what would she do... what about her plan? Where's that?

don't feel guilty - find a place for your loved one and be okay with whatever the arrangements are within reason of course...

Take care of yourself...because if you don't - what's the PLAN?

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Jumary...I hear you! You feel trapped. Our parents are living longer than their parents and we are one of the first generations to be stuck caring for them in the prime of OUR lives. My parents never had to care for their parents at all since they emigrated from England. There is still an expectation that we should help out, despite the fact that they have no idea of what a responsibility it is. I don’t have any answers for you other than to say that I know why you want to get in that car and drive. Big hugs.

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I certainly understand the frustration as being the caregiver to a husband who is slowly retreating from any responsibility. He has had sepsis 4 or 5 times in the last 2 years.
I have tried to care for him at home with aides coming in. But I end up having to help the aide. When he comes home he ends up with another infection/sepsis and he goes back to the hospital and back to a skilled rehab place.
Everyone tells me to “take care of yourself”, how can you do that when you are in charge of everything?
I have no suggestions but I do wish the health care team would all be in the really realistic future.

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I can relate, it is tough, I finally got a vacation for the first time in three years. Caring for my wife who had cancer, she passed 21 months ago, while looking after my mother as well has been exhausting. I am now retired (18 mos) and now mother has me on speed dial. We live near each other and I get 4-5 phone calls per day. Brother and I have been looking after her since she was in her mid-forties as she's never been able to cope by herself and a poor money-manager so we've had to do a lot in that area as well. Now that she is 83 she is getting to where she cannot live alone. We're already burned out and work is just getting started. Ugh. I hope you can look after yourself as I've found no one else can or will. All the best of luck.

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You are saying what a lot of people feel. You may want to look into a temporary caregiver, so you can take a respite. Get away and reboot. Good luck and safe travels.

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I want to run away from all this...

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